BM Flies off the handle again are we being unreasonable?!
I truly need some insight!
My bf broke it off with BM she was controlling beyond all belief made him miserable but he wanted to see his kids happy. She is also a borderline alcoholic and has been abusive in the past. That being said a 6 months into my bf and I's relationship she was still throwing the word love in her txts even after I had met her children. Any chance she could txts would be sent about things that could wait until trade off....
The biggest annoyance came on fathers day last year when he got a big collage of pictures all from before they separated no recent all placed perfectly (his daughter was 5 at the time). All the writing done by an adult with a little poem about how much he is loved.... BIG frame to boot. Felt like her way of saying "im still here!!" her daughter did draw a heart and sign her name. Birthday and xmas was much the same but not as bad. Here comes this fathers day low and behold daughters name is signed a big list of why "SD" loves her daddy and a perfectly done craft clearly not in capacity of a six year old...
Anyways that is the history I have already posted about... My biggest problem with this is she still tells people she is still married... still makes sure her daughter knows that... because that poor child isn't confused enough! Not to mention she cant seem to go a day without txting for some mediocre reason! I received a heart felt txt from her to my phone the other day saying she was glad for us when you have loved someone you just want to see them happy.... BS
My bf nicely brought up that he understands the kids need help sometimes but he would really appreciate gifts to be made by the children and not receiving gifts from her.... She LOOSES IT! Apparently that's how the kids like to do it and he isn't appreciative....
What can we do?? I am temped to tell SD she keep it in her room at her moms house to remember him and tell her no more gifts if its that complicated. So I should have to walk around my home and have to see her hand written "love letters" on display?? WTF!! By the way SD cannot recall what is hand written by BM she is 6 now. I don't see any problem with me doing gifts with him...
Thoughts?
What I meant is I am tempted
What I meant is I am tempted to tell BM that no more gifts need to be passed if its that complicated. She needs to get over this delusion of being his wife still almost 2 years later. And is it so bad for my to do gift shopping for bf while the kids are here...? I know that seems harsh but so is insisting on not letting her child make something for her father.
Sorry I posted this for help
Sorry I posted this for help on the gift issue I have no desire to entertain a big argument over my choices as to who I have a relationship with nor do I feel the need to explain it any further.... here for help not an argument. I explained the situation I would appreciate if it ended at that. I am in genuine need of some ideas here and I would prefer to get some feedback not have this turn into argument thread pls respect that as I would you!
That's the problem though ..
That's the problem though .. you're addressing the symptoms, not the root of the problem.
Well... When our kids made
Well... When our kids made something for their Dad, he wasn't allowed to keep it anywhere but his office - so to the kids, it felt like their gifts were not "good enough". So we switched to buying gifts for him.
And... ARE they still married? Or is the divorce final?
I would have no problem even
I would have no problem even with BM going out and letting SD pick something or letting SD do the craft on her own! I think it has to do with her need to be involved its one other control thing.... she knows she can hang onto
They have been legally separated for 2 years now... BM wont sign a divorce until the custody/spousal support battle is over. He is aware that he can make a separate claim to finish the process but that would cost more money. Something we don't have with over a years worth of lawyer fees! My problem is how do justify telling a 6 year old girl mommy and daddy don't live together anymore mommy has BF's and daddy has a gf... buuut we are still married. The only thing I can think is that she just isn't over it. I get it you don't just hop out of a marriage but you don't drag your children down either.
Makes sense to me aswell... I
Makes sense to me aswell... I see it ending soon enough I just don't like a child getting dragged into technicalities.
We go to court in 2 months I
We go to court in 2 months I do not expect him to sign off on only seeing his kids every second weekend due to a legality of marriage. I just wish everyone could be reasonable and the SD could see both her parents equally like a normal child. Some people think its as easy as getting a court date tomorrow and its not. Especially when someone has decided they don't want to let their dad see there kids. She btw has no reason to hold them from him his lawyer has told us it is simply a money ploy so she gets more child support. So not it is not a simple choice of coming to an agreement I wish it was as does he. I ask again if you could respect my wishes to not turn this into an argument thread. I am at a loss and would like to do know if I should take the gifts and deal with it or send them back home to their mom if that's who they are made by. I have no problem keeping gifts picked out and my by SD its when I know for a fact that she had nothing to do with them that bothers me.
If the gifts are given to
If the gifts are given to your boyfriend, they're his to do what he wishes with & the circumstances under which they're given are his to address. Not yours.
If your BF is still
If your BF is still married,BM isn't doing anything wrong by telling daughter that.
You can't control the gift giving. Dad can thank daughter for the gift, then toss it out later if he wants.
