Frustrated
This is my first time here..I am frustrated, my bf of 2 1/2 years has two girls, 12 and 17. The 17 year old doesn't always come over on weekends. He has them every weekend except for 2nd weekend of month. We do not live together. His ex lives with her bf for past 3 1/2 years with girls. Moved right in with him after my bf told her they needed to sell house because he couldn't afford mortgage payment and get himself an apartment. He lives with his brother for 2 years in a small bedroom so his ex and kids could stay in house. Anyway immediately after they sold house she moved in with her bf whom she had cheated with on my bf. Our latest problem is this..he would like me to start staying over at his at night occasionally when his kids are over. So we decided to try last weekend. His 12 year old threw a fit and cried and said it wasn't right and she wanted to come over to see her dad and she didn't want things to change. he tried to point out that this is nothing different than her mom is doing and her resonse was that that's not right either. But oh no, no one would question mom. BM is very controlling and is a real manipulator, and tried all the time with bf. He is getting better with the situation, but still has a hard time with her. My question is this..what do you do...back down and let the 12 year old feel that she can control the situation. I got my bags and left not to cause any more problems on the spot with her. My bf feels that it is not fair to him, he wants to have someone in his life with his children, just like their mom does. But he doesn't want to alienate his daughter either..and he would be very hurt if because of that she didn't want to come over to his house weekends anymore. He is having enough problems getting the 17 year old to come over. She would rather stay at moms (mom works Friday, Sat and sun) and use mom's car and mom lets her do this. We don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I have been a step mom with my first husband of 22 years and we never had that problem with his boys. I have a grown daughter who is 26. I am by myself so I would like to spend as much time with him and his daughter as we can. As I said he has her 3 weekends a month, so that doesn't give us much weekend time together unless I spend time with both of them. She is a sweet girl, but pretty spoiled and likes to be babied. Anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks.
Frank discussion?
Maybe him having a frank discussion with the girl that you WILL be a part of his life and, therefore, you will also be a part of her life on some level might help. Perhaps he should put it factually to her that this IS going to happen, that you both respect her feelings but that you are both consenting adults and have the right to share your lives if you so desire. I think we have to respect the feelings of the children and make transitions as painless for them as possible, but we do not ever let them make life-altering decisions for us, such as with whom we can/cannot have relationships and how/how not to conduct those relationships. You two aren't doing anything wrong, other than letting yourselves be manipulated by a child. Talk to her, let her know that you'd like to get to know her better and maybe build a friendship. Have him talk to her and tell her that he gets to decide who to spend time with, not her.
~ Anne ~
Thank you. This is my
Thank you. This is my opinion also...but wanted to get some other views to see if I was being unreasonable. BF says I am not, but he has a hard time because he is so afraid of alienating them.
Children are welcome to
Children are welcome to voice their opinion, if they are doing it respectfully and politely. Adults should show them the respect of listening to & addressing their concerns.
But, the children don't get to decide how the adults live.
I think your bf needs to sit down with his daughter & discuss her concerns with her. Maybe she needs some kind of reassurance that his love for you doesn't change his love for her. Could be that that happened before in her life, when mom's boyfriend moved in.
But, he also needs to remind her that she should respect his feelings and decisions, too. She should want him to be happy, just as he wants her to be happy.
At 12 years old, there is still so much that she needs to learn about interpersonal relationships. And, still so much time to do it in!
Well said!
Kids may be rather slow in learning about interpersonal relationships outside of themselves and their own needs. My sks are suppposed to be with their mother this year for Christmas...keep in mind we are talking about adults ages 21, 26 and 29. (When we first met they were always with their Mom for holidays even though Dad had raised them because she said that she wouldn't give them their presents if she did not. I negotiated the every other Christmas idea with their mother, my husbands' ex!) So this year, since his daughter had a baby, the ex is coming here which means that hubby will be spending some of the holidays this year with his kids again just as he did last year. No problem.... However, when and how will this time be decided? Well they have to wait until the ex comes down and they will figure it out from there. So I must wait to make any plans until this ultimate decision is made. I am p$%ssed off but of course hubby doesn't understand the issue. WE should be making plans and asking them to join us, not me joining THEM. Sorry for the inferno of emotions...I needed to write this down and hopefully get this flaming emotion out of my body!
All's good with my 13 yr old
All's good with my 13 yr old and her Dad's GF ......NOW
Similar situation...she didn't want to go over...she didn't want to "share her Dad" with this woman who moved in to her Dads house..
She complained about her constantly....was difficult
I asked how things we going just last week.....things are good. It took a 1 1/2 yrs to smooth over...and for the 13 yr old to get used to the fact that this woman is going to be in her Dad's life and therefore in Her life. And to give her a chance.
The kids will "suck it up"....people move on....thier Dad will not stay single forever....it's a fact of life...they must deal with it...like many other things they may not like in life. They don't control Dad's love life...and they don't call the shots about what goes on in his home!!!
.......it all worked out.....stick to your guns....be patient.....they will come around in time.
Think about it....a 17 yr old is going to hang with friends over Dad any day.....whether your there or not....... We'd all do the same thing in that situation, right? Don't let anyone, including yourself, make you a scapegoat for Sd's not coming over.....