I am in your EXACT situation. It really kills me how much DH is paying in CS right now, but it is his own fault because he volunteered to pay that amount. He is an idiot, I am well aware. Before I came along DH just forked over the cash and BM let him see SS whenever she felt like it. I finally had enough of it and told DH he had to go to mediation to have a written custody agreement because I was fed up with driving to her house to pick up SS (after she agreed to let us have him) just to have her close the door in our face. Finally they went to mediation but DH didn't ask to modify CS. Right now DH is paying 2000 a month just on food, and anything else is 50/50. If BM buys SS a new pair of underwear DH has to pay half. SS is 3.5 and there is no way he is eating 2000 worth of food, DH and I don't spend that much on groceries combined!!! The worst part is she never seems to have any money, and when they have to buy medicine or pay for Dr.s appointments or tuition, DH has to pay it all and deduct it from her bi-weekly paycheck. Then she gets pissed because she isn't getting her "full amount." So far this has been an uphill battle but DH and I are opening up our own store and I know money is going to be tight for a while so I am really pushing the CS modification because I don't want to struggle more than we have to. I guess I don't really have any advice for you, just that I am in the same boat and the constant rocking is making me sea-sick. Sometimes I really wonder wtf I was thinking getting involved w a man with so much baggage!

I agree more with you op--my dh's ex refuses to get a job so she really is just sitting on her butt doing NOTHING. All her kids are in school with the youngest almost 12. Dh has almost nothing after CS, taxes and ins. then half of all medical. I get no CS b/c my ex is a true dead beat.

I just keep reminding myself just 7 more years, 7 more years. But I am fortunate that my dh is very understanding and backs me up. He also understands that we don't have the extra money to give her more than just CS. Plus every time he DOES get a guilt trip I remind him that bm does not work and pulls the single mom/victim card even on her own kids.

I live in a state with both no-fault divorce and spousal support. I completely understand the bon-bon issue. Even on the rare occasions my SO's ex-wife decides to look for a job, she is never hired because since they split up she has been arrested twice for shoplifting and twice for disoderly conduct/battery. I have no argument with CS, which is a very cut and dried % in our state, but I get to watch as most of SO's pay goes to keep her "in the lifestyle to which she is accustomed" while she sits on her ass and very well could be eating bon-bons all day.

I don't have any helpful advice for Dashin as far as how to deal with it. I guess I'm just letting you know you have people in your shoes you can vent to...

I don't think about it. I never see it and luckily I don't feel it. I'm fortunate for that. I realize some are not and I sympathize.
SO HATES it. It burns him so he tries not to think about it either.

I hate the child support system! it favors the mother no matter what the circumstances are.

As I witness others who unlike myself are so infatuated with Children, why are you having another baby when clearly money is tight due to children and you have one already ?I am not judging you, I guess I have never understood the overwhelming need to have a baby and more importantly the overwhelming need so much so that you disregarding the current circumstance? I know it is to late to unring that bell so I hope things get better, but in terms of the child support, maybe he should try for a modification based on his current expenses.

Good Luck
Whateva

Dashin - the light at the end of the tunnel comes when the kid is 18 in some states and 21 in others. That's the reality. Our BM rapes my DH as well. We have learned to live w/o the money. The only thing that has gotten better is the fact that at least now my DH doesn't pay for extras. Before, he'd pay out his ass and on top of that buy the kids clothes, coats, school supplies etc. I put a stop to that. You can always file for custody and not have to pay her shit, but sometimes that's more headache than the money you're saving. Sorry you are going thru this, but I know how you feel.

:jawdrop: 60% is outrageous! Military doesn't get all that much "money" compensation to brgin with.

First I thank him for being in the service. Second I thank YOU for supporting him and being his rock while he is in. My first husband was in the army, so I can relate a little to what you are going through.

As how to cope: For starters my husband does not pay the % amount that yous does.
- get aggrivated that the courts don't take into account many things. By the time DH (commuting), BM and uncle sam get their parts I have about half his net pay to maintain our house.

I started off on being the super SM buying clothes shoes etc. When I didn't see kids in them I quit buying +- or SD would say it was cheap and didn't last......hmmmm really ODD has the exact in different color. Could it be you didn't really want it? Or like it? Or take care of it?

So I keep a log of expenses paid how much we have going out what the percetage is to his net pay. If he works OT stepkids might get a treat. If not they get nothing over the support and medical.

To cope I say what goes around comes around. We have lived "miserly" I have never had new furniture in our marriage - 12 yrs this year. We've owned one NEW car it is now 5 years old. BM has "made nasty comments" about nothing in our house matching. But when SD went to college and we were court order to pay more and BM came crying because we made sure she HAD to pay too. She was saying you have to pay for this and that and DH said no I don't not my car, show me the medical you've paid etc. She felt PAIN huge financially. She has her MA I have my MBA. We live on 40 hour a week pay because we need work/family balance. She has had to work two jobs and SS14 spends a lot of time alone. I look forward to each skid turning 21 or out of college and she will be out of my life.

Stay focused on supooerting your family and limit DH finanial obligations as much as possible. Understand the child support calculations understand the code the medical etc. See what is considered income and how to make it not included. Like BAQ isn't or shouldn't be income.

My biggest challenge seperating the negative feelings about BM from my relationship from skids

This struck a chord with me because I too get INFURIATED if I really let myself think about how much $ we pay to BM, simply because Dh earns more money and because the F'ed up CS laws allow her to.

A while back I made a budget up on Excel and of course I had to include CS. Then I made the mistake of doing a pie chart and when I saw the slice goin to BM I almost lost my mind.

I was REALLY starting to fixate on it but realized it was pointless because we have NO CHOICE until kids are 18.

So I told DH that for a good while anyway, I have to disengage from bill paying/bank account stuff/budget/finances, etc so that I can just stop thinking about it. He took it all over from me and that has helped. I know you probably don't have that option, you probably handle finances. But I wanted to just say -- I know the frustration and pain you feel at being helpless that your DH's pay is going to BM. It's like someone reaching their filthy hand right into your bank account and there's not a thing you can do!

I agree with vera. When BM had custody DH was paying $1500 a month for two kids. That left him with nothing at the end of the day and it was entirely on me to pay all our bills. I have no problem with paying CS as long as it's fair and reasonable. To me, what your husband is paying, and what mine has paid, is unreasonable.

I too was so pi$$ed off at it that I had to turn the bill-paying over to DH for awhile. I also kept a separate bank account to make sure that BM did not ever see one red cent of money that I had earned. Like yours, my BM has never worked either and is perfectly able to. She had custody up until 4 years ago. So the kids were in school from 8-3 when she had them. She had them signed up for our local schools' after school programs, which offered transportation to the programs from the schools. She couldn't find a job to work at while the kids were at school and at these programs? Heck, even if she got a job at McDonalds, I'd be happy.

And I thought DH (also military) got bent over the table with no lube in 2002 when he was ordered to pay 35% of his gross pay plus medical insurance plus all transportation costs associated with visitation. He ended up declaring bankruptcy due to the bills BM racked up while they were married.

I'm itching to know what rank your DH is and how much CS is per month.

What with a number of factors - the annual cost of living raises, the time in service raises, and getting promoted twice - DH is now actually underpaying BM according to the charts. Since she thinks he's a total loser, she hasn't bothered to take him back to court because she thinks it isn't worth it.

We're trying to get SD15 to come live with us. If she does, the day that custody mod is in place, we're suing for CS. Not for us; it will go straight into a college fund for SD15 - which we'll match.