Help with BM
I need some help with the BM in my situation. I have been with my DH for 4 years and married for 2 of them. We met about a year after his marriage broke up due to the BM having multiple affairs, some of them with her staff members at her school. She was married as soon as she possibly could after their divorce to one of the men she cheated with. From the first moment that I came into my DH's life, she has hated me for no reason other than the role I am in. She does not know me as a person. I am not the other woman or anything. She has called me names, tried to ruin all of our holidays and family outings. She tried to ruin our wedding day. And when we purchased our first home in the community that we were all going to end up in, she ruined it y telling us an hour after closing on the house that she would never move to the community. So after 2 years we sold that house and purchased a house in the community that my step kids go to school. As soon as we purchased that house her jealousy kicked in again and she took us back to court for child support because we have too many nice things. Recently she ruined my DH's 40th birthday surprise party. Enough is enough and I need some advice. How do you handle a jealous BM that thinks she is a perfect person? I know that I am not a perfect person, but I try to treat my ex husband and his wife with some respect. If anyone has any tips or comments about how to handle an extrememly jealous BM, please let me know! I am at my wits end!
The kids tell her everything
The kids tell her everything because she calls them everyday and asks what we are doing. Then she will text or email my DH for the entire night. I try to get him to let it go, but even if he does not communicate with her it bothers him and ruins our night. I think he as finally drawn that line in the sand and will not take her crap anymore, but when the kids are with us she is so nosey that she ruins everything. She is also the assistant pricinpal at the school in our community. I am very apprehensive about sending my kids to that school. How does an assistant principal get away with sleeping with her staff and keep her job. What a good role model! Sad thing is everyone knows how crazy she is but ingnores it. I am starting to feel like I am the one who is crazy!! She just won't stop trying to ruin our lives.
Thank you for your reply. I
Thank you for your reply. I agree limiting the information and communication is key. Just not sure how to do that?!?! My skids tell her everything and I am worried that she is turning them against me. I am very blessed in that all 4 of my skids and kids get along so well even with me as the step mom. Just don't want her to ruin that too.
I would just stop telling the
I would just stop telling the skids things if they can't keep their mouths shut. If they wonder why, you can tell them the truth- you don't them running back to BM with your personal business so now they don't get to know anything. Tough shit.
My SD's BM is very jealous and crazy too so I feel your pain but we definitely don't include her in any activities or let her know what's going on in our lives. It's not her business.
Do you know much about
Do you know much about restraining orders? Can I get one based on her just plain old treating me poorly? She has not threatened me or anything?
I often wonder what the BM's
I often wonder what the BM's husband thinks of her always emailing/texting her ex? On our wedding day, she text him telling him that her husband thinks he would get back together with her. First of all, if your new husband said that to you, would you text that your your ex?? No way, only if you are psycho and want the attention of his wedding day turned to you. Of course, he read the text because his phone went off. She knew he would read it. He did not respond, but come on really, she is a grown woman and left him, why is she trying to ruin our lives. She only knew about our wedding day because my skids told her where we were. You see, we had a family ceremony to unite all of us as a family. She ran off and got married as soon as she posssibly could and did not include the kids. Jealous again! How do I deal with her at my skids events? She is contstantly staring at me and it public tries to be overly nice in fronot of other people. I just ignore her and don't give her the time of day. This totally bothers her.
The only way to take the
The only way to take the control away, is to limit the information she is receiving. It seems like you realize that, but don't know how to prevent it.
First of all, DH needs to grow a pair and not communicate with her unless it's about skids. There is no need to be texting with her regularly at all. Keep it all to email. If that means he turns his phone off while skids are at your house, then so be it. No reason he needs to get all of her crazy correspondence immediately. He needs to tell her to stop texting unless it's an emergency. Most importantly .. he needs to stop responding.
If skids are with BM, he would reasonably want to keep his phone in case of an emergency. Can he disable his email during that time?
To the extent possible, limit what you tell the skids. If they are BM's source of information, keep as much as you can between you and DH. Or only give vague plans/details .. not enough of anything that BM can make plans to intervene or ruin anything.
It's tough .. she sounds like a real piece of work .. it probably won't get easier any time soon. You have to stay strong and keep communication between you and DH open and clear. It's all too easy for the resentment to creep into your marriage when dealing with a meddling ex.
Great suggestions, I think my
Great suggestions, I think my DH and I are going to have a conversation about this real soon. He is finally standing up to her, just hope it sticks this time. I think he finally sees how much pain this is causing me. I honestly have done nothing to this woman and she is doing everything in her power to make me leave. I am not giving her that satisfaction!
Tried sending the email
Tried sending the email letter her know that we are not going to put up with any further disruptions and she treated me with calling the police. Now what?
