Found out stepdaughter staying “awhile longer”
My stepdaughter has been in town for going on two weeks now. I haven't seen her yet because she has beem staying at my sister in law's house. My husband mentioned whem she was coming she'd be here "a couple weeks". He has been workimg very long hours them stopping byy sister in law's house on his way home. I have not seen much of him the last couple of weeks. Maybe 30 minutes or so at night before I go to bed. Tonight he called me on his way home from work around 8:00 to let me know he was on his way to sister in laws. I asked of he was taking SD home on Sunday as this Sunday will be two weeks. He said no, she's staying "awhile longer". I asked how long is "awhile longer" and he said maybe a couple more weeks. I asked of she's going to continue staying at sister in law's and he said she may stay at our place "a few nights". I had a breakdown and started yelling I haven't seem him in two weeks, etc, He asked so you want me to neglect my daughter? I said no but he's neglecting his wife. He said he'a bot talking about this and he'll see me when he sees me and I hung up. I'm so hurt that I've been kept in the dark. I thought he was doing better by letting me know ehen she was coming a week before she came but now it's the same crap he's done before when it comes to her. I feel dropped when she's around. Inknow this isn't ok and I don't know what to do. The last time she was here in March he brought up divorce and actually said it wasn't working. I'm afraid the same thing is going to happen again. I have gotten to the point that I hate he has a daughter. If she wasn't his daughter our relationship would be close to perfect. It is not fair to me to be kept in the dark about her but I kind of ynderstand why he does keep me in the dark - because the mere thought of her hurts me emotionally. I try to pretend she doesn't exist and when she's not around it's almost like she doesn't exist to him. He'll go months without talking to her but when she wants to come around he neglects me for her. When she's around I worry about our marriage. She's 17 and Inused to think the older she gets the better it will get but I think it may get worse. After yelling at him on the phone I'm afraid he won't talk to me for who knows how long. I don't want to leave. I'm 40. We've been "trying" for a child for over 4 years now and I feel like at this point in my life if I leave him or he leaves me I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I've already decided if we don't make it I will never date a man with a child again and I know there aren't too many childless men my age out there. And..when she's not around I do love him deeply. I love his company and being his wife (when she's not around). Has anyone been in a similar situation that somehow got better and, if so, how did it get better?
Just out of curiosity...
Why doesn't she stay with you two?
I'm not sure. I've been
I'm not sure. I've been working from home and he's been working really long hours (like leaving a little after 6 am and not getting off work until after 8 pm). I will say even thiugh it aounds terrible I've been happy that she's not here all the time (any time) We're not close and it would be uncomfortable being alone all day together. I think mayne it's a combinationof him knowing it would be uncomfortable me and her alone all day and also if she were here she would keep him up until 2 or 3 in the morning because he stays up with her and has never had a bedtime for her. I think he knows he needs some sleep even if it's only a few hours a day. He's the epitome of a disney land dad, doing everything for her and having no rules or boundaries whem she's around.
Honestly, I'm sorry, OP - but
Honestly, I'm sorry, OP - but there is no way your relationship can be "close to perfect" when he treats you this way. He's keeping you in the dark about his daughter and has already threatened divorce once. I think you are letting your own fear of being alone make you believe this is a good relationship, when he has it in him to be very cruel and dismissive of you.
Therapy might help you to find some strength and self-worth, because this guy is not treating you well and you are tolerating it.
You're right - I am afraid of
You're right - I am afraid of being alone. I also question if I'm in the wrong for not wanting his daughter around? Am I in the wrong for not being more welcoming and accomodating and just keeping my mouth shut when it comes to her? Am I the bad guy in this situation?
From your past blogs, it
From your past blogs, it appears that your husband treats you poorly whenever she is around - does she treat you poorly? I certainly can understand why you don't want her around when he turns into a jerk in her presence. But that really makes HIM the problem, not her.
