Question for full-time Step=Parents who have disengaged....
My SS15 lives with us full-time and has done so for the past 5 years. 3 years ago BM cut off all contact with him, only sending birthday and christmas presents, and those stopped as of last year. So basically as she does is pay child support (mind you has done everything possible to get out of that, but that is another story!)
My question is, if you have disengaged, how do you not keep feeling like the skid's poor behaviour is a refelction on you? With BM out of the picture and DH and I the only 'parents', I can't help but feel as if his behaviour (poor hygeine, not ironing clothes, speaking rudely to people etc) will somehow be reflected back on me as I am effectively seen as his parent?? I hate that part most of all as I have control over it with my daughter, but given DH is not entirely on the ball wth stuff like that, SS gets way with it alot (or will once I stop reminding him).
"I'm a guy..." so I'm going
"I'm a guy..." so I'm going to mansplain to you why you shouldn't disengage...
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Massive eyeroll, here.
Anyway, Talia, yes, there might be some judgment on you about your step son. Part of my own disengaging process was to just let those situations wash over and past me. I accept that people will always pass judgment, but I have to be at peace in my own mind. Those other people do not know what you have or have not done, and frankly, just don't defend yourself. The best thing you can do is keep your head calm and carry on.
You can't change other
You can't change other peoples opinion. They will assume he is your son. Of course these will all be strangers as people who know you will also know he is not yours. I agree with the others that the only way is to simply not be seen with him whenever possible.
However if its his physical appearance you can simply refuse to get in the car with him "looking like that" and list the failings. You would be doing him a favor and by the way disengaging does not mean you have to completely ignore the kid. Advice can be given, you just don't repeat it. Once is enough after that its up to Dad.
If its the way he is acting you can usually walk away. Make excuses if you wish - go to the restroom. Eventually they'll see the pattern. But it would seem that 99% of the time you can simply not leave the house at the same time going to the same places.
Thanks everyone - great
Thanks everyone - great responses and some had me laughing my ass off!! i am cetrainly going to do the public announcement of not being my child LOL - that is perfect!