It's on!
Ok people. It's show time! Shit hit the fan yesterday afternoon!!! It was progress report day. As soon as DD and and SS got in the car, I said "Let's see 'em". DD got hers out and read it to me and SS ruffled through his backpack and then just starts saying his grades. I stop him after the first one and asked "what class was that?" I was driving and he was in the backseat, so I didn't realize he didn't have the report...he was just telling me a grade. We got home and I proceed to look through his backpack and it's nowhere to be found. They get their progress reports/report cards in the last class of the day...what in God's name did you do with it? What I did find is 6 math worksheets that were incomplete, 2 english worksheets that were not done and one social studies worksheet that wasn't done. This was after he supposedly already got his homework out to work on. SS and SD had been at BMs most of the last couple weeks (she apparently now works somewhere new, 5 hours away, so she works so many days and comes home for so many days...so they were with her while she was home). I put them in a stack and pointed them out to DH when he got home. DH had to go pick up SD from tutoring and when they got home, SD came in crying. Her progress report was HORRIBLE. Failing 4 out of 7 classes. DH was livid. She proceeded to go to the couch and sit there--sobbing. After about 15 minutes of this, DH told her she had long enough to whine, to get busy with her homework. She started yelling at him:
SD: I'm not whining
DH: Then what exactly do you call it?
SD: You just don't understand
DH: Tell me
SD: I won't tell you because you'll yell at me
DH: Try me
SD: No. I can only talk to mom about these things because she understands me.
DH: Tell me
SD: No, I can't ever tell you anything without you yelling at me.
I had to break in there and told her that was a lie because just a couple weeks ago, we had a long talk right there on that couch (read other posts about me finding a text of her talking about a f**k buddy). We had a good conversation then, you didn't get yelled at, you didn't even get in trouble for the horrible language that was used.
DH: Yes...what about that talk? That's you not being able to talk to me?
SD: You just won't understand...it's about what I'm going through at school...
DH: (this is when he started yelling) The only thing you need to be dealing with at school is that (pointing at the progress report) anything else is useless!
I know it doesn't sound like much, but I was so proud of DH. I even took him aside before I left to go to my house and told him...look, this crying jag and all the "oh...you'll never understand, you don't know what I go through"...it's just a way to get your mind off the grades. Ignore it. Or if she continues, ask her if her "problems" have anything to do with the girl that she tried to start a fight with the other day. I don't think SD knows that we know about it. I am anxious to talk to DH this morning to see how late their night was, because when I left, SD hadn't even started her homework yet as she was laying on the floor..crying like a baby.
AND...SS was still sitting at the kitchen table and he was also crying! When DH asked why he was crying, SS complained about all the work he is having to do. I (again) piped in and said "Well son, if you'd been doing your homework this week like you should have been doing, you wouldn't be sitting there doing it now". DH backed me up again! We don't even know if he can turn this work in now or not (some teachers just do not accept late work), but DH still made him sit there and complete it all!!
Another bonus: the favorite aunt of SD just so happened to be at our house-dropping off some b-day money for SS. When she found out that he hasn't been doing his work, she told DH to put the money in SS's account until he can get all his work caught up..then he can have it spend. AND...she has recently caught SD on Twitter using filthy language and completely obsessing over Justin Beiber. This is the same aunt that has (for the past 10 years) treated me like crap because of the lies that SD has told her. Aunt is starting to see the light of the truth. She told me last night that she treated SD's bio mom (Aunt is a nurse/SD is adopted) at one of our local detox facilities. The bio mom is an addict that is certified schitzophrenic (sp?!) and bipolar. Gee...this is lovely. This is the genes that SD came from! Aunt is worried that SD will end up being 16 and pregnant. I reminded her that this is one of the things I've been worried about for a long time!
It was a classic evening!!!
I know that I am
I know that I am over"step"ping my bounds, but the kids are suffering due to the indifference of the BM and the often times helplessness of DH. I do have to say that DH is getting more and more involved, but it's been a long time in coming and these kids need someone to parent them. The skids already hate me and already treat DH with complete disrepect. Yes, SD got yelled at because she always plays that "woe is me, nobody loves me" game and it irritates DH to no end. He has never really expected much else from skids other than to try their best in school and they can't even be bothered to try, so when SD becomes angry, violent and obsessive orr whatever other behavior to get the subject off her grades, it pisses DH off. We are still trying to figure out how to regain control of the house and still make mistakes...like yelling.
I know that what you say is true...they hate me, the treat DH like crap and BM is the best of everything anywhere. But, I just can't seem to stand there and watch these kids get thrown under the bus.
It might help to know that I came from a blended family. My own BM was a completed whack job, but she had the descency to walk out of our lives for most of our younger years. My family was in the truest sense of "blended". Both parents took care of the collective kids. Both parents did everything-making rules, discipline, doctor visits, etc. Rocky, bumpy road, but it was family and we loved each other regardless of step or biological status. I guess I still believe that, even though the sitution isn't quite the same, my own blended family can eventually get to that "happy medium" place....I guess that's why I continue to over"step"....
