OMG! I broke up with HIM
And I'm really hurting by how he reaacted!!! didn't he care about me at ALL??
I calmly told him how I feel about getting cancelled on, and his constant communication with the ex about non-kid issues.
-He asked if I have ever been involved with a guy who has kids and I admitted that he is my first. He then told me that unless I am ever in his or BM's shoes, that I will never understand what it is like. he went on to say that his kids are his priority and relationships are just under them.
He also said he doesn't see any of these things as an issue. His kids come first and he and his BM don't have any family members in the area to help out with babysitting, etc. So, if she needs him to have the kids for an extra day because something has come up in her life, he will gladly take them because 1) he loves having his kids and 2) she will do the same thing for him. And he said yes, she calls him and she vents about things that are non-kid issues, "but she's human and just needs someone to vent to. I don't really listen to her or give her advice. I let her get it off her chest and then we hang up."
He said he think that I am better off dating someone without kids, that he doesn't understand the "boundaries" thing and when it comes to his kids, there aren't any boundaries. And yes, his ex is his ex, but she is going to be a part of his life for many years to come and if I can't accept it, oh well.
He ended it by wishing me luck with the next guy I date.
Raindrop he is hurting and
Raindrop he is hurting and you were right to do it - that is Bullshit that there is no family members so he will take the kids - that just shows you that you are not at all on his list of priorities - DH and I when we had DD5 we also had no family members in the area and still don't and do you know what we do - we hire a babysitter - so both your exBM and exBF could have done the same.
I always preach that the couple needs to be strong or the whole family unit will be sick and never will work out - and calling BM about non-skid issue is a big red flag - DH used to do that in the beginning of our marriage and one day I just blew up and told him that BM lost the right to cry on his shoulder or bitch about anything in her life the first time she slept with the first guy while they were married - there were about 5 - 6 over a 2 1/2 year span before they separated and that she needed to call up her BF and bitch to him (but she couldn't because he was married and the wife would have freaked so she was calling up another married man - MY HUSBAND and just because they shared a kid did not give her the right to call up and complain about her job, living situation or love life) My DH got the message and so did BM when one time we were trying to get pregnant and I was ovulating he was on the phone and I took the phone from him and told her that she would need to call someone else to bitch tonight that we needed to have sex as I was ovulating and trying to get pregnant - then I hung up the phone and guess what - got pregnant that night!!! She was so pissed I did that but I think that is when she first realized that I was a tough B*tch and not going to put up with her BS - there have been many fights and most times DH will let me duke it out with her because he says I am tougher than her and she usually stops her nonsense once I get involved.
So you do need to find another man hopefully without children because that is what you deserve - and your EXBF may act all okay but I am sure he is hurting inside but will never let you see it - I would also be curious how happy the BM is that you two are through and what will happen when he starts to date again - feel sorry for the next woman but you need to move on!!! You will be hurting for a while but if you meet a man who has no children or a man who knows boundaries you will be like "Wow why did I put up with that crap for so long" Just come on here when you feel weak or want to vent and let us help you through it and then hopefully you will just check in from time to time to let us know about the fabulous man you are dating who has no children. Believe me you do not want to be on here for years b*tching about his kids - it is not a fun life - luckily I am at the end of the trauma - SS graduates 2012 and lives 700 miles away so I don't have it as bad as most on here really just BM issues all the way!!!
Umm yea, it hurts. For some
Umm yea, it hurts. For some reason, I feel very selfish. I feel like I didn't make myself clear enough - that the issue isn't with the kids. The issue is with her.
I know in my heart that I did the right thing by bringing it up. And I should add that I didn't break up with him. I simply told him that I want to talk about a few things that bother me. He broke up with me and became pretty defensive.
Trust me this is for the
Trust me this is for the best. He deliberately misunderstood you so that he could call all the shots in your relationship - and that just is not fair to you.
There really are plenty of fish in the sea!! so he needs to get over himself and his so-called ex. You don't need him honey. HUGS
RIGHT ON, Most Evil!! These
RIGHT ON, Most Evil!!
These guys spin our words so that we look like the "jealous" ones.
"when it comes to his kids, there aren't any boundaries."
WOW with a quote like that, you sure did dodge a MISSILE and not just a bullet, raindrop.
Those kids are going to be absolute P.O.S and consider yourself LUCKY not to be around for the THREE "tions"
ProbaTION
IncarceraTION
InpregnaTION
The issue is with HIM. He is
The issue is with HIM. He is not going to have a successful relationship until he changes his way of thinking. Thank goodness you got out before you guys got married!
I'm so sorry there wasn't a
I'm so sorry there wasn't a better ending for you. That's got to hurt terribly. I had a feeling he would only be defensive and not understand at all, because that's the type of thing I'm dealing with, with my DH. Believe me, you are very fortunate to be out of that chaos. Unlike me, you still have your life and can move on fairly smoothly. I recommend you get counseling so you are not tempted to find someone like him again. You did your best, girl, and he didn't even try to understand. Learn from it and don't go there again.
You totally did the right
You totally did the right thing! I'm sorry to hear you are hurting. You should go out & celebrate!! You are now free from skids & BM drama
I hope I did the right thing.