First of all, the email
First of all, the email should have come from DH. All communication with her needs to happen between her and DH. You should not be handling this.
Now what? Now you ignore her. If she continues to call, text, email excessively about things not related to the skids, DH has to follow through and get the police involved.
She can threaten all she wants; she has no grounds to call the police for anything.
I fell like such an idiot. I
I fell like such an idiot. I should have let him send the email, but I really wanted to defend myself. I have never been able to do that through all of her attacks on me. Now her husband is texting my DH and harassing him. This is a nightmare. I cannot handle this stress, it feels like I am having a heart attack. Is all of this stress worth it? Maybe I am the crazy one?
Do not defend. Do not
Do not defend. Do not explain. Do not engage the crazy.
1. It is on your DH to communicate with her about their children and other than that, to set firm boundaries with the BM, especially when she is all cra-cra
2. Any attention from either of you above and beyond this minimal exchange of info is feeding into her sick need to be a drama queen.
Think of it like you are sending an email at work to a coworker. The coworker can say all SORTS of crazy crap. Your DH ONLY responds to any questions regarding the skids. NOTHING ELSE. And keep it businesslike and impersonal with no emotions involved on your end.
Otherwise, DOCUMENT every time she contacts you or DH and why.
I could have written this years ago when I first met my DH. BM STILL to this day hates me and doesn't even KNOW me. We finally had a NO CONTACT order put into the CO to stop her harassment. We also went with a neutral third-party exchange place for ours and the skids peace of mind. Can't be good for little kids to see their mother lumbering out onto their lawn screaming and cussing at their dad and SM!
Google low-contact or no-contact parenting and parallel parenting.
Thank you both for your
Thank you both for your responses. I have to find a way to make it through this. It is so hard to be degraded every time we have the skids.
I have now received two
I have now received two threats from her that she is working with the police. She told my DH that I threatened her. I obviously did not but that will not stop her from making something up. If she alters the email from me she could use that, right? I am freaked out that I am going to be arrested for trying to keep the peace. What do I do now? Can't stop shaking!! Guess she got what she wanted!!
I would start over. Do what
I would start over. Do what another poster said and thoroughly research low contact or no contact letters for parallel parenting, etc.
And spend some reading about this subject before sending any more no contact letters.
Document dates and times and save every threat she's made, including threatening to call the police. In fact just document every contact she makes. You may need this to get a no or low contact order.
Don't stress out too much about the police. I doubt she even called them. But all the more reason you should have absolutely NO contact of any kind with this nut job. Don't even be in the same room with her. It's hard for her to prove you threatened her if you never have contact with her. Leave that all to your DH. Dont let her bait you.
Do you have to go to all the skids events? If you don't have your own kids at these events I think you should stop going for a while because crazy could say you threatened her at one of these events.
I will read more on no
I will read more on no contact orders and have definitely stopped all communication. I do go to all skids events but I guess that will have to stop. Won't that make them feel bad that I just stop going? Our kids are in all sports and I love watching all of them. It is going to be weird to them that I don't go. But when I do go BMW spends more time staring at me than watching the game.
Thank you Justwow and
Thank you Justwow and everyone for your help and comments. I am starting today with a new out look. No police showed up last night either. So far two threats in two days and no police. She is such a fool. I am way stronger inside than she thinks I am. This Sunday at Church I am going to let go and let the powers that be deal with her. Quite frankly, I am not sure how people like her sleep at night. I am guessing there will be one more threat today because she loves to try and ruin our weekends with the skids. Again, thanks everyone!! I hope even through what we all have to put up with dealing with the crazies that we can all still feel blessed for all of the good in our lives! That is my focus today after a very tough couple of days.
My children's father while
My children's father while not an interference is a lying piece of crap, I can't stand him or his wife. He married the woman who was supposedly my friend but was sleeping with my then husband. Anyway I don't know how old your skids are but mine are old enough to have their own line of communication with him. I have told him that he needs to provide them with phones so he can get ahold of them and not go through me. I have also informed him that all communication has to be via email or FB message unless there is a emergancy concerning my children. I believe that when the children are little you have to have a fair amount of communication, however once the are older there is really no need for alot of communication between them. Good luck to you, I can't image having to deal with a pyscho BM.
So funny! I am in the exact
So funny! I am in the exact same spot! two step kids - BM hates me but she is a silent hater - we never had any issues until just recent when my SD starting acting out - alot of people are telling me its age but I think its the BM bad mouthing me and the daughter taking on her attitude - Its so very upseting and all you can do is hope that she finds someone and moves on. I think a jealous person is just that she will always be lealous of you - she is upset because she lost what was important to her! How old are the kids? Things have got so much worse for me since my SD turned 13. I hope it works out for you - If you love him enough then you wont let her ruin what you have. Lots of Luck and big hug going your way!!!