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BM doesn't read her emails correctly .. and now refuses to pay day care

SMof2Girls's picture

DH notified BM of our vacation plans in February 2014; stating dates of our vacation are Aug 2-10 (even years are his to choose first for vacation week). Vacation trumps normal visitation for both parents. DH gets one week; BM gets one week.

The CO states they each pay half of day care costs during summer since DH generally works during the week.

Day care grants a reduced fee for one week of vacation. We are using that week next week for our annual beach trip. Day care fees are half price since kids won't be attending. Back in June, BM was trying to calculate her total day care costs for the summer. In that discussion, DH said, "remember the week of Aug 4 will be half price".

BM is taking kids on vacation the last week before school starts. So instead of paying for that week, DH is just un-enrolling them a week early to avoid the cost altogether.

Now .. fast forward to yesterday. BM sent an email confirming pick up and drop off for the weekend. DH reminded her that we were leaving for the beach Saturday afternoon so she will need to have kids back by noon. She flipped. She said he told her we were leaving Aug 4, not Aug 2. Clearly she was mixed up with the day care cost discussion and the actual vacation notification. I get that, simple enough mistake.

But we've made reservations and are leaving on Saturday. Sorry BM, we cannot change these plans.

Her response? "I'm not paying day care for the week you're on vacation. Why would I pay for services you're not even using? And you won't be paying for the week I'm on vacation either"

Their CO is pretty clear and the parenting coordinator clarified this exact point just a few weeks ago. The fees while on vacation are still required to hold the kids' spot at the camp. If a week is skipped, they will not have day care available for the following week when they need the services when DH returns to work. BM is still responsible for half the cost.

So, I'm interested to see what happens. DH replied to her email stating she was still responsible for her half in accordance with the agreement and left it at that. If she doesn't pay, he will be forced to pay her half and then file with the courts. Not a single summer goes by that we have to fight BM to pay her share, and to pay it ON TIME at least 3 times.

This time it's all over $57.

SMof2Girls's picture

I suspect she will end up paying. DH just is not going to argue with her. No threats, no endless bickering.

She has a copy of the agreement. She knows what she's obligated to do. It has been clarified for her several times now; most recently by a parenting coordinator who can be subpoenaed to testify in court.

So let her skip the payment. She'll end up owing DH the $57 he'll be forced to pay on her behalf, plus all of his court/attorney fees.

So like I said, I suspect she will end up paying long before that happens.

SMof2Girls's picture

Yeah, it is. All a power play that she's been trying to get away with for years.

If he lets it slide this time, what's to stop her from deciding she doesn't need to pay day care in the future?

DH has been letting it slide long enough, IMO.

SMof2Girls's picture

Yes, thank you!

I guess the frustrating part is DH will end up paying her half. When she realizes that he is filing in court, she will probably send him the money right away to avoid the battle.

So what then? Keep the money and proceed with the filing to recover any legal fees he has incurred up to that point? Stand before a judge and say she paid him the $57 late? Doesn't that make him look just as petty? I suspect once she sends the money, the whole issue will be dropped. And she kinda gets away with the game-playing anyway.

OCC does have a point in that it IS petty. But at what point does the court tell BM to get her shit together and stop with the petty games?

AllySkoo's picture

"But at what point does the court tell BM to get her shit together and stop with the petty games?"

They don't, or at least not that I've ever heard of. And even if a court DOES tell someone to stop acting like a child, it doesn't work. (The best they can do is tell someone to stop acting like a loon IN COURT. They can't do anything about immature behavior at home.)

SMof2Girls's picture

Yeah .. I'm getting to the point that it all seems useless.

It should be REAL interesting when she moves out of state again Sad

Drac0's picture

DW and I had a similar problem a few years ago. Donkeykong was refusing to pay his share of the daycamp expenses on the grounds that he shouldn't have to pay for activities that fall on our custody time. So the following year we signed SS up for a daycamp that was further away from Donkeykong's home. Oh man, did he bitch and holler. He said we had no right to sign SS up for any extracurricular activity without his consent. DW's response was "it doesn't matter if we do or don't get your consent since you are not going to pay anyways. So if you have a problem with this, I will gladly discuss the matter in court."

Donkeykong's only reply was to please make sure he was on the list of people authorized to pick up SS after daycamp.

