I have to take breaks from the site from time to time because it starts making me hate or dislike BM and the SSs more, which causes issues with DH.

Overall, though, I think this site has provided me a more realistic view of what to expect and how to handle it all. I let a lot more things go because I have learned what to disengage from and what to put my foot down about. That has helped TREMENDOUSLY with my relationships with BM and SSs. With BM, it's learning to not ask questions. With SSs, it's realizing that I can only provide so much influence so I just need to step back and not drive the bus. That has helped me learn to not be disgusted by their behavior and allows me to have a positive, if not mostly surface-level, relationship with them.

Sometimes reading stories about how awful other kids or BMs/BDs are over and over again causes us to project on our own lives. We then hate the people in our own life more and more because, while they didn't do it, we have been reading constantly about something they did or we couls see them do. There does come a tipping point where I think everyone has to breathe and take a step back to look at their ACTUAL situation versus take on the emotional burden of others living a similar life.

I find this site helpful because I don't know anyone else, in real life, who has a GUBM and a half-alienated skid. I find if I talk to my friends, their "awww, poor SS" stuff makes me want to punch them in the face. They listen and commiserate when it comes to BM, but they feel sorry for SS, which irks me sometimes.

BUT, I do find that the intense negativity and paranoia of this site sometimes makes me focus on the bad and assume the worst in my own situation.  When people start freaking out about every doctor visit BM makes with the kids because they are afraid she's just trying to get "lifetime child support", I start thinking, OMG! What if BM gets CS to go beyond 21! Gah, HELP!

And all the hatred of skids on here sometimes makes me focus on the worst with my SS, instead of trying to, as someone said above, look at MY situation and what I need to do to make it the best I can.  If I get too negative about SS, it trickles down to DH and that's not fair to him.  So while I currently have nothing to do with SS, I'm trying to at least give him the benefit of the doubt and not assume he's being malevolent, when really, he's probably just being an idiot.

I didn't post here for years after SS PAS'd out because it wasn't helpful to focus on this stuff anymore, and I wanted to support DH in trying to reunite with his son. And now that his son is back, I want to focus on how to help him reconnect, and all the negativity doesn't help that.  By the same token, there are many on here who are positive or realistic about their situation - they tend to get drowned out by the negative ones.  I appreciate those positive voices.

Last but not least, this site makes me appreciate my DH immensely.  Some of these guys are serious divorce material.

It hasn't changed how I feel about SD herself at all. It changed how I feel about my feelings about her- less guilty and less responsible. Before I felt probably more responsible than even her own parents because stepmoms tend to be the scapegoat for anything that goes wrong and we all know the evil stepmom stereotype. 

Changes nothing. I have a good relationship with my SSs and they are pretty grounded. In my previous relationship, I found ST to be very helpful as I was new to the stepworld and was completely lost with a Disney Dad and a hellion of a SS. 

The site hasn't influenced how I feel about adult ss's but it has completely changed how I deal with adult step dynamics. My trouble came because I ASSumed that I could be friends with adult skids. Then I ASSumed that because they were grown men they would be independant, busy with their own lives and be too involved with gf's/wifes/their own kids, jobs, etc to pay too much attention to me.  I had no idea that I was tiptoeing through the decade old downed powerline drama of the first family and that all their emotions were still raw and undealt with.  I thought the wicked stepmother role was assigned only to women with younger children underfoot.  

I used to think I was a bad person for not being able to make the relationship w/DH's oldest son work but now I know it's quite common and that it's not me. It's the role I've walked into, Dh's enabling, and ss's emotional immaturity. The drama with adult skids is now like a hallmark movie that I grab a bowl of popcorn for and have faux sympathy for DH's sake. In short I'm still "step-parenting" but only in the sense of stepping waaaaay back.  

I usually find a period of toxicity when reading or participating on sites like this after a while and get into a state of mind where I can barely stand SKs and my partner more than usual, and need to take a step back for a bit.  But then I start getting frustrated and upset about things, and come back on to find validation in what I'm feeling or experiencing. 

I think, in many of the cases on here, we aren't totally happy.  Who is, really?  But that's a philosophical question for another time.  We do wish things were different, but are also trying to find the positives in our situation, or how to cope with our situations.  And that can really suck.

Reading about others going through similar issues makes me feel like not such a bad person when I do have those thoughts like "ugh, I wish the SK's would just go live with their mom," or the anxiety I feel when I hear the front door opening and their voices and them arguing before they've even been in the house for 30 seconds, or when my partner takes the SKs side no matter what I say. 

Although I am new to StepTalk itself, I have been a part of other forums in the past just like this one.  The only thing I would say is clearly different here, is that there are a lot more legitimate step parents that actually empathize with your situation- I don't like when non step parents comment on things (like on other forums), because it's not the same!  It's hard to really give practical advice if you have no experience with it; before I was a step mom, I had a totally different idea of what it was like to be a step parent, or before I was a parent, I thought I had parenting all figured out, and even judged others when they had a fussy child at a restaurant or the like- now, though, I realize I was totally off base!  And now I'm the one with a fussy toddler at a restaurant.  

