Ever feel like you pay for the mistakes from DH/So's past?
Today is the day we hit rock bottom financially. I had this feeling it was going to happen sooner or later. DH and I have been careful with our finances, but his past keeps coming back and making issues for us to deal with now. I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Reality came crashing down, and I am livid. "Their" past is ruining my future--we will not be able to go home for Christmas--it's been almost a decade since I've been able to travel home, and it was all that I wanted for Christmas. Again, I feel like I'm paying for the issues that BM created.
I'm livid for many reasons, but I feel like my anger is directed at BM. Part of the reason we are in this financial difficulty is because we take care of 95% of the kids stuff (there's no child support any more--thank God!). A great deal of what we are dealing with now stems from the financial fall out from DH's past with BM. Without going into too many personal issues, she blew through almost $100,000 and he is still paying for it now--on top of the loans taken out to deal with attorney's for the court dates/mediations to get rid of BM, and the credit card debt that she was supposed to take care of and dumped on DH. On top of that, she's supposed to pay half of expenses for the kids, and doesn't. This year alone, we are talking about $5,000, and the year isn't over yet.
Not only has she created financial issues, but she expects me to be the free babysitter or DH to pay for daycare--not on our days (we don't need it) but on her days. It's his "responsibility" to the kids, for her benefit (according to BM). She cannot afford daycare due to her continued financial issues, and the day care will not take the kids if she doesn't pay the month ahead of time due to her past bounced checks.
I realize that she doesn't care about it, and she's oblivious to my issues. Being angry is only hurting me, but I don't know how to let it go.
Aww hon.. that is awful I
Aww hon.. that is awful
I kiiinda know what you're going through.
When SO and BM were together they bought a house, when they split, they UNDER sold the house, left them with a JOINT debt of $50'000. After a year of paying the loan off together, BM went bankrupt, the bank then shifted the entire amount to SO to pay. Would have been awesome if she talked to him first so he could split the loan into two $25k loans so he would only be accountable for HIS half.
Also because of her, SO has paid THOUSANDS in lawyer fees, of course, because she's bankrupt, in our country that makes her eligible for FULL legal aide, meaning she can go to the lawyers over every stupid petty little nonsense FOR FREE, yet every letter and phone call SO gets BECAUSE OF HER, comes with a bill. Fucking sucks!
CS... ok, I'm lucky, well, lol, SO is lucky I should say, that's been calculated at a fair amount and he doesn't really pay for anything extra, just clothes etc to stay at our place. So I can't complain about CS.
However... IF SO and I do not break up soon (I've blogged about it) getting married or having a baby.. may not work out for us because of the debt he owes thanks to BM.
I have the same sort of resentments towards BM too.. how can b!tches be so selfish!!! (rhetorical queston lol)
ETA: I've no resentment towards SO, i'm not the type to stress too much over money, my resentments is most certainly about the principle of BM screwing SO over.
Sounds like we have a lot in
Sounds like we have a lot in common (besides the bankruptcy issue). BM has never been financially responsible, part of the reason for their divorce, fyi.
I'm not angry/resentful towards DH. This was part of why he got out. I don't know how to get over her continued issues that create issues for us.
The latest issue is she gave DH a check for medical bills. I thought it was odd, as she's ignored that responsibility all year. Granted the check was for $250, not $2500, like she owes. That said, DH went to the bank (it's the same bank he banks at), and they told him that there wasn't enough money in her account to cover the check, nor could they cash it without charging him $20 in fees for a bounced check. Who does that?
In cases of jointly held debt
In cases of jointly held debt from a previous marriage it certainly is a viable strategy to if at all possible declare bankruptcy as soon as possible to avoid having the other party doing it first and putting the entire burden on you.
That starts your 7 year financial recovery quicker than if you take the risk that the other party will actually abide by their debt commitment.
Fortunately for me, my XW did ultimately pay for the house that we purchased 3mos before she ran off with her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar daddy. After I leased the house out and moved out she and her geriatric sugar/baby daddy moved in to the house after the tennant moved out at the end of the lease. They lived in the house for 3 years and then wanted to sell it. I got half of the profit much to the snarling gnashing of teeth chagrin of my XW.
