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prenuptial agreement a romance killer in step parenting situation / What are your feelings and experiences?

Ashleystepmom's picture

Although marriage is a financial partnership as well as a romantic one, I feel that discussing something as mundane as property and finances, as well as the possibility of divorce, will mar an otherwise beautiful time of my life.

I can't help but feel that such a request (prenup) has an undertone of "I have doubts about your true agenda as well as our ability to make this work over the long haul." Let's face it, it is not romantic.

DH never had an prenup with the first wife, as a result, he lost exactly 50% of his assets. I would classify DH as a comfortable middle class. Our family backgrounds are pretty much the same. I understand where he is coming from, but I cannot help feeling sorry for myself because obviously, first wife never had a prenup. I feel he trusted HER more than he trusted me. This alone hurts.

He has reassured me several times that I am the woman he truely loved. But due to his failed first marriage and his single father status, he has a responsibility of protecting his child from first marriage.

I can understand where he is coming from, but I can't help feeling I am a second best. I feel I have to pay for other woman's mistake. If I were the first wife, I would have entered the marriage without a prenup. It is not the issue about money, it is the issue about trust, commitment, ego, and feeling.

Am I justified to feel this way? Have any of you shared the similar experiences? How do I deal with this emotions? Thank you all in advance.

inneedofanswers's picture

We are always paying for the first wives failures in many many diffrent ways. Unfortunately it's a fact of life. She has made SO and Skids the way they are and we are left to somehow make a life using her leftovers.

Honey Baby's picture

Agreed!

Shaman29's picture

DH and I have separate finances.

After all of the crap I've seen over the last 6 years, it pays to be safe.

If you own property, get a prenup. If it kills the romance, then it wasn't worth saving in the first place.

just.his.wife's picture

Please think of it as protecting your assets as well. I made my DH sign a pre nuptial agreement before I would marry him.

Already had been divorced once, lost half of my shit then and was not about to repeat the mistake again.

Ashleystepmom's picture

That's true. I guess prenup protects me too. It is just so depressing to think about the what ifs. Sometimes, it feels like there are two families living in my house. My hubby and his daughter / my hubby, my boy and myself.

CaveCanem's picture

I had a postnup drawn up to protect my children and myself. My husband was totally on board with it.

Ashleystepmom's picture

A lot of power struggle in my family. DH is a good planner, I am more impulsive. I guess he is always ruled by logic, I am following my heart.

CaveCanem's picture

We drew one up more to protect our kids because of our situation. I think he was a little hurt by it at first, but it really is a smart decision.

StepKidto3Momto3's picture

Once bitten, twice shy.

Chances were that he was a lot younger when he married the first wife and he did not have any assists that he needed to protect. A pre-nup can also protect his pre-marital assets in case he pre-deceases you. It is not about any faith or lack thereof in your marriage, it is a smart legal decision.

(But yes, it hurts because it conflicts with the dream.)

Ashleystepmom's picture

Thank you very much for speaking your mind. This is exactly how I feel too. Typically, a prenup does not necessarily mean that you get to keep all of your future earnings. In general, it’s designed to protect the assets that you already own. This matters a good deal for Donald Trump when he gets remarried.

In our case, He was the only one felt prenup is necessary because he doesn't want to end up in another bitter divorce. His argument, "If you love me, don't leave. You get my assets in full. If you have any hidden agenda, then sorry lady, I am not going to support you or your future husband." Like I said, I understand where he is coming from, but I couldn't help feeling so bitter about it, it is like, "Did you trust me at all?"

But now since I have my own bio kid, I feel the prenup is absolutely necessary, God forbid DH and I couldn't make it, I want my son to be protected financially.

Ashleystepmom's picture

This is somewhat true in our relationship as well. I think second wife has her advantages too. We are compared to a loser, how much can we screw up? lol

Ashleystepmom's picture

That's true.
I think Marriage is just not ONLY about love, its a social contract. As I get older, I am more and more realistic about this kind of thing.

Ashleystepmom's picture

A lot of women are having a very hard time accepting even the thought of a Pre-nup.Many argue LOVE should not be based on finances but on trust, mutual respect, and understanding.

