Sammi, I think I'm pretty much on a similar trajectory to you. Sometimes disengagement is great; others not so much.

My SO's son has been out of the picture for years - he has cut off the entire family and has no contact with anyone, even BM. In a way, that makes me saddest because I think I understand how he got to that place and why I have sympathy for him. (Primarily because when SD was diagnosed with an illness when young, she became the "princess" and primary focus of her parents.) Before SS disappeared, I had a somewhat good relationship with him. I certainly never felt any hostility from him and if things had been different, I think we may have even developed a bit of a friendship.

His adult daughter, however, is another story. I am disengaged for the most part did it silently but steadily. I encourage my SO to spend time with her whenever he wants, as I have for more than a decade. I prefer not to see her at all except once in awhile for "special" occasions (holidays, his birthdays, etc.) and I go along with it. I will never have an independent one-on-one relationship with her and I'm fine with that now. I still wish it were different and I wish she were a different kind of person. That won't ever happen so I have let go and faced reality.

My SO is now in a position here he has two adult women that he has to sometimes juggle. Not my problem. I can see where SD does like to take advantage of times when I am not available to see her dad. On the one hand, it's great since I don't care to see her anyway and it's not taking away any of the time I would spend with SO.

On the other hand, it's like my SO has this "secret" life that I am not a part of - and that doesn't feel so good. Especially since my family and friends have always welcomed him with open arms and everyone gets along great. My life is an open book for him, but his life has chapters (SD) that will always be closed to me.

That's the conundrum of disengagement - you get what you want, which is nothing. But sometimes nothing speaks volumes in other ways.

I suppose that while we have these issues with skids, there are other people who have similar problems with other family members. I know plenty of people who can't stand their in-laws and have the same challenges.

I did want to add another thing that concerns me, and that is as my SO lives his "secret" life with his DD it does create a bit of a chasm in our lives together. And that is where some of my concern lie. Since I'm not there, I have no idea what kind of conversations or manipulations the SD may be working on. I do notice that when he comes back from visiting her, he tends to keep to himself and is somewhat withdrawn for awhile. He probably has things about her he wished he could talk about with me, but he can't bring it up - so he has to deal with it internally. That does affect our overall emotional intimacy, I think.

I agree, Sometimes disengagement is great; others not so much.

DH is fairly secretive about SD now and I find that weird because he is a "tell-all" kind of guy which is what caused this whole mess in the first place. He involved SD in our marriage.

Of course she wanted to "be involved" and "help" - this gave her the perfect opportunity to slander my character and turn DH against me. She manipulated a tough time we were having into a self - serving - let's get rid of SM now.

I don't miss the family time with the steps as i always found it stressful. Life is better with no contact.

Not good. Not because I care about the skid but I can see what's coming in the future. A grown skid, lurking in the darkest corner of our home, locked in his room as a stinking starving sloth of a soulless human being who just plays on xbox 24/7. Living with us forever because Disney dad has no expectation and expects nothing from him. So that is what skid will forever do...nothing.

And I won't be able to live with that and either skid or I will be gone. My guess is it'll be me.

It's taken me, I think, a year and a half of getting to where I am now, after trying so hard. Too hard. And being burned. You know what I mean.

What I did not disengage from, mainly:
* Keeping shared living spaces cleaned up (i.e. personal items not left out)
* Keeping yard picked up (SD10 likes to "garden" and she has one more chance to use the gardening tools; she leaves them out one more time and they will be locked up - and I am the one on this).
* Properly using furniture (it's not gym equipment)
* Don't slam doors.
* No dirty dishes in bedrooms.
* If you throw trash away and you miss the container, pick it up and properly dispose of it.
* If you make a mess in the kitchen, and I am the only one home, I will make you clean it up.
* You will not be rude or disrespectful to me or others.

