You may need therapy to get past what the kid put you through. I can't stand my SD and everytime she does something, I am sure she is going to end up back in my house. I need to get past the pain she put me and DH and my boys through. It is very difficult to do. I keep trying...

I am dealing with the ramifications of having gone through hell, a hell I had no responsibility in creating.

I resent that I have gone to a therapist. I hate therapy, you see. I have only ever had bad experiences. I also want to laugh half the time...I paid how much to hear this? Are you KIDDING? I already knew that.

Anyway, I was at the end of my 758th rope. They are all gone now. Unfortunately, I probably hate them more than ever.

I do love my husband. I do not trust his reactions to them though. I am so past so much stuff, I don't care what he does that I don't know about as long as they are out of my face. I do, however, become very anxious and troubled at the thought of any future meetings with them. I find I am always trying to plan ahead to protect myself. This drives me batty. Why. WHY IS IT ME IN THERAPY? WHY is it ME who has to worry? I did not do a damn thing to deserve any of it. THEY DID! The therapist did sympathize with this definitely.

Maybe you need validation, maybe not. For me, I know that all of that bullying and disrespect and all the excuses from my husband for that time....did DAMAGE. Big time. When the last one left, I think my husband became very disappointed that I was just not "over it." Fact is, I'm not. It sucks. I hate it. I have finally gotten him to understand that I do NOT want to feel this way! It isn't like a freaking party or something. It sucks.

Damage. Takes time. Takes healing. Just because they are gone and out of your hair on a daily basis, does not make the healing happen instantly. Do not expect that of yourself. It's a dead end path to take.

I, however, do not really get much out of "validation" from the stranger therapist. I have been somewhat "validated" by my husband lately, but even then...that is not what works for me. Not saying it won't for you....but I have found that I already KNEW this stuff was insane! I don't really need another person to tell me it is insane. I already knew I was right I'm not kidding about that either.

What I need is some healing. I do not know how I will get that yet. I am working on it. Therapsy will either unify us and give me a path to heal or it will end my marriage. I honestly cannot predict the outcome. I don't plan on going long at all. This crap drives me crazy too! I resent that I am there. I resent that their terribly dysfunctional ways have affected me, yet they keep behaving the way they do...no pain for them. They caused it and moved on.

I have NO tolerance for any more excuses for them. My husband is a do-gooder. It's a double edged sword. I already knew this myself - but the therapist did point this out about him and pointed out that his children take advantage of this. My husband loves me. I know that. It still does not mean the damage is gone.

I resent that they were the focus of everything for so long. I resent that my first year of marriage was spent in argument over their cruel and selfish behaviors towards me rather than being spent having silly arguments over what color the walls will be.

I resent them.

I resent they have no feelings whatsoever of responsibility for their actions to me. I resent that they can just act like "Oh yeah we treated her like sh1t for three plus years, but meh, I guess she's okay."

Time will take care of the resentment. Unity and time with my husband withOUT them around help. That is all I know.

I don't like the feelings of resentment. It makes me feel crummy. I feel like they took so much from me. I want it back, but all my energy went to them? Crazy.

My mother told me that I need to get over it. She knows that I was tortured, but some people seem to forget that all the while we were taking the beatings with a husband who simply does not understand (mine anyway...and I can understand some of that)...WE WERE GETTING DAMAGED! These things change us. That sucks.

My husband - well, he has taken responsibility for so much lately that went on all that time. He really has, but you know what? Even that can tick me off! What? NOW! Now that they are gone? Are you kidding. Unfair I know this but it doesn't change it immediately. My husband really could not believe his children would behave as they did. He did not see all of it. He did not know all of it. I did not tell him every last event...I hated it taking up space in my life you know. He did not raise them to be bullies. He is a very kind person to them. They are the opposite. So, I imagine this has been hard for him to grasp. Okay I get it...but grasp it! It is time.

So - I find myself feeling very raw, very tired, very resentful and hating all of that. Basically, I'm at square one. Trying to let myself just be this way for now, drop the expectations, let go of the fact that ...yes...they did this...I am paying the price...but it is what it is. Can't change the past.

Give yourself a break. These thoughts scared me...but they are there regardless.

Oh and my husband was devastated when he learned how I felt. What was I going to do though? When I told him I did not trust him to support me in the future, he said it "shattered" him. I certainly do not want to do that to him...but I am in this spot no matter what. It does not mean it cannot be fixed, but it takes time. This is actually what sent us to therapy as a last resort. He wanted to find a way to support me because he wants to, but it is not working. (I don't agree or disagree with his reasoning...but I know it is not a right/wrong thing like he was thinking.)

I think you have to make an active decision to move on. I've carried around alot of anger, resentment etc for years at dh, ss, and inlaws-these feelings kept me at odds with my dh, but more importantly at odds with myself. Who is ever really happy carrying this load around with them?

