SD6 Implying My Son Doesn't Love Me.... What the Heck?
I have a weird situation going on that I figured I'd get everyone's input on.
First off, my 11 month old and I have an amazing bond. He's a bedsharing, breastfed, very attached momma's boy. But for some odd reason, SD keeps implying he doesn't love me. If he's fussing because he's tired, she'll say "he wants daddy, not you" or if he smiles at her, she'll say "he smiles at me more than he smiles at you, he must love me most" and it's driving me INSANE. I've been a stepmom for 5 years, so when I became a mom, I was absolutely thrilled to finally be "number 1"
I know it sounds silly and petty, but this is MY baby. He's my son. I'm first this time - I'm not second mom, I'm not after the bio parents, I AM mom. So I'm really taking this hard. I've just been brushing it off but I'm wondering if I should say something. If it was anyone else other than my stepkid, I would LOSE it. But why on earth is she doing this? and how do I get it to stop without seeming petty? I don't want my son growing up hearing this kind of stuff from her! I don't want it impacting him.
She's 6. She's jealous. If it
She's 6. She's jealous. If it gets inappropriate, set a limit on it and have your DH do that, too. But for the love of god, do not take it so personally. If anything, reassure her that she's still important and her brother loves her a lot. (Seriously, again, she's 6.)
Sounds normal
to me. All kids do this. Mine did it. My little nieces and nephews do it. She wants the baby to want her and to want daddy.
And why would you lose it? Give it a few months and like most kids, your son will go through a phase where he only wants dad. And then he may go through a phase where he only wants his sister. Or an aunt, uncle or grandparent. You won't be number one during those times.
She isn't implying he doesn't love you at all. She is doing what most older siblings do and also trying to "speak" for him. It's okay. It's not a big deal.
Really? All kids do it? I'm
Really? All kids do it? I'm always the one singled out though. It's never "baby loves you more than dad" or anything. It's ALWAYS implying he loves her or her father more than me, his mother. I find it hard to believe this is something all kids do in in-tact families.
My 7 year old
nephew informed me that my five month old grandson loved him the best yesterday. He told my son the same thing (it's his child). You are with the baby the most so it makes sense that she would tell you that the baby loves dad and her the best. She sees you with her brother. She is establishing that the baby loves her and dad and also trying to speak for him.
It isn't personal. You really need to work on being so sensitive especially with a child who you have raised and sees you as her mother. She isn't seeking out to hurt you anymore than any other child hurts their parents at some point.
I don’t think you would react
I don’t think you would react as much if this wasn’t a blended family... I remember my DD telling me that the dog loved her the most, and I would say “yep she sure does now go feed her and put water in her dish”, or “oh the puppy shredded toilet paper all over... she loves you the most so you better clean up after her!!!”.
Whaf strikes me as a bit off is the DH comment... it sounds like maybe in her mind there is a bit of a rivalry between you and dad and maybe she sees you or is trying to make you an outsider. Or maybe she is scared that her and dad will become outsiders? My DD personally hates all her siblings, Lol.... and thinks babies are annoying (suppose I’m never getting grandkid)- so she just would never say it, she has always been more of a “get this kid away from me” sort of person.
i don’t think there would be anything wrong with telling your DH to talk with her. Maybe he can tell her it bothers him when she says this, and ask her why.
I feel so sick thinking about
I feel so sick thinking about her turning my son against me or trying to turn my son against me in the future. Notup4it, I think you're right and she's trying to turn me into an outsider. Or she just has some strange sinister plan. I can't even do anything to stop her from getting in his head as he gets older because I'm the working parent and her/dad are with him during the day.
I am going to say this
in the nicest way possible....you have raised this child for five years and since you got pregnant and have had your son you have made some very negative comments about her. She is six. She doesn't have a sinister plan. She isn't psychotic. She isn't manipulating anyone. She loves you. She loves her dad. She loves her brother. She is a normal six year old who is adjusting to having a younger sibling and wants said sibling to love her as much as he loves everyone else in the home. She wants to know that her little brother loves their dad as well.
It isn't personal. It isn't weird. And she isn't evil. She is six. She isn't going to turn your child against you. You need some counseling. You are attributing behaviors to a very small child (who you have raised) that are quite improbable.
