advice from bio parents please and thank you
Having no kids of my own, happily married, and DH has two teenagers. One is nearing 18...We can't wait!
His daughter has done nothing but the unthinkable. Needless to say, DH has grown to hate her every action and I DO mean EVERY ACTION.
We have exhausted ourselves with his kids trying to install good into them. SS has a heart of gold deep down but also has taken after his mom which is to be expected being he resides with her. Having him live here was not in his best interest. He did not get along with his peers due to the chip on his shoulders. On the other hand, we get along in the household after a battle or two. Like his mom, he feels that he is above others.
I have some questions and hope someone can help me understand. Someone who is a bio parent and maybe even going through this yourself. Can parents disengage from their own kids? As a stepparent I had to disengage from my SD but I don't mind SS. I think that my husband wants to wash his hands of his own kids bc he does not feel a connection with either of them and has tried to. Had spoke with DH about this and he doesn't know what to think OR doesn't want to admit out loud what he is thinking. I'm not going to press DH for answers unless he is ready and wanting to discuss this further. When his kids are of age, is it likely that their dad won't be in their lives others then a few calls a year or so? All I know for sure is DH hates their company and dreads the visits. He has been trying to do them right but they remain stuck in their own heads.
Please don't bash their dad bc he has done the best he can/could with both of them.
DH disengaged from SD16 after
DH disengaged from SD16 after she sued us. He had to to preserve his sanity. Now two years later, they see each other about once a month for a quick lunch. That is it...It can be done, but it caused some serious heartache for DH and it did some serious damage to our marriage. BM and SD caused it all....
I am a firm believer in
I am a firm believer in parents trying to be there for their children.
With that said I think there is very limited cases that a parent needs to withdraw from the child for their emotional or physical safety or financial well being.
Like JsMOm said I think it would cause serious heartache for your DH and damage to the marriage.
I do believe that a Bio parent can limit contact and interaction with a child until (if) things get to a better place.
A quick lunch once a month seems like a good plan without completely breaking all contact.
***I think that my husband wants to wash his hands of his own kids bc he does not feel a connection with either of them and has tried to. Had spoke with DH about this and he doesn't know what to think OR doesn't want to admit out loud what he is thinking. I'm not going to press DH for answers unless he is ready and wanting to discuss this further.***
^^^ By what you stated it does seem like you are trying to press your DH for answers that he is not ready to think about much less discuss. just sayin...
My DH is going through the
My DH is going through the same thing with his daughter right now too. The last time he spoke with her was early last month and he went over to explain to her that relationships are two way streets, not a highway and a parking lot. He told her that any further communication between them is up to her now. He's done chasing her with unanswered texts, calls, emails, visits. He's tired of being on the shitty end of the stick while she has her head up BM's and BM's boyfriend's asses.
She'll be 15 this Fall. I honestly hope for his sake that something changes but she's no longer welcome in our home. She's a liar, untrustworthy and has lied about us. DH and I can't trust her and won't put ourselves in a situation where she could cause major damage. If he sees her, it'll likely be a lunch in public once a month or even just phone calls. So far, though, she's made ZERO attempt at contacting DH, DH's dad, brother, grandparents, anyone on DH's side. BM has PAS'd the shit outta her.
I hope that once this kid turns 18, we no longer have to deal with her at all, but in reality, she's always going to be his daughter and a part of our lives. Child support doesn't cease until age 19 here in Colorado. At least once she hits 18, there's no visitation schedule in place anymore.
Been reading your stories,
Been reading your stories, situations, opinions, its a big help and interesting views. Will be rereading your stories a few times to try to put it together like a puzzle. The truth is, I have only been involved in broken families since being a child myself. I have been learning from you guys/gals on this site more then I have ever learned from people around me where things actually make sense.
StepAside - I will try to answer great questions you asked here.
What's your version of "good"? Do you know about boundaries? Did you assume the parent role to them? Didn't they have two parents? You were the stepmother. Did you overstep? What were you expecting, to teach them? Do you know that most often that doesn't work out too well? Think that may have contributed to your stepchildren not wanting to be around either of you?