Yeah, sounds like the BF is
Yeah, sounds like the BF is the one who puts the gifts on display.
WAYYYY too few boundaries here. Why? Because they may be separated physically, they are far from done with each other emotionally.
He does not keep the gifts
He does not keep the gifts they are generally thrown out... he will not even trade the kids with her they get dropped off at day care he does everything he can to avoid her. I am just sick of it and done I am done being the nice one that goes along with the game. I am done catering to her when she has the desire to be nice social with me. BTW she makes an effort to deal with me which is why I am so involved. They cant speak together without causing a big fight. To be honest I cant handle being nice then these jabs... Sick of thinking this woman actually wants to come to an agreement so we don't have to spend more of thousands of dollars in court then having a gift like that brought to my house!
Yet 12 hours before the above
Yet 12 hours before the above post, you wrote that he does NOT throw the gifts out. So which is it? Does he, or does he not? Or do you?
Girlfriend, you are in for a
Girlfriend, you are in for a loonnnggggg drama filled road. Good luck.
I believe that it is damaging
I believe that it is damaging SD... SD continually asks her dad to do things with BM because they are still married. Thinks they will be back together because of it... she is leading her daughter on. No 6 year old should have false hopes and have to understand legalities she needs to be a 6 yr old child. So what the day the papers are signed im allowed to break this girls heart and tell her her parents are divorced now... NO! I for one don't choose to drag this child into the legal BS she should get to be a kid.
Above is not why I am made the post... Am I over reacting does anyone else see this as wrong?? Have you cut off gifts and kept it to in the home. I honestly don't know what to make of this. We cant throw out the gifts my bf would feel horrible as would I and SD would notice she remembers and would be horrified with us.
"My biggest problem with this
"My biggest problem with this is she still tells people she is still married..."
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They ARE still married, so perhaps the biggest problem is that they are still married. If they weren't, she'd be in the wrong.
Marriage implies together. Their daughter has false hopes because her parents are married. Your boyfriend is as responsible for the confusion as BM is, because he is as married to her as she is to him.
What's most damaging is likely the fact that her dad is married to her mom, yet living with somebody else. There's been no closure for her. Your boyfriend moving onto another woman before he finished things with the first one has a lot to do with the confusion & mixed signals his daughter is receiving.
You don't want to address the biggest issue here, but the gifts are minimal when you look at the big picture. If you want the situation to be best for the child, you'd be willing to look at what is affecting her rather than what is affecting you.
Something that you should
Something that you should probably be made aware of now (so it does not take you by surprise when it occurs). Lots and lots of children never stop wanting their parents to get back together. They continue to have this little hope. More a 'secret wishful thought' I guess than real hope.
You BF could already be divorced for all that it a legal paper means in the child's head. A signature on an official form will not magically make the child come to terms with reality of it.
LMAO my parents split when I
LMAO my parents split when I was still in the womb and I wanted my mom to leave my stepdad when his alcoholism got out of control and he became abusive. I wanted my mom and biofather to get back together for years. I was a horrible skid but my mom and stepdad contributed.
Now as a grown adult having gone through the other side of the step situation I don't think about my parents getting back together but if one of my half sibs is being an ass I may mention it. My stepdad has completely mellowed now that he is dying and really it didn't start until last summer when FDH died.
You are stating the obvious,
You are stating the obvious, but thanks for coming out. You and others focus is unbelievable simply asking who else has had this problem and what was done. Wondering if I am reading to much into the gift issue! To be honest my point is the same as yours it does not change SD's feelings why is she being led on more so she shouldn't have to be reminded of legalities its not fair.
My point was that kids
My point was that kids usually want their bioparents together even if they don't remember them being together. It is natural.
I agree with this on handling
I agree with this on handling the gifts. Did I read correctly that the framed artwork was hung on the diningroom wall? I can only ask who thought up that idea?
Children's bedrooms are a great place to tuck away. While the BM really may be trying to needle at you, you do need to remember the child's feelings in how you handle it. Put the framing in her bedroom (hang it on the wall so that the open door hides the thing from your view every time you walk into the room). Outta sight, outta mind. Same thing with smaller items like snapshots. Give SD a photobook to keep in her room to keep photos in. Maybe even the two of you (child/you) make a crafty keepsake box. One big enough to hold her little treasures yet small enough to scoot under the bed.
Again. It's more about outta sight, outta mind while not hurting the child's feelings. Right now kid has no idea what she gave Dad for FD was likely meant from BM to kick at you or a an attempt to insert BM's way into your home.
Requesting the BM to knock it off rather just plays right into BM's hands. She got you all riled up and she knows full well the 'knock it off' request BF delivered was sent because the item upset you.