I don't quite understand how
I don't quite understand how this seems normal to you. In all honestly, I've never heard of a child wanting a baby in the family to love everyone more than mom. That's weird. There's no way around it. It simply doesn't seem normal to me. She has many behaviours that are off. She doesn't respond to consequences, destroys all of her belongings, gives dirty looks to me all the time. I don't feel like she's evil, but I do feel her behaviour is strange and unnerving at a minimum.
I have raised four children
into adulthood and almost adulthood. I have helped raise several more. I work at a school. She is normal. She is a typical six year old. As far as consequences....no one has found her currency yet. Once you do it will change. Dirty looks? You seem to be trying to find something wrong with her. Her behavior is normal.
She doesn't want the baby to love everyone but you which is why I am suggesting counseling. She is establishing that the baby, her little brother, loves her as well. And maybe best. She loves her brother she wants her brother in her little six year old mind to love her as much.
What are you going to do in a year when your son decides he loves dad best and "rejects" you, which is a developmentally normal thing to have happen?
Oh I love it when my MIL
Oh I love it when my MIL claims expert parenting status and the authority on all kids everywhere because...she birthed three kids and has 12 grandkids and they're all still alive!
Six year olds have years of
Six year olds have years of experience in manipulation. My 2 year old tries it. I can only imagine how skilled he would be at it if it went unaddressed for four years.
TRUST ME.... she will NEVER
TRUST ME.... she will NEVER EVER be able to turn your baby against you, this is fact. Take a look around here and look at all the SKIDS who have god awful mothers (who legit are horrible people) and even then the kids fully believe they can do no wrong and will fight to the death for their mom!!!! You do NOT have to worry about this, I absolutely promise you!!
I remember when my DD was little I hadsimilar fear at times, especially when me and her dad divorced when she was 2. I had so many what if’s in my head... the bond between Mom and baby is unbreakable.
No doubt I would be highly annoyed if one of my SD’s were saying such things... when you are a new mom you are fiercely protective of that bond (i ger it).
i would be more concerned to nip her attitude so your son doesn’t end up hating her and then causing you grief- because no kid tolerates anyone saying anything about their mom, or insinuating anything (esp if Mom is a good mom).
I think that your DH needs to step in and tell her that saying that is not apparplrahe and that YOU are his mom and like she loves her mom baby loves you, and that in your FAMILY that she is a part of that saying things like that are not tolerated and also just acting like that in general is not kind or appropriate. It is not a competition and that is the end of the story.
She is most likely just going through weird adjustments- she most likely thinks in her head that dad is going to love the baby the most so this is her way of linking herself to the baby so she isn’t left behind. She prob sees it that her mom was left behind and then thinks you guys will all leave her behind too- it is a power play because she isn’t old enough or experienced enough in this new family dynamic to realize that she is permanently a part of it.
Thank you for this. It gave
Thank you for this. It gave me a different perspective. You are right, mom/child bonds are incredible and she can't take that away from me.
It's hitting me hard because I love my son so, so much. For 11 months, I have done whatever it takes to do well as a mother. I bedshare, I breastfeed, I get up every. single. hour. STILL and I go to work full-time exhausted and worn down, but I do it all for him. And I feel livid at the thought of someone implying our bond isn't strong after all the work and love I've put into being his mom.
Don’t be threatened though...
Don’t be threatened though... cuz like I said, it just won’t be broken- the worry is more about sibling rivalry as time goes on.
I know the thought is prob going to annoy you to no end, but can you maybe a couple times a month do something jusf you and her? Nothing big even... maybe just a walk, or ice cream or something? I know you are exhausted with work me baby but maybe it will help out things back in perspective for her, and let her bond to you a bit one on one and then maybe stop feeling insecure in herself and adjust a bit quicker? Might be a little bit of work but will save you headache. Maybe she will even start behaving more if she is more bonded to you and is given the clear message it is ONE family in your house.
jealousy
she's jealous. I wouldn't enforce any dividing lines in your family. Maybe she feels like an outsider since you and her father had a baby. Have you tried including her in helping to take care of the baby? Keep in mind she has a 6 year olds brain, her only ulterior motive is probably to seek more attention if she feels the baby is getting it. I think maybe dad needs to have a talk with her about how you are a parent in the family and not going anywhere.(on a 6 year olds understanding level). On a side note, when my bio d was 3 and my bio s was born she wanted him to go away. Now she loves the heck out of him and they are best friends.