We took his kids in during a period of time when they were failing school and having severe hygiene issues. Really wished I would have known about this site back then bc I did cross lines too. I let my job go to be there for the kids and DH worked several hours. My mom lived with us and wanted to get a place of her own being she lost her home in a house fire along with my 32 year old brother. Her dogs lived and she too was not harmed by that fire. The kids were 14 and 12. They went from being on their own at their mothers to having three parents, two of which not related. Mom moved out shortly after and came over often to help out. We pushed the kids with school, daily showers, play outside on nice days, and such. SD was a lot more work. Tried to teach her to not lie, steal, poop and pee her pants, hurt animals, get into fights at school with other peers, and physically abuse people. Much time was taken seeking help from doctors, counseling, school and learning how to write, walking her through daily tasks, and she did not play well with others. Ive had groups of kids come to my door to talk to me about SD and what she does to them. We kept correcting her and she felt drilled. That's when patience wore thin for everybody. My mom helped a lot with homework, cooking, parenting as mentioned above and we were able to give the kids one on one time.
Us three adults had to clamp down on her. I crossed lines by acting like her mother and being hard on her. I wanted to be easy on her yet every time I tried, she would get nasty. Like one time she repeatedly lounged at my moms dog who was afraid of her and I told her to leave the dog alone and that the dog is trying to hide from her bc she is scaring him. I stepped away after she stopped to walk back into the room in time to see her doing it again and the dog did nip her face. It was only a warning nip and just scratched her. I told her that she asked for it and she can't be mad at the dog for what she was doing to him. After that, she had a bone to hurt that dog. She choked another dog when that one walked up to her in the kitchen and sniffed her fingers.
With SS, he greatly improved and his grades went up. All A's and B's. He had a hard time with peers. Did not fit in at the school and he missed his friends from the other school. Finished off the year with him and he started the following year back at his other school. SS and I have a good bond but his dad and him seem disconnected.
Did your husband step up?
Yes he did the best he could. Tried to hear both sides of stories, discipline when needed, parent as he saw fit, and tried to establish a connection with each of his kids. Before I came in the picture, DH did the same thing then while married and they divorced. Years later, he felt limited with his kids not being able to have them around 24/7. Ex wife wanted to raise them alone, get a good chunk of the paychecks, have the dad take them off her hands when they were not in school, and buy their things. She was given money to buy clothes what not but the money was used elsewhere and the kids always lacked clothes at their moms. DH and I met and things got better financially. DH has always wanted a family and to be a responsible parent.
doormatnomore- your questions "Depends, by disengaging do you mean backing off and letting them suffer from bad/good choices, holding them accountable for their behavior? Or do you mean total cutoff? "
DH seems to be backing off from his son and someday possibly cut off from his daughter. Not until she would be an adult at the soonest. DH does not seem close with either of them but rather emotionally dead towards them.
CheriWilson, I think you
CheriWilson, I think you brought up some very good points and that just might give us something to work with here.
If he is emotionally ready to let go his minor children, what is up with that? Is he depressed or have some other major life crisis going on?
Yes and no. DH will not give up on his minor children currently ages 15 and 17. We can't take SD anywhere without her hurting people. SD's form of hurting people in public, is pushing strangers like running into to them on purpose or plowing down small kids. Strangers thinks its an accident for at least she says "sorry". When asked by her dad or I, the reply is "I wanted to look at ___ but she was in my way". Its always women that SD does this with but with kids, its boys and girls.
Taking SS out and about is fun. He loves to shop and has a good attitude with us when we are out. DH does not enjoy shopping. When we have SS here at the house, there is a change. We all almost feel like strangers with one another.
I'm actually wondering about what the future holds after they are of age. Yes DH does suffer from seasonal depression and has since his childhood years. Last visit with SS, my husbands depression was acting up and it was during Christmas. We backed off having SS down bc he asked to have more weekends for himself. Wants to see his friends and that is normal for his age I think.
Two, I wonder if your DH stepped up to the parenting plate when he met you.
Yes he did and acknowledges full guilt. The sitter/DH's roomate of that time did the main parenting. Skids have had lots of parents from both their Birth parents. Both parents stepped back and allowed others to raise the kids. Sadly they have been mistreated due to that. DH started trying again with them after I was in his life.
When the kids lived with us, it was mom and I who did most of the work on the parenting part. Its why I let my dead end job go. I never thought to leave the parenting to the parents back then. DH admits fault on many levels.
The blaming I have towards their BM is due to the conditions the kids are in when we have picked them up. They shower once or twice a week, SD does not brush her hair, failing school, playing on the computer instead of being made to do homework, and their rooms are a pig sty. BM says "if they want to stink, that's their problem."
In this given situation, I would like to know what the future could hold.