Kids shouldnt be forced around people they dont trust
I saw a facebook post yesterday, summed up it said: Children should not be forced to be around people if they say they do not feel comftorable or like that person. (and some times this is totally right but other times not so much)
I started reading all the comments on it, the 1st thing everyone jumped to was sexaul abuse. And it made me really mad. Ok I am not saying that it doesn't happen and if some one really things that they should not make the child go. But the post pretty much saying if a kid says they don't like some one they should not have to be around them. Then it pretty much said that person they do not like is a bad awful pedophile. There is no other reason that a child wouldn't like some one right?
SD10 does not feel safe around DH, and why you ask? BM has created this crazy idea in the childs head some thing is wrong with him and our home. SD10 has nothing to worry about at our house, but ever since SD told us some things BM didnt want us to know this has started. DH did call social services, they did a long investagtion, and BM was mad. BM always tells us " I am not sure why SD does not like coming to your house, she does not feel safe. She won't tell any one why."
I know BM is mad about the socail service thing, but when a child tells you BM new husband is beating the crap out of BM, and BM has to cover SD with her body so she doesnt get hurt you have to call right? (after BM got divorsed she started playing the vicitim and admitted to everything SD said was true but she couldnt get out, I have never been there but we offer to pay to get her out anything she needed. Instead of taking help she made SD feel like crap, and made her lie and say she never said anything.) And what really made me mad was when we went to speak to SS after they talked to BM they told us the BM, her husband were there for the entire interview of SD. Totally diffrent topic.
SD can spend time with us if BM is around otherwise no way. BM has started now saying its my fault, that SD doesnt like me and she has no idea why. Well me either because I keep my mouth shut for the most part and treat her extra nice because we dont see her much. Also when SD does come over with BM she is glued to my hip pretty much.
BM has created this child who doesnt think she should have to do anything she doesnt want to, as long as SD says she is scared she doesnt have to. This includes school, SD misses school because she just can't go, its to much on her. She will throw a huge fit, and refuse to let go of BM or get out of the house or car to go.
I am tired of the world thinking just because a child does not want to do something they should not be forced to. Yes dont get me wrong if you honestly think something wrong is going on NEVER MAKE A CHILD GO. But in the instance its not that. Its SD doesnt want to do something then she doesnt have to.
And I just thought about it BM is not really well adapted to the world either. She moves in and out with men all the time. SD is 10. BM has lived with over 10 guys in this time period, she even married one. But always back at her parents with in a few short months. She has not kept a job for more then a year or two, she stays unemployed.
By letting children refuse to do things they don't want to, or maybe even if they are scared, is not creating a good future for them. The 1st week of school SD didnt go at all, she was to scared. It was not a new school, she knew kids there. She just didn't want to leave BM to go.
I am sorry I just really got annoyed that the world sees only one side of things. BM acts like she is the amazing and she does all she can, but behind the seasons she is totally make SD worse.
Rant over
This is exactly the notion
This is exactly the notion that alienaters bank on. It is really difficult because on the one hand, OBVIOUSLY you do NOT want a child going somewhere they don’t feel safe (when there is a reason), or going somewhere they could be harmed or are in danger, but on the flip side this is what alienating parents use to successfully isolate the child and get away with it.
They know that the child saying “I don’t feel safe with dad (or mom)” or “I don’t trust dad (or mom)” and being very vague about it is going to raise eyebrows. It also puts them in the spot where they can say “what am I supposed to do about it?” “I can’t FORCE them to go if they don’t feel safe”, or “I don’t know what is going on and I can’t put my child in danger or make them uncomfortable” and “this is not MY fault”. It is much less drastic than trying to get the kid to lie about some fabricated story, it is very simple and efficient. To the alienating parent it feels like they can cause damage to the relationship without damaging the child’s mind (although the separation does impact them, they just can’t accept that idea and that isn’t true in their mind).
in the parental alienation handbook these are the most common quotes you will hear from kids... some take it a step further (when needed) but this tactic works perfectly well for them.
I have always wondered if they have some sort of secret website or play book or something.... they all always do almost the exact same things!!!!
The worst and most sick part of it is that these parents who do this put kids who are actually in danger into horrible situations... because although there are few SOME judges do believe in alienation and WILL change orders and do things about it.... which means some kids who are abused will be sent to that abusive parent. Also the moms (or dad’s) of these kids will comply (unlike alienating parents) because they are not personality disordered.
This is BM and SD to the T!!
This is BM and SD to the T!! It drives me crazy, SD has turned into this drama queen any way. Always something is wrong, some one hates her, and she the world is out to get her. Only one small thing that makes me happy is she is starting to be a out of this world trouble for BM. SD is awful to BM so maybe its a little pay back.
DH told PigPen to get a
DH told PigPen to get a haircut. BioHo called DH and threatened to call CPS if DH "forced" Piggy to get a haircut.
And here's the REST of the story...
