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To Deflect

Unhappy's picture

verb (used with object), verb (used without object)
to bend or turn aside; turn from a true course or straight line; swerve.

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How many of your SOs, BFs, and DHs have used this one before.

DH and I got into an arugement last night because of how he inadvertently underminds me. He's done it twice so far this week.

1.) I walk into the house Monday after work SS(5) comes running through past me screaming for no reason. I stop SS and tell him that we don't run in the house and that we use inside voices.

DH's response, "He's just excited," right in front of SS. I thinking way to go DH. Now SS thinks that it's okay to run and scream in the house and he can just blow me off.

2.) Last night both SS and SD are slapping each other. SS comes into the kitchen to tell me that SD slapped him. SD comes out and I ask her if she did. She says yes but SS slapped her as well. All three of walk out into the living room where DH is and I said that SD was in trouble for slapping SS because she knows she is not supposed to touch the other kids like that. (SD has issues with taking things to the extreme and someone always gets hurt.)

DH's response, "They were probably just playing." SD immediately turns and looks at me and says yay we were just playing in this eff you, daddys got my back voice.

I thinking first of all, SS came out to tell on her, I'm sure it wasn't playing and even if it was playing hitting another person should not be involved.

So we go out into the garage and talk about it. I had to remind him that I have witnessed SD intentionally slam SS's head into the coffee table when they were playfully wrestling because she has to win. We both agreed that they would both be in trouble which I thought was fair.

Later that evening I'm talking to DH about how he has been underminding me when he does these things and this could be why SD treats my like I'm her eaqual and of course he doesn't want to talk about it. So what does he do he tries to turn the tables on me by bringing up some injustice that I've done to him which has nothing to do with what were talking about to try and make me look like an a hole. I called him on his BS and were did we go from there? He starts in on my BD(7) calling her immature for her age and saying that she has speech problems. To which I responded with some comments about his kids, like his out of control BD's behavioral problems like lying to a CPS worker and having bad thoughts about stabbing DH and I while we are dancing naked in the living room.

I know that I should have walked away but I'll be damned if I'm going to let him makes comments about my BD. She's a good kid. Very sweet. Does great in school. Very nice to her school mates and respectful of all her teachers.

I hate when he does that. In stead of wanting to talk about something that needs to be talked about he just deflects the conversation to something else to either make me look bad or get me heated and then he expects an apology.

Am I the only one?

Comments

Shaman29's picture

You are not alone. Deflection and transference of anger.

The weekend before 4th of July, DH was an ASS to me because he was pissy about his kid blowing him off once again. Monday morning, he blew up at me because I asked him to move his travel bag from the table to the floor, so it wouldn't scratch the table. I was called a ball busting bitch.

When we finally "discussed" it, I was told it wasn't his fault because he walks on eggshells around me because of my illnesses. That he feels he can't talk to me about what's frustrating him because I "look" so tired all of the time. WTF??

Let me get this straight, Uberskank and his kid piss him off, he can't (read won't) talk about it to me because he's walking on eggshells because I "look" tired all of the time. When I ask him to move a bag from the table to the floor, he blows up at me for being, and I quote, "a ball busting bitch". And it's all my fault because I'm dealing with some severe health issues.

Okay. Got it.

Oh...and I figured all of this out on my own without the aid of a doctor who is well versed in psychology, psychoanalysis and parapsychology.

We should start our own deflection club. Our T-shirts can say "Hey...it's not our fault because..........(fill in reason here)"

Unhappy's picture

You get the walking on eggshells comment too. I thought I was the only one.

DH thinks that he's walking on eggshells because I finally blow up on him because he can't (read won't) help enforce the rules that we set in place for the kids. And after almost three years I've finally gotten to the point that I forgot from his daughter and shrug just doesn't fly with me anymore when we're have the same rules for two years.

DH's excuse:

I just didn't see it.

My thought:

How can you not see a 5 year old screaming at you (because they view themselves as an equal to you because you have allowed it) because they don' want to do what you've asked them.

Shaman29's picture

Whenever DH's kid tells me she forgot, I always respond with No you didn't, you simply decided not to do X because you're lazy.

I also get DH saying "I didn't see it"

My thought "How did you possibly miss your 13 year old daughter ignoring the question I just asked her, right in front of you?"

His answer . Maybe she didn't hear you.

I swear if I had known then what I know now......................

Unhappy's picture

Is it really going to be like this when his kids get older? I hope not. I flat out told him last night that I am disengaging from his kids. Not because of his kids, but because I'm tiered of the sorry BS excuses and I'm tiered of arguing. He can deal with their messes, their rooms, their laundry, their bathromm, and whatever else they do. I'm done with it. If he's not going to actually work on a solution that we have agreed on that's fine. But I don't have to deal with the consequences of his inability to follow through.

He made a comment to me last night right in front of SD because I using my computer, actually I was posting on my thread from yesterday' and SD came over and was trying to read what I had typed. (The last thing I need for her to do is tell BM I go to this website.) I asked her to stop. Did she listen? Nope. So I started to close my laptop a little bit and then a little bit more and then a little bit more and she kept leaning down trying to read what I had typed. So finally I moved my elbow towards her to shew her away and then she freaks out and goes and sits on the love seat and pouts. So of course I get jumped on by DH. I had to explain to DH that I already asked her to stop and she didn't listen. It's not like I even touched the kid. But of course DH's first reaction is, "what did you do to my kid."

