My oldest child is 21. Their oldest is 12. I have experience with this school and having a boy that age. But I am ignored and made to feel stupid. OK that BM would ignore me but it hurts when DH makes me feel like a fusspot with no brain. I have been a parent for nearly twice as long as either of them. I have more experience and an opinion which is not nothing. I deserve a voice. I hate being treated like a stupid outsider.

This gives me a message.

I WILL DO WHAT BM WANTS BUT NOT WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT MY "REAL" WIFE AND YOU ARE NOT THEIR "REAL" MOTHER.

Let him go to school dirty and smelly. What do I care right? But I do!!!

He says he went there so they could go halves in the cost and so he wouldn't have to go back later and get more using his own money. Also so he had it here at our house.. But he just said to me he might get more later.....?????

You make a good point. He could have said what he wanted and paid her back online. He didn't come home with any uniform anyway. She is dropping it off tomorrow at changeover.

I just told him how I felt. He says this is what he wants (nothing to do with her) and asked me why I couldn't accept it.

I said I don't think I can look after SS12 any more. I am not able to look after him my way so how can I? I can't look after him the way someone else wants me to. How do I look after a child under instruction from his parents? That's a nanny job right? I don't want to be a nanny. Never did.

OK. Now I am confused. He says I am saying he is a bad father and we have to do it my way. He says I am angry because I am not getting what I want. He says I am making a huge deal out of nothing and he has every right to decide how many shirts to buy. He says he would never tell me how many to buy my son.

There is a big difference here. He doesn't care for my children. He is less nurturing (of course). I think it is easier for a man to detach about this sort of thing.

Mostly I look after skids respecting his wishes. I feel he has no respect for mine. It makes me want to detach which is sad I think. I want to be in all the way but I don't know when to care and when not to care. So I end up trying not to care. I end up thinking, "whatever - not my problem". I just have to witness it and say nothing. I will never have a final say or make a decision. There will always be the "real" parent judging me.

So what about when they are alone with me (every day). Do I call their father every time they ask me for something?

This is the hardest thing to be a SM. I really had no idea.

Thanks Finey. That's a good way of putting it. I can't imagine anything I say working now. He has set this in concrete now and anything I say would just be seen as trying to get him to change his mind. It would make him angrier than he is now.

I just remembered a conversation we had about CS. He had the choice to get it dropped. We are really struggling to make ends meet after I lost my job and she is living in luxury. He told me he didn't want to do a review because he didn't want to look tight about his children. I can't equate all this. It doesn't make sense. Why wouldn't he be ok with 3 more shirts then? Im not asking for anything for myself.

I hate to say it but I don't think he loves me. I think he still loves his ex wife. I have been trying to be part of his life since I met him but both he and his ex make me feel like an outsider. They were separated but still emotionally entwined when I met him (didn't show up til after we married) and Im not sure this is about shirts and uniforms any more.

Hi MiloMum

Thanks for your comments and support.

Here is what I think - he has a huge need for me to just accept his decisions. He also knows this is probably not about the uniforms. He is adamant that he just wants his wishes respected. I think BM took away his manhood like that if you know what I mean.

Just a couple of days ago, it was changeover day. They come to us at midday. Except they didn't - BM had arranged an outing for them so they got here at 4pm instead (on DH's time!!???!!!). It was his day off. It annoyed me but you know- he really doesn't care. He doesn't treasure his time with his kids like I do. I think men and women are different like that. I enjoyed the extra time without them tbh. Why do I care if she is still calling the shots. It's his problem right? If he is ok with it, why do I care?

I have decided it's absoultely none of my business.

Yes - that's the total uniform. I have no idea how he is going to be able to go to school with clean clothes on. That is their decision. Their son. I feel sorry for him and it if was my child I wouldn't stand for it. Not for a minute. But he isn't my son. I married his father. That's it. If I get along ok with SS then that's good. End of story.

Yes we pay that much CS and no there is no need for him to pay more (for other child costs). He sees the CS and righting the difference in their income and then they go halves after that. Again, this is his business. Does that impact on our family? Absolutely. Can I get him to change his mind? Absolutely not. I have tried. I have begged and pleaded for him to put this household first. He has refused and given his deep need to be accepted and his decisions to be final, I doubt that will ever change. What power do I have? None. I can't make that decision for him.

I have decided to get on with my life. I have a new business to set up. Hard when I am the babysitter and DH insists I take them on an outing every day. I want my business to be profitable so it can support me and I own it 100%. They can't touch it. I lost a high paying job last year and I have to start again. I am financially vulnerable and I hate that. This is what I can control.

We are living beyond our means by about $2-3k a month. I keep the CS my Ex pays me in a separate account so there is enough to cover my own children's expenses. I don't want to have to explain what I spend on my children to DH. This is the result of his refusal to stand up to BM. I don't want my income going straight out to her.

This is all pretty sad. Yes I think he is a guilty Dad and still has baggage. I think he is damaged and annoying and stubborn but I think he does love me. Who isn't damaged? Right? I am not sure I can live with that damage much longer. We have had counselling but I am tired of trying to get him to understand.

The saddest part is the message I get. It's loud and clear. He doesn't respect me like he does her. That makes me insecure. I have to dig deep here for my inner strength. I will probably leave one day. Our love isn't enough to survive this - and it's not like I never warned him. I wish it was different and he could see what he is doing. I can't make him see it my way. Thanks for the hug.

I sort of wish I could show him this page but I am too afraid. Sometimes I don't want to rock the boat too much or dig too deep in case what I find hurts to much. I will do that when I am ready and I can take care of myself.

Hmmm. There is some truth in this I think. He has a strong pattern of bringing me to despair and then finally admitting his faults, only to do the same thing a month later. Then he does the"Im no good - you deserve better" thing which makes me feel sorry for him.

When we argue, I find myself always on guard for his nasty put downs. I am not saint but I tend to try to keep it to my needs and feelings. He gets nasty very quickly and makes me feel stupid. The "stop going on about it" thing can be after a 2 minute conversation. There is also one thing he does which is what I call the diversion tactic. Bad timing, making a mountain out of a molehill, raising my main defect (I am alcoholic - my programme has kept me sober for the past 4 years). etc. Sometimes he uses this to make me basically unreliable, undeserving and incompetent.

He is "taking" me on holiday in a couple of weeks and has told me I can only fill up half my suitcase. I am really uncomfortable about it but I have told him in the past how I always take too much stuff so I have assumed this is kind of part of that.

The big one - when I look back - that really makes me shudder is the day I asked him to check with me first when he offered to his Ex that the children could come here while he was at work (she was stuck and couldn't find any childcare). He basically told me to leave! He said I didn't care about his children....

I am a bit depressed today about all this. I haven't had a good run with men - usually they were "broken" and it seemed DH was strong and able. I have gone from one extreme to the other I think. Sigh.

There is something else

He has never ever said he was proud of me. I am a very good piano player. I am intelligent and I was recently given a high honour (medal) by the Government for services to business. When I told the children, he said "they give those out for flossing your teeth".

Ugh. I am googling God Complex.....

Haha. Im just reading about it. NPD. It's him!! When he apologises, he says - "Im sorry you feel that way". lololol.

Not that funny really.