can i trust this man????
ok i am seriously looking for some advice here. this will be long so bare with me. i met my bf a year ago while i was living in new york. i had my own business there and a pretty comfy life. he was there on business from denver - we met through a friend. we fell in love and kept a long distance relationship going. during the time we met, he had been seperated for 6 months from a 17 year marriage with 2 kids and in the process of a divorce. his divorce was final about 4 months into our relationship and a couple months later we took a trip to italy together - he proposed (with a gigantic diamond) while we were there and asked me to move to denver. i was reluctant about moving to denver because i had heard horror stories of ex wives and skids, also i felt like i was giving up alot. after a month or so of talking through everything and all of his reassurances that his divorce was over along time ago and that we would move out of state after 6 months and start a new life together (blah blah blah) i decided to move to him. oh btw he has had a vasectomy and swore up and down he would get a reversal afer i got there (of course this has not happened).
it was bliss for a month - we moved into a beautiful loft and leased a very nice car for me - said i didn't have to work for a while since i gave up so much and he wants me to find work i will be happy with. well now i have been here for 3 months and it has been HELL. so much has been revealed about his ex wife that i had no idea about - he said his divorce was the easiest in history (it wasn't - she was calling him crying when she found out i was in the picture saying she didn't want a divorce even though she left him for another man, she also said she will make his life hell..she got all of her family members involved and soaked him for big $$). she had taken him to a surgery he needed months back and he lied and said his friends took him.
before the lies started trickling in and i saw the full picture the bm didn't even bother me and now every day is torture. he is always talking to her during work hours, emailing and texting all the time even though he says it's about the kids, when he goes over there and picks the kids up he goes into the house. one time he was even kicking the soccer ball with this son in the front yard while i am waiting in the car and bm is in the living room! btw the house has been up for sale - they are having a hard time selling it. bm has been living there with her BF she left my bf for (now ex bf- they just broke up a week or 2 ago) and kids. now since her BF is not around she is not taking care of the house, yard or anything. she calls bf and threatens to move out and stick him with the responsibilities of the house because he has having too much fun in his new life. the real estate agent says the house cannot sell becaues of poor maintenance and now my bf says he must go over there and paint, do gardening and hire a house keeper. the friggin bm does not work and constanlty calls and harrasses my bf calls him an a--hole if he doesn't return her calls or curses him out if she finds out he's talking to her in front of me. he swears up and down that he is over the relationship and that he loves me.
now he says he overestimated his finances and cannot afford to take care of me (but then when i say i will go back to new york he gets upset and begs me not to go - of course i have always been independant and stresses me out that i cannot find a job). he also says that he is trying to have a good relationship with her for his kids but there is clearly too much emotion in their conversation. i asked for him to start setting small boundaries with her like to not going inside the house anymore, do anymore work for her and to tell her to not call him during work hours but to call at our home in the evening, unless it's an emergency. at first he agreed to doing this because he knew i was about to leave to go back to new york - now he says he cannot set those boundaries right now but that he will over time. i just don't think i have it in moe to give anymore time. i know he loves me but my gut tells me he might be confused because bm is now single and manupulating him. also his 9 yr daughter and i are very close and his 16 yo son is warming to me slowly. i just don't know what to do at this point. we have started going to therapy which he prides himself in because he has never gone to therapy before. he says he needs to work on stuff but does not want to do it without me.
any suggestions????
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My suggestions only...
I would pack up and go back to where you moved from. If he has no boundaries now and he has already lied about things, chances are the boundaries will never be put in place and stay in place and the lies will continue throughout your relationship. You deserve more than this.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if I had of listened to my gut feelings a couple of years ago, i would not be in the mess I am in today.
Whether you stay or go, we are here for you. Do some soul searching my friend!
Corie
thanks so much for your post
thanks so much for your post and suggestion corie.
You reallt answered that
You reallt answered that already- if you already feel like the spare tire then you're only important when he needs you!How is it that he's not able to support you but is doing this volunteer work for the ex and hiring someone to clean for her meanwhile she doesn't work???? Even when I worked I still cleaned my house!!!
The bottom line sounds like most- they do think it would be nice to remain friends but they don't remember what that really means anymore after having the relationship with these other people its always hard to get back to friends and hes not even setting boundaries- If he insists on going in then I would too, then when BM flips you ask him how many of his other "friends" have had that reaction- he might understand then! Good Luck!