SMof2Girls's picture

This day camp can't really get any closer to us. It's less than a mile away from our home. The intent is to provide day care while skids are in DH's custody during the summer .. so there is no need for it to be close or convenient to BM.

They also don't split/share any other costs; so there is nothing DH can hold onto to use in the future (ie, deduct this share of day care from his share of sports costs, etc).

So when she doesn't pay, DH is just shorted the money. And there is nothing he can do .. except incur MORE costs to prove his point to hopefully prevent this from happening again.

SMof2Girls's picture

Yeah .. that would be the plan. Probably wouldn't even send the receipt .. he'd let her attorney ask for that via discovery }:)

Orange County Ca's picture

Good idea. Lets improve on it by having his attorney send a letter and inform her that failure to abide by the courts order can and will subject her to being found in criminal and civil violation of a courts order which can result in fines, damages and jail.

SMof2Girls's picture

Yeah, but she already knows all of this. The problem is that she interprets the agreement differently. Her attorney supports her.

This is why they have a parenting coordinator to clarify things. This EXACT issue has been clarified (most recently, just TWO WEEKS ago in a two hour session that cost EACH of them $190).

So, he can continue to warn/threaten/remind/clarify for her. And it doesn't change. He can involve his attorney to draft him a letter and send her emails to the other attorney. All of which we will pay for.

He'd rather just file in court. He's DONE reminding her and playing nice.

SMof2Girls's picture

It won't matter. And that's just more $$ and time out of his pocket to remind her. That's what gets frustrating.

I honestly think she gets off knowing he's spent the time writing a letter, making a copy of the agreement, going to the post office, etc.

It's really unnecessary anyway. Parenting coordinator told her flat out she is responsible for half of this cost. BM said she understood. The coordinator will be subpoenaed to testify to this fact.

SMof2Girls's picture

That's just it though .. they do not split any other costs like this.

She pays for ALL costs for fall sport/activity, DH pays for ALL costs for spring sport/activity. BM buys all school supplies (runs about $20/kid). DH pays child support. Medical bills are not an issue as their insurance covers 100%.

So there is no opportunity for DH to withhold the money from something he owes her.

If it were just the $57, and just this one time, he would let it go. However, it's just $57 this time. Last two times it was $115. That's just this year. He NEVER lets it slide, but he's just tired of bickering in emails/texts, only to do it again in a few weeks.

Orange County Ca's picture

If he's going to court anyway lets see if she can be held in contempt, i.e. his attorney can add that to the plea. The judge can then put her on probation for her repeated attempts at not paying.

SMof2Girls's picture

His attorney would probably try .. but I doubt he would get it. They've never actually made it all the way to court on any issues before, so I don't see a judge slamming her as a first time offender.

coping's picture

I feel you, I've been there more times than I'd care to remember. My advice is to document all of this. If she refuses to pay, send a certified letter with the same info. Build up your evidence against her for court, you may not be planning on going back, but you never know.

Drac0's picture

Well, in the interest of sharing tactics, $57 doesn't seem like much and in our neck of the woods, it isn't worth it to go through the hassle of getting the ex to pay up.

In my DW's case, $50 here and there begins to add up over time (school supply fees, medical prescriptions, etc). The argument over SS's tutoring was the last straw. DW has kept all reciepts and is planning to file for CS modification on the grounds that DW's and Donkeykong's employment situations have changed and she has reciepts stemming back from 2005 that Donkeykong is responsible for but has refused to pay his half. I was saving this drama for a future blog post but just thought I'd share.

Fun times to be had!

SMof2Girls's picture

My bigger concern is setting a precedent that it's okay to not pay her share. What's to stop her next year from deciding she won't be paying when skids don't attend for other reasons? Or that she'll only pay when DH is working day work (alternating schedule of days/nights)?

Seems silly .. but money is a big motivator for her and usually the driver behind most of her antics.

SMof2Girls's picture

She paid the $57. And sent an email saying, "in the future, I will not be responsible for any costs if the girls are not actually attending".

Yeah, keep telling yourself that BM.

SMof2Girls's picture

Parenting coordinator chimed in saying, "I understand that she [BM] has already paid this year. I realize at times vacations are scheduled around particular events but we can see about making it more cost effective. It doesn't matter to me if parents go away, have "stay vacations" or have to work."

IDK what that even means. Day care costs are day care costs. The only way to make them more "cost effective" for BM is to not make her pay. This is in direct contradiction to what the coordinator said in their session.

This system is fucked.