It's not about winning .. or being right ..
It's not about the way she makes me feel. It's about the kids. Or it should be. Kids need their mom, as much as their dad.
BM is in Texas. The skids will join her there in another month. She's a manipulative, cruel, selfish woman. And she is there mother.
I emailed her pictures of the skids with updates about what they've been doing and how things are here. It was a very light, friendly email. I know she misses her kids. I know her kids miss her. Part of my motive is driven by the fact that once the skids move there, we won't see them again until December. So while I understand her pity party over being separated from her kids for 2 months; their father will be separated from them for 4. And I just hope that by trying to make an effort and upkeeping communication that she will return the gesture.
Am I foolish for putting the effort into this communication? Maybe. Will I likely get burned when the tables are reversed and she refuses any similar updates? Most likely. Should I back off and let DH handle all this stuff? Sure.
Do I take comfort in knowing that I'm doing the best thing I can for the kids? Absolutely.
I'm so tired of people in my life encouraging me to fight fight fight and to not "give in". I understand the sentiment, but who suffers in all that? BM? DH? Me? Maybe .. but not nearly as much as the skids.
If it works for you, that's
If it works for you, that's great. In our case, BM made it absolutely impossible. I don't advocate the fight as much as stand your ground on the important things. We didn't fight so much as ignore, ignore, ignore. Had to.
The only civil communication my husband could have with his ex-wife was no communication. And believe me, that was what was best for SD!
Yeah, I know that every
Yeah, I know that every situation is different. I fully acknowledge that our situation is not nearly as bad as most of the posters here. I just haven't given up hope that it COULD be better.
Yes, she's rude and mean and spiteful .. but she's also capable of civil communication. I could be wrong .. this could all bite me in the ass .. but I don't think I could look back in 15 years and feel good about the situation knowing I didn't at least try. She may still be snarky and sneak in her snide comments and remarks .. but I'm an adult and perfectly capable of ignoring those little jabs.
DH and I have no problem standing our ground and sticking to the custody agreement .. major decisions will not be impacted by these "updates". I just don't want DH to lose all contact with the skids when they go to TX.
I've tried your approach
I've tried your approach because it should be about the kid. I put my anger aside, put on my game face and tried to work with them. Unfortunately it doesn't work if only one person wants to make the effort. I don't like fighting. I prefer peace. I'm a happy go lucky person and I feel very removed from who I am, by this whole situation with my SS8, DH & BM.
Ya never know...at first, I
Ya never know...at first, I was all about "taking the high road and turning the other cheek," knowing full well that BM was a nut. She thinks like a 12-yr old, always has. One of her aunts explained to me that BM was abused as an infant. OK, well, I felt like I needed to be the bigger person with that news. I needed to show SD18 (then 7) what it meant to love unconditionally, without games.
BM went back and forth between hating me and loving me. She was beat up by a BF, and she was my best friend. Her new husband abused her, she loved me. She went to far as to say she wanted us to take turns with all the girls, and my BD could come up with a cool name for her. WTF? Then, it was back to hating me and continuing on with PAS...
Fastforward 11 years...BM's consistent PAS, double-dosed by SD18's half-sister23, they finally have their wish. SD18 made that dramatic, hurtful exit last week. All of the work, unconditional love, generosity was repaid with "I f-ing hate you and I am leaving because of YOU." blah blah blah.
She belongs to the world now. Hope it chews her up and spits her out.