Yes - I understand. You are frustrated and feel like you are living in a war zone. Unfortunately it will not get better for you until you disengage. Your DH won't like it because it won't be convenient for him. I did it and it saved our marriage and my child. My son was being affected by all the animosity in the house with SD14. His son was as well. I calmed down and learned to walk away from frustrations with her. Best thing for us is now she doesn't live here anymore. When I started to disengage, DH had to step up. She didn't like rules and chose to live with mom. It was easier for everyone to blame me. But, no rules makes for unruly kids. DH finally saw it and unfortunately for her it was too late. Step back now and protect your kid...

"...no rules makes for unruly kids"

And, you should seen what unbelievable adults they become if you think they are bad as kids! I think disengagement is the answer, too. Like Jsmom, I became calmer and less frustrated because I just don't care anymore! I no longer worry about the adult stepkids and the lives they lead. It is not my problem. I wasn't there to create it, I am unable to control it or change it, so I just let go. And, if feels good! It does seem to make our marriage relationship better too!

hbell you have to let it go and go and go and go and go.

blender, THis is me to a t. "I am good at being DHs wife. I am good at being a mother to my bio-kids. I failed miserably at anything to do with the skids because it was never enough, or I went the extra mile and it went unnoticed so I was upset"

What can it hurt if you try dissengaging and it fails?

Blender, that is a great post. I think it is SO difficult to have a blended family (we couldn't make it work, but that was mainly d/t the situation on my exbf's side). I think just concentrating on being a good partner/wife to someone and being a good mom to your biokids are enough. Yes, when the skids are around, you're still there and yes, you can be warm and do things if you feel like it...and not do things if you don't feel like it. I think if women aren't focused on blending, winning a child's affection (often impossible), or trying to be a special friend and instead being themself I think we'd all feel better.

I think sometimes we try so hard to please we actually make things worse. The more you try, give, do...the higher the bar is set. The law of diminishing returns. I think some of these kids naturally exploit our attempts to be good stepmoms (probably unconsciously?) and it makes us look weak in their eyes, if that makes any sense. It's like super nice guys that are doormats to bitchy women who do not deserve them and will not give them the time of day.

Refocus on being a wife and mother, don't be the "easy target". When you re-focus and truly do, the dissengaging doesn't feel like dissengaging, you just wont focus on the shit with SD.