I'll admit, I don't do anyone
I'll admit, I don't do anyone any favors by being so wishy washy with my level of involvment. One day, I am full of piss and vinegar and ready to rule the world...like yesterday. I took on that "mother" role and stood with my DH--good "step"mom or not. Then, there are days that I feel like a big asshole and I don't lift a finger to help the skids-I let DH handle it all. I just always come back to the thought of "Well...if BM isn't going to try to parent at all and DH isn't going to be a parent consistently...these kids need someone to be there. To not be afraid to lay down the law and expect them to toe the line.". If that makes them hate me, while I wish it weren't that way, I am ok with it because utimately, I know that I am doing what needs to be done. We often hear people complain about the kids of today and this is one great example why. Kids aren't being parented like past generations were and I, for one, am not ok with that. While I will read self help books--especially in matters of family--I don't always look for them to solve my problems. I don't subscribe to the happy go lucky, everyone's a winner, let's talk it out way of raising kids. I am in to real consequences in respect to the problem, and am not afraid to pop my own daughters behind when it's called for (although I do not spank skids).
All in all, while I respect everyones right to disengage (I practice that from time to time myself) as do I respect everyones right to use a book to guide them through lifes hard times, I just don't believe that it has to be all one way or the other. I can mix it up, I just hope that the skids will somehow benefit from my insistent presence....
I suppose what I am trying to
I suppose what I am trying to say is this: I have been in these kids lives for 10 years now...SS was still in diapers when I came into the picture! DH (and I) only have a few more years to try and teach them a few things before they leave the house. (SD is almost 14 and SS is 12). How do I (as a mom to my own almost 14 year old daughter) and a caring adult in their lives just hang them out to dry? DH and I have had many "parenting" discussions and I have offered to wash my hands of the whole team approach if that's what he wanted. He didn't. DH wants my help and my help he will get. As I said...he is starting to wake up to his parenting duties, so hopefully, I will soon be able to sit back and watch him work his magic.
Even though the skids behave as if they hate me, I still think of the times when they have moments of sanity. I have a Mother's Day card from just this year where SD wrote "Thank you for always being there for me. I (heart) you". And on vacation this past summer...we went tubing on a river. SD held on to my tube and held my hand when the rapids got a little scary for her. It's those very few and very far between "moments of sanity" that make me strive to be all these kids need me to be...
i think your skids are whiney
i think your skids are whiney cry baby self entitled brats..... gosh, they sound a lot like mine.. does ss piss in the bed and sd lie & steal??
after my tuesday 'bout over homework, i have decided to just not give a shit or at the very least keep my mouth shut regarding their grades.
i suggest you do the same and use your energy on bios. maybe after seeing the praise and recognition one gets for doing good may rub off on skids... that was a big fat MAYBE! but at least you don't waste your energy on a useless & thankless task!
I'm with Step here...and
I'm with Step here...and honestly a lot of times kids grades suffer because of what they are experiencing in school. If they are upset because they are mistreated, bullied, made fun of, etc. this affects their self-esteem and in turn their grades.
Your DH had a chance to LISTEN-really listen and THEN talk to her about the grades. But instead...he proved her right when she said she can't trust him, can't talk to him, he won't understand and he'll yell...that was a learning moment..he didn't take advantage.
AFterall= is this about your SD or just grades?
Homework for kids is extremely excessive these days-there are tons of researchers and experts that have come out with articles/studies/books about how the excess of homework can create such chaos, disharmony and stress in a home. Honestly yes they have to do work-but if it's excessive then a talk w/the teacher is in order-if they fall behind let them catch up sure...but i know there are parents that hound kids in 1st-2nd grade for hours in the evenings..sorry the teachers can kiss my ass I'm not putting my kid or this house through hell because you aren't teaching what you should in class and think it's appropiate to saddle kids with 2hrs of homework every night. This is when I stand up for my kids.
I can't tell you as a teenage girl how much you need your parents to LISTEN and have you share their problems...instead of yelling or lecturing. You may think it's about distracting from grades...but will you know now? No. These things ARE connected. It's not always about just laziness. There were moments of teaching right there that were blown by her dad.
There was a TIME to lecture about grades...perhaps AFTER she opened up about her personal issues. I actually got very sad reading that he did exactly what the girl thought he would rathern then calming down and reaching out to her..and then the fact that you celebrated that as a good thing? Everyone can chose to raise as they deem fit though.
I know that all this is read
I know that all this is read as SD saying "you're gonna yell" and then DH doing just that seems like SD is justified, but I want to let everyone know that SD played the card of "you don't understand what I go through, you're gonna yell" so that DH would move away from his disappointment over her grades. This is what she does every single time she gets in trouble for something. She starts crying, she says her life is miserable, no one listens to her, no one understands, no one cares. That's why I reminded her of just a couple weeks ago, DH and I took time to figure out how to talk to her about a text that I found (I even asked for help here on ST)..from SD to her friend..about a f**k buddy. SD is 13 and we were floored. We sat her down and talked to her in a calm and reassuring manner. We spent an hour letting her know that we love her, she doesn't want to act this way, people won't respect her, etc. The moment we started the talk, she started bawling..but it cleared up fast when she found out she wasn't in trouble. Then...towards the end of the hour long talk, we started talking about being disappointed in her use of foul language, she starts crying again and immediately raises her voice to us and starts saying things like "you don't have to worry about it, no one is going to love me, I'm fat and ugly, so no one will want to ever go out with me". Again...as soon as she realized that she wasn't really getting into trouble, she dried up.
