Does the Resentment Heal with Time? (Kind of long)
How long does it take for resentment to subside after a lengthy battle? Been with DH for 4 years (2 married) and the last 2 have been hell concerning his ex-wife's kid and the whole relationship of the 3. I was 3rd tier since the day we got married, literally. We said our vows and started the pictures while others went to reception area. But pseudo SS8 (6 at the time) became upset when he didn't get to be in every single picture with us -photographer sent him away. DH proceeds to run after him, cajoling and pleading with him to join the others in the reception and wait. So photographer and I went on and took pictures while he chased that little turd around the grounds. Finally we go into the reception and it was time to cut the cake. Once again, turd didn't get to be center of attention and drifted out of the room with his manipulative 'puppy face' and DH promptly forgot about cutting cake and toast and went after him. 15 minutes later we hurriedly resumed. When it was over, DH spent another 30 minutes trying to get turd to go with his best friend so he could drop him back off at BM house as we were going to prepare for honeymoon which started next day.
That day set the tone of our marriage. Everything was SS. I spent our first anniversary babysitting him without being asked, b/c BM went to play house. In late April of this year, when we moved 4hrs south for DH job, I thought I saw the light; a break. It actually became worse. Finally late July, I'd had enough. We had the worse argument I've ever had with anyone and I didn't like myself afterwards. I am laid back, objective, fun person -the forever mediating middle child- yet I could make no inroads into this issue with any sort of logic. I had to go nuts to see a change. I feel like a dark shadow has been over me since marriage and I've had feelings of bitterness and resentment that I have never experienced before. We get along so well and make such a team in all other regards of our marriage but this one topic has eaten up big chunks of joy, passion and hopefulness. After the last big blowup and my disengagement, things started to improve. I'll give DH credit that he has been trying and doing better bit by bit. He's seeming to come out of the spell. I'm definitely happy about it and being supportive. But inside, I still seethe. Especially when it's time to deal with the kid or the BM again, like this Friday-Monday. I had a work conference next week that was going to have me out of town Mon-Friday but it was cancelled. Still, I literally made plans to leave here Friday at not come home until Sunday to avoid the kid. I am taking Monday and Tuesday off to just relax and have me time and today DH tells me the turd has a banquet on Monday evening and he wants me to come, which is a 4hr drive. Then he says he will take Tuesday off so we can just stay there that night. There goes my f*cking me time. If I say I don't want to go and then I have to deal with the days of "you wouldn't be this way if he was my bio kid" and the "you're not even trying" mess. And honestly, I'm not. I tried for 3 of the 4 years, particularly the last 2 and I'm just spent. I'm doing very little but that's all I have to give at the moment.
I keep thinking "is this as good as it's going to get" -"Is this going to be my life-always waiting and wondering what BM is up to & how this kid will infiltrate our lives in later years? As soon as I think we have a smooth moment, she strikes--asking for this or that (most recently, health insurance and $300 per month). I'm not rehashing the whole deal but just so you know, the kid is not DH's and there's no legal custody or support agreements. Yet by choice, DH has chosen this life and while he's trying now to consider US, I still can't shake the resentment from before. More so I worry that did anything REALLY change or is it just the distance that makes it's harder for DH to get to the kid at every chance and harder for BM to use him every day? And even if he did, BM certainly hasn't so there's always going to be something with her. Will DH's backbone ever get automatic so that he teaches Bm to be grateful for and take what she gets (which is plenty) & learn to stop always asking for more. But most of all I wonder, has there been too much damage? Can this be overcome?
Have any of you had success in overcoming the bitterness and residual, repeat stress that comes up even in less than important matters? I want to be that "Brightside", let the past be the past person I used to be but gosh...not sure the past IS the past and I'm just not finding that level of peace anymore. Maybe I'm expecting too much of myself too soon?