I told my dad
to shove my youngest brother back into our mom when he was born. My five year old brain was convinced I was getting a little sister. I had a little brother...why would I want another one? Why do you need two lol? Then I threw one hell of a fit when my dad said we couldn't do that. I mean if they come out they go back in right?
I love my youngest brother but it took a couple of months (years maybe).
it is normal
It may be weird, but it's still normal. Kids are weird little creatures. Shrug it off.
I can remember fighting over my baby cousin with her older sister - both of us saying she loved us best. I was probably about 6.
I can remember feelings of jealousy when my brother was born - I was 7 almost 8 - because I was no longer the only child and getting all the attention.
As other people here have said - your child will go through phases where you are yesterday's lunch and dad/sister/best friend are the bees' knees - and the opposite.
Seriously, you've never heard
Seriously, you've never heard stories of siblings competing for a parent's love? My family has lots of stories of my toddler sister trying to do in my brother when he was an infant, and my brother asking my parents to take my other sister back to the hospital after she was born. Kids get jealous of younger siblings, they are used to being the only child and getting all the attention and now it's shared.
In this case, you are very focused on your son, and probably giving SD half the attention you used to, if that. It's normal to be in love with your own child, but she's now getting much less from you. And she's a half-sibling so she knows you don't love her like you do your son. She's hoping to punish you by saying these things. Why in the world are you taking a little girl's words so seriously? Perhaps you should try paying more attention to her rather than labeling her as a budding sociopath.
I feel bad for this girl.
I feel like some people
I feel like some people somehow have the idea that SD6 isn't getting attention from me.
I take her to school every morning, I take her to the park or zoo or whatever now and then, I spend every afternoon with both her and my son. On the occasional weekend morning, I'll take my son out alone while DH/SD have breakfast at home together so I get one-on-one time with him. She gets tons of attention. Not to mention, I'm the ONLY person financially providing for her at the moment. I'm the one who schedules her appointments, keeps in touch with her school, does clothing shopping for her.
SD is NOT going without from me. We have never had much of a mother/daughter relationship to begin with, we've been friendly but never affectionate in the way a mother and daughter would. So it's not like things have changed. If anything, she gets MORE of my attention as I try to make sure she's not left out. Prior to having our son, I did my own thing most of the time while DH handled her.
She is not competing for parental affection or attention, she is competing with a mother (me) for a baby's affection or attention. That IS strange.
attention vs affection
Maybe you've just hit on part of SD's problem. You have never been affectionate with her like a mother would be with a child. She was probably OK with that. It was her normal. But now she sees you lavish your son with affection.
I don't think you can fake affection, so I'm not suggesting you attempt to. But, please, do attempt to understand where your SD is coming from. She so wants someone to love her the way she sees you love your baby. She knows you don't. Her own mother doesn't appear to. She is hopeful that maybe her brother will.
She is a 6 year old child just wanting the same thing she see the other child in her family receive. I understand that you can't give it since she isn't yours. But, please, don't assign sinister motives to a little girl who demands attention, probably becuase it is the closest she can come to getting affection.
And honestly, it does break
And honestly, it does break my heart thinking of this. I've had these thoughts before - that she's never had the kind of love my son has. My husband isn't "maternal" per-say, not in the way mothers are at least. Her mother has never been very close with her. I tried to fake it before, and I struggled with a lot of guilt because of it, but I know it's not MY guilt to feel. It's her mother who should feel guilty. And when I tried to fake it, it made me feel more resentful because I felt deeply uncomfortable.
I'm not an affection person in the least. Not with anyone but my son. I never have been. So trying to be affectionate with a child that's not mine made my skin crawl. Your response does help me see where SD is coming from, but I don't know where to start fixing the problem when I genuinely can't be affectionate with her and I can't fix that her mother isn't.
Compassion is a good start
If you can be compassionate and understanding, I think that will go a long way. Stop thinking SD is trying in some way to take something from you and, instead, remember that she is just seeking to be loved. Children are self-centered. It's all about them. That means that your SD probably believes that there is something wrong with her. Some flaw that prevents her parents from loving her the way your son is loved. Maybe that will help you see her actions in a different light. You can't fake the affection but, maybe, you can encourage affection between her and her brother. When she says brother loves her, tell her that he sure does and that she will probably be his hero and that he will always love his big sister.
Yes, now you see it! She
Yes, now you see it! She wants the motherly love you give your son. No, you can't give it to her, that's the problem, she's not your kid. But you (and more importantly DH), do have a problem on your hands - how to help meet her needs for a mother figure in a way that works for everyone. It's not an easy dilemma.