I hope I did the right thing. My friends and my mom think I am being unreasonable. Everyone seems to think he is showing maturity and respect to his ex and that I'm reading into it more than necessary.
By give-away, do you mean he
By give-away, do you mean he snapped because he still has feelings for her?
And the boundaries thing wasn't aimed towards his kids. When I told him that I would appreciate if he set boundaries with his ex wife, he said, "Boundaries. What are boundaries? I like how we communicate now. No boundaries are needed."
He also said something rather confusing to me. He said "I am human and I have feelings for people." I jumped on it and asked if he had feelings for his ex and he replied "Did I say that? No, I didn't. But if she wants to vent because she doesn't have anyone else to talk to, I can't turn my back on her or anyone else who needs me as an ear. It's therapeutic for that person and I'm glad to help."
Hmm...when I read the part
Hmm...when I read the part about constantly talking to the ex I thought MAYBE he could have feelings for her still. It's hard to say in this siutaion because there is so much that plays into it and so many things that make you uncomfortable. If it really is over between you two then my thought is...it won't matter if he has these feelings for her because there is obviously a man who is MUCH better for you. I know it hurts you right now, believe me I have had my heart broken many a time and each time it feels even worse than the last and I always think I have never been more upset. However...you get through it a much better, stronger person. I know you have heard that and I'm trying to stay away from cliches because I do realize how annoying and hurtful they are when you are broken. I don't blame you at all for being uncomfortable with him talking to his ex and that's why it sounds to me like if there is nothing going on...would there be again? I understand what being a good friend means and it sounds like you are also one. Perhaps you should ask him...how would you feel if I was constantly on the phone with my exbf because he was upset or needed to vent to me? I guarantee he wouldn't be ok with that. We think us women are jealous...men can be worse!
My feeling is that this will hurt for a little bit but once you come out on the other side you will realize that you deserve so much better and there is a man who wants to make you his whole universe. Don't settle for anything less either, you have so much more to offer someone and you should never have to take a backseat or be treated any less than important to someone who claims to love you. Hang in there girl...everything will work out the way it was meant to...that's a promise
You know, it seems like your
You know, it seems like your EXBF talks in circles. Trying to confuse you and avoid making any changes that YOU want. He talks AROUND the subject. I am sorry that you are sad!!!!
If your friends and/or your
If your friends and/or your mom have had experience with blended families, then you might consider what they have to say. Otherwise, they really do not know.
This is exactly what I was
This is exactly what I was thinking... BM#2 in my case is like this.. thinks she can call DH whenever she has a hang nail. DH said she has done this all along... he had 2 relationships after he and BM broke-up and before he and I met and he said both of his ex GF's hated BM because of her constant calling etc. and BM was pretty mucht he demise of both. He finally laid the law down with her when he and I got serious, basically told her that she was not going to ruin yet another of his relationships with her nonsense, that their relationship was strictly business and strictly related to SS. She has gotten better, but still slips from time to time and so does DH sometimes in that he "just wants to keep the peace" and so he'll "listen" to her (which consists of him putting the phone in his lap and rolling his eyes, while she rambles on about nothing)
Sorry, you are going through this, but you're definately better off in the long run getting out now. And good luck to your BF ever having a GF who will put up with this crap.
Feeling a little better
Feeling a little better today. I went out with some friends last night.
I still can't believe that he broke up with me for venting about his ex wife's venting.
And more importantly, I can't believe he thinks it's healthy for her to do that and for him to ask her boyfriend for home/car repair help. Geeeezh.
THat's a HUGE red flag! I've
THat's a HUGE red flag! I've been with "Godsgift" for almost eight years and he defends his ex wife to the MAX AND her mother. . .the very women who MESSED up his relationship with his kids!
And guess who he blames? That's right ME!!
GIRL YOU ARE LUCKY to have gotten away from that crap. Find a nice CHILDLESS man and start over. With these "roving men with children" there is no chance for happiness!
You have just received a
You have just received a gift. Every woman and every man who enters into a relationship needs to supported. No matter what. This man wasn't ready to do that for you. And from what I gather on these boards...most divorced men with kids will never be ready.
Move on. Enjoy being a singlton for awhile. Trust me. You're lucky.
Many virtual hugs to you, my dear.
its acceptable to put your
its acceptable to put your children first, when you are getting to know someone.
But you dont grow old with your children, you do that with your mate.
Hes going to be alone for a long time or with someone who enjoys being a doormat.
slightly jealous of your golden ticket, but I am 4 years deep and i do love my SO more than anything because he has MY BACK above anyone elses, even his 3 kids, I am one of the few without a guiltzilla so it makes it a lot easier.
Yeah he didn't give 2 sh*ts.
Yeah he didn't give 2 sh*ts. Move on find someone that sees YOU as an important part of their life. He is still stuck up his ex's a** so he hasn't exactly moved on IMHO. I have an ex husband and would rather stab myself with a butter knife then hear him "vent" to me on the phone....GAG.
XOXOOXOXO to all of you
XOXOOXOXO to all of you awesome SM's!!!
