Anybody been accused of "Picking on" the SD?
I admit that I am immature at times, but mostly it is to lighten a situation and poke fun rather than be serious. I have no idea how to raise kids because I do not have any of my own. I am just wingin it and if I get a laugh out of the kids once in a while then that is fun.
My 12 yr old SD wines pretty often, mostly to get something she wants. I already spend too much money on her due to her needs so the wants are closely scrutinized and seldom given. To lighten the mood, rather than tell her I can't afford that or we do not have extra money this week, I will tell her I am going to have to call a wham-bulance (if she is whining for something). We all get a good laugh and she gives me that look she gives me when she doesn't get her way. Also, when she wrote up her christmas list for me, which included items in the price of $700 - $1,000 for some items, I would poke fun at her spelling. For example, she had a digital camera on the list and it was misspelled. So to lighten the situation of her asking for such expensive gifts I told her I may not be able to find a "ditial cemora" (I pronounced it how she spelled it). Ok, so I am very immature. My spelling can also use some work, but I use spell checker when available.
Does anyone have any advice for me? I do not know how to change my immaturity. Some of the things she says and wants are so ridiculous that I respond in the same manner.
It took a lot of digging to figure out that she was upset with my "picking" on her. First she started with saying she wasn't coming back to our house and was staying with BM 100% (we have 50/50). At this time she said her dad doesn't spend enough time with her anymore..... Then the story changed to us having too many rules for her. And now finally, I pick on her too much.
HELP!
Picking on the SD?
Hi,
I, like you, never had children of my own. My SD's were my first experience with kids. It sounds like you are a nice person who does not like to disappoint people, or to be the voice of negativity.
Perhaps your light-hearted joking at your SD's requests are being interpreted by her as being "made fun of". I don't know the details of your situation (eg. how long the parents have been divorced if they were married, how long you have been in a relationship with her father etc). - but she may also be reacting to the changes in her life - and you are one of those changes. I too have SD's who ask for very expensive things all the time. Their BM gives them the impression that my DH and me make loads of money, when in fact she earns way more than both of us. I try, gently, to explain that I wish we had the money to buy them everything they want, but we don't. (One time they even pointed out that we had $$ for food - so why can't we buy them stuff!)
Maybe you can try a different approach for awhile and see if she warms up to you. It may be that she has sensitive feelings and is taking your teasing personally.
My SD's only pull the old game of "don't want to go over there" when my DH or myself are trying to enforce rules like doing their homework or something like that. She may be testing you, her father and her mother to see what kind of structure there is and what she can get away with. Next time she gives you a list of expensive gift items, maybe try to suggest that she look at a catalogue to find things she wants that are in an appropriate price range. She can't take that personally and you will get your point across without being too harsh.
Best of luck to you - it's not an easy job being a SM!
it's not easy being sm...but it is easy to blame sm isn't it?
with all the talk about discipline lately along with where us stepparents should step back and let the bio's handle things i have to say that after eight years with two ss and two ex's it is too easy for everyone involved to turn to us step's and say "you are being to hard on them" I went through the phase of saying no to endless hours of video games...was told that is what they like to do..let them..so I did. I went through involving bio and step's in all activities...ie/taking them downhill skiing and teaching them how, when I complained that if ss (14yrs) was going to spend the day eating and sitting at the bottom, I would not worry anymore about including him or spending our money doing it (it took me 6years to decide this, and it was not easy to even say) as a result I am now giving the bio's more and giving that ss "leftovers" When we were told ss would be unable to visit during summer vacation because he would have a job..we accepted it..he is now turning 16 and should maybe get one..come August during his second visit when I asked how the job hunt went he replied "my mom went to get me an application, but they didn't have any available" and when I asked if "his mom" only asked once and he replied "no why bother..it is too late to get a job now" so out of frustration I replied "it is kinda hard to get a job with motivation like that isn't it?" and continued with "maybe the motivation to get a job should be yours and not your mom's don't you think" His response not much "why do I need a job anyways" of course typical of a teenager who is handed everything. His mother's response..My hurtful comments hurt both her and her son. what a joke! Luckily for me, I have a great hubby who will not turn to me with blame in his eyes, and even when I let the x have it he will still stand by me and my opinions. I understand the exagerations of children, but when the bio's try to place blame I just think to myself "hateful thoughts are like speedbumps on the road to life...just run them over"
thank you Donna S
I have been a SM for less than one year. Her father and BM have been divorced since she was 3 and I am her second SM. She has had a SF too, but now BM has a live-in BF. From my understanding he (BF) does not do any of the discipline. BM picks on her similar to me, I have witnessed on many occassions.