However, For me, the main reason to agree with a pre nup is to protect the couple from each party’s individual debt. I don’t want my partner’s debt to affect me. Also, I like the fact about individual accounts (checking, saving, IRA) should be kept separate. However, when an account is joint, it will be joint.

One can not ignore the fact that second blended family will never be the same as intact first family. We have our own unique challenges. I love my step daughter, but if I have to choose whom I would rather protect in life and death situation, it will always be my own bio child. So maybe prenup is a smart move in blended family situation. We just cannot be blinded by love. I rather feed my child one day if things don't work out between DH and I.

CaveCanem's picture

The death part especially triggered us to do the post-nup. We have altered our wills to again protect our children (example, he is no longer my beneficiary because I fear the BM will try to get the windfall he would've got). Once his child support obligation ends then we will draft a new one and alter the language.

Ashleystepmom's picture

Yes.
More and more people view prenup as an insurance policy.
It is really nothing personal, I had my lawyer looked at my prenup agreement and he actually said my prenup was very reasonable. Dh had my and our future kid's best interests in his mind. That makes me happy. At the same time, he does have to protect his kid from previous marriage, it is what it is.

I guess the prenup just reminds me that my man had a past, and as a result, he will always have this responsibility. But it also reminds me that he is a responsible man, he will not throw us (my kid and I) under the bus. It is reassuring.

Ashleystepmom's picture

Another thing that i learned is simply this, (would like to share with all of you)

If you and your partner have about the same level of wealth (or lack thereof)...then you probably don’t need one. But if you’re loaded, if she’s in debt, or someone owns a company and has partners—yeah, you need to think seriously about it.

This has nothing to do with the relationship. It’s about the creditors. If you’re crushed by a mountain of debt, a prenup will protect her from the hungry creditors. So, in this case, you’re not stressing her vs. you, but you’re trying to protect both of your financial future from an outside threat.

Ashleystepmom's picture

Thanks Old dart ! I am already married.
I have a 3 year old beautiful baby boy with my DH. I am just here to vent a little bit, work through my own emotions, have my questions answered. but I guess I answered my own question after all. lol

Thank you, this site is amazing (for the most part) ! Smile

NJStepmom's picture

I am getting married in the coming weeks, I am a woman with a house who watched my mother lose everything because my father controlled it all. Comparing you to his ex-wife is very immature. I am getting a prenup because I have property, not because I don't love my soon to be husband. One has NOTHING to do with the other. A marriage is a business contract in part and it states what is yours is not just yours any more.... Women have their own abilities to make money and take care of their own futures.... and stop relying on men. As far as what he had with his first wife.. he was young and naive then... and look where that got him.... he sounds like he is a nice stable guy who is being practical.

my 2 cents...

Ashleystepmom's picture

Thank you dondiva, NJstepmom, and Echo for your posts.

I now realized that A popular misconception is that prenuptial arrangements are only for the wealthy. Matter of fact, Anyone who has personal assets, liabilities or property -- or children from a previous marriage -- should consider a prenup.

A prenuptial agreement can clarify the financial rights and responsibilities of each party during the marriage and the distribution of property in the case of divorce or death. Prenups can protect spouses from each other's debts. They can also spell out how one spouse's property can be passed on to children from a previous marriage. In addition, a prenuptial agreement can indicate whether one of the parties is to receive alimony.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post. I learned a lot from all of you and I feel so much better now.

Ashleystepmom's picture

Thank you dondiva, NJstepmom, and Echo for your posts.

I now realized that A popular misconception is that prenuptial arrangements are only for the wealthy. Matter of fact, Anyone who has personal assets, liabilities or property -- or children from a previous marriage -- should consider a prenup.

A prenuptial agreement can clarify the financial rights and responsibilities of each party during the marriage and the distribution of property in the case of divorce or death. Prenups can protect spouses from each other's debts. They can also spell out how one spouse's property can be passed on to children from a previous marriage. In addition, a prenuptial agreement can indicate whether one of the parties is to receive alimony.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post. I learned a lot from all of you and I feel so much better now.