That's the problem. When she
That's the problem. When she's not around he's basically an absent father. He pays his child support on time but that's about it. He only talks to her once a month at most. He went for over a year without seeing her - as far as I know due to his schedule. He even forgot to call her on her birthday. But...when she's around he drops everything for her. So, it hasn't been bad because she hasn't really been around much. But when she does want to come around I feel like me and our marriage is shoved to the side. I don't understand how he can think that's ok. That's why I say when she's not around it's good but as soon as she wants to come around it's all about her. I don't want it to get worse (her wanting to be around the older she gets). She's 17 so I'm hoping she'll develop her own life but I don't know if she will because she has been babied her whole life. Like I said, when she's around, DH does everything for her. Cooks for her, does her laundry including folding and ironing clothes, pours her drinks, throws her trash away for her. In addition to this he lets her stay up all hours of the night. Even when she was 13. He's never had a bedtime for her. I go to bed earlier so I'll hear them out in the kitchen laughing and being loud while I'm trying to sleep. So he does all these things for her but doesn't stay on top of her education or encourage her to be more independent. I don't think she's being taught life skills. In addition to that he pays a good chunk of child support so she gets nice things: hair done, new iphones, apple watches, etc. He's a different person when she's around. At this point I get anxiety attacks even thinking about her being around so it's very hard to talk to him about it. In addition to that, he gets defensive if I ask any questions about her visits. We have been trying to have a child of our own but that stops when she's here. We've been looking to buy a house as we're renting now but that gets put on the back burner. I don't see him as much so I don't know what's going on with his job right now (there was some crazy stuff a couple weeks ago but we haven't had time to talk about it - he was going to apply for another position, I don't know if he has because of the very limited time I'm seeing him.) If it were like this all the time I would seriously consider leaving but I've been in several relationships before and I know noone is perfect. He was happy up until last night because I hadn't asked questions (I was assuming she'd be here a couple weeks like he said) but when he told me she's going to be here awhile longer last night I lost it. I know this is not fair to me and is not conducisive to a healthy marriage.
I would agree, this isn't
I would agree, this isn't healthy. But he's making clear to you that he is not going to do anything differently, and instead of listening to your concerns, he will simply see his daughter elsewhere, and completely be absent from your marriage.
I would stop trying to get him to parent differently and focus on how he can be both a husband and a father at the same time. Let him parent as he sees fit.
She doesn't treat me
She doesn't treat me incredibly poorly but I do feel like I get looks and I'm being judged. The last time she was here I got the feeling she was avoiding me because she would stay in the guest room until I went to bed then come out. So, I know some people would probably say that's normal teenage stuff but it hurts to feel like you're being avoided in your own home. If she doesn't want to see me to the point of hiding away why did she even come? In the past she hasn't acknowledged me when I come in. Just little things like that.
If she wasn't his daughter
If she wasn't his daughter our relationship would be close to perfect.
Well, I seriously doubt this ^^^^^
I feel like at this point in my life if I leave him or he leaves me I'll be alone for the rest of my life.
Forty is not old, you will not be alone for the rest of your life.
I've already decided if we don't make it I will never date a man with a child again and I know there aren't too many childless men my age out there.
My sister is 48, and is engaged to a man who is the same age and has no kids. Her BF before this, also had no kids. It's possible.
Regardless of whether a man has kids or not, the important thing is how he treats you, and not just in a bubble when it's only the two of you.
So he's an absent father
So he's an absent father except when SD conveniently fits into his schedule, and he's an absent husband when you don't conveniently fit into his schedule.
See the pattern? This isn't about you.
Yeah - that revalation just
Yeah - that revalation just hit me. When it comes down to it, it feels as though he puts her before me. Almost like he gets his emotional needs met through her when she's around so doesn't need me. That's pretty f ed up.
I think it's broader than
I think it's broader than that. He gets his emotional needs met by whoever is available to him at that time based on who he wants to be around. You've probably played second fiddle to other things or people before (like his job, other family, or friends), but it only hurts this badly with his DD because she represents something you don't have and are struggling to get.
Healthy people can balance multiple relationships at once. They don't have to cut one person out in order to slide someone, or something, else in.
^^This^^
is what I wanted to say. Your H doesn't know how to balance multiple/different relationships. So he neglects his daughter when she isn't around, then spoils her and neglects you when she is.
He sounds emotionally stunted. Therapy could help; also, I think you should stop being so available. Not in a punitive way, but get busy doing things you enjoy and stop relying on this man for so much of your happiness. Don't be home when he comes home. Get involved in hobbies, groups, and things that make YOU happy. Let him come home to a dark house, no dinner, and nothing but his own company while you're out enjoying life and rebuilding your self esteem. He'll make more of an effort if you're not such a sure thing.
I think it's broader than
I think it's broader than that. He gets his emotional needs met by whoever is available to him at that time based on who he wants to be around.
LD is right. This is why I said I doubt that things would be perfect if he didn't have a daughter. If he didn't have a daughter, it would be someone or even something else. His buddy, his bowling league, his job, whatever. He doesn't make you a priority, you are only a priority if there are is nothing else taking his attention, at the moment.
This is on HIM, not you. It's his character flaw, his emotional issue, it is not a reflection on you.
Don't you feel that you deserve better?