I've thought that before in
I've thought that before in the earlier days of this & examined it in every which way-they were together for 10 years before marriage and 7 years of marriage (last 2 were separation and divorce after kid was born) & that's a lot of history so I did think about that. I watched closely, we discussed as well. But in time I've come to understand DH better. It's a combination of classic history repeats itself: he has a big hole for not knowing his own Father (his own Mother had several affairs, one of which produced his brother) and his subsequent need to be needed. Who needs someone more than a kid? A kid without a Father. DH knows that first hand being raised only by his Grandmother. He didn't have a Mother or a Father and is always trying to prove he's worthy of love & respect. He is always trying to take a high road to prove his worth, not just in this area but others as well. It serves a good purpose in some ways to have that character but the issue is it comes from a hole in his heart, not from true altruism. He can allow himself to be used. So in the way that it's about the BM is in the "Look at how good I am despite you" way vs the "he still actually wants her" way. He's moved on with me b/c I know he loves me but that doesn't fix the holes...only true understanding & healing can do that and he has not taken any steps to get to that understanding. He's only just starting to see the light but I don't know if it's a case of too little too late for me. :/
I am amazed at how clearly
I am amazed at how clearly you see your situation. You have really thought this through and are very understanding, kudos to you! But as the spouse of a recovered (I hope) serial cheater, I think your husband is a lunatic! A child that is a result of infidelity is a CONSTANT reminder of that infidelity and pain. I'm sure it lessens with time, but he certainly doesn't need to be doing what he is doing. Too late now, but I wish I could have slapped him over his thick head with a 2x4 before he got this deep...if only to save you the head ache now. Why help out your cheating spouse and her kid...knowing the impact that will have on you and your future spouse???? Lunacy!
As far as the resentment...it won't end until he stops giving you reasons to harbor resentment. If he keeps putting you on the back burner, you will still feel resentment. My SD with a million and one issues (long story) is now living with her grandparents. When she moved out, my resentment slowly went away...because now I am put first and OUR kids' well being is being considered. But I think in your case, I would always resent the kid because he shouldn't be your problem...but yet he is. Sorry, probably not the answer you were looking for.
It took time to figure out
It took time to figure out this whole picture as pieces of DH life started to unfold. He has no true relationship with ANY of his family so getting to know him was solely based on what he reveals as there was no 'bigger picture' of a family dynamic for me to witness. I am going to urge DH to seek counseling. We're starting to talk more candidly about this situation and he is trying now so I think the time is approaching that I can bring that up without being dismissed. I'd LIKE to get to a point where I at least don't abhor the kid's presence and can walk by the BM without wanting to put her in a headlock.
Wow, I feel like I just read
Wow, I feel like I just read my life...'My 7 week old daughters father also for whatever reason which is beyond me, calls the product of his ex wife's affair his "son".. oh puke.. I just don't get it. That kid is his world and after 6 years, I am done! I'm sick of having to plan my life, my weekends and share my money with some kid that is not even a part of the family...Thank God next Monday my daughter and I are out of here and won't have to deal with the "faux son" anymore..
I'm glad you're getting out
I'm glad you're getting out of there--you are not safe with this dude. Good for you for sure! xoxo!
"Ain't got no picture
"Ain't got no picture postcards, ain't got no souveniers, my baby he don't know me when I'm thinkin 'bout those years".
I'm not sure the hurt and resentment of being third string ever heals. Just a lot of poorly healed scar tissue. I'm normally the mellow, happy-go-lucky middle child too, but I've been at this 33 years and I still have bitter feelings about my situation. It was handled so poorly by DH.
I was so young and naive. I became more like an unpaid nanny than an honored wife. Not only wouldn't DH stand up to BM, MIL and SD41 himself, he wouldn't allow me stand up for myself either. All the mistrust and anger he had towards BM because of her serial cheating, lying, embezzeling and running him into bankruptcy was taken out on me. He always acted like I was the one he couldn't trust and was very controlling, especially about money. Unfair when I actually was the one he always could trust. I'm not BM and didn't ever play those nasty games. It was an unnatural situation for me because I'm a strong person and am not usually one to let myself be abused. The ugliest fights we've ever had (that I've ever had with anyone in my life) were about these people. And there was no one who could relate to me and what I was experiencing.
I didn't feel valued, I felt really alone and smothered. It was really rubbed in my face and I felt I had no recourse. I lost mass respect for DH over his refusal to put his past behind him, put BM, SD41 and MIL in their places and parent SD41 properly. And to trust me and put me first. There were times when I had my exit strategy and was ready to go. If I hadn't gotten pregnant with the twin bios with DH so soon after we married, I would have bailed out really early on. I allowed myself to be demoralized and was afraid I couldn't make it on my own (never a good reason to stay with anyone, by the way). I don't look back on those years with fondness. Having my own bios was my best accomplishment. My energy went to raising them right. They are wonderful young adults.
Now, BM is dead, MIL is a senile old fool, SD41 still sees us at her convenience (when gifts for her are involved or she wants something) and SD41 still treats us like dog crap on her shoe. DH and MIL still act like SD41 is an honored guest and fall all over themselves kissing her azz. Still makes me want to puke.
But things have changed. I've hardened my heart in some ways towards all of them. In the past few years, I started detaching. I make no effort to see SD41 or MIL. I do nothing for them. I don't encourage them to visit. If SD41 shows up, I'll go upstairs and fool around on the computer. If DH tries to bring them up, I ignore him and won't respond. They are his problems, not mine. They should never have been my problems.