Now that you know my situation, you basically hit it right on the head with your response. Thanks, I will try a new approach.
SD wants all of us to sit down and talk BM, DH, SM, SD. I don't feel this is necessary, I just want to tell her and reassure her that I will not pick on her anymore. BM wants to be a "mediator", but I think she is just getting her nose in our business and wants to "fix" it all. I feel mediation may be good for a small child that need protection from abuse, but a 12 year old is old enough to have a discussion which does not involve any abuse.
N.E.S
Pickin on the SD?
I think you are right. I would not let the BM act as mediator. Mediators are supposed to be neutral 3rd parties who are not involved in the situation. It seems a little much to have a major sit-down with all parents involved and the SD. This may be a cry for attention from her to all her parental influences. She wants to be heard. It is probably a good idea for you to have a small talk with her on your own. Sounds like a test to me - and if you are gentle in your repsonses, but firm in your resolve she should respond well (I hope!). She has been through a few Step parents now too and is maybe insecure.
I have been a SM now for almost 10 years. Mostly good. The bad comes from the BM.
I hope your SD comes to see you as an ally, and as a parent with with parental rights and influence. When she's older she may understand your sense of humor a little better.
Good luck, my fingers are crossed for you!
gotta say this..you are new to all this the twelve yr. old isn't
sorry writing again because I read everything again, I wouldn't be overly concerned about a twelve year old claiming you pick on them..like I said before it is easier to pick on the step right? And if your sd has been through more than one(step), they know what buttons to push. I am not saying that she is doing this to hurt you, but if there are issues with your house vs. mom's you are the easiest excuse to use right now. I would stand firm with your house rules and request visitation not be left up to the twelve year old. I would guess your joking around hasn't really bothered sd until it came in handy for her..and the sad truth is bm probably helped her along with it all
I am baffled...
You wonder why the kid doesn't listen...she has had more steps than an escalator...what do you expect? Sometimes I wonder if people stop to read the things that they write about someone's children...I am almost embarrassed to be a woman and an adult!
OSKP
It's called Over-Sensitive Kid Psychosis and my nine year-old biological son has it, too. (Okay, so I made that up.) I try to joke and tease to lighten the mood, too, and it works with four out of five kids. Only my biological son has a problem with it, but it's not because I'm "picking on" him, it's just that he's REALLY overly sensitive about some things. So I know that I can do that with the others, but I have to be careful of doing it with him and make sure that I'm not joking or teasing him about a subject that is near and dear to his heart, like animal rights, for example. I know that I can't use certain phrases - like lambs to the slaughter, stupid lemmings, dumb as an ox, etc. - because he's an animal-lover and would be offended. So with that one, I have to watch what I say. Not that he decides how we speak or what we say, just that I respect his sensitivities and am, hopefully, teaching him to respect the sensitivities of others.
Maybe you should take a different approach than the joking around and, when she asks for things that are beyond the realm of possibility, just tell her what my mom always told me... What? You want the new Rick Springfield album? Okay, let me pull one out of my ass!
(P.S. Change album to CD and Rick Springfield to, I don't know, Brittney Spears?! Is she still popular? I'm getting old!)
~ Anne ~
What do you think about.....?
I am going to invite my SD shopping to make a mends. Don't get me wrong, I am not choosing a shopping trip to win her over. I am just concerned that my "picking" has made her uncomfortable or intimidated by me. By doing a shopping trip and making up a story that I have a gift certificate to use up may make her feel more at ease and I can gain her trust and confidence back (not sure if I lost it). For women I feel shopping is a good outlet for feelings and sharing. My SD is overweight and I found a great store for her age, plus size clothing styles in the store include rockabilly, renaissance, punk and street and are aimed at women 15 to 30 years old. I took her school clothes shopping at this store and her face was lit up for weeks, it is too far away for her bm to take her.
Nope
I get along beter with my ss than my husband and his son get along together.
i would be careful new evil
how have things been since your blog tuesday? and when is sd supposed to be back to your house? i would let things go as they are if you haven't heard any more since then. You may be playing into sd's hands by giving in right away, and then bm will use it against you. I think we sm sometimes worry so much about what will happen next and forget sometimes taking a breath and a step back and then a new issue arrises before we exhale...is she still refusing to visit with you? I think it is great that you think of her, and want to make amends, and as I said before I don't think she is doing this to hurt you for I really do think you should stand firm on how things will be when she is home with you
You are right....
I don't know what I was thinking.
Thanks
check out personal message, what do you think?
