just wondering..

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a few weekends ago i had a sleep over for my SD 6..it was 3 kids, kids i use to babysit when they were younger and my SD, the kids are 2 girls ( 10 and 12) and a boy (9). After we took the kids home, my SD said her goodbyes and she had no problem, she wasn't upset at all or anything..and life continued on. Then tonight my dad came over to play games with me, my BF and SD. we played wii for a little, then it was shower time for my SD so that she could go to sleep and get up to visit her BM the next day. So she takes her shower, and my BF gets her out of the shower and she is crying, saying that she misses the kids from the sleep over and wants to see them. So she gets dressed, and I go to say good night and ask her why she is upset, and she says she is worried that the kids will be grown up and not want to spend time with her anymore and forget about her. I told her that they have a long time to grow up and that they love little kids and wouldnt forget about her. I told her that when they are grown up she will be grown up too and that some friendships change over time and its ok. I told her that me and daddy will always be here for her and always be her friend, when shes feeling sad or needs us, then she said she was worried because were grown up and we can go where ever we want and we might leave her.. and i explained to her that we wouldnt ever leave her behind, she goes every where with us.. shes our little girl, and with out her were not a family..then she asked if she could lay in bed with us and i told her she needed to try to sleep in her bed and that i would come check on her and if she wasnt asleep she could sleep with us or if she had a bad dream of course she could come sleep with us..now the thing iam wondering about..is my BF says he thinks this is related to BMs lack of involvement in my SDs life..she just recently became reinvolved after being gone for 2 years..so maybe she is worried about people abandoning her...i tried to think back to when i was going through stuff growing up with out my own BM but I cant remember a time like that..so I think that she was just upset because she had to go to bed and couldnt stay up and play the wii, so she tried to cry and get extra cuddle time out of us..or does she feel like she misses out on all the fun when shes with BM because they dont do anything but watch tv and color pictures.

Sounds to me like she's

Sounds to me like she's afraid of abandonment. That isn't a normal thing for kids to think unless they've experienced it and are now insecure. My son says he misses his dad, but thats about it. He's never said anything about being afraid because grown ups can leave and go wherever they want. I would have her talk to a counselor at school or a therapist if you can afford it. Good luck!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

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thank you for posting this

thank you for posting this comment..i love this site..the comments come at the best time..her BM is no where near a great mother..shes been gone for 2 years and now trying to straighten out once again and get back on track again..and we picked her up from her weekend visit ( every other weekend and weekend day for 9 hours) and all she could talk about was the wonderful things "MOMMY" did for her..and it disgusts me..and breaks my heart..she has her "MOMMY" and her "NANA" ( dads mom), and iam just (name) but i do it ALL!! and i dont expect her to get it, she cant get it yet..but it still hurts...

I agree- it's BM's lack of

I agree- it's BM's lack of responsibility and follow thru. We STILL get this type of comment (though obviously not this exact response since SD is nearly 15.) We are always here for SD, BM comes and goes, barely takes any scheduled time, cancels etc. But my SD has twisted this fact around. BM is ALWAYS there for her somehow. Its likely b/c in our case, when BM does see SD she makes a big production out of letting SD dictate the time. SD interprets this as BM caring more, b/c we don't let her do whatever, whenever. We couldn't- we have her 24/7, minus 2-3 weeknights a month that BM follows thru.

I can't tell you how many times she double and triple checks that we are in fact taking her somewhere, picking her up, following thru on something. She checks in with BM several times before a scheduled visit, but doesn't act like she's grilling her like she does us.

If your SD's BM stays in the picture but is unreliable/inconsistent, brace yourself for more or worse attention seeking behavior/affirmation requests. It's hard to be the parents who are there for it all, and questioned constantly by a child, but once you understand where it's coming from and release the feeling you can or need to "correct" it, it does get easier.

I simply continue to answer my SD when she asks. Sometimes I do calmly point out I already answered you yes, and she will respond she forgot or didn't listen to my answer.

Goodluck. This little girl has big issues ahead with a disengaged BM.

"Parental love is unconditional, relationships are reciprocal." ~Zen

Your comment makes complete

Your comment makes complete and total sense...after we picked her up yesterday she asked me if her sleep over was tonight and i told her we cant have one til february..and she got all sad again last night about her friends growing up and leaving her, but she did say what i told her and that was that they needed to spend time with their families too.. and it makes sense that she loves being with BM when she is there, its a free for all, BM doesn't have grocery shopping to do for the week, laundry to wash, behaviors to correct etc...she gets her 9 hours a week, of course she has nothing to do..we just need her to mess up...one more time..and one really good time!

Really? "we just need her

Really? "we just need her to mess up...one more time..and one really good time!" Wouldn't your SD REALLY need her to become the mother your SD needs? I can understand your frustration. It sounds like you have been the "mother" to this little girl, but unfortunately we aren't their mothers and they still NEED their bio parents. I'm sorry for your SD that her BM was away for two years, but it sounds like she is back now and IS trying to be involved and that truly is what your SD needs. The reality is that BM may not change, may not become what your SD needs, and it is wonderful that you are reassuring her that you and BF will be there for her. I would also recommend that you remind her how much her mom loves her and that her mom is trying hard to be a better mother to her.

Sometimes the constant

Sometimes the constant rejection is worse than one big rejection, mourning and moving on to a great degree. I see this with SD. By BM canceling every so many times it is making SD more desperate to please and hold onto BM. BM is now talking about moving out of state, and dangling taking SD with her. We will call her bluff, because it is one. When DH said, "Well, start taking all your scheduled time now, and if she really does better with you we'll go back to court to change custody."

BM started back peddling "Why would we have to go to court? Can't I just take her to whatever state I move to?" Etc. One would think BM would want to go and reverse CS at least, if she took SD out of state why would we still get it? But she didn't. I saw that as pretty transparent. She wants to set us up to look like we're denying SD the opportunity, and I think she absolutely expects him to say "No way" b/c when he considered it she started the BM back peddle.

Though I will say, these turbulent years since we got FC, and BM chose to become less involved than she already was when we had shared parenting, have made me think back to what the child psychologist said. She agreed that it may be better for SD if BM actually did leave altogether, b/c the verbal/emotional/neglectful attitude toward SD was so damaging. But...she warned us that BM would be even more damaging if we had FC, and she didn't go all the way away. And here we are.

Every couple of TH's we get the call, "Gotta go out of town...gotta work...I'm too sick to take her..." etc.
And that's when my SD blows her top and baits and rages at us.

So I would caution to be careful what you wish for. Lots of things improved when we got FC, but relationally? SD went on the same downward spiral as BM did.