DH cherry picking when I am his wife...or when I am not. Would love advice
Earlier this year DH added me to his car insurance and I got a much better rate under his plan. The new bill came in and it’s way more expensive than it was. Seemingly the insurance company didn’t catch the two fender benders I had, both were my fault. I readily admit I was careless and preoccupied and have since been much more careful. When DH saw the new bill he told me he was kicking me off the insurance and I need to get my own again. I am so very hurt and angry. We both earn the same and I have gone half on everything for years, vacations, all household expenses etc. Even though his two kids are the only minors now, for four years I have continued to go half on everything, my own kids are older and out on their own. I have also turned a blind eye to the fact that he pays child support and also buys 100% of the kids clothing, school supplies, extracurricular etc. he never holds his ex wife to her share and I have kept quiet for peace sake. Am I over reacting to this? I feel that he is cherry picking when he wants me to chip in on everything but now his attitude is that I am on my own for car insurance. It’s not really the money that bothers me so much as his attitude. Advice?
My advice? Stop paying for
My advice? Stop paying for half of everything. If there are 3 of them and one of you, it's nonsense that you're splitting everything 50/50. It should be 75/25 as far as mortgage/rent, utilities and groceries. Cut your contribution to what is fair and see what your DH thinks of that. I'd be pretty pissed in your situation.
Agreed! Although, insurance
Agreed! Although, insurance can be a witch with accidents. Why can't you just pay the difference, OP? It doesn't affect his license at all right?
I have been paying half the
I have been paying half the bill. It seems though that if a married couple pay together and one has a bad driving record, the person with the good driving record also goes up. His has gone up by 500 a year by being associated with mine. I can understand his annoyance at that but given that I have been paying half of all bills for a few years, it seems cheap on his part. His reaction is...why should I suffer because of your driving record. I never hear him complaining at the money he saves by splitting all household bills with me. DH is generous at birthdays and stuff and I never wanted to nickel and dime over everything but now he is!!
It's annoying to be you
It's annoying to be you especially since he's paying above and beyond CS to make BM's life easier! Let me guess- she doesn't work or works a very simple job?
She works but spends a lot on
She works but spends a lot on herself. The only store she shops at is Nordstrom. Weekly massages, Botox etc.
Well isn't she fortunate that
Well isn't she fortunate that your hubby is still providing for skids like he's married to her? You definitely need to split finances 75/25 if he wants to be so petty. He'd be paying for himself, skids, and a home anyway if you weren't around.
this is scary to me as sd
this is scary to me as sd just had a baby. her husband does ot have a stable job and dh is going them loads of money.
dh paid for almost all of the wedding and groom and bm chipped in only pennies.
where is pride of this new father to provide for his wife and child while lettint his fil pay for it all.
I think you should only pay
I think you should only pay your fractional part of the bills and his kids time and use of things at YOUR home should be factored into the payment as well, if he chooses to go down this road. Then, you will pay for your own car insurance and still have extra money in your pocket.
I think you should only pay
I think you should only pay your fractional part of the bills and his kids time and use of things at YOUR home should be factored into the payment as well, if he chooses to go down this road. Then, you will pay for your own car insurance and still have extra money in your pocket.
My advice would depend
My advice would depend strictly on the financial factors. Here's how I'd break it down and decide from there:
Combined Insurance = $X, DH-Solo Insurance = $Y, Anna-Solo Insurance = $Z
If X < Y+Z, then sit down and show the numbers to your DH and be prepared to pay the amount that his went up when you were added. You are still better off than you were before.
If X = Y+Z, then you can either do the same as above or just go back to separate insurance for the sake of marital harmony.
If X > Y+Z, then it's stupid NOT to go back to separate insurance. Why would you want to pay more just to have both names on the bill instead of individual?
ONLY once you've figured out the insurance costs and dealt with that issue alone, should you go into a discussion about the rest of the financial decisions. Money and finances are difficult topics, especially in 'blended' families. Trying to draw too much into a single discussion is a recipe for disaster. So once the insurance issue is dealt with, you can bring up the 50/50 finances dynamic and how hurt you are by his actions. Point out that when your children left the home and became self-supporting, you continued to split all costs evenly and didn't complain about having to suffer with lower 'fun' savings because his children are younger than yours.