I like the bedroom thing I
I like the bedroom thing I don't know why I did not think of that! I feel like 10 Ibs have been lifted off my shoulders! Surprisingly BM is not blaming me for this one. I know this because she has in the past and when she does I know. Just wasn't sure if I was reading into intentions and fighting a battle that should just be left be. I know there are fights that are better left behind for sure this seems to be one of them just needed a solution so I didn't go nuts in the process! I think SD wanted it hung and that's where it was put. I think she will be just as happy with it in her room though.
True enough that is a good
True enough that is a good idea with her room aswell thanks for the input
See my earlier post...Sorry I
See my earlier post...Sorry I posted this for help on the gift issue I have no desire to entertain a big argument over my choices as to who I have a relationship with nor do I feel the need to explain it any further.... here for help not an argument. I explained the situation I would appreciate if it ended at that. I am in genuine need of some ideas here and I would prefer to get some feedback not have this turn into argument thread pls respect that as I would you!
My divorce took 19 months
My divorce took 19 months because the x fought everything and my state has a 6 month waiting period. There are other states with 12 month waiting periods and some with no waiting period. Very possible for divorce to take longer than a year.
Where I used to live, even
Where I used to live, even the easiest of divorces take more than a year. You must be separated 12 months before you can file for divorce. Then you must get an appointment with a court approved attorney who reviews your file and asks you some questions (e.g. is there any chance of reconciliation, have you slept together even one night during your separation, etc). Then the court approved attorney provides his/her recommendation, signs the paperwork and forwards to the courts for final approval of the judge. My divorce was simple with no fighting at all and its still took 17 months to finalize my divorce. And I was highly motivated.
my problem is not her telling
my problem is not her telling people its her pushing it on her daughter so much that her daughter is confused and reminding us daily that mom and dad are still married. She is putting a 6 yr old in the middle and using her to feel powerful. I don't find it appropriate if you wanna tell someone your still married shoot me a txt, hell put a posting in the damn newspaper I don't care but don't bring your daughter down.
^^^^ well put I get your
^^^^ well put I get your point I just hate to see it being drug out for SD. I don't understand why such a point is being made repeatedly to such a young child. If it comes up sure done lie to her but it almost seems like BM reminds her of it... Which is why the gifts concern me because of all these other manipulative efforts. When I say SD knows I say that because it honestly comes across like my SD is being reminded purposely by BM just don't think its fair esp since in the next couple of months that is going to change.
I was just commenting that
I was just commenting that not all states allow for divorces to be finalized in less than a year. I hate seeing it drug out too. Children don't deserve to be spoon fed false hope.
How do I stop my BF's wife
How do I stop my BF's wife from giving him gifts and telling their daughter that they are still married.
To be fair she brings up last
To be fair she brings up last years present only to show the pattern, this years is mentioned too. That it's not a one off.
The divorce situation is also explained, and besides the point.
I'm legally separated from my ex husband but not divorced yet. Same with my SO. When the other half is being difficult it takes longer to finalise things. We just haven't gotten the finalities done, doesn't make us still married, we are legally separated, and to tell a young child mummy and daddy are still married is damaging the child, whilst it may legally be true.
Its funny how you think he
Its funny how you think he hasn't which he has by the way if you read the original post :). Now she has lost it and I am wondering if we should just start sending them back due to BM's attitude when he nicely asked for her to lay off.... This was point of my entire post was BM's reaction to BFs request I am simply asking if we should ignore or give futures presents back.
My partner is just that my
My partner is just that my partner if he stands up for his family and is faced with another situation. WE discuss where to go further then HE deals with it. In fact BM has gone to talking to me over him in some cases when she felt she needed to. I don't see why I don't have that right if she does. Either way WE do discuss where to go in problematic situations that does not mean I will be off to call BM. I refuse to be a silent partner that is no place to be in.
AnaR, I agree with you on the
AnaR, I agree with you on the marriage comments, very harmful for the daughter and no point to it at all. Pointing out to the OP that they are still married is just arguing semantics. OP, I think in step situations people forget that it is pointless to ask for something out of their control if the other party is hostile. In fact it can bring the crazy train more often, because the person likes to show you what you can't control. Let the gift stuff go.
Thanks lady's I was thinking
Thanks lady's I was thinking the same to much anger right now as is. I am so sick of being the bigger person! UGGG
My DH wasn't divorced for 1.5
My DH wasn't divorced for 1.5 years until after we met. We've been together over 20 years. It's nobody's judgemental business what your relationship status is.