I have always supported her
I have always supported her relationship with her brother. They play often and he DOES love her. He smiles so big when she's around. They have an adorable relationship. Her and I? not so much. You can see below but she's combative about everything and it's so hard to feel compassion or affection for someone who pushes back on everything.
I know my son won't be perfect, and I know he will be defiant at times, but I also know he will love me and if I ask him to tidy his room on my birthday as a gift to me (like I did SD after she refused for an entire year), he will do it because he loves his mom. SD, on the other hand, couldn't care less about making me happy or doing something simply to benefit others.
Sunshine, is sd in therapy?
Sunshine, is sd in therapy? It doesn't matter if 10 people think this is normal. She is exhibiting a pattern of extreme jealousy and she needs the right tools to cope with her new reality.
I've hung out with a lot of kids, too (the standard around here to make one an expert lol). The only kid who has insisted my baby loves _____ and hates _____ is my autistic nephew.
I don't think this girl's behavior (as a whole, because this is certainly not the only way she is acting out) is normal sibling rivalry. How can it be? She knows she has a different mom than her brother. And her bm is NOT normal. She can see and feel the differences. Those posters pointing to their intact family siblings are naive if they think they same dynamics are at work here.
She has had her little world flipped upside down, but that doesn't mean she gets to turn yours upside down and have everyone tell you it's "normal." Nope. Therapy stat.
No, she's not in therapy. I
No, she's not in therapy. I've suggested it but been told "there's nothing wrong with SD, she's just jealous" or "there's nothing wrong with SD, she's doing things all kids do"
I have tried to reach out to her. In the beginning, I put a lot of pressure on myself to make her feel included and loved. But she is combative constantly. If I buy her a new toy when I buy my son one, she would throw it in her messy room. I would go up and ask "SD, can you put that toy away? It's new, we should take care of it" and she would say she doesn't care about it. If I ask her to tidy her room, she flat-out says "I will NEVER clean my room" and sits in it for 2 hours without touching things.
She hasn't cleaned her room in over a year. When she was with BM for the summer, I emptied it out and cleaned it and when she returned with a pile of crap from BMs, she made it into a mess again within days. So again, we're following the same routine of refusing to clean it. If I ask her to go upstairs and brush her teeth while I'm getting the baby ready for bed, she refuses because "she's scared." She's almost 7! The lights are all on!
It's just a daily occurrence of her being defiant and unhelpful. I'm so beyond stressed out with her lately that I don't have it in me to feel much compassion. I mean, I get it, it's incredibly sad she doesn't have an in-tact family or the same love from me that my son does, but my gosh, if she would at least be sweet and cooperative, maybe I could find it in me to cuddle her once in a while.
Time to tell your DH that
Time to tell your DH that therapy is not optional. "Babe, I am far too stressed out to keep dealing with your daughter's behavior. You have failed to change it and she defies me at every turn. We need help. SHE needs help. If you keep ignoring this, it will be YOUR fault that she and I do not have a relationship. No more excuses. No more telling me this insanity is normal. She goes to a therapist NOW, or you will have to find someone else to look after her when you can't."
Ugh! "Nothing is wrong with
Ugh! "Nothing is wrong with sd." I'm sorry, I had to deal with that load of bull crap also - for a little bit, until I didn't and moved myself and my babyBS out.
My formerSS was 13 when I left, so different age. BUT escalating rude, mean behaviors that ulimately became dangerous - all due to jealousy of both me and my baby. I had no choice but to leave, the time to try and correct passed.
Please try to convince your dh to get her in therapy. Ulitmately, no matter if your dh, or anyone on this boad, thinks nothing is wrong with her, if he doesn't do SOMETHING to change what YOU think are big issues, you are going to get more resentful, more worried and it is going to cause huge issues in your relationship.
Counselling
I really, really hope you can convince your DH to agree to ounselling for SD. She is hurting. It isn't on you to "fix" it. She needs help navigating the life she's been dealt. Does your DH think that agreeing to counselling is saying that something is wrong with SD? Can he be made to see that counselling is a tool to HELP her? Everytime you post, I end up wanting to shake your DH. I think you are a good person who does an awful lot for your family. But, DH needs to step up for his daughter.
She is definitely hurting.
She is definitely hurting.