I think we better call you a wham-bulance right away. No seriously, I am a bio mom with a new partner who had never had children before either. My daughter adores and loves him to death and yet is sooooo annoyed by his imaturity. You dads want to talk about these 5 to 15 year olds who whine all the time. Think about it what do you do when this happens. I bet I could tell you! You run to their mom and start whining about how much their daughters whine over everything and you want to know what most of us think when this happens. (Why am I listen to this grown man whine to me...like I don't have better things to do). I actually told my new husband to stop his whining about his step daughter because it was very annoying. He was speachless. I think you step dads and moms are great for giving yourselves to these children and showing them the love you have for them. Keep it up, kids need as much love, support and understanding as they can get.
I apoligize
I apoligize for getting your sex wrong but I still beleive in what I wrote to you no matter what role you play. I think anyone who cares for children even if their not bio are great people.
I still don't get your message?
Are you saying that I am whining? I wrote this form post to get advice on how to turn around my responses to my SD - I don't whine to her bf or bm about her whining. I thought this website was about venting, not personal attacks!
Oh, no, you'll get attacked.
But you have to consider the source, have a good laugh at their expense, roll your eyes and then move on. Remember... opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and they all stink!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
I am so sorry
I did not mean to make you feel attacked. Your right this is a place to vent and get advice from others experience. I love the relation ship my daughter has with her step dad and I just saw some simularities in your relationship with your step child. I did not mean to make you feel attacked. I hope there are no hard feelings. I am not here to make enemys in fact I would like to hear your point of view on being a step parent. I am a bio mom and would like to know what it is like to be a step parent so that I may better understand the other side and perhaps have something good come out of this for my family. My deepest apolagy.
Being a stepmom can be really sucky...
But when you have BMs like you and Janice really trying to learn and help us learn, it gives us all hope!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Thank You
Step or bio mothers in the end we are all just people trying to figure out life the best way we can.
Picking on SD
Oh yes, I have been accused of picking on my SD, not liking her, etc, etc. And it's always always after my SD and my husband have had a fight. He tries to discipline her and she begins the victim ploy by either taking something that I say out of context or making it up! SD & I can actually be getting along fine, she and my husband then have a fight and somehow I become the bad guy!! The best advice that I can give is to enforce the house rules fairly - I never asked SD to do something I didn't do. I never could tease or joke with SD - she was way too sensitive. I tried the shopping trips, we'd have girl's night in with movies and snacks, I'd take her to plays, etc. I would be under the impression that all was good and then be blindsided by one of her attacks. I said this, I excluded her, I ignored her, etc etc. My SD is now 24 and I have given up on having a close relationship with her. Sadly, she has grown into the type of person that I truly dislike and mistrust: dishonest, manipulative, irresponsible. I don't even have her housesit for us because of the mess that she leaves behind! Now, I require a witness when speaking with her and we don't spend any time together as a family. Very sad indeed.
Glynne
aah a sigh of relief that I am not alone....
she was actually angry with her dad first, she claims he doesn't spend enough time with her and they don't talk. btw the entire week prior to this incident he went out of his way for them to do things alone, she even wanted me to come along on a trip to the store and i told her no just so it would be her and dad alone. i believe a few things triggered this incident. first we wrote down the rules for her as she requested in a counselling appointment, second i said no to a manicure and pedicure for her formal dance (i said no because i didn't want to step on bm toes) then i turned off her tv so she could eat breakfast and wouldn't be late for school in the morning. i have found that she does not like the word "no".
my situation sounds very close to yours. we get along great as long as i am buying her something.
NO means Yes
This is a huge factor in our discipline issues. When you have kids that are a product of inconsistent parenting, they learn that yes is yes, maybe means yes, no is maybe, and if they push hard enough, it becomes a yes. With me around that is changing and the skids are not liking it.
To the original question, I have always tried to use humor in parenting and my girls have learned to laugh at themselves. The skids do not laugh at themselves and are very critical of themselves and others. So any comment is picking on them.
OMG! read this
I just got finished reading about post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd) in children and now believe sd could suffer from that - and that is why my teasing made her so upset. Teasing when done to children with ptsd can be horrific and seen as abusive. I feel really bad now and ashamed. I remembered a story that sd told me about a step father she had and researched ptsd in children and found out that her story of events could cause ptsd.
