Odd behavior from a mother?
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I feel bad for my soon to be SD. Bio mom has a new beau (who is an avid pot smoker and who is also too young for her I might add) and is always talking bad about her own daughter behind her back, as if sees her own daughter as a threat or something. It makes me feel bad for SD and can understand why she acts the way she does. What type of parent does this?
Not a good one. a POS who
Not a good one. a POS who doesn't care about anything or anyone but herself.
Psycho does similar, even admitted to her sister she doesn't want them, refuses to support them, and in general just hurts them. Because she doesn't care.
You aren't going to be able to find an explination, I have yet to find one. And let's face it, this bahavior obviously isn't normal or healthy. There's just nothing you can do to fix their crazy. Crazy is crazy.
Not to hijack the post...but
Not to hijack the post...but have you gotten child support enforcement figured out yet?
Dh called and has an
Dh called and has an appointment for some morning next week. lol. So we're on a good track to get it figured out! Our lawyer said it may still take them 6 months to prosecute, but by then she's 6 months behind and thy have a LOT more fun with it. LOL
A friend of mine was getting
A friend of mine was getting remarried to a lovely man after divorcing a total ahole who had impregnated multiple of her "friends". I had to give her mother a ride where only the two of us were in the car. Her mother kept talking about how her daughter (my friend) screwed up first marriage and would probably do the same thing here. Lots of other trash talk about her daughter. To this day I do not know how I did not stop the car and dump her a$$ out on the freeway. I'd never met such a toxic jealous mother in my life.
Strange. My MIL is like this.
Strange. My MIL is like this. 7 kids and she talks crap about each and every one of them. Everytime we're with her, she's talking about the other 6. She'll call her daughters trampy, talk bad about their parenting, etc. My BIL's girlfriend recently told me she said our wedding was the worst wedding she's ever been to. How can your own son's wedding be so terrible? How do you even talk bad about the most special day of your son's life?
My family was thrilled with the wedding. We spent no more than $8000 on it and had it in my parent's backyard and kept it low-key. Because we have kids and want to buy a house, not spend a bunch of money on a stupid ceremony. My mom would never talk bad about her kids. Even if I have something negative to say about one of my siblings, she shuts it down and says "that's my daughter/son"
And now that I have a son, I can't imagine in a million years trash-talking him. He's my world. Even if he does wrong, I will try to correct him/guide him better - not trash talk him.
My IL clan has the rotating
My IL clan has what I call the rotating shit bird seat. Someone is always in it. Everyone else talks crap about that person but never, ever does anyone actually say anything directly to that person... except me.
If that person is doing something stupid or toxic I am the one that speaks to them about it.
It is miraculous how when they are approached on the issue... poof... suddenly they stop doing that crap. The IL clan will talk shit constantly behind the backs of each other but no one will say anything directly because they don't want to hurt other people's feelings and more importantly don't want to look like an asshole for actually saying something to the appropriate person.
It has driven me nucking-futz for 24+ years.
smh
Ha, ha! My mother bad-mouths
Ha, ha! My mother bad-mouths me to people while I'm standing right there!
It's good you have empathy for your SD. It might serve you well down the pike. I hope she returns the favor.
What is your relationship
What is your relationship like with your mother and what do you say back?
Funny you should ask...
Funny you should ask...
As I get older and friends' mothers began to die, I see more Facebook posts from them saying things like, "I wish I could just talk to my mother one more time" or "Appreciate your mother while she's still here -- I miss mine sooooo much!"
Yea...no. That is not the relationship I have with my mother. And others don't understand not all mothers are created equal.
Over a month ago, I decided just to divest from my mother for a while. She's old and I'd call her and she'd talk at me sometimes for two or three hours saying the same things over and over while I walked my dog, washed the dishes, did the laundry...never once asking how I am. But she was my mother, so I'd call her.
My mother is a textbook narcissist. I put up with it all these years for two reasons: she's my mother and she'd tend my dog so we could travel. I never felt guilty for that -- I tended her dog for years so she could travel. She owed me.
My sister (who is no gem herself) never once dog sat for my mother. Last year, my sister dumped her dog with my mother for no apparent reason. So now my mother is unwilling to tend my dog because she "can't handle both dogs at once." She will not budge. And my sister would not collect her dog so mine could stay there.
I was furious, but without options. (My dog is not the sort that could do well in a boarding situation.) The whole thing made me inventory what I get from my relationships with my family members, particuarly my mother. I realized I don't get a damn thing from my mother other than dogsitting. Literally, I get nothing from her: I don't enjoy her company, I can't call her when I'm in a jam, I cannot get comfort from her because if I manage to verbalize a problem I'm having when she takes a breath, she has the same problem, but a thousand times worse.
I work from home, I don't have a lot of friends since moving from my city some years ago. I could really use someone to call during long days at home. But she is not that person. I'd get lonely and call her and I'd get off the phone hours later feeling more alone than I did when I called her.
My mother only withdraws from the bank -- she never deposits.
So I just stopped calling. I haven't spoken to her for more than a month. I haven't missed her at all.