Disengagement:
* Don't touch SDs dishes
* Don't do SDs laundry unless it's an exceptional circumstance like before traveling
* Never clean SDs bathroom
* I throw away or donate person items left in shared living areas for 24 hours or more.
* Shoes left in front of front door get thrown outside, off the deck.
* I don't cook anything special for SDs only. One meal for all. If they don't like it, get your own food.
* I don't buy anything for SDs; it will always backfire. This includes extracurricular activities, camps, etc., and clothing. I'll help them pick stuff out but DP purchases.
* I can now say easily, "Ask your dad."

Basically I am not so involved and DP has had to pick up major slack. And after a year of being in the house, he's getting it. He's getting tired of cleaning up after them, the backtalk, and is starting to realize they lie to him. He's tired of spending on items they should already have (and have brought to BMs or damaged, or lost). He's tired of SD12 have a filthy room.

BUT has he really done anything?
Yes and No.
* He's come down on SD12's attitude very well recently. The next step is ramifications for repeat behavior so we'll see if that happens. Ramifications is a difficult concept for him.
* He still can't demand that they clean up after themselves and does it himself much of the time.
* SD10 will help prep and cook dinner and set the table on her own with me. He's told SD12 her job will be to clean up the table, which he's enforced a couple times now.
* He would like SD12 to get a little job here and there but she refuses, and he hasn't followed through - she also wants a bank account which he hasn't done either.

So basically, DP is better, by far, than early on. But I have to remain disengaged as he still tries SO HARD to make sure they are ALWAYS HAPPY.

And most recently I've been refusing to give my opinion on anything to do with SDs because that usually backfires on me with him taking SDs side or going ahead and buying something expensive for them even though I have said, no way!

It's obviously more nuanced than the above, but that's a good outline. I have a pretty good relationship with both SDs and they do not ever talk back to me or dare to tell me "no" to doing something - I respect them if they respect me and they get that. I've been pretty darned happy with it!

Disengagement is working beautifully (at this time - always subject to change). But my SS is not a minor.

I have seen SS30 twice in the past 3 years. I've now met his GF and the baby - for about 15 minutes. I am capable of being pleasant and cordial during these times. I just don't give a shit if SS drops dead or just ceases to exist. He's really just meaningless in my life.

I really don't hate SS even though I think he's a worthless POS. There are other worthless people in this world - and I don't waste time hating them either.

I am very lucky that my DH does respect me and he truly cares for me and my welfare very much. He doesn't want me to be unhappy. He's asked me to do things with/for SS and has been pouty a couple of times when I said no - but he's never really pressured me to do stuff that I find repugnant.

Disengagement made things better for me but my H hated it. Regardless of how clear I was with what I would and would not do for her, H continued be confused by the boundaries I put in place. He used it as an excuse to live separate lives, to the point he began to make financial and life changing decisions without discussing it with me.

After his kid screwed us financially last November/December I told him she had shit on me for the final time. I was done. I don't want to hear about her. I don't want to speak to her. I don't want anything from her. When she comes to visit, I will go to the mainland so I don't have to be around her.

He hates that I feel this way about her and it has had a negative impact on our relationship. For me, it spelled out the inevitable fact he will always put her wants above our marriage. For him, he resents the fact I want nothing to do with his offspring. When he speaks of her I barely respond and usually change the subject and I can tell the resentment is growing.

For me, I think it's going as good as it can without putting a lot of thought and energy into it.

My DH gets it, I think, but occasionally forgets and tries to coax me into activities, dinner out with SK - which is a nightmare in itself. My in-laws don't like it at all. To them, I should be bonus mom to snowflake. Care and do things for SK. Be the glorified babysitter during her summer break visit and all that jazz. They have this funny method of trying to break my will, my disengagement. It usually starts a couple weeks before visitation starts. They make overly forced attempts to wine and dine me, giving them a chance to talk-up how lovely our family is with SK in it. I shut them down - every invite. At this point they're reaching. SK will be here in 2 weeks.

