I'm not proud of it but I read my husband's emails
His exwife recently told my husband that she'd been diagnosed with stage 0 breast cancer and she wanted to have a "family meeting" (meaning her, my husband, and their 5 year old daughter) to discuss her cancer. But then my husband told me that she wasn't requiring treatment and that it was not a big deal. He and I got into a fight about why he's involved in a personal health issue that doesn't involve him because it doesn't require chemo or radiation or surgery or anything that would impact their daughter, so why tell her? He's been in the den a lot this week on the phone, and I suspected it was with his ex so I checked his computer. I'm not proud of it but I did it.
I found dozens of emails discussing her tests and treatment. It's early, as he told me before, stage 0, but they're doing biopsies in her breasts and lymph nodes. She's understandably scared. She's using my husband for emotional support which I don't understand because she has a boyfriend (he's new but still), a family and friends. My husband changed her mind about talking to their daughter until she knows more, which I agree with.
Here's the odd thing. I got this weird feeling out of nowwhere, just an intuitive feeling, "she is going to die of breast cancer." I mean, she told Dh that 7-10% of women in her situation die within 5 years. I have no reason to wish her harm, we've gotten along okay until she freaked out about Mother's Day but even that didn't make me hate her or anything. So I have no idea where that intuition came from but it's strong. I hope she survives but I have this weird feeling that she's not going to. In the meantime, I guess my husband is going to lie to me about supporting her emotionally and I'm going to lie to him and not tell him that I checked his email and I know what's going on. That's not good, I do know that.
This is really hard. They
This is really hard.
They were married and were close, they shared a child etc. BUT you are his wife now. So it's probably inappropriate.
But has she moved on? Does she have a new husband or partner? Does she have kind parents?
My mum had terminal breast cancer. It was horrible. She was terrified. She wondered who would be left to look after her kids. Your BM in this instance, well yes stage 0, but who knows? Imagine looking Down the barrel of that gun? What about her daughter? If it kills her, or comes back in 5 years and kills her then (and yep, it comes back!) then what about who looks after her baby then?
I guess I can see it from the other side. She's afraid, in a way that many of us can't understand or relate to. She's probably never been as close to anyone as she has your husband (bloody unfortunately) so she turns to him.
A great time to watch that Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon stepmom movie.
I think you could have a role to play here, to maybe be the better person and support her. Let her know her baby will always be treasure with you. That you are there for her as a human being to human being. That you can watch e girl during appointments or treatment. That she will always be welcome. That if worst comes to worst you'll keep her memory alive. That you're just.... There. As fucking awful as that must be for any of us who are in your position!!!
I also imagine it must be hard for you. Take assurance in the fact the woman is probably not trying to steal your husband, just probably doesn't know what else to do.
Totally agree I'm the
Totally agree I'm the snooping thing. If you have a gut feeling you should always follow it. Your gut will never fail you.
Regarding boundaries. Well, going behind her back is shitty. As a family they can support people though. Just because I support others doesn't mean I can't support my husband. My kindness isn't a finite resource. If my ex was dying I know my husband and I would be there if he needed to talk or if he needed to change visitation for appointments. That we would be there to reassure him his daughter wouldn't forget him. Yes, he's my ex, a waste of space, but he's a person, cancer is scary.
Mum had terminal. My husband has cancer and has been in hospital now for months. I truly believe being kind and compassionate to anyone (except child molesters) who is faced with big things makes us better people. People have been so kind to me and I wouldn't hesitate to even take my kids SM for an appt if she ever needed it. I'd be fucked if it weren't for people looking after my kids, cooking for is. Even coming to fold my laundry. My kids SM has watched my kids, even the ones that aren't hers.
Humanity is doomed if we can't rise above the shit when things get really tough.
Of course, stage 0 isn't dying. But it's still scary and the odds are that it's going to come back. Further tests could show more. Hearing you have the big C or even your husband has the big C is just like hearing the world is about to end. It might not get her now and they can rid of it, but the odds are that this will return someday.
Sueu2, what you are *doing*
Sueu2, what you are *doing* speaks so loudly that i cannot hear what you are *saying*.
What you are doing is positioning yourself as a prophet on a pulpit in the Church of Our Lady of Perpetual Pain. You are the High Priestess preaching an arrogant and disdainful gospel to the lowly crowd that you see as barefoot and pregnant. You get off on your lofty status tossing the unwashed masses pearls of wisdom doomed to find no appreciation.
You are neither kind nor supportive.
Tobin, do not feel pressured to worship at this altar.
I find it really sad when
I find it really sad when people can't rally to support each other. I did read the post, the OP says the BM is not a bad woman. They may have been corresponding but it's about the cancer, not about secret sex or love. She should come clean and say she knows about him talking to her and approach the support as a family.
