Need some advice.

Forums:

Ok so my stepson has always called me by my first name (Kristina). But just two days ago he started calling me "mom". I have never called myself mom and have never told him to call me that. He just started on his own. The only thing is that he has asked me a few times if he should call me mom and I told him that he can call me anything he wants to. He has always still called me Kristina. So all of a sudden he walked in the door the other day and says, "Mom, is it ok if Tyler comes in and plays with me." That's just how it happened and I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. Now I know that BM would have a fit if she ever heard it. But SS lives with me and BF. He only sees BM 4 days a month and she never wants him any more than that. She won't even pick up her phone or return calls unless it's her time to pick him up. But she will call to complain about this or that. So I'm just unsure of how to respond to this. I can't deny that it makes me feel good. And he's 5 and I've been in his life, day to day, for a year now. But his father works 55 hours a week and doesn't see him a whole lot. So I am the one with him every day and every night. Sometimes it feels like it's just the two of us. But in the custody papers it says that he is not supposed to call any other parent "mom" or "dad" other than the birth parents. It's like.. how do you tell a child that he can't call you what he feels is right? I just can't tell him that he can't call me mom, when I am his day in and day out stability. I am his day in and day out mom. What am I to do?

let him try it

The custody papers say what he can and can't call people? That seems really strange. Could you be in contempt if it was violated? Probably not.

Maybe he's just trying the "mom" thing on or maybe he's decided he's going to call you that. Either way, he's still calling you what he wants to. Chances are, it won't even get back to BM- what happens in your house will likely stay there.

My SK's will call me "mom" from time to time (until BM finds out and freaks out at them) My BK's call my DH "daddy" from time to time too, but it changes back and forth. I know when I was younger I tried the "dad" name for my step dad, but it just didn't fit the relationship and I stopped.

The only way BM would find

The only way BM would find out is if she drills him again. She will ask him questions over and over about what goes on in my home and what I do and everything. She really wants to know. So the only way he would say anything to her is if she's questioning him. But I will not tell him not to tell BM anything, because it's his life too... not only mine and DH so if he wants to tell her, he has that right. I just don't know if I could get in trouble through the courts. And yeah it really says that no one else can be called mom, mommy, mama, or dad, daddy in the court papers. But that could have been requested by BM when they drew up the papers.. not sure ??

I think it's great that your

I think it's great that your SS is calling you Mom. Kristina, enjoy this.

I want to get on my soapbox a little now. I also think it was very selfish on the parents' part to try to prevent, through court orders, the bond that will develop over time with a person who's fulfilling a parent's role, like you are doing with your SS. Very selfish and very insecure. Calling another parent "Mom" or "Dad" is a term of endearment for kids. In my case, it came accidentally when one of the skids ran into the house with a "mom" issue. "Mom,..." and on went the conversation. And he was 12! How is somebody going to prevent a 5 year old from using the words he knows best towards the person who parents him?

I suppose it was an effort by DH and BM to maintain respect for the other's position. But seriously, how practical is that? Obviously not very realistic either, because obviously they failed to tell their son that he can't have strong feelings for future "steps" or if they did, it's not something he's able to honor...and maybe because it's a ridiculous request, much less a court order.

So now they have to enforce it. DH has to sit down with his son and explain to him why he can't call you "Mom." He has to explain that he only has one mom and it's not Kristina. He has to explain to his son that despite his feelings of affection for Kristina, despite how she acts like a mom to you, it's wrong to call her "Mom." DH has to tell the son "No matter if it's an accident, you cannot call her "Mom"" Yikes! Whoever came up with this idea was incredibly short-sighted and possibly just a tad insecure.

Phew, I'm done with my soapbox.

What's the worse that can happen? You get a ticket for being called "Mom"? I don't think they have those sort of things on the books yet.

mum instead??

My best friend is english , lives their near her MUM, comes to see me every year with her daughter(named after me!!) who calls her MUM , not mom, close enough, not against divorce papers and you can even get your son age appropriate book on knights , tell him they have brave knights in england and you love him calling you mom but just to not make everything confusing when talking about his other mom , how about calling you mum , like the knights do.LOL
Just an idea
PS from all you said, you sound like you deserve a term of endearment, congratualtions!!

mum instead??

following the decree

For us, the decree has always been a backbone for issues. It seems it is pulled out and gone over with a fine tooth comb. So if it states that no one other than the birth parent can be referred to as Mom, or Dad, then I think that should be honored. They put it in there for a reason. It is obviously a sore spot for one or both of them.

I think the other gals have a great suggestion though. Pick a name you like. Maybe a name like mama, mummy, or mum, would feel good to you. If you have children of your own one day, you could use that same name and it would blend together. You could tell your step son that the name you want your children to call you is xyz and would he like to call you that too.

Just a thought.

I wanted some opinions yes.

I wanted some opinions yes. But you know.. I will not tell him to call me anything other than what he wants. BM won't fight it because she breaks all the rules in the custody papers and we would have that to throw back at her. SS also doesn't just slip.. the first time he said it, he started saying Kri.. then goes mom! He may just be trying it out but you know what? if the shoe fits... I am his mom in every way and I am everything to him that mom does. His mother isn't that way. She actually is the opposite. She screams, yells, hits him. In no way would I ever treat my child that way. I have always treated SS as my own, and always will. You know.. I think I'm going to let him keep calling me as he pleases, but for anyone else who has any more input, I'm always listening

Me too!!