I usually make plans or take my little ones to the park when SK is at our house. I do nothing for her, say nothing to her other than "Oh yeah?" when she insists I acknowledge what she's saying. She's an annoying, lazy, bottom-less pit, chatty cathy if her butt isn't kept busy. She keeps her dad hopping, like it should be...

Examples from this past weekend:

I bought a gorgeous new dining table at an estate sale. SD12 freaked out at DP apparently on the way to our home, because she liked our older table (Ikea table that is now being used as our front deck dining table) and because she hadn't been consulted. DP told me about that when he got home with SDs (he had to pull the car over to get her to stop her ranting) and I guess she came in, told DP she hated the new table after glancing at it and stomped to her room. I smiled at DP and said, "You know what? I could give a sh!t what SD12 thinks." And NO DP, the Ikea table is NOT ending up in SDs bedroom because "SD12 could give a flying F about any of her belongings so why would I give her a TABLE?! It's going onto the deck."

...SD12 comes upstairs later and asks me why I bought a new table. "Because I wanted a better table - and I found one, I love it." She asks what about matching chairs? "I will find them eventually." End of conversation. (note that while we were eating dinner at said new table she admits, very quietly, that she likes the new table. HA! Because chicky-poo, it's gorgeous!) Do not make open ended statements or questions back to SDs. They don't get a choice in furniture.

SD10 comes upstairs this morning wearing the exact same clothes, down to her socks, that she wore the entire previous day, which included playing in the dirt. I say NOTHING.

DP texts me that he bought a new bus pass for SD12. I had no idea she lost ANOTHER pass. I ignore the statement and address another question he had for me. A lost pass is not my concern if I have no say in it.

For me it's a steady reminder to step back and let DH step up. I had been doing everything to prepare for skid/gskid visits; such as shopping and cleaning so everything would be nice for them. Then when they got here I would entertain sdil and gskids so that DH and SS could visit. It became very apparent to me how much I was being used and unappreciated when we celebrated youngest gs's bday at our house. Sdil, gskids and ss all thanked DH for the cake, the presents, how much HE had done and DH just soaked it all up not acknowledging me at all. I of course could have spoken up but know it wouldn't have made any difference. Now, DH is in charge of making sure things are clean, getting gskids snacks, entertaining them...etc.

Last time they were here I sat down with a plate of food while chaos reigned. gskid then wanted what I was eating and I almost got up to fix him a plate, instead I said, "go ask grandpa."

My H hates my disengagement. I love it.

It all came to a head recently as he wants me to step in and do what her BM isn't doing. We've discussed this time and time again and he can't accept it. He wants me to be more involved and invested in raising her, but I just can't do it. He's tried to force the issue a couple of times in as many months. Now he wants to talk about it again. *eye roll* I'm just going to confirm my disengagement.

I am slowly disengaging, its a process and not something that occurs fully overnight. I like many others here, initially thought the adult SKids and I would be friends and bent over backwards to please them. It soon became apparent that no matter what I did, they were never going to be my friend. I will go into more detail on another thread sometime re the issues I faced, but they are pretty common to a lot of us here, particularly the relationship with the adult SD who is now 26.

About a year ago, I found out about the concept of disengaging from this site and I am steadily doing just that.

I no longer invite them to dinner, if they are coming round, they invite themselves via DH at times, when they do I usually make myself scarce, work later, visit a friend, catch a movie with a friend, anything so I don't have to be around them in our home for too long. Previously I would have been there, cooking up a storm, doing the dishes after they've eaten as they don't do them, they just continue sitting at the dining table, talking or playing games, they also never said thanks that was lovely, nothing !

When I first moved in with my DH all 3 adult SKids were living at home, I cooked every night. When the 2 older ones moved out I had them round for dinner nearly every Sunday and always on birthdays. Never once have they done the dishes, said thank you...nothing !

Now when DH mentions it's one of the SKids birthdays, I reply aha, nothing more. And I just don't invite them to dinner period anymore.

I never told my DH husband I was disengaging but I am sure he has worked it out .