I am thinking of leaving my husband
I just don’t think I can take being a second-class citizen anymore. (Oh, wait...he has three kids, so I am technically a fourth-class citizen.)
My husband and I were watching a funny movie together and talking last night when SS12 came in the room and asked if he could go upstairs and play on the Xbox (it is in a playroom upstairs). My husband went upstairs to sign him on.
And then he just never came back.
I sat there like a fool watching the movie and waited for him to return for about 20 minutes (I thought he was using the upstairs bathroom) before I finally realized that he was playing with his kid and wasn’t coming back.
So I went downstairs to bed and cried for about an hour, until it was SS’s bedtime and my husband came to bed.
I have been married for less than a year. I am currently being treated for major depression, so it is possible that I am overreacting and making a big deal out of nothing. I am feeling very emotional right now because of my depression, and I cry pretty much every day, sometimes for no apparent reason.
Is this my illness making me feel this way, or was that really an incredibly rude, thoughtless thing to do? Should I be as hurt as I am by this?
His kids only live with us half the time, but when they are here I feel like I am invisible. I really think I could be replaced with a cook/maid, and no one would notice the difference.
I don’t know if I can live like this for the next six years, until his youngest goes away to college. It just hurts so much.
Thank you for "listening" to me. I don't know anyone in real life who lives the way I do, and I thank God this website and all of you exist.
Do you talk to him and
Do you talk to him and explain to him how these things make you feel? What's his reaction?
Ending your marriage is a HUGE step and not one to take likely; especially if you are in the midst of dealing with depression as well.
Yes, I told him when he
Yes, I told him when he finally came down to bed that I was really hurt by what he did, and he said something like, "You're hurt because I spent some quality time with my son?"
No, asshole. I'm hurt because you didn't even have the common courtesy to tell me you weren't coming back and that I shouldn't sit there and wait for you.
Now, if he had said something
Now, if he had said something like that I wouldn't even be upset. It's fine to do something special with his kid; he's only here half the week.
It was the feeling that I can be immediately dismissed, without a word, when he wants to do something with his kid that hurts so much. He made me feel that I am expendable, and not worthy of a second thought.
I literally teared up when I
I literally teared up when I was reading your post because I can relate. My SD5 is with us every other week and I feel like this ALL THE TIME when she is here. Like I am invisible.. expendible.. our plans do not matter.. any time that can be spent with SD will be spent with SD.. time with me is not important..
It is NOT ok that your DH is treating you like this. My DH and I just "celebrated" our first wedding anniversary so we are basically newlyweds as well. This is definitely not how I pictured my life or my marriage.
Yep me also! I take second if
Yep me also! I take second if we have plans sd has the power to throw them out the window. We as a family were getting ready to go tto CHURCH she called demanding to be pivked up from a slumber party and refused to go to church so I I went alone with my kids. I was really sad. Thought this is my new life 50 percent of the time my spouse is goiing to diss me for a child. Its just the way it. Is
EXACTLY!!! These fucking men
EXACTLY!!! These fucking men ALWAYS turn shit around and make it look like we are overreacting or the bad guy and they also have a way of twisting the REAL issue into something that it is NOT!
Of course you don't care if he spends time with his kid...the ISSUE is that he DIDN'T have enough common sense and common courtesy to TELL or ASK you if this was ok or if you could pause the movie for a few minutes or SOMETHING along the lines of him letting you know what was going on and not leaving you in the lurch.
He was incredibly rude and disrespecyful to you and your "us" time.!!!
Pretty callous of him, I
Pretty callous of him, I think. By him not at least, as CheriWilson said, letting you know he was staying upstairs, that to me says "I don't really respect you that much" Perhaps he grew up in a home that operated much the same way, but still, there is no reason to be so ignorant. Do you guys have special activities you enjoy together? I think you should give it some time and try to see if a pattern occurs wherein he shoves you aside for his son. Time will tell all. Hang in there!
so sorry to hear what your
so sorry to hear what your going through, i had a similiar problem but my husband was like that with my SD. I think your right in feeling left out, if i was you i would get mad not sad. You are his wife, the person he goes to bed with, not his kids, it is you! I had a talk with my husband and i told him that he needed to put me first, then the kids(the kids talking about my sk and my daughter) even though my daughter means the world to me, if i want her happy I NEED TO BE HAPPY! And ever since with live by this we have been more close than ever. Even today we have our trouble with sd and he stands by my side! You need to sit down and talk to your husbnad about your feelings. if he loves you and he is willing to keep the vows he made when he married you, he must put you first before anyone else.
THIS EXACTLY!!! ^^^ My BF
THIS EXACTLY!!! ^^^
My BF puts me and us FIRST above skid and above anyone! The relationship and your partner comes first. Period!
