Inappropriate or overly sensitive?
A lot has been said about what is appropriate behavior for young kids, girls especially, and dads. My DD has never known her bio-dad, and is a total daddy's girl w/ FDH. If daddy doesn't like it (onions, mushrooms, artichokes, I could go on), she doesn't like it. If daddy is dressed "Italian" (I'm not sure why, but apparently his Echo shirts are Italian), she wants to dress "Italian." If daddy's working in the yard, she wants to work in the yard. And it just goes on and on.
So far as behavior in general goes, I don't really find their affections to be inappropriate with *one* exception - wresting. I was a tom boy into my teens, so I know where she's coming from. But I was also molested in my tween and early teen years, so this is bothersome to me. I know how easy it is for an ill-intentioned man to slip in a squeeze or a touch that shouldn't have happened.
I can't help but worry about it. I tell myself that I trust FDH, and he's never given me any reason in the world not to, but I can't shake the feeling of "what if." I've made it clear to DD that she can tell me if anything inappropriate were to happen (I've never said anyone in particular or any situation, either), and not to worry about feeling bad about it, or that if she were threatened that someone would hurt her or me, I promised they wouldn't. I've talked to FDH about how it sometimes makes me uncomfortable, and he says that he understands my position, but that's how she *always* wants to play (true), so he would feel bad basically telling her, "no, we can't play anymore."
So, from an objective point of view, am I over reacting or is this normal for a tom-boyish, tween girl.
there is no reason they can't
there is no reason they can't play anymore, they just need to find something else to do, he needs to tell her NO. Plain and simple
While I can understand your
While I can understand your DH's issue about not wanting to tell her the two of them can't play (I think this is the reason family members haven't mentioned it to my niece), I think it's a mother's place to have the conversation w/BDs about what's appropriate play and what's not. This way the onus will be on BD not DH.
Also, in the case of my niece, my MIL once told her, when she was climbing all over my DH, that she wasn't acting lady like and she immediately stopped. But obviously she didn't learn anything because today she was cuddling w/BIL during dinner, and he didn't say or do anything to discourage her. Had his GF been there, I'm sure she would not have been pleased.
I feel so relieved by your
I feel so relieved by your answers. I thought maybe I was making stuff up or something. I think I'm going to talk to FDH first and basically say that she is becoming a woman and that this type of behavior isn't lady like or acceptable anymore. Once I have him on my side, then approach her *together* to explain the same thing to her. I really think if I couch in terms of "it makes mommy feel weird," that they'd both just disregard me, but if I tell them that *other* people will find it weird, they'll listen.
And reading what I just wrote so pi$$es me off. How exactly is it that other people have so much more control of what happens in my house than me!? Oh well, that's another fight for another day.
"And reading what I just
"And reading what I just wrote so pi$$es me off. How exactly is it that other people have so much more control of what happens in my house than me!? Oh well, that's another fight for another day."
Why are you mad your little girl is growing up and she, along with your husband, needs to realize that? I don't understand? And the way kids are getting bombarded by the media sooner and sooner about sex the earlier in age they need to be taught this. Its just the facts of life, I don't understand why you are pissed?
Not that she's growing up and
Not that she's growing up and everything else you wrote, but that if I explain it from the point of view that *I* find it inappropriate, they will both think to themselves, "well, she's just fuddy duddy ol' mom." But if I explain it from the point of view that *complete strangers* find it inappropriate, they will listen.
well if you yourself were
well if you yourself were finding it uncomfortable how can you expect "complete" strangers not to? Go with your mom instint, this is something you obviously realized before you even asked? I highly doubt your Husband is being perverted due to how you explained the situation its just time for you daughter to learn to be a lady and expect to act and be treated as such
You're right that I've
You're right that I've realized this before now. I've brought it up before now. But it's hard not to think there's maybe something wrong with me (i.e. I was molested so I'm overly sensitive to a non-issue) when they both tell me they like to play that way, it's normal, yadda, yadda.
If they are wrestling maybe
If they are wrestling maybe they just need to tone it back? I don't know what you mean by wrestling, like the stuff on tv? If your daughter is a tom girl I wouldn't totally discourage it or break her spirit by making her become girly if she's not. Maybe they need to just tone it down some. I don't know how to address that its probably easier to just have them stop all together. I was the one girl with 4 brothers my dad wrestled with all of us kids when I was little but that came to a halt around 2nd or 3rd grade, we still played but it was more structured sports such as throwing a ball, playing basketball, racing while running and arm wrestling to see who out of the 5 of us got to play first in monopoly needless to say I always lost
But I know my mom had a talk with me about the time the wrestling stopped about becoming a little lady and a big girl.
I think age plays a big role
I think age plays a big role in it, too. You said your horse-play like that stopped around 2nd or 3rd grade. Well, mine will be entering 4th this year, and if her birthday had been 24 days earlier, she'd be entering 5th. So yeah, it's not just the action but the combination of wrestling plus her age.
And by wrestling, I mean she jumps on him and tries to grab his face so that he falls on the floor, then he "body slams" her and tickles her or puts her in a head lock or something else until she "gives up." Of course she only gives up long enough to be let go and then starts it all over again.
This type of behavior has to
This type of behavior has to be nipped in the bud. A friend of mine has 2 daughters and had the talk about boundaries w/them long before any horesplay started so it's never been an issue.
I too feel instincts play a big part of the dynamic. If it doesn't feel right, you have to say something because nothing will make it right.