I can honestly say that if I was to go back now, I'd know my worth as a good woman and I'd stand up for myself, even if it meant leaving with a pair of newborn twins. I'm a good person, a good wife, a good Mom to my bios and I am a kind, loving, emotionally healthy person. I would never have tolerated now, what I did then.
DH has a tattoo of a heart on his chest with BM and SD41's names. I never said anything about it, but they had been divorced for 5 years before I met/married him. He had BM's name blacked out a year or so after we married, but he should have done it sooner or not at all. He never had our bios names tattooed there, or mine. By the way, he has a wonderful, mutually respectful relationship with our bios and is incredibly proud of them. DH was talking the other day about getting another tattoo with my name on it. I told him after 33 years, not to bother. He seemed hurt by this, but I don't care. He should have done it years ago, if he was going to do it at all. It doesn't mean anything now. It's like a really late afterthought. 33 years late. I didn't deserve to be an afterthought.
He tells me how much he loves me, I do love him and we get along pretty good now, but if he ever tries to inject those awful people on me again, I am so gone. I think he realizes it and has regrets, but it's too late for that too.
I would encourage young women to learn, refine and keep current job skills, so they can take care of themselves. And to know their worth. And to listen to their gut instincts. And not to settle for people who won't put them first.
This reply really speaks to
This reply really speaks to me - I'm ten years in and can relate to a lot of these feelings. A horrendous pig of a BM (even though I was lucky enough not to have to deal with her much), a guilt-ridden father, and damaged nightmare trainwreck skids have taken a tremendous toll on my physical and emotional health. I honestly know that I will never feel the same about DH as I did in the beginning. Too much pain and destruction scarring the relationship
Thanks for sharing Krispy
Thanks for sharing Krispy Kreme. I could not live like this for years b/c I'm afraid of being in your position later in life.
(I'm not putting your life down-just saying it's not a good place to be when life in later years is supposed to be good times til the end).
I'm disembarked from the
I'm disembarked from the Crazy Train and I'm feeling pretty good about it. I'm so glad this site exists, there is a real need for it. I want step-parents everywhere to understand that they don't have to go down this road. It is so easy to get caught up in the drama and dysfunction of your SO's previous relationships.
Be careful who you give your heart to. Make sure they are worthy of you. Don't allow them to suck you in because they will and since you want to please them/save them, you'll probably jump in feet first. BM/skids are their mess. They made it, they need to own it and fix it like a grownup. Or you need to bid them goodbye. And by the same token, If you have a mess from previous relationships, please leave the new SOs out of it. Unless you want your new relationship to run into the ditch too.
It is easier to stand up for yourself if you can support yourself. Always have a backup plan. Don't become too dependent on a guilty daddy/mommy. Don't let other people define your sense of self-worth (hard for most people-pleasing women).
Set boundaries from the start, stick up for yourself, detach from skids, inlaws and anyone else who doesn't support you or treat you with respect. Don't keep giving people second, third, fourth chances to change, if they haven't changed already, they probably won't.
Be wary around skids. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve for skids because they will rip your heart out and crap on it.
You don't have to like/love each other, but if people want respect, they need to show respect. Start watching Dog Whisperer. Cesar Milan has tips that apply to people too.
Refuse to interact with BM, she isn't your problem. BMs are as important as last week's newspaper. She had her chance, now she needs to go get her own life and stay out of yours.
That phrase "for the sake of the children" and "you knew what you were getting into" is just BS made up by someone who is trying to manipulate you or step on you. If we knew what we were getting into, we wouldn't have gotten into it (DUH!). You have to keep you eyes open to all the trickery or you will become part of their chaos yourself.
That is why I've become a great fan of detachment. You don't have to have a big blow-up, no drama or ultimatums required. Just quietly resist their efforts to use and abuse you.
My new motto is: Resist We Much!
^^^^^^^^^YES!!!^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^YES!!!^^^^^^^^^
Children should see their
Children should see their Moms model what a moral, strong, healthy, capable woman is and how such a woman behaves. And how a healthy marriage works. Not as 3rd class citizens. Putting up with it teaches girls that this is normal and what they should expect. It isn't normal and I don't want my DD to ever tolerate this treatment. Thank God my girl is strong and feisty! God help the man who tries to step on my baby! Unlike me, she married a man with no prior baggage. She's waited until she earned her BS degree and bought their house before thinking about children.
