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Husband jokes with Bm. Is that flirting?

SweetMom's picture

Submitted by SweetMom on Thu, 10/27/2016 - 5:58pm

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Am I wrong for getting upset at my husband joking with his ex wife? I been with dh for 6 years and after the first year of the Bm coming in my home getting teary eyed with him and using kid to try to tear us apart, I set boundaries and told him she isn't allowed in my home or property ever. His daughter was in some play and he went,. I refused to go because I simply didn't want to run into Bm and everyone thing her coming back over would be ok. He had to talk to her about her part in insurance on their daughters braces. His is primary and Bm is secondary. He told me she told him she was gonna try to keep this job she had because she's making some great money. He said back to her that maybe he should have got her for alimony. After he told me that I said wtf! He said he was joking with her. I haven't talked to him and been kinda rude. To me that's flirting and he should t even joke with the bitch. No wonder why she and the kid act the way they do. Flirting makes them both think he's interested. Am I wrong ?

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Thu, 10/27/2016 - 6:23pm

That wasn't flirting, it was just a joke. If he were flirting with her, he would have been tight lipped about the whole thing. Men aren't in the habit of letting their wives know they have their eyes on another woman.LOLOL

If they have moved to place where they can talk and joke like normal people, then that's a good thing.

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Thu, 10/27/2016 - 7:58pm

Flirting would be replying " well now you're earning the if bucks it makes you even more attractive" or some other compliment. Saying that he wants a share of her money and reinforcing the fact that they are divorced (alimony) is not flirting. If you cannot handle hearing what they talk about then ask him not to tell you unless something directly affects you.

notasm3's picture

Submitted by notasm3 on Thu, 10/27/2016 - 9:13pm

No need to care if it is "flirting" or not. It is something that makes you uncomfortable. You and your DH need to discuss that. There's no right or wrong. I do not want to do things that hurt my DH even if I think he should not be hurt.

Feelings are feelings - a truly caring spouse does not want to do things that hurt their partner. Getting into semantics about "that shouldn't bother you" is not valid. We all have "feelings" based on previous life experiences (hurts).

I've known people that had very close caring relationships with their exes - with their current partner's approval (or at least indifference). That does not mean that is right for everyone else.

I have an ex who has stalked me and professed undying love (despite being married to someone else) for decades. I admit that I do not want my DH to have any relationship with BM - based in part on my own experience with an ex who would love to me to feed him ego kibbles.

yolo222's picture

Submitted by yolo222 on Thu, 10/27/2016 - 9:52pm

If this bothers you there is no need for your hubby to continue to joke like this with BM It's really not necessary. Your feelings are valid. He can still have a working relationship with the BM without joking. If it hurts u he should stop it. It's a small thing. Shouldn't be a big deal for him to just stop.

Hennypenny's picture

Submitted by Hennypenny on Fri, 10/28/2016 - 12:51am

Being able to have a civil conversation regarding the kids and even being able to toss in a joke or two is a good thing. He wasn't flirting, and not all conversations with exes need to be cold and confrontational. He didn't do anything wrong- you just need to confront your jealousy over DH and his ex sharing a lighthearted moment. You don't have to like it, but don't give him the cold shoulder over it.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Fri, 10/28/2016 - 5:21pm

Honestly, I think you should let this one go. He was "threatening" to take money from her, not leering at her. He was open with you about it. He probably thought you would be enthusiastic and join in the blowing off steam, "yeah, let's get some cash from her!"

Really, you won't want to hear this, but I recommend you go to your dh and tell him you're sorry. You can at the same time explain how tense the whole situation makes you and that's why you blew. But upon reflection you realized you misfired this time. You can even say, "There are so many things about this situation I could have a meltdown over -- this wasn't really one of them!"

I think it would be the best way to both resolve your own feelings over it as well as his. He is probably feeling a bit attacked and defensive. If you apologize now, he will soften up toward you and be much more likely to avoid things that really do matter to you. If you make this hell for him, at some point he will start thinking "what does it matter if I do or don't do xyz, I will catch hell anyway."

BTW, "I'm gonna have your wages garnisheed in my favor" isn't a pickup line anywhere on earth.