I think DH actually may be worried something more is up, so he doesn't want to get counselling and find out. Her mother's mom is bipolar and her mother is certainly off in a sociopathic way. Not the "oh she's crazy" kind of way, but the lacking feeling or remorse in every sense. After giving birth, she said she resents SD for what she did to her body. She said she can't "connect" with SD and doesn't feel like a mother. She left her in the bathtub alone at 6 months old because she didn't see anything wrong with it (I have doubts about that one - I think she wanted something to happen to get "rid" of SD). She left her alone in her crib while she'd go driving to pick up snacks. She did a lot of questionable things and has always lacked any feelings towards SD.
I think DH is worried that BM is actually sociopathic and maybe some traits have passed down, but he won't admit it. He gets really angry when I suggest SD seems to lack remorse or anything, because if i'm being honest, she does lack remorse. I don't believe anything is wrong with her, but I do believe therapy would help PREVENT her lack of remorse from getting worse or scary.
Oh my! Can you imagine how
Oh my! Can you imagine how you would feel if your son had been subjected to such treatment? Who wouldn't need counselling after those experiences? I truly hope you can convince your DH that counselling may be the most loving thing he can do for his daughter.
Yes!
This is perfect. I've been reading this post since last night and trying to figure out how to word it best to not further craze the folks that seem bent on making sunshine feel worse than she does.
I don't think it's normal either.
Also, Sunshine doesn't want to give up time with her bio to give more than she already does to sd to see if that helps her - that is ok. She is not her parent and doesn't have to. Her "affections" have not been suddenly altered thus "making" sd feel like this. In short, this is NOT sunshine's "fault" or problem to scramble around to fix, further limiting her time with her babyBS (after all SHE is solely supporting the family).
This child NEEDS therapy, not only to help correct her current behavior/feelings/coping - but to prevent potential escalating behaviors.
It's not so much that it's
It's not so much that it's "normal" but that she seems to think it's a sign of budding sociopathy, rather than that of a kid who wants a mother figure. She's already down the road having SD turn her son against her, rather than thinking how to help the little girl now.
And it partly is her problem and fault - she joined this family, helps with this little girl and decided to bring a child into this situation. Unless she leaves entirely, she will have to deal with this problem on some level.
And yes, therapy would be great.
It was a different poster who
It was a different poster who said something about sociopathy and I didn't see anyone agree.
A mother is more concerned about her own child and the possible effects on him than an sd?!? Weird....wait, I think that's perfectly normal!
Per usual, we have a guilty dad with his head in the sand, expecting his wife to fix his broken kid from another woman. And a bunch of other people seem to have the same expectation! Uhgg.
Thank you. Shortly after
Thank you. Shortly after having my son, I did put bonding time with him aside because SD was struggling. I would have DH take the baby and I'd spend a couple hours with her at least every 2-3 days. We would bake, go grocery shopping together, do our nails, whatever. Things would be great during that time, then as soon as we finished up the activity and I had to ask something of her (ie. tidy up after play, go wash your hands, read quietly for a bit while I rest) she would ruin it with being combative.
As SOON as I'm not directly benefiting her, she's back to being miserable and defiant. So I stopped trying. It wasn't worth giving up bonding time with my son to do things for someone who is ungrateful and rude more often than not. Now that i'm working, it's even more frustrating. I can only do so much. I make dinner most nights after working all day and being up all night. SD doesn't like it, so she gives me a literal death stare the entire meal. Even DH has noticed and told her to stop. It doesn't change things.
I ask her to please bring her dirty clothes down so we can get them washed so she has clothes for school. I get attitude or "I'M SCARED I CAN'T" it's like anytime I spend with her, if she's not directly getting something out of it, she has to make it difficult. I just don't have time for it anymore. I literally don't. I'm tired, I miss my son, I just want to relax - not fight with someone all night.
I agree with this. I don’t
I agree with this. I don’t think it is normal that Mom is trying to be pushed out, or competed with.
I did at first think that maybe he trying to bond with SD could help.... you know, get her on your side and life gets easier.
Now reading the response of she is the only parent working to support SD amd the baby it sheds more light.... and taking her to school, taking her to the park, and well, pretty much doing everything.
So is dad staying home with her and the baby all day then? You must be getting resentful? I would be.
i think SD needs some therapy to work through what she is going through and I think you might need more support as well. It sounds like there is a lot on you.