I hope to be a Grandma someday without having my heart torn out by divorces and exe's drama. Or see my kids have their hearts torn out. My son is single and has made sure he has no kids. He hasn't found the right one yet, but he's not very interested in single moms. They've both seen what went on in our family and want no part of it. They are torn between pity, distrust and disgust for their half-sister. They don't bother with her and her games. It is too bad because some single parents are fine people and some skids are good skids, but the crazies give everyone a bad rep and you'll never know who to trust.
This is just my opinion so
This is just my opinion so please do not take any offense.
You have already stated you have a built resentment after arguments/fights over the BM and non biological child invading your life. I will say one thing and its a hateful thing because I get it said to me and even tho its true its hard to take in and deal with and that is you knew what you were getting yourself into with the child. I believe you cant understand why he is putting the child over you, but this is no different than a step parent accepting the role of a step parent. He has abandonment issues and this is probably his major drive to continue doing what he is.
What I do not agree with is him always placing this child over you, on your wedding day it should have been only about you and him and to be honest this has set the tone for the rest of your relationship and the signs should have made you question if this is what you wanted back then. Its evident that he will always put this child first and that's not because there is something wrong with you or he loves you less, its his own issues coming through and unless they are sorted(counseling) you will deal with them for the rest of your life. However the signs were there and you chose to ignore them.
Now IMHO what you need to do is sit him down and be fully honest, tell him what you expect of the relationship and how you really feel no arguments or dig taking. I am of the firm belief that in a step parent situation the adult relationship is the most important as it shows the kid how relationships should be. If he is not willing to change or at least give a little I would think about moving on, no point staying if you feel like you are just existing.
I do not take any offense and
I do not take any offense and I don't think it was hateful. Quite often people DO know what they are getting into and that's fine. I've been in those positions in the past and I accepted my role in choosing the situation. I knew I'd have a few things to deal with -always is that when it comes to someone with kids.
I'm not going to rehash earlier posts (and I didn't know how to save them when I first joined site a few months ago) but I will say that what I have now is NOT what I was dealing with so I did not know what I was getting into. I now believe that getting married added a level of security to both DH and BM -they suddenly had a built-in permanent sitter, DH had an added income in the home which meant BM can ask for more $ and stuff. BM got a lapband the month we married and her weight loss upped her social life tremendously so she always had reason to dump the kid. Her other sitters were wore out with her. So all of these elements became fact after marriage. I did not live with him before Marriage and actually got along okay with BM before as well. My mistake was not waiting at least one more year before marriage... I think that time would've revealed a clearer picture for me.
I was not 3rd while dating and the child was largely a non-factor as DH only had him 1-2 times per week. If there were any of this happening before marriage, I would have been out of there with a quicknesss! Lol I do plan to talk to DH about counseling for himself and doing some of my own too. Perhaps it'll reveal to him his issues and to us, better ways to deal with the differences we feel about the whole situation. Fingers crossed!
The problem is OP's husband
The problem is OP's husband doesn't WANT to do any of this.
Correct beaccountable, it's
Correct beaccountable, it's not his kid. BM had affair and he kid was the result. For first 7-9 months she claimed postpartum and didn't touch the boy and said she 'couldn't' bond with him. Around that time, husband figured out that it wasn't his b/c the child was too dark and didn't have any of his features (child is a different race). But due to he'd already bonded with baby and his own issues with abandonment, fatherlessness, he kept the Father role. He did divorce her but did not change birth certificate to remove paternity.
They have no legal agreements-everything is voluntary. She can not come after him for formal child support but that does not stop her from asking for ton of money or him from giving it. Boy doesn't know (yet) that DH is not his real Father; he knows his skin color is not the same and asks but they lie and brush him off. She said she'd never tell real Father about him. We don't know if that's true; she's skanky enough to be getting money from both. DH is blind but getting better lately since I did disengage and won't keep the kid anymore. (The kid has become a spitting image in behavior as his Mother and I can't tolerate that any longer). But like I said...still feel angry about how long this has been happening and I'm afraid of what I have to deal with in future.
It's the same here. When we
It's the same here. When we have peaceful times, all it takes is for Dh to mention talking to BM or what she asked for and I get hot. I just wish these people would GO AWAY. Lol If DH wanted to be in Father Role I'm honestly okay with that. It's the HOW it plays out that is the real issue. The lying about the paternity to the kid, the manipulation by both, the gullible DH...ugh!
I didn't always dislike the BM. Yes, she'd did a bad thing but I didn't want to judge her solely on that. It took me time watching her in actions before determining she didn't just make a mistake with her affair and the boy; the lying, selfishness, using people--that's her character. It's who she is and that's when I stopped liking her. As SS grows older (he was 4 when I met DH and is going to be 9 in Jan) he is showing himself to be just like her. If my marriage ends, this will be the reason as we are okay in all other regards. That's what makes me sad.