I have a hard time adjusting to my step kids and i only have them every other weeknd. I think about him leaving on a daily basis when they are over. The life i had before him the life i thought i would have with him and the life i have are totally different. You have her full time now ? that would be hard on me tooo for sure. Its a tough choice i feel the same way, the only thing we can do is leave or wait till they grow up. I cry all the time knowing they will be there when i get home from work ( today starts our weekend ) 

I had many difficulties, too.  One thing my counselor said 40+ years ago was, "There"s fantasy and there"s reality".  Now that I look back, I cant remember why that helped me but with assertiveness, more engagement and more one-on-one time with DH, I was able to accept my reality more.  Thinking of you and hoping for your best outcome.

I feel the same way.  SD 15 is with us every other week.  When I used to work nights and weekends, I didn't like it but at least I was hardly home.  Then I had my son 17 months ago and became a SAHM and really struggled because I was suddenly home all the time when she was around, but at least she was a busy kid.   Now Covid hit and she does virtual school literally 12 hours a week.  Her sports stuff is way less and she can't really see friends except outside which will end soon with the weather getting cold.  I cannot believe it has come to this.  She's not a bad kid but everything she does annoys me.  The first couple years my husband and I were together, things felt tolerable with the kids and BM.  I never in a million years thought things could get worse if they started out ok.  Now I'm 7 years in.  Luckily SS 19 and SD 20 have launched.  I have to make it through the next 3 years somehow.  I totally feel you.  

You're depressed because none of the adults with responsibility in this situation (i.e. your DH and BM) have actually made any effort to settle all of this.

Of course you feel off balance. You can't make plans for anything because you don't even know what tomorrow will bring, much less next week, month, or year.

If you don't want leaving to be an option, you HAVE to get a backbone with your DH and force him to sh*t or get off the pot. If SD is going to live with you all because that's what she needs, then YOU AND HIM need to discuss what that looks like. YOU AND HIM have to discuss rules, responsibilities, and what you're comfortable with.

YOU aren't the one who should do all the adjusting. If he wants things his way, then he needs to be single. He HAS to consider your feelings, or he needs to not be married. I know you don't want to hear that leaving is the only option, but unless he understands and AGREES that your opinion and feelings are equally valuable to his, you won't have much choice other than to figure out how to deal with the situation or leave.

You aren't a doormat in this. You have a voice. Why are you afraid to use it? Are you afraid he'll leave? Good riddance if he does! This would be the STUPIDEST thing to leave over. He'd literally be leaving because he couldn't take into consideration the feelings and opinions of his spouse.

Let that sink in. Marinate in that. If you speak up and he leaves, it's because HE DOESN'T GIVE A SH*T ABOUT WHAT YOU SAY OR THINK. At that point, him leaving isn't a bad thing.

So speak up. Make HIS life uncomfortable. Put HIM to the task of uneffing this mess. Don't be so available for him and SD. Don't keep making dinner or cleaning the house or whatever you do. Go on strike, be vocal, and show him what not having you is like. If he's still fine with not having you, then take this as a big, flashing sign that your marriage was in trouble even without SD.

Speak. Up.

Be. Vocal.

You're his EQUAL, not his child. Push back on him.

her or DH says anything about trying to get custody...

Just remember that most of these men who want custody really want their new wife to be the babysitter, nanny and new mommy so they can be free to work and do what they want to do. Be careful about helping him with this if he wants to go for custody.

I have no advice it's all bullshit and stress. I live it daily.

A true equity life partnernship is not about giving up on the life you want, it is about two partners working together to make the life that each of them want, as a team.

If your SO is not keeping his failed family and the progeny of that failed coupling from adversely impacting your life, put your foot up his ass, give him clarity, and let him know it changes immediately or you will find someone who is a positive add to your life rather than someone who is killing your dreams.

Good luck.

Your husband let his teenage daughter move into your home against your wishes?! You have twin toddlers, we're in the middle of a pandemic and he gives you this cherry on top?! Did you agree to her moving in? 
 