Was it ok for DH to yell? Ultimately, probably not. But, when he is trying to get her to talk and all he gets is that fake "woe is me" crap...he lost it for a moment.
Later that night, SD and DH did have that talk and it was all about how "everyone" at school hates her, "all the boys" call her fat and "all the girls" always pick on her. A generalized issue like that makes me believe that there isn't anything different going on at school..it really kinda reinforced my belief that she was trying to divert attention away from her bad grades. My daughter goes to the same school and she informed me that SD seems to be wanting to get in a fight with anyone. If someone just happens to glance at her in the hall-she starts yelling at them "What are you looking at?". Some boys were walking behind SD and DD and were apparently having a discussion about something that involved talking about weight. SD turns around and yells "Are you calling me fat?" DD said the boys looked completely bewildered. The other day after school, SD tried to physically instigate a fight with another girl. The girl ran off and told the principal and SD went to the office the next day. Does this sound like she's the victim or the bully? Why is it that these crying jags only happens when she knows she's about to be in trouble and NO OTHER TIME. Yes, I know she has issues, but she seems rather happy with life until something like grades come up....
I don't think the "woe is me"
I don't think the "woe is me" act is fake. It's pretty much a proven stage that teens go through. Who here felt completely understood as a teen? Now that I'm grown, I can see all the things I brought upon myself, while at the same time thinking that nobody could possibly understand me. Defensiveness is natural, even if it is extremely annoying.
And I completely disagree with you jumping into the conversation between them to argue with her. I would take that as two against one and it seems counterproductive when trying to relate to SD.
You (along with your DH) are not "fighting" fairly, so she should be expected to fight fair.
Indeed-"woe is me" is a very
Indeed-"woe is me" is a very typical stage during those years...but at the time the feelings/pain is real. If she's looking for fights or being extra defensive and the "weight" thing keeps coming up it's more then likely she is struggling with some self-esteem and not liking herself and feeling a lot of rejection. Thus affecting her reactions/grades.
The expectations of how girls need to look these days is huge-and the only way they can somewhat navigate through this is with a very healthy self-esteem. Obviously there are reasons she doesn't....perhaps both her parents can take a look in the mirror there...but this just means her struggles are probably very real -especially to her and she doesn't feel heard.
Yelling IS conducive to low self-esteem also...if she is saying you're always yelling to her dad-rather then him/you get defensive it may be good to actually reflect on that?
With progress reports-I've always found it useful to NOT confront them head on the min they walk in the door/car. It immediately puts them on the defensive or that it's all that matters. Perhaps trying to start the afternoon as usual then bringing it up-ok...so lets see how you're doing and what we need to work on may help them not be so defensive about it.
I will just say this. In my
I will just say this. In my home of my 3 children and 2 skid's. I am the main person to discipline my children as my DH is to his kid's. Mind you we do have to interact with each other's children. But if it's over the top and child is out of control, they get sent to their room for the BP to handle the matter further. As for main functions in the home we try to set the same guidelines for all of the children so there are no feelings of unfairness, but that doesn't always work and I don't always agree that spanking is the best answer. However if the situation calls for it I will do it. We try to always involve the other parent in conversations with a child when we feel the other needs to be there. But there are also times when it just needs to be the BP of the child to handle the matter and sometimes the DH has me talk to SD16 thinking I might be able to discuss things better with her if they are of personal nature. After that we discuss what happened so that we are both in the know of the situation and possible resolution so the other is not caught off guard.
If only we could get better at other communications in the home, it would be much more peaceful
All in all, each parent should be the main one to correct and punish their own child. This shows the skid's the unity between the two parents in the home. And makes them understand they can't run over the SP and get away with it. Each parent must support the others efforts in disciplining the children otherwise it will never work!!!
Your SS sounds exactly like
Your SS sounds exactly like my SS!! It is a continual battle to get the homework done etc. I also disengage when I feel that I have reached a point but then the next day I jump right back in!
DH needs to step up but sometimes it just doesnt happen and it really is difficult to turn your back on these kids! They need help and it is our responsibility to a point to help. Just because DH is passive doesnt mean we should be too! I realize they arent our children but we still care about them and about their futures! I find myself chiming in when DH is discussing H/W w/SS because DH doesnt always know what the truth is. I imagine SS feels like we are ganging up on him but he made the choice not to do his work so he has to take the consequence of his actions.
My BD does well in school and I do focus more on that but I still care about SS education even if he doesnt and even if DH is passive about it. I cant help myself! :O
I think it's a form of
I think it's a form of bullying...at least it probably feels like it to the one who doesn't have someone their to back them up. If your DH doesn't know what the truth is, maybe he should get the facts beforehand. But then again, that's making it a SK vs SM issue and not a schoolwork issue.
I think the need to control the situation and be right is more important sometimes than actually working through the problems.