X is indeed greater than Y +
X is indeed greater than Y + Z so I agree it’s best to keep separate insurance. Thanks for the formula! My heart is leading rather than my head and it’s the way DH reacted, rather than the math. I have always worked hard and paid my way so I don’t expect him to pay my car insurance. But my insurance being costly means I have to insist on the 75/25 split while his kids are with us (half the time) which is what he is now angry about. Couples fighting is almost always about money. This feels like I am being used for money and it hurts
Iike hell. It’s great to get advice on this and I thank you
Now the cat is out of the
Now the cat is out of the bag,,, accidents cane up on your record. You will pay more if you go back to your old insurance, if you become a NEW policy you can go into assign risk. And pay a lot more. Just go to 25. /75. And pay husband the difference in insurance
Why is it 75/25 when kids are with you. Why not the total month ? You are maintaining a house with bed rooms for the kids. When they are at there Mothers the rooms are still there.
Rent should be 74/25 all the time
Kids eat more expensive food then adults. So food should be split 75/25 all the time
You make a very good point I
You make a very good point I hadn’t thought of that. We do have a bigger house than we need because of his two kids.. plus the electric is running all the time too, cable etc. I was looking at it as 75/25 only half the time. But you are right!
I hate this crap big time!!
I hate this crap big time!! Cherry picking as you call it. Good label. Why are SMs always treated like sloppy seconds, even by their own DHs!? Sometimes I think we are all nuts for ever agreeing to marry men with children.
Yes! My DH wouldn’t hesitate to drive his ex- all over the place. He drove and paid for gas. Now, for me, it is something along the lines of, “I drove last time, so you can drive this time.” I try to tell myself things like I want a more equal relationship, he deserves a more equal relationship, and so on. BUT, all it took was once incident, after we had been married for 10+ years, to see him catering to his ex's every whim at an event and not even giving me so much as a caring glance, for me to figure out a heck of a lot more was going on than that. Crapola! I don’t want a mouse. I want a husband and a man. I didn’t expect Prince Charming, but I expected one to at least have more love for me than fear of his ex-.
Maybe we all need to sit down with our husbands, and I have been seriously thinking about doing this, and have a long chat with him about we are husband and wife and not husband and what’s-her-name. Kids pick up on this too, and that feeds into their belief, even as adults that SM is dad’s object and can be treated however they choose. They saw dad put their mom on some sort of pedestal. It may have been out of fear, but it was still a pedestal, and now they see dad hitting SM up for her share of the meal when they go out or see dad telling SM she needs to pay him extra this month for all of the electricity her mom and dad used when they came over for the week. Kids see this, and they further think dad and SM are more like casual roommates than husband and wife. It sucks! Yep. Time to have that talk with DH that I should have had lo-o-ng ago.
Are your stepkids on DH's
Are your stepkids on DH's policy foe vehicle insurance? I just realized his kids are probably about 16 for the son and 18 or 19 for the girl now.
Ss15 is on his insurance and
Ss15 is on his insurance and it’s free till he is 16 which will be Soon. SD19 has her own insurance but DH pays for it. When she turned 18 he put the money he saved on CS into her bank account instead of her mothers. I don’t know why we put up with crap like this. I know for me that my self esteem and self value was not good for years as a result of an abuser years ago. I have been working really hard on myself these past few years and getting my self value back. This is the straw that is breaking this donkeys back!! Bottom line is that I married him and I take ownership of that. It’s funny how one little thing like car insurance can make the doormat tattoo on my forehead disappear.
I could have been anything
I could have been anything that did this. All you needed as one concrete, quantifiable situation that you could say "this is t fair and it's not just because of my feelings".
Yes, it was his rejection
Yes, it was his rejection that hurt. Take this opportunity to adjust all the bill paying. Pay your own insurance, but also tell your DH, " I will be paying this, this, and this, along with my insurance.
DO NOT tell him what he will be paying (just causes a fight), just pay what you feel you need to be paying, and let it go.
TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO RE-ARRANGE THE BILLS and YOUR BUDGET WITH HIM. }:)
Let him figure out the rest of the bills, with no fight from you. We have a similar arrangement, because I am helping my Father (101 yrs. young). Therefore, everything is in Joint accounts, but my retirement is deposited in a separate account. It works well, but I don't let DH take advantage of my helping out with household also, which I do.
If this is effecting his premiums by $500, change it back and then move forward until your record is clear.