Before getting totally off base, I don't think this site has changed the way I feel about them- let's say I don't have any more love or disdain for them before reading about everyone else's lives.  But, it does help me emotionally to form that "connection" with others that are feeling just as angry, sad, or low as I do some days; and it also helps me to provide advice and comments on others' posts as well.  I like knowing there is a team of step parents that have my back when I want to come vent, and I think that is probably the whole purpose of this site, anyway.  It's so hard to really change someone's feelings anyway, especially when it comes to love.    I would NEVER purposely hurt my SKs in ANY way- I make sure they are taken care of, have what they need, and even buy things they don't need!  I provide a stable home and structure, and tolerate a lot of things that directly impact my life and my childrens' lives, sometimes more at our expense than I'd like.  But I don't love my SKs, and I would feel rather indifferent (maybe a little happy? Don't tell my partner that!) if they came in tomorrow and said they are moving across the country with their mother.

What Lieutenant said, it's given me a "realistic view of what to expect and how to handle it all. I let a lot more things go because I have learned what to disengage from and what to put my foot down about." 

Reading critically and taking some advice with a grain of salt is necessary, as anywhere. I don't think I would be with DH any longer if this site hadn't helped me think it through. I use the advice and language it gave me to work through, for myself, PAS and OSD and some things coming up for YSD. I can talk with DH about things more logically and not feel guilty when I say no to something.

Pick and choose what to read and don't get worked up about what's not for you...

This site has been a complete gamechanger me. When I found it, I was struggling with step dysfunction and at one of the lowest lows of my life. I was codependent, a chronic people pleaser and doormat, beset by depression, anxiety, and other health issues. I had never heard of disengagement - Hell, I didn't know I even had a choice in the matter.  ST was my catalyst for change.

My first post was a long, bitter one outlining some of the sacrifices I'd made for DH and the skids and how all of it had accomplished exactly nothing. A number of wise long time members responded. I cried reading those responses. It felt so good to know I wasn't alone; that my mistakes were common ones; and my feelings understood. I'd found the support I needed to effect positive change in my life.

That was over eight years ago, and my life is quite different because I'm different. ST made me face reality, which made me stronger and aided me in other areas of my life. My marriage survived disengagement and is considerably healthier than it was before. I've made some good friends here, people who speak the truth and have my back.

Like others, I take breaks from the site and do get frustrated with members who seem stuck or to have a preference for misery, however I feel there's a need for bluntness and unvarnished truth. Too often, steplife is all about dysfunction and cognitive dissonance, and for me, the honesty here was exactly what I needed. Some of the best feedback comes from posters who ask hard questions. "Wait a minute, why are you saying A when you've shared B,C, and D?" I guess it comes down to whether a poster wants clarity or coddling.

No. But it has allowed me a place to vent about my worthless POS SS34 without taking it out on my DH.  My DH knows his son’s faults. Of course he still loves him and so wishes he would clean up his act. But DH has NEVER pressured me to accept the unacceptable. 

My  feelings for SS are so much worse than when I first started posting because ss’s actions became much worse.  He used to be just a pathetic, jobless, often homeless drunk druggie.   He could always find some woman to mooch off of.  I used to tolerate him in small doses.  After the home invasion and ransacking our home he is now just DEAD to me.   Being able to vent here allows me to blow off steam. 

But I hate reading about how many people here are tolerating being used and abused by utter aholes. 

This site has completely changed how I view my DH more than BM or my skids. When I found this site I had a lot of misplaced anger, and once I started holding DH accountable for his actions & the ways he was contributing to the drama in our home things started to shift.

I don’t find the negativity affects how I feel about my step situation, I find it makes me feel grateful that my DH isn’t a Disney dad & that we have firm boundaries with BM. Mostly I’m grateful for the companionship as I don’t know any SP’s IRL and it’s nice to have people to chat to & learn from.

I think it has helped more than it has hurt but it isn't all wholesome. Reading about how crazy some kids and BM's are towards their steps usually puts me on guard. I've also been right about a lot of things though so there's that. I have learned how to help myself and to never accept less than what I deserve when it comes to my SO and my child. BM's used to have the ability to get me all worked up and stressed over little things but not anymore. I see her and her games for what they are and I have braced myself for a future with or without my SS being a part of our lives. Knowing allt he ways all this could play out helps me expect the unexpected and prepare a better reaction.

I think I've got a healthier outlook because of steptalk. I joined fairly early on, but at the beginning of steplife, I really bought into the whole "I'm an awful person if I don't enjoy spending time with my stepkids and love them as I would my own" thing. Actually, I would hear from everyone, months into the relationship, that I wasn't "babysitting" when DH left me with SD - I was parenting. That's what it means when you date someone with children. After joining steptalk, I realized that was ridiculous and I wasn't a parent just because I was in a relationship with someone with kids. I realized it's OK to not love your stepkids. I'm much happier because of it.

I learned to be indifferent instead of angry, which dropped my stress level significantly! Now my emotions are positive and I channel my energy into things that I enjoy. 

I don't post much, I'm more of a lurker. But I find there's a lot of negativity, and rightly so, given the step family dynamics. However, it hasn't changed my opinion towards my SD. I do find, however, it can waiver my opinion towards DH so I try and step back and be objective. 

If I’m on too much I will start feeling negative and resentful..... but overall this site has been a huge source of support. 

Steptalk has made me appreciate the situation that I have going on is not bad by any means. I learned that what I was already doing was an actual thing "disengagement" and I felt that it was ok to do this for my own well being and sanity. It also helped that I didn't feel alone since I don't really have any family or friends that are step parents.

I read the posts but do not allow them to affect my emotions. If anything I am grateful that my H is not a Disney dad and that I don't tolerate half the nonsense that goes on in these posts. I do wish everyone well in their journey and being a step parent can be difficult and its helpful to have the tools to get through it.