Shaman29's picture

You have the same problem I had with my DH. He immediately jumps to the aid of his child, instead of his wife.

I had to have a serious sit-down with DH about 3.5 yrs ago,nearly 4 years ago. I basically told him I was leaving him. That I had enough of both he and his child continually being disrespectful towards me. That he disregarded my words and feelings when it came to dealing with his child. That he was allowing his child to treat me badly.

He claimed that he didn't, that he didn't do anything at all. I said exactly, by you not defending me, standing by me, you are giving your child a big green light to treat me like s**t. I said DH, I AM YOUR WIFE. Do you understand what that means? I'm your partner, you should be backing me up 100% all of the time. Even if you don't agree with me, you should never, ever show me anything but unity in front of your kid.

That fortunately was the kick in the ass DH needed. I didn't give him an ultimatum, but I did tell him I was going to leave him because I just couldn't take it any more.

Now did everything get better? No, it did not, but it got to a more tolerable level. I still have to deal with his idiotic drama from time to time. There are still more days in the week that I think I'd be happier on my own again.

And a child invading your personal space is not okay and he should respect that always. Your business is definitely not their business. I think I would have lost it on the kid. Kudos to you for keeping your cool.

Unhappy's picture

And a child invading your personal space is not okay and he should respect that always. Your business is definitely not their business. I think I would have lost it on the kid. Kudos to you for keeping your cool.

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She's always doing stuff like that. If I'm texting DH I get the, Who's that? Is that daddy? What are you saying? Or if i'm not around she'll just pick up my phone and read it. This kid is only 7. DH and I actually caught her one time when we were taking a bath together in our bedroom after she was supposed to be in bed spying on us through the small crack in the door. Imagine what she's going to be like when she's a teenager.

imjustthemaid's picture

Anytime I say anything at all about SD15, DH starts right in about DD10 who for the most part is a sweet little girl. She has her moments but he is always at work. He will bring something up from 5 yrs ago when she was 5. Give me a break!! Then he will say I am too hard on SD!! Um no.

But my DH is the great deflector! If he hears in my voice I am upset about something, he automatically starts in about something unrelated. Then I am like wait at minute, what the heck are we talking about!!

My only defense to this craziness is when he starts in on DD, I just stop talking and walk away. He finally admitted my silence is driving him crazy!! Good!! I am actually getting a kick out of it Smile

Unhappy's picture

Here's what frustrates me with DH and finding a solution.

The solution is always easy to find and say but what about the follow through? His comment last night after I pointed out that he has been underminding me is I've gotten better. I haven't done it in at least six months. I had to point out to him that yes he did a couple of months back with his daughter.

It was late and she was alseep so I turned her T.V. off. She woke up and freaked out about five minutes later and wanted it back on. I told her no, that it was late, and she needed to go back to bed. DH walks out of the bathroom, doesn't know what's going on, and immediately takes his daughters side. I finally just walked away from the situation and to my surprise DH turns the T.V. back on. (And he wonders why his daughter doesn't respect me.) DH tried to deny doing this at first and then said he didn't know that I had told her daughter no more T.V. BS DH. That's what the arguement was about when you confronted me in front of your daughter.

Back to the topic. I also pointed out the he has underminded me twice in one week just this WEEK. No you're not getting better. You're just not blantant about like you used to be.

I hate when he does or says something and then all of a sudden it never happened. I told him last night I'm going to go out and buy a tape recorder and record our conversations so that when he denies saying or doing something I can be really? Let's listen to the tape.

Unhappy's picture

If you're dealing with what I'm dealing with I feel for you. It drives me nuts.

DH actually tracked me down on this website and spies on me and then he gets mad that I post stuff on this forum. The last time I flat out told him that if you don't like what I have to say then quit cyber stalking me.

Shaman29's picture

Ahhhh...deflecting again. He doesn't like your posts but he won't do anything to change his behavior.

Last night I showed DH the $10 blog, because it was so dang funny. I said, now I'm showing you my screen name and you're seeing the sight. This is my safety place to vent my frustrations. If you chose to comeback and read my blogs, then be forewarned. I will not apologize to you if you get your feelings hurt.

Unhappy's picture

DH has actually gone as far at to tell me that I can't talk about his kids on this website. I was like, um. no. You don't get to tell me what I can and cannot say and if you don't like me saying something about your kids then do something to change the situation.

ownedbypedro's picture

Yep, I think these dh's know when they're guilty or when we are right about the skids but they don't like to admit or feel helpless to DO anything about it.

When I called out my (ex) dh years ago on the fact that his BRATS never called him to say "how are you" or "happy birthday", etc. etc. but they sure could call when they wanted $$$$, he did the whole deflecting, change of subject thing.

So I was like WOA, hang on, you are not even acknowledging what I just said. Then he got mad and said he heard me and I wasn't wrong but he didn't like having his face rubbed in it.

Well heaven forbid he would call the nasty brats on it and put a stop to the money grubbing phone calls if they couldn't call any other time.