I do feel I deserve better
I do feel I deserve better but I question what the issue would be with the next person I would be with. I've learned that everyone has issues, including me, and I think it just comes down to finding someone whose issues you can deal with. I had been in multiple relationships before my husband which all ended for some reason or another. Nothing major like cheating. Sometimes I question if I'm the issue. I do think if I were 10 years younger I would be much more inclined to leave hoping I would find someone without a child who would always treat me with kindness and respect. Maybe I'm jaded but I just don't think the "perfect" relationship exists. He can be so sweet and loving at times but when it comes to anything related to his daughter it feels like he's a different person. I just wish he would step up and be a parent by enforcing boundaries (including not spending all of his spare time with her when she's around) and I could get past the jealousy and resentment that she's his daughter. Right now, I don't think I'll ever have a real relationship with her but I would just like to not care, not in a mean way, but in a way where we both respect each other's presence and space and that's it.
It sounds like you would
It sounds like you would rather be with someone who treats you like this, than be alone for the amount of time that it might take you to find someone who treats you right. That is your choice.
I dated quite a few jerks before I met my DH and I spent a lot of time being on my own. I preferred being on my own, rather than be with an asshole. If I had stayed with one of the jerks, just to be with someone, I wouldn't have been available to enter a relationship with my DH. Who treats me like gold (for 24 years, now). Does he have issues? Yep. Does he frustrate me sometimes? Yes. But he treats me like gold. And he loves me, despite MY issues.
Yes, everybody has their issues but not everybody will treat you like gum on their shoe when someone else is in the picture, whether it be their kid, a friend, an ex, whatever.
The "perfect" relationship may not exist, BUT a relationship in which you constantly doubt your value, that makes you long to be treated with kindness and respect, is not really a relationship worth having, in my opinion. I would rather be alone.
IMHO you are far better off
IMHO you are far better off starting over than dooming yourself to the rest of your life of hell by staying with this POS.
Rekey the locks, get the most agressive brutal killer shark attorney in your market and go for his throat. See how he likes living with his sister.
Once you take everything possible, sell it all and go find a beautiful place to restart the rest of your life learning from this whole shit show that you have to be your priority.
There are great people out there. Find one and enjoy making a life together with someone of character and quality.
Take care of you.
I feel this so deeply. Just
I feel this so deeply. Just know that it's not you and you had every right to yell and confront your DH when the terms of the agreement changed. An extra 2 weeks unplanned is a big deal! That and the fact he changes when she's around is not good. Seems to be a common issue but still not good. Be mad and don't doubt yourself. And you are definitely not too old to start again, make room in your life for another connection and you will find it, you won't find it for as long as you are at home on pining for your DH.
I'd start being unavailable
I'd start being unavailable to him. Call him before he goes to see his daughter. Tell him you won't be home and go see a friend or your family. Do this daily until he gets the message.
I am pretty much you but with
I am pretty much you but with considerably more time into the same situation -- my SD was in her pre-teens when my husband and I began dating; now she's 30-something and we've been married 13 years or so. Compare that to how much time you have into your relationship/marriage -- the stuff below might give you an idea of what you're in for.
Yesterday, I spent 45 minutes crying in the shower. Then I listened to yet another podcast about marriage conflict. Then I came down and my husband and I "discussed" the problem with my 33-year-old SD for another two hours, bringing that day's total to probably four hours.
I am too ashamed to admit what triggered me yesterday because it sounds so petty, but I realize after 20 years of putting up with this situ, I'm quick to blow. Fortunately, what triggered all that is not my point.
The point is, I've been married 13 years and instead of it getting better
because she's older
or because she's used to me
or because she moved 2 hours away from us
or because she has her own husband now
or because she knows I'm not going anywhere
or because of...whatever...it is worse now than ever because I have 20 years of her painful bullshit piled up and he -- my husband...he hasn't changed a thing about how he deals with her. NOT A THING. So when a new insult happens, it dumps a little more hurt on top of 20 years of hurt, pain and resentment.
What you wrote that really hit home for me was when you said you just wanted to know what's going on with them -- at least as a courtesy, if not out of respect that you are his spouse. THIS is all I asked for three years ago when, at the end of my rope with SD's nasty treatment, I disengaged from SD. I told my husband, "I don't want to hear about her, I don't want to see her, I won't hassle you about seeing her outside of our house for as long as you want, you just do your thing with her, but please give me 2-3 weeks advance notice that you will be spending the weekend away with her so I can make plans and not sit here stewing about my shitty life."
He gladly said he could handle that and I thought we'd finally,FINALLY found a compromise.
