AITA for the way I am handling my husband's depression over SD?
Hey again hope all is well! I would like some advice or opinions on the way I am handling things going on with DH over SD.
So several months into DH's estrangement from SD and I am absolutely over it. I could care less if I ever see that brat again. Obviously, DH misses her immensely and is still reaching out all the time. He has gone from deep, dark depression crying constantly to there is nothing more I can do I give up. Well the month where he still reached out for SD but didn't dwell on it was the best month we have had. He was finally present, involved, and opened his eyes to SD's and BM's behaviors and manipulation.
Now he is slipping back into depression and it's really starting to irritate me. I am fed up. I don't try to console him. I don't ask questions and I am not being sensitive anymore because I'm over it. My husband has slipped back into his self destructive ways again he quit exercising says he doesn't care, he's started up his bad eating habits that he started when all this began. He has developed sleep problems and sits up at night just thinking. He is also now having trouble getting up for work in the morning. He sleeps throughout the day on weekends and won't help around the house or take care of any maintenance. The worst of it is he has now started playing video games in all his off time. He helps occasionally with the kids and tries to be normal for the kids at dinner time but that's the extent of it.
I'm getting disgusted with him to be honest. He broke down the other day crying about SD and missing her and I couldn't bring myself to even act like I care because I truly don't. I just said I'm sorry and left the room. He knows that this is driving a wedge between us. He has gotten really insecure since I've lost all the baby weight and I am back to normal. He is extremely clingy and gets upset when I leave the house.I confronted him about it the other day and he said he is worried I will leave him because of all his issues and baggage (meaning SD drama).
He just left for work and it's taking alot of strength not to go off on him via text message. I am just so angry with him and the situation. I am angry that he just can't get over it ( which I know is unfair because it's his kid and he loves her). It also pisses me off that he just doesn't care anymore about taking care of the house or himself. He still makes an effort to be involved with the kids but he has started buying them tons of toys and gifts. He also purchased me insanely expensive jewelry for my birthday. He said it was to make up for me putting up with him through this. For some reason that pissed me off even more than the amount of money he spent on it. I've grown cold and silent recently. Is this the wrong approach to his depression and I'm just a huge jerk?
NTA
That's his actual child so he has reason to be upset. Key word UPSET! Not "so depressive that he becomes a functional vegetable". He needs to put his big boy underwear on, help you around the house, show you the love and attention you deserve and stop letting this be his "end of the world".
NAH
He needs therapy. My SS didn't speak to DH except for nastiness for over 3 years, more or less (there were a couple positive interactions in there). He was sad and worried at times, but we got on with life, and honestly after a while, he found life LESS stressful without having to deal with SS and BM and their nonsense. What your DH is experiencing is clinical depression and he needs to go get mental health treatment - and part of that is finding a way to cope with SD being alienated.
Living with someone who is depressed is hard. Push him to get treatment.
I've brought it up a few
I've brought it up a few times and he never said much. Now when I mention anything he says that therapy is bullshit and doesn't work. He says if it did work then SD would be better now and be back in our lives. So he's using that as an excuse. I'm thinking maybe it is time for an ultimatum because he is not going to get better.
Therapy doesn't work with
Therapy doesn't work with parental alienation. But it works really well with depression, as does medication. Maybe he'd go if you agreed to go with him? A couples therapist will quickly suss out that he's depressed.
It is ok to be upset about
It is ok to be upset about their relationship. His behavior goes beyond and fall straight into a depression episode. He needs to see a therapist and talk to his doctor about medication. This behavior is not normal. He needs help. BUT, this does not mean you have to accept and enable his crappy behavior. Time for some tough love.
If your DH has slipped into
If your DH has slipped into clinical depression, he will likely need medication and therapy. He can't just snap out of it. That said, his medical needs are his to take care of. You do not need to bear the brunt of it. You can suggest, encourage and maybe even issue an ultimatum but, if he refuses to address the depression then you may face some tough choices.
My DH went through something
My DH went through something very similar in the after-process of OSD leaving our home for good, at age 13. At first he was mad and tried to fix it, then he slipped into a depression - which he's been through before so he was triggered by this. He gained weight, slept a lot, didn't want to do anything, created a mess everywhere, stayed up crying in the night, etc. And he tried talking his way through it with me, which usually ended badly in an argument or me telling him I couldn't help.