Here is why, when her bio mom still had full custody they were driving down the road and her step father (while sitting in the passenger seat) hauled of and punched bio mom (who was driving at the time) in the face. He shattered her face and then the car went into the ditch,bm had numerous stitches and reconstructive surgeries. Another thing this man used to do is take a possession of sd it is a blanket and stuffed bunny that she had from a small baby and she uses it as a security item. sd will not sleep without this, even now at 12 yrs old. Her dad has driven as far as 50 miles to run home and get it when forgotten. Any way the step dad used to grab it from her hands, when driving down the road, and throw it out the window. Eventually they would turn around to go get it - but isn't that awfull treatment of a child?
brief explanation of ptsd from a website:
A child or adolescent who experiences a catastrophic event may develop ongoing difficulties known as posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The stressful or traumatic event involves a situation where someone's life has been threatened or severe injury has occurred (ex. they may be the victim or a witness of physical abuse, sexual abuse, violence in the home or in the community, automobile accidents, natural disasters (such as flood, fire, earthquakes), and being diagnosed with a life threatening illness). A child's risk of developing PTSD is related to the seriousness of the trauma, whether the trauma is repeated, the child's proximity to the trauma, and his/her relationship to the victim(s).
I hope it is not too late to reverse what I did by teasing her. After sharing this with bio dad, he said that her step father used to tease her alot and my teasing may have brought those feelings back to the surface-OMG!
PTSD is a mental health diagnosis...
and people young or old need help to get through this. I teach a course on this and can be very serious. At the very least the teasing, whether intended or not, can have serious implications for anybody, child or adult. Great insight into what may have caused this...that is the beginning of being able to make a difference. It may not make you like her more but it may allow you to tolerate her better. And some days that is just all that we can expect from ourselves! Good luck!
stamina, what do you think about this
she has been seeing a counselor, her counseler is a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW). do you think it would be better for us to get her a psychiatrist or a psychologist - someone with a PHD rather than a LCSW who only is a masters degree level counselor?
then she can be diagnosed with ptsd if that is what she even has. i understand that the diagnosis and treatment can be very tricky and most people go through their entire lives without the proper diagnosis/treatment.
This is very true!
Does the counsellor know anything about PTSD? What is her take on what is happening with your SD? What are her recommendations? Those are some questions that I would want to ask? As well, how is your SD connecting with the counsellor? I have been to counsellors for myself in dealing with various changes in my life and also for my children re: the divorce and absent dad. Some were great and a connection was noticed and with others I knew that they were not effective.
There are very difinitive symptoms that can lead to a diagnosis of PTSD. Whether this is the case with your SD...it is hard to say. But for sure, there will be some impact and for that she requires intervention. Good luck with this.
Personal counselling for you may be also helpful. I found this helpful for me in trying to deal with the whole stepfamily scene. These experiences are definitely outside of my range of normal and were beyond what I felt personally able to understand or deal with. Step family life made going through divorce look like a picnic! So I wish you luck with all of this. It is possible to overcome anything with effort and desire AND teamwork between spouses!
I absolutely agree...
I think it's quite appropriate to consider someone who is very much more qualified than an LCSW. Not saying that an LCSW isn't qualified, but for the dynamics of the events spoken, someone who is specialized in the area is diffidently something to look into.
So, I think you should ask some questions about the experience and education levels of the counselor.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
finally got to the bottom of it.......
dh finally talked to sd to see why she doesn't want to come to our house anymore and it was not the teasing that sm does with her.
sd is upset about the rules and sd concern is that sm is the one making all of the rules and dh should be making the rules for sd not sm. sd is upset that sm wrote down the rules.
dh reminded her that it was sd's idea to write down the rules determined from a session with counsellor, dh and sd. also, sd did not realize that the bedroom cleaning and bathroom cleaning rules are only to be implemented if sd wants to earn a money allowance - sd claimed she didn't realize that. homework rules are the only rules that HAVE to be followed due to her grades declining.
bottom line, sd does not want rules and would rather stay with bm where there are no rules.
thanks for reading/responding to my issues - this is so very hard to figure out, i think i want to be single again!
Rules...
I have read everyones comments and I see how we all try to figure out if the child is in need before we jump to the conclusion that it's jealousy and manipulation on the childs part.
My SS told us the otherday that he hates me (see other forum by this name) and he faked it when he was nice to me. He is 10 years old!! We all did what any decent adult would do and threw out the life raft to SS and asked if he was Ok at home? Any troubles at school? Unhappy about something and the list goes on..Only to find out sometime later that he just doesn't like me, half brother and step brother as we take his BD away and I pick on him. When asked how I pick on him, he says that I am always telling him to clean up HIS mess and put the toilet seat down!! (LOL)
And me and dad have no time to ourselves he cried!! We always make sure SS & SD get at least a few hours alone per weekend to talk dad stuff but dad has a 1 year old now and he likes to spend his 1 day off work with all 3 boys. But this is not enough, so he has demanded to see BD all alone each Sunday at his house or at the park with no one else around..on hubby's only day off.
But really what makes them not even try to get to know us?
He doesn't want to come to our house anymore and this just makes us all sad, so evil step mom, I too am evil and I wish I was, then I wouldn't care so much. Good luck and I hope things get better for you.