Is he there during the day or are you expected to deal with her? Does he take responsibility for his daughter's day to day life and schoolwork or does he expect you to deal with her?

I wouldn't feel any obligation to do anything for her if he's not there and she is living there against your wishes and making life difficult. That might seem harsh but it's his daughter and it sounds like you have your hands full. 

For what it's worth, I can assure you it can be worse.   My two steps (12 & 15) lost their dad to alcoholism in April.   So we've had not only a pandemic to deal with but with 2 steps living with us almost 24/7.    This is NOT what I signed up for.   Fortunately, my wife recognizes the effort I make (although I'm far, far from ideal as a stepfather).    My wife showing respect and appreciation along with knowing that someday these kids will be out the door is what gets me through the day sometimes.   Blended family life can be every bit as difficult as advertised!   Good luck!!!

I had a similar situation a couple months ago specifically because of this new "virtual learning." My husband told me teenage SD would be coming to stay a couple weeks. She lives with her mother in a different state so we don't have a typical every other weekend arrangement. Well, she got here, and I was never told specifically how long "a couple weeks" was. To me, a couple weeks is two weeks. After two weeks and no mention of her going home I asked when she has to be back for school? I was told she doesn't have to go back she's doing online learning. Ok. She ended up staying for 5 weeks which strained my marriage to the point of bringing up divorce. So, I guess my point is, in step families sometimes you just have extra BS that others don't have to deal with. That's the reason more marriages involving children from outside the marriage fail. I think the only thing you can do is decide what's worth it and adjust from there. As hard as it may be, if it gets to be too much, you can always leave. Beieve me though, I don't say that lightly. I think too many people leave relationships too quickly these days.

The reality is you'll never be a priority. The reality is you do not have to choose this life. It is a choice you are making to stay in it. You can leave, and have the ability to leave anytime,  no matter what you've been made to believe. The kids will always come first. You will be used as a doormat, free nanny, free maid, free babysitter, free handyman/woman, atm, some will even pay to be these things. If the child decides one day they do not like you they will choose the child, not you. Do not fool yourself into thinking you matter. Do not fool yourself into thinking you are an equal. You are not.Love yourself. Self love if the most important thing. If you do not love yourself who will? Certainly not those kids. It is conditional love at best. 

Blended marriages where the marital household is the NCP household do not become Skid resident households without  prior discussion with and the express permission of the SP.  Even in situations where the CP kicks the bucket or is otherwise incapacitated, in prison, a drug addict, etc.... When overcome by events the formerly NCP household can and should be the new CP household though entirely under the mandate implemented by the SParent. The SParent SPouse did not choose to spawn the kids and as such it is the former NCP household SParent who has the entire and sole decisioning authority on the rules, behavioral standards, etc... that will stand in their involuntarily full time SKid invaded home.

Beyond those situations the NCP home is visited by Skids and they are not resident in that home beyond the clearly defined visitation schedule.

Period.

IMHO of course.

I actually feel traumatised by the amount of time SKs have been living with us during Covid due to be schooled virtually. I cannot cope for more than 2 or 3 days and I have regularly have two weeks at a time with no prior discussion. Just informed they are coming. DH sees this as their home (I do not, their home is with their mother and IMO they are guests in my house). How can I say something without sounding like a monster. I have to suck it up but I resent them so much and I resent him for not caring how it makes me feel to have them here constantly under my feet. They're not awful kids but they're not endearing at all. It's like having house guests all the time. The house gets filthy and messy. I just try to ignore it and clean once they're gone to obliterate any sense of them. Anyone else do this?!

Why are you the default babysitter? Why can't she learn at her mom's house? I see your other posts now, BM seems to have just dumped her there. Try to disengage and when you need a break, pack up your kids and go to the park or lock them with you in a room, with snacks, a tv for them and a good book for you. I would push the CS issue too, that should make BM come get her, mwahahaha.