I also think it's heart warming to see a beautiful bond between you and your step son. He obviously feels comforatble with you and loves you and the fact that you care how he feels and not what BM's reaction on catfight will be, shows you also have his best interests at heart.

I would just like to throw in that I'm an Aussie and we all say MUM all the time!! LMAO

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

I'm just a step mom

I'm just a step mom but when I try to put the shoe on my BMs foot, I see a different side. No matter what opinion I have on her parenting or mothering, she is my step-kids mother, first and foremost. In an ideal world, if I could positively influence her kids, or be a great bonus mom, or friend, that would be an honor. Now that I have had a child of my own I feel even more strongly that my feelings should be honored when raising my child. That goes for in-laws etc. If I were divorced and my husband remarried. I think I would be hurt if they allowed/encouraged my child to call her mamma or mommy. That is my name. Children try things out, we either, correct them or let it be. That tells them what is right and wrong. I want to have a good relationship with my dh's ex. It is not really so now, but I would make sure that I didn't do something that would draw a line in the samd forever. I don't want to be rude or unsupportive, I think it is amazing that you have opened your heart so wide for this child. I just think that the word he uses for you has a greater emotional attachment for you than for the child and I would hope you would think about the wider impact calling you mom would have on the whole family.

Either way you sound like a loving person.

I understand your point of

I understand your point of view completely. But in my defense (and I am not offended at all.. just to put in my words) I would never try to put myself in her shoes and I would never try to take her place. I know that she is and always will he in his life. And I honestly never meant to bad mouth her. I want to like her. I want to get along with her. She is the resistant one. She says that because I never slept with her to have a child, I have no RIGHT to talk to her. The only reason I feel otherwise is because my husband doesn't know everything that goes on in SS's life. I do because I'm the one who takes care of him 24/7. Also SS doesn't like seeing BM. He cries and just wants to come home. But when he does that in front of me or I hear about it. I am ALWAYS reinforcing to him that his mother loves him very much. And she can't be here all the time so it's important that he goes and spends time with her because she misses him very much. I would never say or do anything in front of SS to make him have a negative image of his mother. EVER!! I think that's wrong. Now she doesn't feel the same. She badmouths me and my husband all the time, and we just let her go. He will know that those things aren't true. My only problem with the parenting is that when I first came into SS's life, he threw fits all the time, never listened to anyone, spit, hit people, kicked, bit people, threw stuff to break it, and cussed all the time. And he got that from his mother's house. (My husband has talked to her more and more about that, SS still slips and cusses in front of us when he comes home from her house. But after the first time getting a mouth full of soap, he stops.) But since I have been working with him, having a constructive reward and discipline system, teaching him, comforting him when he's angry, teaching him to use his words rather than fists, he has done almost a 180. BM will yell at him to do something, he starts with the fits and he hits her and everything else. When BF tells him to do something, he resists but he will eventually do it or he gets a punishment. But if I ask him to do something, he does it. Plain and simple. Yes I get the upset child that says, "That's boring!", When he has to clean up his toys, but he does it. Because I am the consistent and that only constant in his life right now. So I feel that if he calls me mom, I will let him, because that is him expressing his feelings for me. You know, he has not told his mother or father in over a year that he loves them. He has not let anyone kiss him and he won't kiss anyone. (If someone kisses him, he cries and throws a fit about how he hates kisses.) But you know, about 3 weeks ago, I told him I loved him when he went to bed, and he told me he loved me too. He also will let me kiss him and he'll attack my face with kisses when I'm putting him in bed. THAT is actually my reward. You know It hurt a little that you would say that the word "mom" meant more to me than he does. That's not true. HE is my life! Plain and simple. I would love him just as much no matter what he called me. It just felt really good to hear it come out of his mouth. But I know that I am the one he cares for. And I know that I treat him better than anyone else, while giving structure and discipline. I get more out of him cuddling on the couch with me asking me to tickle his belly and he giggles over and over, than when he calls me mom. But I'm just saying I don't think I can deny him to call me what he feels is right.

I agree with you...

I think there is a big difference between a stepmom who sees her skids on weekends, and one that is the primary parent in the child's life. There are obviously good reasons your SS lives with you and your husband, and not his BM. I am not saying this takes away her rights as his mom, she should always be acknowledged by all as his mom, but I am saying that the child's need to feel secure and loved by the parents that care for him day in and day out should take precedence over his BM's feelings, particularly in a situation where she will not be present to hear him call you "mom". He may feel he NEEDS to call you "mom", so that he feels his full time parents are permanent, stable fixtures in his life. I think it is wonderful that he feels so close to you after only a year, and if he wants to call you "mom", it is probably the right thing for everyone. Kids are very smart, and often know exactly what they need. I am a BM and an SM, and though I understand both sides, my top priority would ALWAYS be the comfort of my child, in all situations.

Best of luck!

I don't know everything

I have never been the primary caretaker, nor has a perfectly screwed up ex. So without ever experiencing that, it is hard to really know, so I'm sorry if my comments were offensive. What I think about is a friend of mine, who by all accounts is a screw up and has made a lot of bad decisions. But I know her and I know what a good soul she is deep down inside. Her ex has custody of her son, so his wife, (the step-mom) is raising this little boy as her own. But through my friends eyes, I have seen her compassion and her pain of relinquishing her custody. She loves her son, realizes that she couldn't provide the same things that the BD could, but also, stands firm that she has a say and is and always will be his mom. So, I look at things often times from her perspective, because I don't judge her, and I care about her feelings.

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