I don't know what our future relationship holds, but I think we hit a turning point from which there is no going back.
As the youngest, the one who married late in life and never had my own kids, I was the go-to kid. I was always expected to be there for all the holidays because everyone else had in-laws and kids. I realized when this happened last month that I had become a doormat for those reasons and a few others.
I am a doormat no more. They're gonna get the same treatment SD got: total disengagement without regret.
I have a lot more free time now. I know the guilt when she dies will be horrendous, but in the meantime, I'm free...and it feels damn good.
(My mother loved to tell people of me while I stood there like a chump, "She's a monster, but I love her!" People reacted by awkwardly avoiding eye contact with me when she said this or trying to change the subject. God, I hated that. I asked many times over the years for her not to do this. I got the classic narcissist replies: "I'm just joking!" or "You're too sensitive!" I guess she's right. I am too sensitive for that behavior. I'm out.)
I agree. It helps me see my
I agree. It helps me see my SD as a victim in a way. Her mother is terrible. I feel sorry for my sd because of it. I can't imagine bad mouthing my own kids unless I was a jealous, insecure, toxic person. Even if my child was wrong or did something bad I would sit them down and talk about it, guide them, explain to them what they did, etc. I certainly wouldn't go around bad mouthing them behind their backs nor in front of others. However when her mother is bad mouthing her she hasn't done anything wrong even. She will diss her own daughter for simply hanging her clothes out to dry instead of using a dryer or something like that. She is lucky her daughter knows how to do laundry because I taught her! She should be glad her daughter wants to do her own laundry (many teenagers don't). She also dissed her daughter for going into the wrong entrance of a house once during a family gathering (a non issue) and for not wearing the right make up(she barely wears any). I don't know why her mother cares but she acts like she caught her doing drugs, setting fires, stealing, or something like that and mocks her in front of everyone. Her mother just has major jealousy issues and is one weird lady.
Yea...this is all familiar
Yea...this is all familiar too. My mother tells people how horrible I and my siblings were to raise. She thought my brother refusing to wear a necktie to PUBLIC SCHOOL was a difficult son. No joke: she found out my brother smoked pot in high school. She called the police on him and they told her, "Lady, didn't you ever drink a beer at that age?" and wouldn't deal with her. She still says 40 YEARS LATER, "I just don't know how he could do that to me!" As if the only reason the kid smoked weed was to get back at her.
My brother is a brilliant chemist now, with two lovely kids and an intact 30-year marriage.
Like your SD's BM, my mother has no idea what a bad kid is, but you can't tell her that.
The BM in your case is hopefully making things sweeter for you. Without fear of betraying her mother by liking you, your SD might really take to you. You'll just have to see how it works out. Use the dynamic to your advantage. I would have loved having a second chance at a decent mother in the form of a SM!
I agree. Unfortuntely her
I agree. Unfortuntely her mother reminds me all too much of my own mother. I have been no contact for years now. I do not miss her. I was also the family doormat. I was expected to always go to my siblings homes, do things for her and them, my mothers home, etc to visit my nieces and nephews or just visit in general before they were even around. Not once have any of them been to my place nor offered. They are selifsh people who regularly bad mouth one another. Well they can have fun bad mouthing me or each other as much as they like. I'm out and do not miss any of them. Sadly SD wants the approval of her mother so badly. I don't have the heart nor do I think it is my place to explain to her that it wont likely even happen because her mother is a very toxic and selfish person. Another issues that has arouse is my SO's mother is the opposite, very caring but also very over bearing. He will often say I have issue with this because of the way my mother is. He might be right but also I dont think its healthy to have a mother who is overly involved in your life to the point of calling a dozen times a day, projecting every opinion they have onto you, buying you meals and groceries well into your thirties, not promoting or teaching you financial things and passively interferring in your personal life. But he is right. I have no room to talk because I dont know what a healthy mother is like. I have grown to be a successful adult. I put myself through college, have a good career and plenty of money saved. My SO has a lot of debt and is not good with managing money. He depends on his mother to network for him, find him jobs, keep him employed, and before we met would rely on his mother financially somewhat. His sister is well into her 40s and is living at home. MIL always bails her kids out and in fact enjoys this.In return I do not believe his mother cares for me nor my independence. She sees that I do not need her in that way and views me as a threat for some weird reason even though Ive always been nice to her. I feel because of having an over bearing mother that neither was taught to have enough independence in some areas. Interesting how our mothers affect us isnt it?
Very interesting...yes, they
Very interesting...yes, they do affect us.
I had a lot of trouble seeing how my husband catered to his daughter after having the parents I did. I had to really curb my tongue because I thought my own family history probably colored my criticism of how he parented.
But my parents and your parents did do something right: they taught us how to handle our money and live independently. There's no greater gift to give a kid than financial smarts and independence.
I would have liked a trip to Italy for high school graduation, though!
Let me ask you, though...don't you worry about being with someone so dependent on his mother? Such a turn off for me. And frightening...how can you depend on him if you really need him if he's dependent on his mother?