I guess this falls under the financially screw unto others before they financially screw unto you mantra. At least when dealing with toxic Xs.
DH has contemplated that, but
DH has contemplated that, but he doesn't know if he qualifies, due to his income. Needless to say, between DH and BM (when they were together) made over $200,000 a year--and still could not make ends meet!
DH and I make less than half of that, and have avoided this financial rock bottom for five and a half years. It's been looming, and I've been cutting corners, and going without to make sure it didn't.
I just don't know where to go from here.
I dunno.. maybe it's just me,
I dunno.. maybe it's just me, but I kinda think grown ass adults who jump into making financial decisions that turn to shit, should be responsible to clean that shit up! I don't think using bankruptcy to wipe away mistakes is responsible, especially people who have dependents. In SO's case, BM didn't NEEED to file for bankruptcy, she just loves to screw SO any which way she can, and since she has her Mommmmy to cover her bills, WHY would she be responsible?! Although part of what you're saying is true, SO did know very early on that BM wasn't financially responsible, so really, he should have split their loan A.S.A.P!
I'm looking for those
I'm looking for those solutions. Due to BM's issues, everything for our relationship is in my name. It happened, over time, and now I'm scared of how that's going to negatively affect me.
I've separated my finances, but I don't make enough to cover everything in my name. So I still have to depend on DH to pay for what he said he will.
Amen to this . STOP
Amen to this . STOP IMMEDIATELY THE BABYSITTING.
Kudos, terrikitty! Just stop
Kudos, terrikitty! Just stop enabling her. If she doesn't have day care for the kids that is HER problem, isn't it?
My concern is for the kids.
My concern is for the kids. Yes, she makes poor decisions. When those decisions affect her, too bad, so sad. When those poor decisions puts the kids in harm's way, then I'd rather they be safe and sound with us & not alone for hours on end, unsupervised.
For once, dh is willing to put his foot down and lay it all out for her. If she chooses choice a, she's on her own to figure it all out without any help from us. If she chooses choice b, which keeps the kids best interest in mind, then we will help as needed (which shouldn't be much more than what we already do. ) But those are the only two options. We aren't making a choice c where we (but mainly me) are at bm's mercy.
Oooh heck no! He is enabling
Oooh heck no! He is enabling his grown a$$ daughter! She's not going to go out and get a job since daddy dearest and the family are supporting her, ick. I really feel for you
Yep! He doesn't have enormous
Yep! He doesn't have enormous debt - however his credit tanked as she got it to where the judge ordered the house be foreclosed on...luckily for us the local bank at least will still loan to him as he has been doing business with them since he was a teen and they know he won't miss a payment. I have a feeling though if he would have allowed credit cards in the house it would be a different story - as of now we only have mine in the house and it is for emergencies he is at least smart in that sense.
It sucks knowing everything is in my name and that I am the one who makes it day by day at times when he is buying toys and claims he is 'broke' so will take money out of the joint account when I don't even touch that account ---mind you I do monitor so he does pay it back in full but it's like at time he gets so excited he has money to do stuff he doesn't think and then I get irritated.
When I first read your story,
When I first read your story, I couldn’t believe how similar your story is to my SO. I know how you feel about the hurt and not knowing how to let it go. I just found out last week that SO hit rock bottom financially too. Lucky for me I do not live with him and I own my own home. We have been together for 5 years and because of the problems with his ex, I have refused to move in or marry him until his youngest graduates from high school (she will turn 18 in January, and will graduate in June).
I had no idea of the financial mess he is in. Yeah, I guess you could say that his financial problem is not mine and therefore I should not worry about it. Well, that is hard to do when you thought you had a future with someone and then one day you are slapped in the face with something like this. I kept thinking “Why am I so stupid?” One day one of SOs friends said to me that my SO was not being a good partner because he was keeping secretes from me. That was a real eye opener for me.