I am in the very, very early stages of being done with these feelings. My ss13 has moved back into our home and instead of devastating me as I felt it might, it has "freed" me in some sense. I'm not even sure how. Oh, he still gets on my nerves to be sure, I dont necessarily think my dh does everything perfect, nor do I think everything is now roses and is going to continue to be-but I just got tired of living like that. I decided to forgive and move on-not particularly for anyone else, but for ME.

As long as I held on to the anger and resentment I think I felt somewhat "safe" as if ss could NOT move back in-my anger would not allow me to agree to such a thing and perhaps I'd even be willing to end my marriage for it. Well, I wasnt. At the end of the day I am not going to let some kid ruin my marriage-I dont care what horrendous thing he did 5 years ago that my dh never adequately punished him for-the cost of having these toxic feelings is just too high on myself.

I also now realize I am perfectly capable of sticking up for myself, if I feel disrespected-then it's up to me to do something about it-not sit and stew and expect someone to read my mind and fix it for me. I'm not going to label myself disengaged or engaged or any of that other sort of nonsense-I'm just going to live my life to please me and focus on my personal goals-which is to have a happy family because that gives me peace. If that means at times I will be very engaged so be it-if at others it means I need to take a backseat, that's ok too.

The part about your own kids telling you to move on-I was sensing that from my kids as well. They didnt say it in so many words, but I sensed that they were at a spot in which they wanted to leave the past in the past and move on and that perhaps I was preventing them from doing that with MY unwillingness to let things go.

I'm not really sure I have any real words of wisdom here-only that I've been there, done that, am still in the process of doing it-I am not really sure how I happened to begin the process of moving on-I dont know, maybe I was just ready? My feelings only seemed to be hurting me and serving no larger purpose-once I realized that they seemed to diminish. Good luck!

My tolerance is at absolute zero

I cannot even describe how incredibly true that is for me as well.

I find I really cannot take even one minor defense anymore of it. I cannot take much talk about it with my husband. That is okay. I really do not expect he can ever get what it felt like to be in my position. I do not think it is possible unless one has walked in these shoes.

I asked him recently, "What does it matter if you don't defend them? She will NEVER know if just once you did not defend her behavior? We don't even have to tell her!"

Hahahaha - well it just doesn't work that way! My husband is very logical, so am I, but he is utterly irrational concerning his kids.

The therapist asked me how I even stayed this long (and we have only been together 3.5 years, married just over a year). I had a response, but it wasn't consice or even good. When I think about it again though, I think I stayed because I know he WANTS to be on my side? I don't really know how to describe this yet...but he says and said to the therapist also that our marriage DOES come first to him, that his children DO NOT MATTER, that he wants OUR life. Okay...so what is the problem? LOL. Ugh. I have no idea. Are we just not defining what that means the same way? Who knows.

I don't know where we will go from here.

Sometimes, not talking with him about it does me wonders too!

My tolerance is at absolute zero

This is the scary part to me. I dont know that mine is at zero, but it is low. Last night, I came home and found ss and my ds and his friend in a part of the house that I told dh over the weekend several times that i did not want the kids in. This is largely due to ss-for the most part the bios know not to hang out in there and only seem to gravitate down there when ss is here. I dont know why-they just do. I got upset and let it ruin my night-that my dh ALLOWED ss and the other kids down there. It wasnt til hours later that I sat down and discussed with him what was bothering me-and he said that he had not even seen them go down there-but had just become aware of it as I walked in the door. I had been stewing all evening thinking he LET them go down there and they ahd been there all afternoon.

I know I let this one little thing get to me because I am so suspicious, on guard, expecting the worst that I am at times my own worst enemy!

you just tore a page out of my own playbook. this is exactly how i feel, duct tape. sd hasn't really done anything for me to angry about in a long time. she's 19, hasn't lived here in 2 1/2 years, no more eowe visits when she's at mom's, we hardly ever see her. she has done some annoying stuff, like thinking she's pregnant every time her stomach growls and whining about how we never keep in touch even though she doesn't bother to call or stop over, but overall, i have little to bitch about.

i still can't stand her. it is very hard for me to forgive. she's done some pretty rotten things to me in the past, the absolute worst being raising hell about me being pregnant and then rejoicing 2 weeks later when i miscarried. i will NEVER forgive her for that. EVER. so when i know she's gonna be around, i get a feeling in the pit of my stomach and i find myself growing irritated automatically. usually things are fine. (she did annoy me at Christmas with all of her miserable shows about how bad she felt with all her pregnancy symptoms, and she wasn't even fricking pregnant!). but i can't help always expecting something to happen. she has trained me to expect that out of her.

i've had to accept that no matter how much better she acts now, i will never truly like her. too much happened early on for that to ever happen. i can be polite and friendly like i would be to anyone, but there will never be a true connection to her. that's just the way it is. she chose it, not me. so don't beat yourself up. it's easy for them to move on and act like the past is long forgotten because they aren't the ones who were shit on day after day. when you're still cleaning up the mess they left, it's a little harder to just forget about it.