Sure, the little girl is too young, but my God, the poor woman. Esp if OP thinks she's going to die.
And they do die. Look at my family for proof
when they are dead and gone all the fighting and bickering we ever did just seems to stupid.
I'm on the planet where my
I'm on the planet where my husband is in hospital fighting for his life because of cancer. And I'm grateful for all and any support I can get. Be that from my ex and his wife, or what.
But hey, maybe I'm not normal. Maybe I should tell them to stop helping us and mind their fucking business because we are with other people now. Maybe I shouldn't help anyone who is not my current husband. Maybe I'm just too kind and it's not socially acceptable.
One day when you or your husband is dying of cancer maybe I'll see you here on planet Pluto with me, huh?. And you can rest assured that even then, even if you are my worst enemy, I'll put my hand out with compassion and be gracious enough to help you in your time of need, whether it be babysitting or just listening.
you're a wonderful person,
you're a wonderful person, but when you extend your hand to people who have tried to destroy your marriage, don't be surprised if you get a big pile of doo doo in it in return. and, nobody feels bad for a martyr. most of the ladies on this site are fighting the influence bm has over their husbands, trying to destroy their marriages as it is.
so, you would be ok with your
so, you would be ok with your husband having private conversations and relying on his ex wife/girlfriend? and, by the way, OP's husband is no longer his ex's family and no longer included in her support system. she is simply a business associate that is ill and all OP's dh needs to know is how this is going to affect the kids. anything other than that is boundary crossing and traitorous to her marriage, ESPECIALLY how he's doing it on the sly (because he knows he's not being loyal to his wife).
My ex, who has been remarried
My ex, who has been remarried for several years, was diagnosed with cancer. He sent me an e-mail to let me know. I offered him my sympathies and sincerely let him know I was "pulling for him" and wishing hm a full and speedy recovery. I have not heard from him since. I also don't know if he told his wife he had e-mailed me.
I think when people are diagnosed they might reach out to many people. As TobinZ says, that's an understandable human reaction when faced with your own mortality, and we need to react to them with humanity.
But. I did not feel it was my place to offer him any more than that, and to be honest, I didn't think it appropriate to keep that door propped open for additional (or frequent) communication because ... he has a wife and I have a long-time SO. There is no one else in the world I would rather discuss such important life events than with my SO, and would assume the same holds true for my ex and his current wife. Why complicate things by offering a shoulder to cry on, when I know he has a wife who loves and cares about him?
It sounds like your DH's ex does not have that kind of relationship with her current boyfriend, so maybe she's just gravitating back to your DH. That is a reason for some caution, but not cut-off. Do the things that feel honest and right and encourage your DH to do the same and to be open with you about it. Let him know that you are there to support him, his child and by association - her - when times are tough. If you do that in a non-threatening way, he may come clean about how she is confiding in him about her fears and then the two of you can figure out a balance between helping her through this phase, and not letting it cause any rifts in your own relationship.
By the way, my ex and I did not have any children together. But he was still an important person in my life, as I hope he sees me, and I do care what happens to him.
The only discussion they
The only discussion they should have is related to their child, the rest is emotional support and no different than an emotional affair…he needs to get his head out of his ass. She needs to find her emotional support elsewhere.
Thankfully most breast
Thankfully most breast cancers are treatable and are not a death sentence, especially since she has found it early. Don't get me wrong, I would still be scared too. Odds are that she will be fine. There are only a few that are terminal. I am a medical professional. We diagnosis "breast cancer" a lot! Some need no treatment and will get better no matter what we do. We tend to treat everyone and we have a lot of survivors, only because you were going to be ok no matter what we did. You will only know after her biopsy.
It is not fair to you that he has become BM's emotional support...he is having an emotional affair in that he is hiding this from you with the knowledge that you would be hurt by talking with her.
My son went through several
My son went through several relationships back and forth between the same girlfriends. He split up with girlfriend 1 . Girlfriend 2 was dropped when girlfriend 1 needed his support to get through her uncle's death and funeral. Then a few months later girlfriend 2 was back in the picture when she was so ill and in the hospital and of course he thought feelings between them were rekindled. That lasted a few months while she and her children moved in. It was like musical chairs with these 2 females. Back and forth several times. Suddenly there was a 3rd female in his life. That is the one he married. Some men just have a save complex.and there are some females that play the save me game. Just something to consider.'you are the one who knows the players in your situation.
Pluto is no longer a planet.
Pluto is no longer a planet. Just sayin........
I wish someone had told me
I wish someone had told me before I moved here.