So one day I heard him out. I calmly and clearly stated that I was not his therapist and could not fill that place. I didn't know how to help and that I was tired. I had to re-iterate it a couple times but he did find a therapist and has been so. much. better. now. I've even talked with her once. It took about 6 months before I saw a huge change, but he was able to talk with someone about some deep-seated issues.
You need to keep on him about a therapist and even offer to help him look and go with him if necessary. Because his reaction now is not sustainable for you, his wife and partner. He's got to learn to deal with this and other potential disappointments in life.
I agree he might need some
I agree he might need some medication. You can't control when you fall into depression but you can take steps to work your way out of it, especially since he is aware of the impact it's having on your and the other kids.
It's not sexy at all when a man acts insecure and pathetic like that. Are your other kids his too? Because it's not fair to them to have a dad that is wallowing in self pity and failing to be present for them.
I think an ultimatum is a good idea, tell him you won't tolerate any more excuses, it's not just SD that wants nothing to do with him, you're getting to that point too!
I agree, he needs help. My DH
I agree, he needs help. My DH also soffers from depression, and I've seen him cry over his kids (they've never been aliented, but he feels like a failed parent), and he has been certain that I am going to leave him for someone else, or just not come home from work one day because I'm tired of him. It's all very real to him when he's way down in a slump.
The Christmas holidays were always a mess, because he wouldn't do anything Christmassy with me because he missed his "kids" too much (they're adults with their own families now). I spent a few holidays just indulging him in his sadness, and learned that was the exact wrong thing to do. So I started making my own plans, living my own life. If he wanted to come along, great. If his world was too gray and he couldn't, also ok. But I stopped being mad about something outside of my control and decided that I had a life to live too.
Finally, through the help of a great therapist and a great psychiatrist (and a kick in the ass from me), he's on the right medication and continues talk therapy. I have my husband back.
You're completely right. I do
You're completely right. I do have a life and he can either be apart of it or not. It's just hard without help sometimes with everything on me. I planned family photos next month and he is already feeling guilty taking them without SD but there is no way in hell I am canceling. Yikes, I haven't even thought about holidays yet. We have a lot of family traditions with our kids that will be hard on him but I can't have him ruining our lives with his grief.
My DH has clinical depression
My DH has clinical depression. There have been two times in our marriage where I had to issue an ultimatum to compel him to seek help. Living with a depressive is NOT easy, and it can completely drain your empathy tank.
You need to practice self care, as well as a measure of detachment. You are responsible for your own happiness, so don't wallow with him. Get out of the house, keep busy and engaged with life, and please do start some therapy for yourself. Setting that example, especially if your DH sees you being happier, may motivate him to get counseling as well.
i have a lot of understanding
i have a lot of understanding with depression and this is not your burden to live. Of course you are his support system but this has gone far beyond upset or sad ,, he will need to see a doctor and get medication ,,, medication is in no way a bad thing as some men will see it,, it doesnt fix everything but it certainly lifts the fog you live under enough to get yourself back on track.
Ugh! It's SO FRUSTRATING.
Ugh! It's SO FRUSTRATING. And it makes me really really REALLY dread the holidays with all the sappy "family is EVERYTHING" messages everywhere. It's really wrong that the other children are getting the short end of the stick due to the one child's dysfunctional behavior. He needs to realize he has other family members who need him. I really wish he'd go to counseling with you. Since he's so clingy and afraid of losing you, could you issue a light version of an ultimatum?
My SO has 4 adult kids and 1 grandchild that don't want anything to do with him. Yeah, the moping gets old.
I went off on his this
I went off on his this morning actually. His father called to ask about Christmas gifts for his ugly little daughter and it completely set my husband off. He became angry and extremely quiet. He started drinking and locked himself in garage all day. He was nasty to our little boys and did not help me with the baby or the house. He apologized this morning. I told him I can't do this anymore and if he can't find a way to handle this without being a dick to the whole family then I will go stay with my parents for awhile.
Honestly, it sounds like your
Honestly, it sounds like your DH needs a lot of therapy.
"If you are worried about our
"If you are worried about our marriage failing because of your issues then pull your head out of your ass and deal with YOUR issues. I nor our children signed up for this crap so man up and fix it or our your concerns about our marriage may be foreshadowing of the not too distant future. The outcome is entirely on you"