There is no reaon where logic does not exist
is not about trust
is not about trust ,is about peace of main ,you need all this in your life? life is short my friend ,this nightmare of yours would never ever ends i think you enter in a nightmare, i mean how you enter in a relationship like that? trust me now just cut , i am single and not childrens, single life is a blessing ,i read al this nightmares and i think this is life,, i do whatever i whant freedon total freedon, i advise to you ,just enjoy single life,keep you relationships short and to the point ,
It's called emotional enmeshment
when the exes just can't sever their ties. Of course they will always be tied because of the kids. But he is going above and beyond what he needs to do for her. A housekeeper..that's crazy! I agree with Corie, I would give a lot of consideration to returning to your life in NY. He's asked you to give up a lot, and is not giving you anything in return, even the things he promised you. Being a step parent and dealing with BM is one of the hardest things you could ever go through..so if you still have a chance to get out I would, before you are in too deep! Maybe give him one more chance, you spell out the boundaries you want him to take or you are leaving immediately. Don't give him any more time to act on them, because if he can't do it now..he probably won't in the future.
Good luck. Let us hear what you decide!
If you really love him
Then you set the boundaries and give him a timeframe of when they should happen. One of the problems getting involved so early in the game is there are no distinct boundaries. But you have figured out that you and bf need them in order to make it. Write them down on paper and then calmly discuss with him. It's not impossible but it will take time. They can be civil to each other but not "friends"...she is insecure and jealous of you. She thought the grass was greener and then figured out she left something good. Don't let her take that from you if you really love him. IT IS HARD! But he can establish boundaries if he really loves you. Continue on the counseling and work on the boundary issue. Obviously some of the boundaries can't change until the house sells. Decide whether or not you can "let it go" for a little while because you too will benefit form the house selling. Once the ex-wife is in another house your bf is less likely to go in, play soccer in the yard etc... it will be the main split. I'm sure there are some things in there that are his assets also. Let him deal with all of it and express to him what your limitations are (I would start with no phone calls unless emergency or dealing with the house...maybe have him insist only on text messages or emails...whatever makes you comfortable). We all deal with the "lies" but he didn't tell you because he knew you'd get really mad. Tell him the lying makes you more mad and is a dealbreaker...no more lies. GOOD LUCK
thanks for all the helpful
thanks for all the helpful postings everyone. well i have decided to go to new york for a couple weeks then visit my sister so i can clear my head. yesterday i saw a big box in his car and asked him what it was. he says he was shipping it to BM sister. i was totally pissed and asked him why on earth he continues to do things for her. his reply was that it was for bm's sister's daughter and that she is very close with his son and that his son asked him to do it. of course i don't know what is true - is it for his bm's sister or the daughter..or did BM ask him to do it or his son. he got defensive and said he shouldn't have to sever ties with her other family members because they were close. i never brought this up so i dind't feel there was a need for him to defend himself. anyway whatever the truth is i need to clear my head. he went out for a business dinner last night and didn't come home til 11:00pm. of course he sends me an email at 3:00 that afternon to let me know about the dinner even though he says in the morning he'll be home at a decent hour(something he has been doing alot lately due to a big promotion he got within his company i guess)...grrrr...
Right Decision
You have made the right decision. Sounds like there's an awful lot of game playing going on in his life. It may be normal for him, but it's not normal. Encourage him to continue the counseling without you and see how that flies. My guess it won't...and that, my dear, will give you your final catalyst to make the final decision.
Enjoy your time in NY and with sis. You deserve it. Keep us abreast of how things end up.
Soccer in the Yard...
Oh gosh...it's over 2 years that we're together and the boundaries are just starting to be more defined...But I know what you mean about soccer in the yard. On one occasion where we all had to be together at their old house that the BM and kids still live in, the BM put up a net and there was my hubby, and his three kids playing badminton in their old front yard...When the BM said..."Oh I should get my camera and take their picture" I almost puked!!! In my head I shouted...NO FRIGGIN WAY should you be taking photos of my husband playing in your front yard with his kids..And I certainly didn't want photos of him and his kids in her front yard in my photo album...I'd rather wait til all of them are at our house before taking photos...does that make sense? Being a second wife made me not as sweet and as kindhearted as I used to be. Makes me sad. So,
Good luck my friend from NY....it doesn't get better if his attitude is the way it is now. Divorced Dads want their cake and they want to eat it too.
PS My hubby's kids are teens and my hubby STILL goes into their house to hang with them whenever. He used to watch TV there with them once a week even! Drove me nuts. Don't tell me the ex was Never home! I wasn't born yesterday. Anyway, I just hope he doesn't still have a key...I'm afraid to ask.