BM created a HUGE financial mess before they divorced. SO wasn’t aware of the debt they were in (his own fault for not paying attention). She had them drowning in $100,000 worth of credit card debt (her name only) and personal loans (in her name only), which he so nicely offered to pay when they divorced (sarcasm). I wasn’t aware of any of this this. Then his business tanked and he is in debt to the tune of another $100,000.00. He pays approximately $40,000 year in child support (one child), alimony and retirement to her. I just found out 6 months ago that 2 years ago, he was living on $200 a month because the IRS took all his income every month for a year to pay back taxes for the business he used to own. The $200 a month was side jobs he was doing under the table to survive. I have no idea how he did it. He never said a word to me. As a result of him only bringing in $200 a month he was unable to pay all his child support and alimony, so now he is in the rears. In addition to that he didn’t make any mortgage or home equity payments for over a year. He claims he is all caught up now on the mortgage and home equity loans, but wasn’t aware that he was in the rears on child support. Yeah right - how could he not know?
On top of all of this, his ex took him to court last month because the divorce decree said he had 3 years to refinance the house to get her name off of it and the 3 years is up. Well, his credit is so bad, no bank will give him a loan. So guess what? His house now will be auctioned off and his response was “I will move in with you”. The house has several liens on it from him not paying creditors from his business. OMG he did not even discuss this with me. He just assumed he will move in my house AFTER telling me about his financial mess. Last month the judge found him in contempt for being in the rears with child support and alimony, failure to make the mortgage and home equity payments (even though he is now caught up) so now his paycheck will be garnished again for the back child support and alimony. And the icing on the cake, he now has to pay her legal fees. I do not blame his ex at all. She only followed through with what the divorce decree said. I totally blame him for everything and I am very angry and hurt. He made bad choices and decisions. I told him I wasn’t sure if I could be with someone who made such bad decisions. This isn’t a little mistake – this is huge.
So, from what I can figure out, he is in debt to the tune of $240,000 and he thinks he can get this debt paid off in a few years. What planet does he live on?
It's 2:00 a.m. I can't sleep and I’m crying as I write this because I never thought at my age (49) I would be caught up in something like this. Oh and this mess came out on my birthday. Happy Birthday to me. I am contemplating leaving him but what kind of person would I be if I left him when he is suffering? He was pushing me to move in with him and we would rent my house. Thank God I didn’t do that or I would be homeless as well.
I wish you luck and I hope and pray that everything turns out well for you. ((HUGS)).
I couldn't think of anything
I couldn't think of anything worthy to say... I just really wanted to give you a very big virtual ((hug))
Thank you MamaDuck.
Thank you MamaDuck.
I hear ya, OP. Every damn
I hear ya, OP. Every damn day that my life as a fulltime SM leaves me feeling depressed and hopeless because SD brings sadness, cruelty, and disrespect to my so-called family, I just hate that I'm the one paying for the mistakes of DH's past.
I know how frustrating that
I know how frustrating that can be!! I make twice as much as DH makes so he is always trying to get me to help with his bills. I understand the whole “what’s mine is yours” concept, but when it comes to debt that was accumulated before you were even together, that’s ridiculous. I don’t ask for his help with my student loans, so he shouldn’t ask me for help with his crap.
DH and BM were not married, but they did own a house together. BM didn’t work but those were the days where anyone could get approved for a loan so they were both on the mortgage. DH lost his job and they split up, and the payments were not made so it went to short sale. Now DH can’t get anything in his name because his credit is shot.
DH has SD almost 100% of the time (BM is supposed to have 50% but she never takes SD). No CS is paid since BM is technically supposed to have SD 50%. We pay for everything. SD’s school clothes, school supplies, all her meals, her field trips, her dance classes- everything! BM contributes NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING.
We never have money for vacations, new clothes, things for the house because all our money goes to pay for SD and DH’s past mistakes. I am so resentful! I don’t have an answer on how to handle it other than completely separating your finances and downright refusing to help with things that are from his past!
Christine took the words
Christine took the words right out of my mouth! It sucks never having anything for yourself, because he wasted 9 years of his life on some stupid b!tch. It gets old having to work hard, so that BM doesn't have to.