I think the bigger issue here
I think the bigger issue here is the fact that the OP's DH kept the emails a secret. If it's all innocent, he would have let her know about them iimmediately. But he didn't. So he must know that what he's doing is wrong. He seems to have a lack of boundaries with the ex. She shouldn't feel that comfortable with her ex husband that she can come boo hooing to him, regardless of the reason. I get that cancer is scary, but it's completely inappropriate for her to be reaching out to her remarried ex for emotional support in that manner. She needs to reach out to her family, her girlfriends, etc. Any decent person would realize that the current wife might not appreciate the ex doing that. I'm not trying to sound insensitive, but part of divorce is not being able to get emotional support from that person anymore. The only things they should be discussing are issues that pertain to the child. You cannot use being exes or sharing a child as an excuse to get that kind of support from an ex. The relationship just shouldn't be that close anymore. My. DH's ex is remarried so I know she wouldn't do that to my DH, but even if she was single, I'd expect her to go to her parents, her brother and her friends in that situation, and not think of MY husband as that kind of person in her life anymore.
She can die from cancer
She can die from cancer within 5 years or she can be hit by a bus tomorrow - we dont know, that is life and its no garanteed. Your intuition also doesnt trump the doctors reports. Sorry to be so blunt that those are the facts.
I this the ex and your DH needs to realise that a family meeting includes you - you are part of the family as you are SP to their kid. It is ludicrous to exclude you from that meeting. It is also rude and unrealstic. I dont feel comfortable for you that the ex is leaning on DH for emotional support - they are divorced. Your DH needs to figure out who is his wife in this situation. If those emails were so innocent then he would have discussed them with you - Ex is making DH lie to you or keep things from you and this is not right.
Boundaries need to be drawn and established here. DH's responsibility is to you and his daughter. Ex is way down in the queue.
I know this will sound
I know this will sound cynical and maybe harsh because it's relating to a post about cancer, but the crazy obsessive BM I deal with would completely use something like this to open up emotional lines of communication with my DH. I know she would. Your partner's support for her, in my view, should be limited to "how can I help/support with arrangements for childcare" IF - and it is an if, this ends up going the treatment route.
Because my DH and BM have had such an emotional circus of a relationship, I sometimes forget how fucked up it is, and it helps if I project the situation on to someone else or my own relationships:
So, I have an ex husband. He has a new partner. If he was sick, my support would begin and end with arrangements for our daughter. He has his partner, friends and family for emotional support. Apart from anything else, it would likely upset his new partner if I tried to offer any emotional support. I wouldn't want to do that, and he wouldn't want or expect support from me anyway. It's good for him and for our bio-daughter that he is happy and supported by his new partner. Unfortunately a lot of the BMs I see spoken about on here will use anything to try and keep an emotional relationship going, so it has to be up to the DH/partner to set boundaries. How you deal with a DH who doesn't get that though, I'm not sure and have yet to work out an answer to unfortunately.
THIS. dh's ex just YESTERDAY
THIS. dh's ex just YESTERDAY tried this because she was in a wreck and totaled her car. once dh found out if ss was ok and did ask if she was (answers were yes) he hung up. she was crying and reaching out to him emotionally. it sucks, but firm boundaries are needed with these women. bm is alone for the first time in her life (the man she left my dh for left her for another woman) and I look for a lot more of this to come. I gotta get dh to quit answering her calls again...
Reading his emails, in and of
Reading his emails, in and of itself, isn't the problem. But you're now sliding down a slippery slope of mistrust - you don't trust him to tell you things, and he no longer trusts you to handle what he tells you. You've got a window, an opportunity here, to try to rebuild that trust. Don't hide the fact that you know or that you read his emails. Talk to him. (Not yell - he'll just shut down - but talk.) You know why he hid it from you, but ask anyway. Tell him that hiding things from you is much, much worse than disagreeing with you.
Yeah, I get that you don't want him to support her. *shrug* You're not alone, a lot of women feel the same way (as you see from responses). So what? He wants to. Have you asked him why that's important to him? And think of this for a second - why is what YOU want more important than what HE wants? Because other women on some random web site would want the same thing? Because it's "not right"? You guys want sort of opposite things - he wants to talk to her about her health, you don't want him to talk to her about her health. You can't both get what you want on that score, and if you (either of you) try to force it then no one is going to be happy and you're going to start a tiny little crack in your marriage. That is, in fact, what's happening right now.
You have to talk to him and figure out TOGETHER something that BOTH of you can live with. Talk about the "why"s - why it's important to him to talk to her, why you hate it so much. Figure out if there's any way at all that you can move forward as a team. Could you talk to her together? What if you reached out to her one on one? I'm just throwing ideas out there - but you and your DH need to have that discussion.