It really sounds more and
It really sounds more and more like a DH problem..... she is doing everything, trying to fix everything, the only one working too to boot? Doing all the cooking and cleaning? Doing all the errands? The one up all night with the baby? What exactly is DH doing?
So now you have to back off (which no one would blame you for)- SD is acting up because she most likely from the sounds of it saw you as the only parent. She prob does feel hurt because now you have a baby to look after- but this is not your fault, DH needs to step the frick up and do more. He needs to talk with his kid about her behaviour, and he needs to do more to support you- that is the bottom line here.
DH does his best. My son is a
DH does his best. My son is a bit high needs in that he doesn't like being put down, so I don't expect him to get much done during the day other than keeping babe happy. When I get home, we usually take turns making dinner, mostly because his cooking kind of sucks lol. We take turns cleaning whenever possible.
I know DH is trying as much as he can with cooking, cleaning, and night-duty. My babe doesn't transfer well to a surface for naps unless I'm there to breastfeed him as soon as he hits the bed, so DH is tied to the couch 4 hours of the day during his naps and night-duty is pretty much impossible for him.
I think the only thing he's lacking right now is taking care of SD's issues. He seems to be actively ignoring them because he doesn't want to believe there's problems. I know he feels guilty that her mother doesn't love her. I also think he's realized that me being a very attached, involved mother to the baby makes her feel worse, he just doesn't know how to handle it so again, he ignores it.
Hammer time on dh. No more
Hammer time on dh. No more ignoring! You have to make him realize this is a big deal, that you don't want to get even worse.
Sorry hon, but you are
Sorry hon, but you are cutting your dh FAR too much slack. My toddler has been exhausting since Day 1. Sleep is a fight. Meals are a fight. Shit, getting him to wear clothes or keep his damn diaper on is a fight!! Just wait until your kid is climbing and getting into everything. God i miss the baby days. They were NOTHING!
I'm a SAHM and I manage to do all the cleaning, laundry, shopping, bill paying, cooking, driving, social calendar managing and 50 other things I can't think of because I'm ducking wiped.
Your dh isn't doing his best, he is being lazy. Some days I want to be lazy too, but I pull up my big girl underpants and do what's gotta be done.
Can we start a fund to
Can we start a fund to purchase a xxx size frilly pink pair of panties for sunshine's dh? Maybe she can smack him about the head with them if he refuses to pull them up?
LMAO
LMAO
The ones with the ruffles on
The ones with the ruffles on the back
Nope, no excuses- you are
Nope, no excuses- you are doing too much!!! And you have too much on you. I know because I have been there.... he needs to really step up with his DD and take this pressure and frustration off of you. She most likely does need some counseling as well because of how her mom is. You need to tell him that there is something wrong because it isn’t sitting well with you and if he doesn’t step up and deal with it it is going to escalate and one of you will snap (and that most likely will be you).
You seem like a great mom &
You seem like a great mom & stepmom. I applaud you for all that you have done and you are doing your best which is what anyone can only wish for. Your H is the issue for continuing to bury his head in the sand and not addressing his daughters issues. He's doing a great disservice to her and brushing it under the rug is not helping anyone. The longer he takes to get her help, the more stressed out and harder it will be to address.
Do not give him any options and tell him that getting SD help is mandatory. I feel for her and the lack of love she doesn't get from her mother but your H still has to man up and take care of his responsibility.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I will try to get my husband on board.
I'm in the "Kids are weird
I'm in the "Kids are weird jealous little demons camp". I have 5 of them and they were all jealous, acted out, and said terrible stuff about me or their siblings at one time or another. I had ds#2 when dd was 18 months old and automatically she was THE MOMMY. Baby loved her best and she tried changing his diapers, swaddled him up even his face. She practically loved her brother to death! She even tried breastfeeding him LOL. When ds#3 was born he wanted to be crown prince and when he was about a yr old would get extremely jealous and upset if I gave any of the other kids attention.
Bottom line is that my kids were crazy and now I am too.
You are letting a 6yo control
You are letting a 6yo control you and take up far too much space in your head. Quit "thinking" with emotion and start actually thinking. Confront the 6yo when she pulls this crap. Just list facts with her. 1. Do you feed him?, 2. Do you change his diapers?, 3. Do you love your own mother?.... then turn her answers around on her and tell her that she obviously doesn't live her own mother than much since she thinks that her son does't love his own mother that much.
Emotion solves no problems. Use your head.