But IT NEVER HAPPENED EVEN ONCE, Seriously7! Such a simple thing to request, but my husband COULD NOT DO IT.
The day he was supposed to go see her, he'd still be sitting here at noon. I'd have to actually say, "Why are you here? Why are you not at SD's?" And he'd finally tell me she scrapped the plan. Other times he'd make plans to go away with me and then "forget" and make plans with her -- and I was always the one who got cancelled when there was a scheduling "conflict." This happened over and over. So even when I totally removed myself from their relationship, I made myself as little as possible in his world so she could have her precious alone time with daddy, he still could not even give me the courtesy of telling me when he'd be doing it.
Eventually I remembered our early dating days. We'd wait entire days for her to show up and I'd finally say "call her, find out where she is," and sure enough, she'd changed her plans or she had a "tummy ache" or...whatever and couldn't be troubled to even call to cancel. She hasn't changed a bit in 20 years and he hasn't changed how he handles her in 20 years.
So if you can't even get the schedule out of your guy, you surely won't get meaningful compromise on a deeper level -- like sticking up for you if she attacks you, and she will, eventually, attack you. Think about that -- if he can't even tell you what his plan is with her, why do you think he's going to respect you at all when she's around?
He won't. Maybe he can't. Mine won't or can't either.
I don't want to shoot you down, but do not expect it to get better without tremendous work. We're on our fifth round of marriage counseling with our fourth therapist. I'm not sure we're making progress. I think we are, but I'm still drowning in so much pain and resentment that's like water with nowhere to drain.
And now that this is already so long, I might as well go into this...
Girl, you are not too old to find a new life! And honestly, I think you're the perfect age to find a better man! Listen to me on this -- when you are my age, 53, you'll realize how much life you lived since you were 40. Believe it. Anyone will tell you it's true!
And if you get out there and start dating now, you'll realize how many men are in the same situation you are. There used to be this term, "starter marriage" -- it's like the first one is a throwaway to teach you how not to do it! And I did date quite a few men without kids -- but you have to use the internet to weed the breeders out, so get used to that idea if you haven't dated online before.
Please don't put yourself out to pasture -- you're looking at it exactly opposite of how you should be. You are just becoming the interesting, experienced woman you're meant to be with some achievement to show for yourself. I know you want kids, but do you want them bad enough to have them with this guy and all his baggage? If so, what's your plan to deal with this SD situation? If he's not willing to go to marriage counseling, it will be all about YOU changing how you view the situation, which is just another way for a therapist to tell you that you just have to put up with it. This is no deal for you.
Good luck. Realize your choices and do what's good for YOU.
(Sorry for the length)
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the reply! I know you can't predict the future but I was looking for advice from someone who has been in a similar situation. I'm actually going to see a marriage counselor today, by myself, without my husband knowing, just to try to get a professional's perspective on things. I'm not deliberately hiding this from my husband but he's been too busy with his daughter the last couple weeks and we haven't had more than a few minutes to really talk since she's been here. I do love my husband and, for the most part, love being married to him but what has been going on with his daughter when she's around is not sustainable. He had an accident last week on his way home from my sister in law's house, which is where SD is staying, and which is where he has been spending his free time, and I was hoping just maybe that would wake him up. He hasn't been taking care of himself since she's been here. He hasn't been getting much sleep because he leaves early in the morning to go to work and doesn't get home until late. So, from my perspective, he's running himself into the ground so as not to "neglect" his 17 year old daughter. This is what really worries me. He is either blind to what is happening or he just doesn't care and will sacrifice his health for SD.
What I am afraid of is that as she gets older this type of behavior on his part, neglecting his wife and marriage for SD, will not get better but will get worse the older she gets. When she was younger she was controlled through visitation agreements and living far away with her mother. As she gets older she can decide where she will live and how much time she wants to spend with her father. It looks as though when it is her decision to spend more time with my husband he either cannot or just does not say no.
I don't know if DH understands the severity of the situation because I do believe he loves me dearly and I don't think he wants to lose me but the way he behaves toward me when she's around does not reflect that.
I was also afraid of being
I was also afraid of being alone. I hated my job. Hated my marriage (and there were no stepkids involved). When I turned 40 I decided EFF THIS. I knew I had at least 20 more years to work, and I'd been miserable in the marriage for at least 10 years.
I found a good therapist who helped me sort through it. My (now ex) H and I tried marriage counseling, which just solidified my decision to leave him.
I got a new job (and promotion), and several since then.. Dated several men after my divorce. Met DH and married him, and learned about steplife. Ugh.
Use this time to figure out what you want, and how to get there. You are not stuck with your current situation unless you choose to be.