Changing Visitation??? Need advice please!
Right now, DH has SS Saturday afternoon until Sunday night every weekend. He and BM set up this arrangement about a year ago and it has been ok for the most part. There have been some weekends were DH doesn't get SS because BM goes out of town and takes him with her, and likewise there have been weekends where DH has to go out of town for work and can't take SS w him so he stays w BM. During vacation, DH is supposed to have SS half the time (one week BM, one week DH), but DH hasn't been able to have him because of work.
I am a month away from graduating (YAY) which means I am moving to be w DH. I am thinking, now that I will be around more maybe we should try to get 50/50 custody of SS. SS and I have a pretty good relationship, he is 3.5 and he has his bratty moments like all kids and he can be very clingy w DH, but he is getting MUCH better and I feel like my relationship w him is getting better too. DH didn't ask for 50/50 last time he and BM went to mediation because he knew there was no way that he could have SS half the time w his crazy work schedule.
DH and I are opening up our own business this month and I am thinking that with me moving back w DH and w DH not having the same hectic schedule he used to have, maybe we can work it out so we have SS 50/50. I am sure BM will put up a fight, but maybe we can get him at least a couple more days a week. I am thinking this summer will be a trial run (since we get SS every other week for the whole vacation) and if things go smoothly I will suggest to DH that we make it a year round arrangement. I want to get some advice about this first though, because I don't want to bring it up w DH and get his hopes up and then change my mind. Plus, once it is set there is no going back.
I guess my question is, how do all of you who are custodial or have SKs a substantial amount of time, how do you feel about it? I don't want to regret the alone time I am giving up w DH, but I am thinking if we do every other week I will still have DH to myself half the time PLUS I will get 2 weekends alone a month!!! This is very important to me because w work and everything, the alone time DH and I get during the week is not substantial and we can't really do anything just us two. Plus, this means we wont have to plan any more vacations around the weekends (which is really a pain when you spend a whole day getting somewhere and a whole day getting back). Also, how would this affect CS? I know this will ultimately be up to the judge, but what is typical in a 50/50 arrangement? Right now, DH pays $2000 CS monthly for food ONLY. School supplies, DR visits, etc are all paid for 50/50 on top of CS. If we get 50/50 are we only going to have to pay $1000 a month? Should she pay us when SS is with us? Should we get rid of CS since it is only supposed to be for food and continue w 50/50 everything else?? I know all of this will ultimately be decided by a judge, but I want to know what we can be expecting or what we should ask for. All advice is welcome!!!!!!!!!!!!
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What does your husband want?
What does your husband want?
We have discussed us having
We have discussed us having SS w us more time in the past, but always hypothetical situations and way off in the future, and he has always been for it. I don't think he will bring it up w me if I don't get the ball rolling though because he knows that it will take a lot of time on my part (since I will probably have to be the one to get SS ready for school and pick him up, etc.) and he wouldn't put that on me if I didn't want the responsibility. That is why I want advice from those who have SKs around a lot, because I don't want to bring it up and say I am ok w it and then change my mind because I know that would hurt him. He is ok w the agreement we have now, just weekends, but I am sure he would love to see SS more often.
$2000/mo?? Good luck! She
$2000/mo?? Good luck! She definitely is gonna fight you
Yup, not looking forward to
Yup, not looking forward to it!
First of all, this is
First of all, this is something your DH should be discussing with his ex. This is their child and not yours to parent.
Yes, I know. We ALL end up bearing some if not most of the parenting burden. But in court and in BMs world we don't figure. We are the ones who SHOULD be feeding their offspring and washing their clothes and making sure homework is completed. We make sure medication is taken as prescribed. But have an opinion? Have a thought? Shock Horror! How dare we!
What it will come down to is not how much aldult time he has in your home but how much actual accessable toime to his father. This is why people have FROR (first right of refusal) for extended periods of time.
I really doubt a 3 yr old eats $2000 a month. Not ev en those obese kids on Dr Phil would eat THAT much. CS is for food, shelter, power, water, heating. And he must be earnign some terrific kind of money for that amount for a child.
If you seek any kind of change of CS it may be clever of you to agree to invest the difference ($1000) in a 529 College fund for the child. This way it looks like he is preparing for his sons future education which can NEVER be a bad thing.
Does the BM work? I would certainly try for an extended vacation time. What is the nature of your business? Will it be from home? Are your hours flexible? Will you have clients coming by?
3-4 yr olds re not able to be left alone for periods of time so it really depends on how much time you can put in to taking care of him or rather his FATHER taking care of him.
The worst case scenario would be a violently ill child and a full day of business. Could your DH cope with it? No, not you. This is HIS son and if he thinks he could cope alone with it then consider it. If you immediately think you would be taking over and taking care of his sick child then don't consider it for a while.
When my s/sons were younger my DH never expected me to stay home and take care of his sick children. They aren't mine, they are his responsibility.
OK in reading your response,
OK in reading your response, no. If your DH is not prepared to put in the time to getting his son ready for school when you are both running/working for the same business then neither of you are ready for this. Honey, it will only lerad to resentment on your part. You are attending toa child without recognition or say-so in his upbringing unless your DH lets you.