As far as the creepy BM gifts...we've had them too. Just put it in her room and as she gets older make sure it just seems like the normal thing to do.
Our BM was and is crazy and ended up dumping the skids on us for good just before we were married. She dragged her feet with the divorce, would complain about every word, space and comma. Hang in you might be in for a bumpy ride that will be worth it in the end.
I sure most of us never met
I sure most of us never met our SO's until well after they divorced.
Many people run for the hills when they find out the person they are dating is still married.
Yeah...I mean are they still
Yeah...I mean are they still filing taxes together? Because legally they can.
In my former state you can
In my former state you can obtain a limited divorce. You are divorced, but you can't remarry until the absolute divorce is finalized.
He is also free to file for
He is also free to file for divorce.
It really says something when you "separate" and don't file. What's the hold up? File already...
It is filed it is also filed
It is filed it is also filed with a custody battle they come hand in hand until there is an agreement.
Actually they do not. You can
Actually they do not. You can have the divorce finalized and still fight custody issues. My former BIL did just this because his ex was a nasty piece of work.
Yes you can if you have extra
Yes you can if you have extra cash laying around which we don't.
^^^ my goodness someone who
^^^ my goodness someone who gets it
It never fails to surprise me
It never fails to surprise me that new (and sometimes old) posters get attacked here by the morally superior brigade.
Anywho... Nothing you can really do about the gifts. (I really don't think you should.) It will work out as SD gets older.
And YES...the BM is a f ing idiot if she is still making the child believe the are married. Even if it is true, there is no reason to screw the kid up more like that.
^^^ my point exactly thank
^^^ my point exactly thank you!
If she's unwilling to sign,
If she's unwilling to sign, he can still file with the courts and make it happen. The state won't force him to stay married to her just because she doesn't want a divorce.
In my state, you have a mandatory 12 month waiting period for no-fault divorces. The spouse can contest and get another year. After that, it goes to court. Laywers here tend to advise you to settle everything you can out of court and file your divorce agreement at the same time you file for divorce. But if the STBex won't agree and sign, he can go ahead without it.
The process sucks .. I was lucky my first marriage ended amicably and we did all of the filing/court stuff ourselves. Never even consulted a lawyer .. but we also didn't have kids.
All you have to do is file
All you have to do is file with the court. My exH and I did it. It STARTS the process. It sounds like this OP's SO is stuck in a negotiation phase of the divorce. If he files with the court, it will start the clock on the amount of time they have to get it worked out before going to court.
If he can show that they've reasonable negotiated up to this point but no resolution can be reached (hence no divorce after 2 years), a judge will consider what they've agreed to or negotiated on.
It can cost a lot more though, like you said. The biggest risk being that filing may piss her off and open a whole new can of worms. I guess it's just up to this man to determine what's more important .. keeping the new SO happy, or keeping the ex happy.
They haven't even filed? Oh
They haven't even filed? Oh dear...
I have stated several times
I have stated several times including my main post that we have filed there has been a court battle for over a year now.
"We"? There is no "we" in
"We"? There is no "we" in this. Get real.
Yes HE you know that's what I
Yes HE you know that's what I meant to be frank you are making a fool of yourself. This is no longer about your opinion its about personally attacking me. We all get it you don't agree with my relationship. If you have an opinion about the gift express it that is all.
I don't appreciate nit
I don't appreciate nit picking I wont take it, your posts on the other hand are good and informative... yes I think your right I need to vent on here and not let her see she bothers me. This is something harder said then done.
"I don't appreciate nit
"I don't appreciate nit picking I wont take it" dtzyblnd is not nit picking here, she is stating facts and she is one of the smartest people on this site.
Answers will get torn apart but that is bc we care and are here to help. Getting to the root of the problems is the only way to resolve anything. Many of us have learned it the hard way sadly to say.
That is the problem but it
That is the problem but it seems to be coming to an end we stand infront of the judge in a couple months. Which is why I think I will just leave the gift issue. We do make a point letting her know at least once if something is happening that he or I are not comfortable ie he politely asks her to cease if she is doing something out of line. Recently she had a problem with our home life blamed me and contacted just me I guess now I almost feel that I have the right to do the same if she feels that way. I guess I should just back off though and take the attacks/ignore them. Really sick of the "nice guy" routine it gets old!
Good point and in court that
Good point and in court that is the route we are taking but in our home I support him and he supports me that's just the way we are. But we have been told that by our lawyer as well. To be frank we are happy to be married either way would not bother us a bit except for the cost of a wedding. That being said as far as court go he is put across as a single dad just how it has to be.
The only thing wrong here is
The only thing wrong here is the childs involvement :?
