so, been at my parents house with bd5 for some time now. finally into a routine with her here. she is fast asleep, and since its early i have not reached my tired-as-hell mode yet...so thinking it is!

i miss bf. we have not broken up. but i miss him and how things were in the verrrrry beginning, when love was new. sure, sd was a demon from the start, but i didnt live with them so i could go home at the end of the night. recharge. since moving in all those years ago, things have gotten shitty. i have a moment to look back now...and i hate what i see.

its been all about sd. what she did bad that day, the anxiety of how she will be tomorrow, school meetings, pointless therapy, trying to punish and failing. bd is born and a new set of troubles. sd not liking bd, sd not liking me, sd just hating the whole show and trying to make it end. now drugs, sex, booze, sneaking people in, suspensions, referals, allmost ODing, lying stealing, hoarding, ect...nothing but bs.

did i know he had a child? yes. did i know things would suck? nope. red flags, i shoved them away, said 'not me, not us.' how stupid of me.

romance? barely, but how can u feel romantic or in love when there is bullshit goin on?

uggh, im not even sure now even if sd does get in rehab if i should go back. cause 4-6 months locked up may not help her...cause she needs to want help and change...and what if the damage has been done and i cannot change my way of thinking about her?