I agree...it's very noble of
I agree...it's very noble of you to want to take the lead and be the family person, but eventually all the things you will do for your SS because your DH can't (because of work or whatnot) will weigh on you.
I used to feel like step-mom extraordinaire, and took on a ton of those responsibilites with the skids. There's no way FDH could have kept his visitation schedule without me in his life, becuase he works every morning at either 5:30 or 6:30. So I get the kids ready. He also can't pick htem up from daycare. So I do. Beleive me, this gets old, even if you DO truly love your skid. It's just the little things that end up building up resentment.
I think you should wait to see what happens with your new business -- you have no idea where that road will lead in the first year. Keep an open mind about it all but don't shoot for changes written in stone yet. You may find that once you are settled in that you change your mind a little bit about going for 50/50.
Also, most advice I've read on here say that unless there is a reason such as neglect or time issues, that most judges won't really change an order once it's made, because they feel that changing things will actually be detrimental to children. Just something I've heard...guess it depends on the judge.
AND I do truly feel that if she's getting $2000 a month (HOLY CRAP!) that she WILL throw a HUGE FIT....and will fight it as hard as she can.
Sorry to be kind of doom and gloom!
I appreciate the doom and
I appreciate the doom and gloom, this is why I wanted some advice before bringing it up w DH! I do know that I would be doing my fare share of the work (which is why DH will never bring it up w me if I don't say anything) and so I am glad to hear from other people.
Right now we don't have a court-ordered agreement, it was just mediation so I think we may have a chance to change the visitation schedule if we try.
And I agree that CS is RIDICULOUS! The worst part it, the mediation agreement clearly states that the amount is for food ONLY and that all other expenses have to be split 50/50 on top of CS. The CS isn't based on his income, it is an amount they agreed to while DH was still in med school and once they got around to mediation, DH did not contest it. Later, when I pointed out that the agreement specified that all additional expenses were not included he seemed kind of surprised, not shocking that he didn't read before he signed. Because it was mediation, there were no lawyers involved (just the mediator) and DH did not ask questions like he should have. We are going to modify CS this summer anyway, directly from DH's income because there is no way we can continue to pay this much with a new business. Plus, we are moving to a new house and I know she is going to assume that this means we are rolling in the dough from our new business and she is going to try to guilt DH into giving her more money. I am sure she will pitch a fit when she gets the CS modification papers but I think DH has been supporting her long enough.
How on earth did they come to
How on earth did they come to the agreement that feeding ONE child costs $2,000?? That is assinine!! It absolutely blows my mind. I CANNOT BELIEVE that he also pays 50% of everything OTHER than food!! WHAT!
When BM got pregnant DH was
When BM got pregnant DH was in med school. When he started giving her money, it was supposed to be for everything not just food. SS was born w a bad kidney so he has been in and out of hospitals and has to take at least 3 different medications daily, pretty much since birth and this got really expensive. FIl has quite a bit of money so as soon as they found out SS was sick (he was a couple months old) FIL offered to help DH out w the expenses whenever DH fell short so that he wouldn't have to drop out of med school. Fast forward 3 and a half years and DH got used to paying $2000 monthly so he did not see the need to change anything. When I pointed out that the agreement specified that this money was no longer going to cover clothes and medication he got upset but didn't really know what to do about it. DH doesn't like stirring things up w BM and is always trying to "keep the peace" and things did not really click until I kept all of the receipts for a month of everything he paid for SS and added in the CS and then subtracted how much he and I spend on food for a month. He was shocked. Between the two of us we spend maybe a quarter of what he pays in CS on food. Now that he realizes this, he wants to change it and I figured since we were changing CS we should maybe change visitation too but now I am seriously rethinking it!!!! :?
I wouldn't volunteer. Also
I wouldn't volunteer. Also the dynamics could change. You'd get 50/50 (unless you're in NY, MA or CA) and all of a sudden DH could decide to be guilty daddy in order for SS not to want to go back to the BMs.
Not good.
And he must be earnign some terrific kind of money for that amount for a child.
Not if you live in one of the "BM HITS THE LOTTERY" states in the U.S. (NY, MA, CA)
GG pays 1,000 a month and he makes $15 an hour.
I hadn't considered the
I hadn't considered the guilty daddy thing. I am just getting him out of this now, I don't want to revert back to that! Thank you!!
If there is a great disparity
If there is a great disparity in how much each party works, then that will work against you in CS. The court will still want the child to maintain his current lifestyle. So what could happen is that she may still be able to keep all of her child support and will have a break 50% of the time.
Realistically could you deal with that - That she will get all of her child support while you incur more expense by having the child half the time. If Dh is not use to fulltime parenting then most of the work may land on you. DH may not want to be a fulltime parent - and by saying something you may not be giving him an option.
And on top of all this - imagine that you have to parent by some of BM's rules. So essentially you will be a babysitter who you pay to take care of and who you will never recognize you as any sort of parental figure.
So either you will end up resenting having the kid around or your DH will resent you for wanting him to be a fulltime parent - meaning he will not get to do some of his activities.
Sounds appealing huh?
We use to have 50/50 custody,
We use to have 50/50 custody, and now we have less. I actually enjoy it more this way, because it gives us more lengthy time together and allows for my FH and I to have time to get ourselves together.
i think it totally depends on your own personal situation