I am a BK-less StepDad.  Obviously, the male experience in not having BKs is significantly different than the female experience.

I have no regrets.  I am not bothered in any way that my wife had SS.  That happened before we met.  I do not lament her past nor do I lament my own.

We have a great life together; we raised my SS-27 together for 16+ years under a custody/visitation/support CO. My DW was the CP for SS's entire life.  I have been his dad since before he was 2yo.

I truly hope your dreams of a baby come true.  Those who have to work for it seem to be far more likely to be great parents.  Certainly compared to so many that many of us struggle with in the blended family opposition.

Not being able to have a child when you want one is a serious grieving process. I have a friend, who is not a stepmom, who found out at age 37, while consulting with a fertility specialist, that she needed a full hysterectomy. She has been processing through her grief for nearly 3 years. I know that it would have been more difficult if she had to raise someone else's child at the same time. 

My advice to you would be to find a good counselor. One who specializes in infertility issues. It's difficult to go through this alone. Also, your DH will have difficulty understanding because he has a child. 

I went through treatment at age 33 and needed an IUI to get pregnant. It took 17 months from when we decided to try until I was pregnant. 

My SD was not planned (not by my husband, planned by cheating BM  and it was a totally different experience for my husband. This baby was planned and wanted and he knew she was his. It's brought us much closer and my life feels complete. It's healed a good deal of the hole my husband had in his heart not being able to see SD.

Currently where you are, but younger. DH had a vasectomy reversal last May, and his sperm analysis in December showed he had a good amount of sperm, but their motility is low. He was supposed to go back in April for a follow-up SA to decide next steps for him.

Some days are fine. Other days? I could curl up into a ball amd just cry. I have days where I just want to give up and others where I'm frantically taking my temp, peeing on OPKs, and checking every body fluid. While I don't resent the boys nearly as much anymore in regards to having my own baby (it was strong when DH and I first got married because we weren't in a financial position yet to try and get pregnant), I am furiously pissed, and will forever be, of BM because of the circumstances that led (or misled) DH to getting a vasectomy in the first place.

To help cope, I've come up with a plan. If I'm not pregnant by August, we're going to go see a fertility specialist. We'll try a few rounds of IUI with DH's sperm, and if that doesn't work, we'll use donor sperm. If that doesn't work, we're going to go the foster-to-adopt route. DH's best friend and his wife struggled for two years to get pregnant and did IUI, and my boss did foster-adopt for her two kids, so I have some support for both those options.

Honestly, having that timeline to "the next step" helped a lot. It also helps now that the kids are older and getting to be more independent. I'm doing less "mom" things, both because of their age and for my own mental health, and that has really lowered the resentment I feel.

If you don't have friends who have been through this, I highly encourage you to make some. It's SO NICE to be able to talk to someone who gets it all - the irrational anger, the random crying, the bursts of anxiety, and the episodes of apathy. My DH is sometimes helpful, but he has kids. He doesn't "get" it.

Good luck to you, dear!

I wish you the very best of luck. I would read about vaginal ph if you haven’t already done so, and possibly add some royal jelly and vitamin c to your diet. Also, are you doing ovulation tests? You may only be ovulating every other cycle. 

I was beginning to have fertility problems due to my age, and when I ‘gave up’ thinking about it I got pregnant. 

Turned out it wasn’t the most memorable **** it was a quicky with a beer! 

Im 50 plus, so that boat has certainly sailed. And SD14 tells me that I am very motherly. I pour out that "mom" energy onto Munchkin SD14, and she loves it, basks in it. But its so hard, because after all that, she toddles back to her HCBM Toxic Troll. To make matters worse, her older sister, Feral Forge SD21 looks JUST like DH when they were both like 12...and I often fantasize that she is what my and his child would perhaps look like, with a MUCH different personality. To add to this particular pain cluster, Munchkin looks almost identical to Toxic Troll.

And in conversation last night with Munchkin, Toxic Trolls niece is pregnant yet again. The first 2 were taken away. She lives in a van with her verbally abusive boyfriend and her 3 year old. And shes pregnant. I would so love to raise that little baby, give it all the love and time and teaching and resources! Then after telling me this, munchkin, in a flash of insight sais "it must be hard to be a step mom with no kids of their own if they want them..." yes, we live in a special section of hell parttime.

My DH, occasionally he will say something sensitive like "maybe its not in Gods Plan for you to have children of your own"

To which I reply without swatting him, "So that Toxic Troll can have children right? Screw that Gods plan crap, it totally sucks that degenerates like your ex get to have children, and folks like me are left in the cold to help raise them."

People with children can be very very insensitive. Ive got stories...

Best wishes to you...its a tough row to hoe.

I can understand some of this feeling. I am not experiencing infertility issues, but my partner is terrified of having children again because he never wants someone else to have the kind of power over him that BM does. She got him in a one night stand and it infuriates me, because he holds me to an insane standard that I feel like I can only prove wrong with a crystal ball, like "See? I'm not trying to get pregnant and leech off your money" which is ridiculous because I'm completely financially independant and make more than him. When I see her my blood boils because I'm probably never going to have a child with him but she gets to when she's a complete loser and I'm judged on her horrible actions. This is the only thing that has ever made me feel negatively about SD because she is a reminder that I'm probably a clown for staying. At this point it's made me question wanting a child with him because he doesn't seem to think I'm worth it. I know it's not quite the same thing, but I think it can definitely change your feelings about being in a blended family.

Basically: this is what really turned my feelings for BM to hate, my feelings about my partner to ambivalence, and my feelings about SD to disconnection. We'll see what happens.