In an intact family, I would agree with you 100%. I just think so many parents and stepparents here deal with limited parenting time and combatting/undoing the damage being done in the other household, know what I mean?

I mean, how do you blame dad for a spoiled, bratty, entitled child he sees 4 days a month .. who spends most of her time with a mother who sucks at life and tells the child she doesn't have to listen to her dad or stepmom? (This isn't my situation, but not far off from what I've heard about others').

I agree with you to a point.

DH allowed his kid to behave like a little s**t towards me. He never disciplined her, only assumed if he ignored the problem it would go away.

It wasn't until I told him I was leaving him, that he got counseling and cleaned up his act. I calmly explained he was not treating me with respect and was treating his child like his wife, and me like the child.

I see free range children all of the time, whenever we are out, because of permissive parenting.

That being said, there are just some kids in this world that are crappy no matter how they are raised and there are examples of this all of the time on this board.

For Gawd's sake! As they were growing up, we had little to say about how they eat, what they eat etc. Now, they are 17 and 18, they are fussy, disgusting brats when it comes to food, one only eats meat and bread for goodness sakes!!! at 18! The other will not eat anything that he has watched me make.... and there is not a DAMN THING we could have done about it. They lived with BM and only came to see us every other weekend. Now they live with us full time! Granted, I have modified some of the meals I make, but for the most part, you don't like it? There's the toaster. Clean up after yourself. I don't give a sh*t if it is "someones" food, unless you have a food allergy, food is for for family. Period.

No 2 guesses for who this is aimed at??

Well you know what? I joined this forum to vent "as it clearly says in the top left hand corner of the web page)

Not to be judged by people who wouldn't last 200 yards in my shoes let alone a country mile.

My mother always taught me that if u have nothing good to say (especially when not even asked for advice!) then keep shut!

You have absolutely NO idea at how I have suffered DIRECTLY at sd13's hands

But god forbid I eat her special cake!

People in glass houses shouldnt throw stones, but I'm glad you're perfect enough to lay judgement at my door!

Thank you

While I had a very rough time with DH's kid, I had to learn to hold DH (and Uberskank) accountable for her behavior.

She was horrible to me and I nearly divorced my DH because of how HE was allowing her to treat me.

Put the blame where it belongs. The kids may behave like brats and they are responsible for their actions, but takes your spouse/SO to do something about it.

Ultimately its up to each of us to decide if how they're raising their children is worth staying in an unhappy marriage.

I don't mean to offend but about 75% of our spouses should be ashamed of themselves and what they allow and what they contribute to heir marriages.I totally believe that mos tof the issues are parent related but it is easier to blame/resent the kids than the man you are married to.Almost every issue I ever have my husband is at the root of or the kids mom.

Example: Kids lay around playing video games and eating in the family room and leaving wrappers out= My husband allows it and does the same ( not the video games but watching TV)

Example: Kids leave dirty clothes laying on the floor... their mom leaves her dirty underwear and clothes all over at her house and allows them to as well... it was so bad last time DH was in her house he said something to the kids and she told him not to criticize her children.

For the most part I can't complain too much about my skids... there stuff is typical teen boy stuff. At our house they know I will say something when they don't pick up after themselves so they have improved. Especially since I was diagnosed with MS, they have stepped up... the kids more than the husband.

99.9 percent of all step parent issues are directly due to the bio parents. (usually DH)

I agree with this post, but Im gonna tell you why. Let's face it everyone knows someone outside of this forum and has made a personal connection or a friend from here.

Alot of this SM have bio children with their current husband so the stakes for them walking away is alot higher of say mine where the only stake in the game is how much bull shit Im willing to tolerate to reach my desired goal which is about the kids being 18 starting their life and DH and I starting ours. There will always be issues here when it comes to DH oldest, I already know that, but BM will be gone, support and finances will be by choice not by court order.

But for some of my friends I have made outside of this site it is just not that easy.

So where as I dont give a shit if I have something to say, DH will hear it and he will act on it, or I will come up with something that suits me. IE in my case it was disengagement. Or I will lose my ever loving mind about it and he will ultimatly pay the price behind closed doors.

But I believe not enough of my friends make sure their heard. And I mean heard loud and clear. Some of my close friends dont communicate clearly, they muddle it and him and haw.

Other women the other step mom's pull massive passive agressive bullshit like the stunt of eating a cupcake. With that being said she has sent a clear message that segregated food has been ok up until this point.

She has allowed this behavior from both of them for how long?

The very first time SD13 told me what food could and could not be eaten in that fridge I would have had DH by the shirt collar. And he would have resolved it then and there, instead SM has laid back and let it happen which sends a message that it is ok for sd to dictate and ok for dh to allow.

I hate when people throw out the just divorce him card.I think about divorcing mine all the time. I stay married not so much because I love him but I don't want my 6 year old shuttled between 2 homes and to have to deal with all the crap that goes along with it. Worrying about him being cared for by his father w/o my making sure he is awake and out of bed. There is the financial part of it as well, we are short selling the house ( which would have been a big issue in the divorce process,) but I would still end up having to declare bankruptsy as well if we divorce. All the financial ruin has been brought on by DH and decisions that he has made and pushed me into.

I personally held my DH accountable for his kids actions and words. He used to hold me accountable for mine. My kids are now young adults, as is one of his kids. He no longer holds me accountable for my kids (22 and 24) and I no longer hold him accountable for his kid (16) but I do still for one (12 yo). My SD 16 unfortunately doesn't care about anyone but herself, she back talks both of her parents and criticizes me any chance she gets. This is somewhat normal 16 YO behavior. Just because she's from a divorced family doesn't mean she's any less accountable for hurtful and mean words and actions. I hold every 16 YO accountable for themselves. They know better. They have examples of behaviors from adults all over the place. They have a choice of who to emulate. If they choose to act like a bitch, then I call it that. If they choose to act agreeable, all the better. The age of reasoning and understanding happens earlier than we realize. These kids play us, manipulate us, use us and when they're done we turn to one another and point the finger at each other. if they're old enough to understand how to manipulate, they're old enough to take the blame.

That's just my two cents......

I had my sister live with me from the age of 15, until 18. Our parents divorced when she was a toddler, I was already an adult (only just) me and my close brother were raised well, my younger siblings, ZERO parenting. My sister stole $3000 from our Moms business when she was 12, my Mom didn't really punish her, so no surprises when my sister continued to steal.

Anyway, during the 3 years she was with me, I got mad at the stupid things she did (she's seriously gross to live with and has no respect for people and their property), but I ALWAYS blamed my parents!

Even if a NCP has their child for 4 days a month, if that parent chooses to throw his/her hands in the air and say "well, there's nothing I can do, I only have kid for X days, so I choose not to address her shitty attitude, because it's too hard for me and kid wont listen anyway" TO ME, that makes that parent just as responsible for the kids shitty behaviours as much as CP!

Parenting IS HARD! But someone has to do it, and it sure as hell wont be the kids themselves!

Mmmm....

If we're doing a root-cause analysis, I would say this post is spot on, but a root cause analysis does nothing in our quest to find a solution. If anything it just makes matters worse.

Take my DW for instance.

My DW still to this day has a nasty habit of pointing the finger IMMEDIATELY at Donkeykong for some of the hang-ups we have with SS.

Poor eating habits? Donkeykong's fault.
Poor study habits? Donkeykong's fault.
Not able to sleep at night? Donkeykong's fault.
Attitude problem? Donkeykong's fault.

Even if it WAS Donkeykong's fault, laying the blame on a parent that only sees him 50% of the time doesn't do anything to fix the problem. All it does is continue to sow discord into an already unpleasant situation.