Do what twoviewpoints said. I
Do what twoviewpoints said. I understand why BF is not divorced yet. Everything cost money that sometimes we don't have. SD is only 6 there's no need to explain anything to her at this point. Let the explaining come from BF. If SD asked you question refer her to BF. All the adult matters need to stay just that at this point. Shame on BM for hammering home to SD that they are still married. Even while it may be true. BM should be helping SD learn to move forward and BM is keeping her trapped by words. That's BM way of not letting go. Until the divorce is final stay out of any verbal conversation to SD about BF and BM business. Don't burden SD with adult talk. DH and I always tell SS we will explain things to you when you are older and see things better. Then we just drop it. Kids don't want to really hear that stuff anyway.
I agree that BF not being
I agree that BF not being "officially" divorced is not the issue here. At this point it is just semantics. BM is delusional and all you and BF can really do about it is explain in a kid-friendly manner that mommy and daddy are not together. Your situation is not that unique. I've known plenty of people that have been separated for years without anything being finalized. Sometimes it takes a while and is out of one person's control. That doesn't make you or BF bad people, it just makes a hard situation even more difficult :(.
For the gift, when skid was an infant (before I was in the picture, BM and DH were never married or together after skid was born), BM made a frame and signed it, "Love skid and BM". Since skid was an infant and it was DH's first father's day, he wanted to keep the frame, so he just erased BM's name. In your case, I may have SD draw a picture or something like that to replace BM's note and maybe slowly replace pictures with more recent pictures of SD and BF. Make it fit your home. For this year's gift, just put it in a "special box" and forget about it. Something that has prevented my skid's BM from doing the same is me doing crafts with skid for DH, that way I can always tell BM we've already gotten a gift or skid will (she eventually stopped trying, it really only took 1-2 times). I think the more BF or you tell BM NOT to do something, the more she is going to do it.
BM has been told to stop
BM has been told to stop multiple times it seems to make it worse we just ignore it now. Its annoying but I know how he feels so it does not matter.
I think the moral of this
I think the moral of this story (pun intended)is that when you (generic you), the adult, chose to date or cohabitate with a person who is still legally married to another person who has a young child, expect drama. Expect awkwardness. Expect being in uncomfortable situations. Expect being jealous because you are with someone who is not 100% emotionally available for you. He has a live-in girlfriend, his young child, and his wife to deal with. I cannot imagine trying to balance that, not that I feel sorry for him.
I personally feel for the child in this situation. She must be seriously confused. It seems her best interests are not in the forefront here. She is being subjected to parents whose "I want to feel good" egos trump what is best for her. That's sad.
Yup. It's more about parents
Yup. It's more about parents getting back at each other, trying to get back with each other, or doing whatever they want to be happy .. it's about winning more than it is about taking care of this child.
Very sad indeed.
It is almost hedonistic...ok
It is almost hedonistic...ok not quite, but it's well on its way there.
^^^ yes this is true all we
^^^ yes this is true all we can do is have a supporting and loving home for SD to come to and she is doing well with that thank goodness!
I don't care who is married
I don't care who is married to whom.
You can only control your own actions. My vote is to ignore the BM. Why do you care that she still tells people they are married. She can still say that even if they had been legally divorced for years. She can say anything.
As for these stupid gifts proclaiming her love - just put them in a safe place for his daughter. Like in a box that is up in the attic or in a basement. Nobody is forcing you to hang that crap on your walls.
There are other boards about marriage/infidelity that encourage people to "fight for their marriage" and never let go. I can just see some of those posters telling her to "wait it out" because he is still "in the fog".
It's your relationship. Just treat BM like a nut bag and ignore her.
Agreed
Agreed
Thanks!
Thanks!
I appreciate your email its
I appreciate your email its an opinion and I hear you I would caution any friend considering doing what I did. The fact is it is my life now and I don't see backing out as an option. Just to clarify I do not have a problem with her shouting it from the roof tops they are "married" they are also legally separated. Its all legal BS in my mind. I know that he has no want nore need to be with her that is enough for me. Especially being that papers will most likely being signed in less then half a year. That being said I do have a problem with her dragging my SD through the mud, playing that role, damaging her daughter and my relationship. I think what most of had said though its a fight I don't want to fight. So I wont the gifts can go in their room or in a box nough said!
Well what should be even more
Well what should be even more interesting is his bday a week from now... We get the kids the week before. I think SD and I will go shopping together ;).
Me to I am just interested to
Me to I am just interested to see how far she goes... its more like a shake my head and laugh at this point. Or we could put it all in a box the day after court and put it on her doorstep... that would be a horribly bad idea and yet so very satisfying!