I may need my head examined
So I told DH to leave and prepared divorce papers. Over the past month he has been working on me to take him back. I was pretty resolute that it wasn't going to happen after my birthday fiasco, but he and SD17 actually ended up coming through for me so I got over it. Its been tougher than I thought, not because I need him. I can take care of DD3 and myself on my own and I own my house, but I do miss him - we had some really great times. DD3 has also been asking for him and her "brother and sister" quite a bit so I feel like I owe it to her to try. I talked to a marraige counsler and she told me that at this point, I should make a list of anything I want and present it to him. No matter how selfish I feel it is, if I am at this point, see if he can agree so that we can get things back on track. Here is my list:
1. I start to come first, meaning we spend more alone time and quality time together. No working weekends only when the skids aren't here so that I feel like a babysitter, not a wife.
2. I don't care if you are short on money - contributions to our household comes before spousal support and child support payments (I have been pretty much carrying us for the past year while he catches up on back support).
3. BM's nephew is not coming with the skids for visitation for at least the next six months while we pull our relationship back together. If DH wants to play father figure, he can go to their town and do something with the nephew. Frankly, I am hoping that this will piss off BM enough (since she won't get a break from this kid) that she won't let us have him again after the six months are up, but even if she does, he is coming over a MAXIMIMUM of 1 weekend a month. I am not playing babysitter for BM anymore and I am totally sick of this kid.
4. No more making ANY financial or other agreements with the kids or BM without discussing it with me first. He is pretty good about this, but like everyone, he will tell his kids that he'll pay for something that he doesn't have the money for if he isn't contributing to our house.
5. No talking (ie. fighting) with BM in person or on the phone. All communication is to be done through email.
6. He needs to attend weekly marriage counseling with me.
7. I packed up all his photos, all photos of us, his kick knacks, books, etc. They are staying packed (he can bring his clothes back only) until we've gone six months with all rules fully enforced and we are back in a good place.
What do you think? I gave this list to DH and he agreed to all the term. I told him that he needs to really think about this and fully commit or don't because I am NOT backing down. He said okay and that he really wants to work things out. Sigh - throwing my hat back into this crazy ring for a while I guess.
I forgot one: 8. The judge
I forgot one:
8. The judge ruled that DH picks up the kids on Friday night and BM gets them from our house on Sunday night. DH frequently works out of town (like 2 or 3 hours away) and the kids live another hour from us. I was picking them up most weekends previously and doing most of the dropping off too, until I came to my senses. I told DH I will NEVER pick them up again. That is his job. If he can't do it, the judge said that he will have to miss that weekend. BM got all excited and asked if he misses weekends does he have to pay more support. The judge said no, so I feel pretty certain that BM will get them here if DH can't. Don't really care either way. I just know that I'AM not doing it anymore.
Ahhhh....feels good to set some rules.
Good luck with this I have
Good luck with this
I have followed some of your posts, although only been a member for a short time (couple of months or so) and think you have done the right thing for you and DD.
May I ask one thing? Is DH moving back in?
I know a SM who moved out of the family home, was considering divorce but after some couples counselling decided to try again and began to date her DH, all the while living seperately. Maybe this might be a good avenue, as its an incentive for DH to REALLY commit to your requests before he gets his legs under your table? I would consider it, also because it provides a great opportunity for actually do some good old fashion dating. To get some romance back, professionals say the getting ready while not seeing one another before your date and the looking forward is all good for relationships and it allows you to get some fun back into things. As a side note, it will allow you to ease DH back in to your home which you share with DD, so if it doesnt work out (you can see if he is going to go through with your requests and LONG term too - not crack under the first signs of pressure) then at least she doesnt see him moving in and then out again.
Just my bit of advice.
Thats good advice - I think
Thats good advice - I think I'll spend some time thinking about this. I had originally thought that we would live apart for a minimum of six months just like you suggested to see if things were really going to work out. However, he is going to be over all the time, I am sure and I thought that might be even more confusing for DD3 - to see him around but not really. I thought if he came back in one more time, see if things work out and if they don't, thats it might be the right way to go here. Sigh - life seems very complicated sometimes!
I hope it works out However,
I hope it works out
However, my advice and caution is to proceed carefully when it comes to the CS. While DH should be financially contributing to your household first, the courts don't see it that way.
Another thing DH might want to check out is joining a fathers rights group in CA, or start one. He can, along with other dads, work to increase the rights of all good, loving dads in CA who are no longer with their kids' moms. That also would include working to reform the CA CS system and guidelines, so CS can not only help provide for them when they're with mom, but also help to ensure they have a good quality of life when they're with Dad too.
I know that the courts don't
I know that the courts don't see it that way, but DH and I have totally separate property and money. No matter where he lives, he is going to need to pay rent and that will need to come first to ensure he has a roof over his head. I recently helped him get his support cut in half and one of his two kids will be 18 in 6 months so he shouldn't have the problems that he did in the past making support payments. I am just reiterating for him that from now on, his monthly household contribution comes before his support payments and any extras he wants to give the kids. I am not subsidizing his lazy ex. If he gets sideways with the courts because he isn't brining in enough jobs, thats his problem.
Redsonya, I like your list
Redsonya, I like your list and I wish you and your family the very best. I have lived apart from my dh for nearly 5 years and we are considering a reconciliation.
I have a similar list but it pertains to his ADULT children and so far he has also agreed to everything. He knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I CAN and I WILL leave again. He knows I am giving up a peaceful home where I come first ALL the time (I'm the only one here, lol) and taking a chance.
While I don't want him to feel like he is living under the threat of me leaving and heading straight for the meanest divorce lawyer I can find...if that's what it takes for me to be treated like his WIFE and not as an afterthought...so be it.
I think everything on your list is entirely reasonable. You go girl!!
Thank you!!! I agree, my
Thank you!!! I agree, my number one priority right now is to have a peaceful house and anyone who causes me stress is out. The ex-wife and the nephew drive me crazy so they are history.
My one concern right now is that the courts ordered DH to pick up the kids every Friday on his weekends. I refuse to be part of it anymore so this will be BM's chance to try to have these "private conversations" with DH when he knocks on the door. I am trying not to be pessimistic, but I told him that if he makes even one promise to her without discussing it with me, he is out of here. I am sure she will also take this chance to guilt him into taking the nephew for visitation so she can spend the weekend humping whoever is currently around. I swear if he does that, the four of them are getting a hotel room for the weekend. I am NOT budging on this.