Manipulating the Therapist?
SD10 has been doing virtual therapy sessions 2x a month since the whole virus thing started. SD had a session today. I stayed for the begininng and then left. One thing just really got under my skin.
Here's some background. Monday was my 30th birthday. Hubby finished the patio and got a furniture set for my present! He surprised me with secretly inviting some of my girlfriends over (social distancing of course). Just ladies having a few drinks. Lasted from about 7:00 - 11:00pm.
Therapist asked SD10 what was new. SD said patio was now complete. Therapist asked how it was. SD10 said "my stepmom had a party, but I wasn't allowed to use the patio and they made me go inside."
I totally agree that feeling left out is valid. HOWEVER, 1. it was past SD bedtime on a school night. 2. Adults only since we were drinking.
UGH I just feel like SD10 is even manipulating the therapist at this point. SD10 left out the facts that I saved an EXTRA cupcake for her and that we are planning on doing SMORES with her friends this weekend! Wtf. It's like SD10 is making it seem I am intentionally leaving her out of things. Not the case. But even if I were... that's my CHOICE, right?
I don't even want to bring it up to SD10 or DH what I heard. It just really irriates me how SD turns things around.
BIG PICTURE HERE: Any other ladies with older SD out there ever feel a sense of jealousy? Whenever DH does something nice for me, SD chimes in "no fair." It's like she doesn't want him to do anything just for me (even on my birthday) because it takes away from her in some twisted way.
DH and I went on a date a few months ago, and SD told him the whole "it's not fair you go without me, etc." DH did talk to her about how it is selfish to only think about her feelings. Obviously, him talking to her over and over has no effect.
We go out VERY seldom. I honestly feel like it shouldn't matter how many dates we go on though.
Is it bad that I already see "daddy issues" written all over the wall she gets older? Anyone with teenage SD in a similar situation? Please tell me I"m not the only one!
A good therapist will be able
A good therapist will be able to see through this. My SS (13 at the time), told his therapist that I was "too strict". She pushed him further and then told him, that I didn't sound strict and it was okay to have different rules at different houses. She also reminded him of all things I had done for him, which she new, because DH had told her about them.
I have one SS who always needs DH to do something for him after he does something for me. This has been going on for 5 years, and this kid is now a teen. If DH gives me a hug, SS will come over and give DH a hug. That's better than when he used to try to crawl in the middle of our hugs. If DH gets me something, he also gets this SS something, so he won't feel jealous. It's super annoying and a little weird. I point out to DH that his kid would likely not be doing this if I was his mother, so he shouldn't be doing this because I'm the stepmother.
Came here to say this - a
Came here to say this - a good therapist keeps asking questions. Why did you have to leave? Did SM have friends over? Do you think SM and her friends wanted to talk about adult stuff? What time was it? Etc.
BUT, a good child therapist also includes the parents. So if this therapist never meets with DH and BM, she's not a good therapist.
BM picked out the therapist..
BM picked out the therapist... of course, right? Lol. Yeah I am definitely seeing there are better therapists probably out there...
Nope. I would never tolerate
Nope. I would never tolerate anyone picking the therapist but me. I would make it a managed selection process and having a neutral therapist would be fine. But I would not let the opposition choose the therapist.
smh
Oh I def agree 100%. We have
Oh I def agree 100%. We have 50/50 and husband gets final decision for educational rights. BM gets final medical decision. Otherwise we would def be picking!
Ahhh. The devil is in the
Ahhh. The devil is in the details. Unfortuneatly that means that daddy gets stuck with half of medical bills. Have you considered really expensive private schools for the Skids? BM paying half of that could be funnnnnn!
Two years ago, BM changed the
Two years ago, BM changed the address on file at the doctor's office, but kept it under her ex husbands name. Bills were being sent to her house (which she was responsible for) under HIS name. DH asked for 1. to not use his name on documents and 2. forward mail directly to him.
PsychoBM said "Well, it's not my credit score if you don't see the bills or pay."
THIS is the complete psycho we are dealing with.... and no wonder SD is halfway just as manipulating.
She sure sounds like a super
She sure sounds like a super psycho.
Sorry you have to deal with a BM like that.
Unforturnately that seems to be a often reality that many of us have to deal with....sigh.
As far as education rights go
As far as education rights go... I am a teacher and SD was court ordered to keep attending the same school I work at, even though BM lives out of district. It is best for SD since she has been there since K. BM is extremely bitter about having to pick up/drop off from my school. BM also hates that SD10 "sees me and talks to me on her weeks" (We are 50/50).
Good therapists are hard to
Good therapists are hard to find. YSD had four different ones between the ages of fourteen and nineteen, three female and one male. YSD was able to fool all of the females with her lies and Little Girl Lost/I've Been Through So Much act. Only the last (male) therapist realized she was misdirecting and playing the victim to avoid being accountable..
I think in steplife, it's very common for skids to see it as a competition for resources - time, money, and attention. No matter that in an intact family the parents wouldn't be with them every minute or showering them with gifts and excusions - they see the SM as an interloper. Girls especially are very territorial.
I agree. I don't think it is
I agree. I don't think it is uncommon for SKs, even as adults, to not understand SM's true role. Part of that is because some SM's overreach, some SKs are jealous, or the other way around, and so on. But, I don't think the bioparents, in general, do that good of a job of explaining what SM's true role is, and that is as dad's wife. I do think a lot of men, either accidentally, on purpose, or accidentally on purpoose, tend to be rather dismissive of their wife (SM) whenever their kids are around, and it is not just dad focusing on his children. It is dad, himself, showing that even he is not comfortable with SM's role around his own children.
Sure, dad may know he loves SM, loves being with her, she's his partner for life, etc., but around the kids, his kids with another woman, he's not real sure what to do with the elephant in the room, so to speak. Not excusing this at all. Just saying that that is the way it too often seems to go. It is almost like there is something wrong with dad just acting and treating SM like what she is, his wife (or SO), around his children. And, unfortunately, i think DHs themselves enough of the time think it is somehow an insult to their own children to just hug or show any kind of affection toward another woman other than their mother, and this can be even after DH and SM have been married for years.
Nonetheless, the end result is, as you say, that SKs wind up seeing this new woman in their lives (and their dad's life) as competition for resources--time, money and attention. It is only with dad's constant reminding that this is his wife AND with dad treating SM as his wife, that SKs can begin to see her true role. And, let's face it, not enough dad's do this. Instead, SKs wind up seeing her more like another sibling that they have to compete with, and especially see her as competition for mom. That is why if you have a BM who is into PAS and a DH with his head in the sand when it comes to BM and his kids, that no matter how well intended you may be as a SM, it will never be a smooth road for you. Never.
This was helpful - thanks!
This was helpful - thanks!
She's 10. She is naturally
She's 10. She is naturally self centred. That is how she saw the evening. She told the therapist what she saw and what she felt. It doesn't sound manipulative to me.
You could interview a Child
You could interview a Child Psychologist on your own, then take the child yourself..I mean DH.
Having 1 parent solely titled the reporter and gate keeper is ill advised. Especially regarding all aspects of medical/mental health.
I know this based on my experience.
IF you can audio record the next sessions, you may need it. OPPSEEE, I didn't know I couldn't do thatttttttttttttttttt. Works for BM's they always act first, then act dumb later.