I can write a novel on this....and I'm qualified being as though I am about to graduate from Liberty U with a degree in biblical counseling. I am a SD and it is extremely difficult. My situation is a bit different because the BD was out of the picture until the kid was 5. She always saw me as her dad because I was introduced into her life when she was 1 and 1/2. It is extremely difficult especially when the bio other...whatever they are...doesn't want your involvement. I think it comes down to knowing your value without having to prove it to anyone. No matter how awesome you are as a SM, you will never add up in the eyes of the other bio parent.. actually it makes it worse when you are a good parent because their insecurities cause them to act out in unorthodox and especially un-Christian ways. Your commitment has to be to the Lord before any child. First and foremost honor the Lord...everything else will pan out in time. God tells you to love...so love... but make sure that you are not entertaining insecurities or selfish motives and you will be fine....the heart is deceptive....always honor the Lord with your actions... If the child wants your affection or opinion they will certainly ask.. just be patient and wait on them...any forcing on your part will only worsen the situation..oh, and you never know what BM says about you to make the kids bias against you...I'm just putting that out there

I have a confession to make, I struggle with this very thing. I pray to God for love, patience and tolerance. I have to also confess that I have jealousy issue towards my stepchild. I get very aggravated with the way my BF allows him to treat me and my son, its like he turns the other cheek. Like he feels justified in allowing his son to be a spoiled brat because he doesn't get to see him much. I have tried talking to him about my feelings and he tells me that i am the devils helper. I feel so guilty at times because of my feelings. I have gone as far as sendign my child away when his step-brother comes into town to keep the peace.

This holiday break, I finally had a break-thru...my SS actually communicated with me for a while. So I know God hears and answers prayers. But I still have a lot of praying and asking of foregivess until I get it right. This gives me hope and I don't feel so devilish knowing that this is a natural feeling that all step-parents may feel.

I've actually just decided to stop "trying" so hard to win my SS affections. I've stopped trying to make his dad understand, because in the end they don't (not in the natural), but God can. When you ask God for forgiveness in yoru prayers, ask that of your spouse as well. Also ask God to change both of your hearts in the process. And remember when Jesus was on the cross, he asked God to forgive them, for they knew not what they were doing...that's for the child!

mamas1gurl - your last paragraph has hit home with me. I will pray not just for myself but for my DH also. And my SD ....

I agree with StepAside. I like Ron Deal a lot because of the sound advice he offers to bio-parents, stepparents, and stepkids. Here's a link that might help you. At the end, it talks about expecting stepkids to treat the stepparent with the same civility and obedience they show a teacher or coach.

http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:XcVXZ0zgWbcJ:www.su...

Step parents catch a lot of heat and I feel that it is because there is such a riff where there used to be and people need someone to blame. In my case the BD blames me for taking his wife and child...I guess it had nothing to do with him sleeping around, being strung out on drugs, and moving four hundred miles away... I always remember that Joseph was a step parent too and he pretty much gave us the template for being such...give your life in sacrifice of raising and nourishing a child and be prepared for someone else to get all of the glory.. it really is a sacrificial position to be in..

I struggled with really "unChristian" feelings towards my stepkids' mother. I loathed her with a loathing that I didn't even know I was capable. There were times I could easily have said that I hated her.

I'll tell you what I did. I started praying for BM. It was really, really, really hard. And for a long time, I would pray for her knowing that they were nothing but words. After a while, I started realizing that it was getting easier to say those words. And I've learned that it is nearly impossible to hate someone you are praying for.

Nowadays, I consider her my challenge. How will I react to the things she says and does? Am I mature enough to ignore it? Am I focused enough to keep my mind calm when she starts her nutty behavior? Can I remain centered in the midst of chaos? I don't always win. But it gets a little easier every time.

Regardless of belief system, I think we are on this planet to learn. And sometimes the people we despise can teach us the most.

I strugle with this every day! I pray all the time not to have negative feelings toward my ss10. Sometimes I dont want him around and I feel HORRIBLE for it! I constantly remind meself that he is a child of God and there is a reason he is on this earth. This is something I never thought I would strugle with. My parents are divorced, have been since I was 6 and I had a SM for 12 and have had my SD for 20 years. This experience has made me appreciate the heck out of my SD, it also gives me great insight as to why my SM treated mt the way she did. I know if I continue to pray my heart will be changed and eventually I will welcome this little guy into our lives!
back story. My DH and I have been together for 8.5 years, his son has never been around, he lived in another state. They moved back 2.5 yrs ago, so this is a HUGE adjustment for me!

i'm struggling with this myself.....struggling hard too

I don't have an answer for you, but our pastor said something one day that really resonated with me. As parents, it is our job to trim the branches that don't bear fruit. Just like a fruit tree, if you take out the branches that aren't producing something good, you encourage the other branches to produce even more fruit. DH thought this analogy was just horrible because he thinks you shouldn't try to "change" people. He actually told me, when SD was 8, that she was too old to change. Huh? My BD is 7, and you can bet I'm going to be trying to guide her and "change" her bad behavior her entire life. I'm not going to stop when she's 8 because she's magically reached some "too old" age.

I don't think disengaging is "unChristian." There are only so many times you can turn the other cheek. At some point I had so much hatred and loathing in my heart for both DH and SD that if I hadn't disengaged I don't know what would have happened. I had to give up any idea of trying to grow SD into a decent human being and just accept that this was not what she, DH, or BM wanted. It's their kid, let them shape her as they will. Now she's 17 and they KNOW she does drugs, steals, has been drinking since 9th grade, got a minor in possession ticket, was getting Fs in school, lies to get what she wants (because it works), is hateful to me simply because I exist, and has almost NO relationship with her two half-sisters. Are they happy with what they got? I don't know and I don't care.