I was soooo naive when I found this board. I reallllly hoped to have this wonderful little home life and I planned on being TOP stepmom and wife of the century. What was I thinking!!
And lastly, what are the odds of he and BM getting back together? She did him dirty during the divorce and they pretty much hated each other for 2 years. And why would he still love this lady?? They weren't married for very long and it was a NASTY, bitter divorce. I'm just curious as to what you mavens think. I hate to be like this, but if they do get back together, I hope it doesn't work out!!
This is what used to bother
This is what used to bother me (and still does I guess) about my DH... he LOATHES BM and I have heard many an all out brawl between them, but then a week later, she'll call for something stupid and he'll entertain her. I was always like why would you be nice to someone you supposedly hate? DH says he is just trying to keep the peace, that as much as he hates her, he hates fighting with her, that it stresses him out and so therefore he tries to avoid the battles. When I would feel threatened, he would say "are you serious? remember I left her, she is the biggest bitch ever, I would NEVERRRRR go back to her, you have NOTHING to worry about" But sorry, it doesn't make it any easier to see him be buddy buddy with her when he is "keeping the peace"
I too jumped in and tried to be the perfect June Cleaver step mom when we first met, and at first everything was wonderful, then I got burned by skids and BM and I backed way off and said what the hell was I thinking here??? Now, I just tolerate the skids, I am pleasant to them, but don't do anything with them or for them.. that's DH and BM's job, not mine. It works better this way.... kind of like DH "keeping the peace" ... that way I don't get hurt and pissed off when BM or skids complain that I'm doing too much or not enough or whatever, it's more peaceful for me.
Try to look at this as a
Try to look at this as a lesson and build on the experience. Now, you know what you don't want to be involved in and you won't make the same mistake twice. Think of each failed relationship as a step towards a successful one.
I find it incredibly telling
I find it incredibly telling that he is so willing to listen to ex vent but doesn't have time of day for gf to vent. Wow. :jawdrop:
WELL PUT!!
WELL PUT!!
He emailed me this morning
He emailed me this morning and said he's simmered down and still loves me, but he still wants nothing to do with me because "We aren't even engaged and you are making ridiculous demands, like, setting boundaries with my ex and shyt. Who are you to tell me how the mother of my children and I should act. Life is too short."
:-(. Maybe he is right.
I know this is way later, but
I know this is way later, but I can tell that your exbf engages in what is called "crazy making behavior." Just because he was calm and you were upset doesn't make you crazy or irrational or wrong. If you think about it, there is no set-in-stone wrong here and that is ok. What I mean is, even if the whole world is telling you that you are wrong to be so upset, there is no such thing. If it upsets you and it's uncomfortable for you, then it's WRONG FOR YOU to have to put up with it.
If your bf feels it's right for him to talk to her, and that his kids come first before you always, then that is what is right for him. But IT'S WRONG FOR YOU!!
If it's making you miserable, that is enough of a reason to just let him go no matter what anyone else has to say. If he can find a woman to put up with this crap, even enjoy his kids and not have a problem with him talking to BM, then he should be with her.
And you should be with a man who cherishes you, who doesn't have kids or who knows what boundaries mean, and doesn't make you feel like you and your feelings don't matter.
This is a major lifestyle issue that is completely different between the two of you. No matter how much you talk, no matter how much he misses you or you miss him, there will never be resolution to this because your reactions and feelings are not going to change either. There is no compromising on this.
You don't want to be with a guy that you have to fight for his attention, compassion, or understanding. Trust me, that is no life.
Do you live in Arizona? Maybe we should get a place together. LOL Just kidding.
Im so sick of this bullshit.
Im so sick of this bullshit. This "single parent" bullshit. All i want to do is be involved and help any way I can but when i do i get ignored. 3 weeks ago I made a big financial deal at work and was able to get step son and S-sons gf out to visit us. My boyfriend initial had it planned that we would all be going together and then when i had to work on a saturday planned a trip with them without me. WTF?? I finance the weekend and I get none of it? why cant these "parents" see how it affects us to be pushed out and ignored and not included. So pissed at him for not including me especially since it wouldnt have been possible without me.
I just read the part about
I just read the part about his email to you and telling you that you have no right to tell him how to be with his ex and all that. Now I'M the one getting pissed off. It's true, you probably have no right to tell him what to do. HOWEVER, it's well within your rights to say that this appears to be wrong in your eyes, makes you seriously uncomfortable, you feel it's abnormal, it sends red flag warnings, and that it hurts you to not be a priority. You may not be able to tell him what to do, but you CAN tell him what you will and will NOT tolerate if he wants to be with you.
And hey, he's made it clear that he doesn't want to be with you by disregarding your feelings. All the better for you to know this now and NOT go back to a life where you will be abused. I know it may not seem like it now, but he is abusive to you. You probably don't agree and that's ok. But here you are feeling misunderstood, invalidated, dealing with anxiety and pent up anger, frustration and pain. If those are not the symptoms of emotional abuse, I don't know what are.
Google the topic "crazy making behavior." You will see your exbf's picture right there. And don't use the info to send to him to try to change him. These freaks don't change.