Manipulation
I thought we were over this, but apparently, the BM and the skids are just switching tactics.
BM is the one who says yes to whatever they ask for, no matter how much it costs, no matter when it occurs, no matter how outlandish it is. In the past, BM would demand that DH pay for x, y, and z for it and DH asks for the information to be able to make a decision and BM decided that instead of delivering information, to tell the skids that he said no, so they are disappointed and normally give us grief about it. Don't get me wrong, in the past he has let the kids do activities and has paid for many different and sometimes costly activities over the years.
As time has gone on, she sends the kids to DH and more recently, me. Due to all of the extra expenses and the back and forth drama, DH sticks to the CO on these things. Of course, she gets them all excited about x, y, or z and then ends with them asking DH for x, y, and z and of course, to pay for x, y, and z. DH doesn't want to disappoint them, obviously, but he doesn't want to give in. BM has made promises time and time again and doesn't deliver. She doesn't live with the fall out of her decisions or pick up the pieces with the skids. She has made herself into the fun house, and made use into the 'rules' house. She has made us the fall out every time.
For those of you who have lived through this, how do you handle it? How do you deal with the frustrations of the skids? How do you deal with being made into 'the bad guys' over and over again?
The kids are old enough to
The kids are old enough to know and understand about money. They are preteens, so they know that everything costs something.
Thankfully, there's no cs going her way. There was, at one point, and she lied, and fought tooth and nail to avoid losing it. If anything, due to the lopsided time share (it doesn't follow the 50/50 like the CO states), BM should be paying DH each month, but we all know she would lie, cheat, and manipulate to keep that from happening. Quite frankly, as long as he doesn't have to pay her, he's not going to spend money to fight her on this one.
BM just sets him up to be the bad guy. It gets under my skin to see how good a parent he is, and yet, be the fall guy for each one of her manipulations.
I wish I had a thicker skin.
I wish I had a thicker skin. This is what I'm trying to develop.
In my experience, you are
In my experience, you are going to made out to be the bad guys one way or another, no matter what.
So, stand your ground and when she pulls that crap and the skids give you grief, explain to them that you don't know why BM promised them such and such because that is not what you agreed to. If BM promised it to them, BM is the one who should deliver. They will eventually realize that BM is blowing smoke up their asses.
Don't bad mouth her, just be honest in that you did not agree to such and such and you are sorry they are disappointed but it's not something you can do right now.
"I'm sorry BM promised you that but we did not agree to it and it's not in our budget," or something like that. Repeat as needed.
If you give in, she will just keep upping the ante.
There, in almost 6 years,
There, in almost 6 years, hasn't been a time where BM agreed to do something that DH wants. He will talk to them about something, something that only occurs on his time, and he plans to pay for. The kids will want to do it. Then enter BM. She then brings up something else, that would happen on DH's time, and gets them all excited. Normally, that something costs 2x's what DH originally planned on doing. We can't afford it. She won't help, but tells them DH says no.
I'm hoping they will. I truly hope they would figure out what's happened by now. They are getting older, so perhaps, they will understand.
Sometimes, I wonder if it's all for nothing, though. I know they aren't my kids. I've never claimed they were. It's frustrating to deal with the day to day work. Then, deal with the fall out of her poor decisions on so many levels. DH tells me I bring everything into it, but it's really hard to compartmentalize all of the issues. They stem from the same source!
We (DH and I) have had this
We (DH and I) have had this conversation many times with the skids. However, BM tells the kids that we make twice as much as her income (because we have two incomes), and more money than her (which really isn't true).
We spend our money differently, and bills come first for us. Then the fun stuff. With BM, it's the opposite. She spends, and spends, and spends, and then when it comes time to buy groceries, she cries poor.
Bm makes promises with money she doesn't have. We don't promise something we can't deliver. I would think that in almost six years, we would have made some progress and the kids would have learned something.
Your money shouldn't factor
Your money shouldn't factor in when it comes to the kids - they're not yours.
As soon as FDH and I moved in together, BM thought she would be able to get more money because now there were two household incomes. So sorry, sadly mistaken.
I also vote for: Honesty
I also vote for:
Honesty about how much money is available.
Explain how Daddy is not responsible for Mama's promises - re-explain limited money resources.
Explain how step-mother has income but she has separate obligations.
One time I sat my kids down with the cancelled child support checks, $300 each not a small sum but not large for child support at the time, they were very impressed with the dollars sent on their behalf. Really they had no concept of what was happening behind the scene until then it was all just talk. Plus they knew their mother was misleading them.
Due to the time share
Due to the time share arrangement, BM only has the kids on the weekend. There have been times that she wants them to be involved in extra activities after school--soccer, dance, cheerleading, gymnastics and so forth. It would be great, if there were time. In our home, school (and homework) comes first. As long as grades are kept at A's and B's, we take time to do stuff with them that we can squeeze into the already hectic schedule.
At one point (early on in the situation, when BM was dictating everything), we were going every day, not getting home until 7:30 and the kids would have homework to do (not much), as they were in 1st and 2nd grade. However, due to everything that she signed them up for, and would not be able to take them, and halfway through, not be able to pay for; it all fell on us to get it done. With multiple years in court, and a GAL, things have settled down somewhat. Now, BM is back to the way she was before--except, instead of telling DH she's signed the kids up for x, y, and z. She's getting the kids excited, telling them how much fun it would be (knowing full well she will not be able to participate) and that she will support their decisions no matter what (per skid).
I think she does this because she only thinks about the fun stuff. She has, in 6 years, not taken on any adult/parent responsibility with the skids (not even making sure they brush their teeth). It all falls on us to do. I get resentful, as I am not their mother (which she is very sure to vocalize every opportunity she gets), but she expects me to help, support, and finance the skids. All of the responsibility, but no credit.
/
/