And I agree, if YOU/HIM aren't happy and your relationship is a mess then as they say "shit rolls down hill" then ALL areas of your life especially and including the kids happiness etc will be affected by it!
If Momma ain't happy... ain't NOBODY happy!!! Words to live by men!!!
im hispanic..my DH says "lo
im hispanic..my DH says "lo que la reyna pida" which mean..whatever the queen asks for"...thats how it rolls. btw.."your kid makes me want to overdose of birth control" so funny! thanks for the laugh
Lo sabes!
Lo sabes!
im hispanic..my DH says "lo
im hispanic..my DH says "lo que la reyna pida" which mean..whatever the queen asks for"...thats how it rolls. btw.."your kid makes me want to overdose of birth control" so funny! thanks for the laugh
I'm sorry honey. Even if he
I'm sorry honey. Even if he had called down the stairs and said he was foregoing the movie to play a game with kiddo, would that have helped your mood any?
Honestly, I probably would
Honestly, I probably would have still felt slightly annoyed, but definitely not upset like this.
His kids are only here half the time, and I do want him to have good relationships with them and spend time with them.
But by letting me know (or making a pretense of asking if it was okay)he wasn't coming back, I wouldn't have felt as though I was being summarily dismissed.
Got ya. He really should've
Got ya. He really should've thought of your feelings and said something to you instead of just ignoring you like that.
I suspect that your thoughts
I suspect that your thoughts of leaving your husband over this is the depression talking. It is a horrible illness, and I hope you can find some relief. But I do agree that this is a subject for discussion between you and your DH. He was rude to just leave you sitting there. He needs to know how that made you feel. Look for patterns in his behavior-are you invisible when the skid is around? Are you included in decisionmaking? Things like that. I hope this is just a one-off instance.
My DH is horrible at balancing his interaction with me and with his kids. He tries, he really does, but we have to revisit the issue all the damn time. He seriously just doesn't "get it."
I suffered major clinical
I suffered major clinical depression towards the end of my first marriage, and it was BECAUSE of the way my exH treated me. It is easy to become depressed when you feel you aren't valued at all as a person in your own right.
^^This was my issue as well.
^^This was my issue as well. I was treated for post partum depression that carried over through the final years of my marriage due to the neglect I was experiencing from the husband at the time.
My instincts are telling me
My instincts are telling me that you are right about this being the depression talking. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for pointing that out!
I am not unhappy in my marriage as a whole, when I think about it rationally (which is really hard when your thinking is distorted by depression).
My huband does do nice things with me when his kids aren't around, and he does invite me to participate in a lot (probably most) of the stuff he does with them. He shows me affection in front of them and tells them how much I mean to him.
I know that he loves me very much. But you're right, this balancing-the-new-wife-with-my-kids business is precarious, and most guys really seem to suck at it.
Add to that the fact that most men are clueless about relationships in general (sorry to any male STers reading this), and we really need a website like this.
I think the treatment in the
I think the treatment in the marriage is probably FUELING the depression. I had severe depression toward the end of my first marriage, which was alleviated by separating from the exH. He was constantly slightly angry, and impossible to please. What a relief to get out of that situation!
I have depression. It is
I have depression. It is under control, and I do take meds. But there have been times when it has been really severe and everything looks hopeless. As AnaR said - this whole stepfamily thing is so difficult on the best of days. Having depression can make it seem un-doable. And I have wanted to run away and forget this whole thing.
Be nice to yourself. Take care of you and take lots of deep breaths.
Your husband was rude, but I do think if you weren't depressed you would have just been annoyed. I'm not excusing it at all - I just know that when I am depressed, everything is magnified. Rudeness is unforgivable. An oversight is proof that he doesn't love me. And when the fog clears, I realize that it wasn't as bad as I thought.
I've been in the same boat
I've been in the same boat that I feel like I'm invisible when the SKids are here, and I've voiced that to my DH. He also tends to acknowledge my bio kids less when the Skids are here. It's a constant reminder - he doesn't seem to understand that just because they're here doesn't mean you can drop everything else. I don't care if they're here one day a month or every day, everyone in this house is to be treated with the same importance. But my DH usually just goes along with whatever I say after I explain the reasoning to him.
Did the depression develop
Did the depression develop before or after becoming a stepmom?
It developed after becoming a
It developed after becoming a stepmom.
Just a coincidence, I'm sure.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but Newsflash............this will NEVER GO AWAY, not even after his kids are 18....I'm living it I know. It only gets worse. My SS's are 20 and 21 and they come over every day and hang out, work on their cars, swim, or whatever. Step parents always come after Skids.