At 13, PigPen's hair was halfway down his back. He often wore it in a boy bun.
Kids at school were teasing him about his "girly hair" and PP whined to DH. DH told PP he could do one of two things:
1) ignore
2) get a haircut
PP went home and whined to BioHo that he was AFRAID of DH - because DH was going to MAKE Piggy cut his hair. BioHo apparently luuuuv'd his greasy, tangled, stinky hair so she called DH and pitched a fit.
and that's when a well place
and that's when a well place wad of gum on the pillow will make a haircut happen.
I'm the only one who chews
I'm the only one who chews gum, so I'd be blamed.
Slime, silly putty, carmel,
Slime, silly putty, carmel, you get the picture. Anything sticky. LOL
Sadly, I think those things
Sadly, I think those things would come out easily. Sigh...
Silly putty doesn't. I cut
Silly putty doesn't. I cut it out of my bio's hair.
Raising a bunch of weenies.
Raising a bunch of weenies. Wait until this kid has a boss that they dont like or co-workers they dont like.
If she is any thing like BM
If she is any thing like BM she just wont work and look for some low down man to support her, or get knocked up hoping that man will.
That actually is my one SD’s
That actually is my one SD’s life aspiration at 13 years old!! She actually told the therapist that in her report... she wants to be exactly like mom and be a single mom as her career (I’m not kidding).
Please tell me the therapist
Please tell me the therapist was as deeply disturbed by that as I am...
You need to really listen to
You need to really listen to what the child is saying.
Years ago, around the time of the McMartin preschool case, the news was full of talk to your children, children never lie. My friend had a girl in first grade. She sat the child down and said that if she ever was bothered by someone or something to tell her. Child replied that she didn't like Jim.
Now friend starts to think. Jim Child has been around Jim who is part of a group she belong to. But, child has never been alone with Jim.
Friend asks some follow up questions, but all child will say she doesn't like Jim. Friend says you have to give me a reason.
Child then says, I don't like gym because on gym days I can't wear a dress to school.
Listen to you child, but hear what they are really saying, not what you think they are saying.
It’s really sad but I no
It’s really sad but I no longer believe a word hat comes out of my stepson’s mouth. I’ve caught him lying way too many times. He also manipulates regularly and tells family members stories by bad mouthing his own parents and grandparents.
If I had a dollar
If I had a dollar for every time ,my skids said that they were "uncomfortable" about something or someone, often me, I would be able to take a kick-ass European vacation with a wardrobe fit for royalty. They did what they wanted and only what they wanted. Their friends were the same way. They all knew the magic words that manipulated their guilt-ridden parents desperate to make up for their pain. Sorry for sounding unsympathetic but their parents getting divorced was the ticket to Disney Land and ice cream on demand.
Using those words in that
Using those words in that context certainly is coming from an adult.... they have heard it or been asked. I’m thinking “Do you actually feel SAFE at dads?!”, “Does your mom make you feel uncomfortable!!? Because if she does....”, or “I feel like my child is in danger every time he is with his dad, he must not feel safe...”, “I worry sick about you when you are over there, they are so rude and you must feel so uncomfortable.... you are uncomfortable right?”. Or saying these things to family/friends within earshot of the kids.
Oh and my fav when SD comes
Oh and my fav when SD comes over, DH didnt want BM because of you. BM says SD had to come up with that on her own. NO BM your telling SD this because your still not over DH. Parents have no idea how much what they say affects the kids, well maybe she does and uses it to her own advanatage.
I compeltely agree! There was
I compeltely agree! There was a time where I would have foolishly agreed with that statement. I didn't realize the effects of alienation, I never thought it would be real in my home. I never thought that parents who have done nothing wrong, have provided for, loved, supported thier kids would have their kids turn on them. I didn't think it could be real... until it was. I makes me sick and I won't ever trust my SS again after everything we are going through. Ours was like a light switch. There was no gradual ease out of our lives. I am only 5 months in this hell but it will forever be damage that can't be undone.
I am looking forward
I am looking forward to hearing my SD's version of why she is estranged from her father some time in the future. She was given basically everything she ever pointed at from the moment of birth and treated like a princess with every whim endulged and every temper tantrum excused. She turned into a spoiled entitled young woman who can not keep a friend or boyfriend to save her life. I had told her father for years that he was harming her rather than helping her but he had drunk deep of the BM koolaid and joined the cult of the child. Now she has turned against him after he told her it was time to get a job or go to school to at least ccontribute something toward her life more than 4 years out of high school. She is going to have to come up with something to tell people. It is going to be interesting to hear what it is. Because the truth will not go over well with anyone other than fellow spoiled brats.
Oh how life has changed in
Oh how life has changed in the past 5+ decades. There was a time when children were to "be seen and not heard", to "only speak when spoken to" , were to do what they were told when they were told, and told if they wanted to cry they would be given something to cry about.
Now it is all about how a kid feels. Hell, it is about how supposed adults feel.
There are things to be said for those times.
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