DH and BM's conversation yesterday….
As I mentioned to you all before, SD14 asked DH and I, if she could move in with us. DH, of course, is all for it. He feels that SD would have a better shot at a future if she was with us. He's right, but I'm not so sure if it will really end well. Even so, I support whatever he wants to do as far as his child is concerned (within reason). Same way he has supported me and mine.
Yesterday, DH called BM. This is his 2nd attempt at trying to reach out to her about the issue. Both times she has ignored his call. So yesterday, he left her a VM. In his message he said to her "I've been trying to speak with you in regards to our daughter. I know you are aware that she'd like to come live with me so she can attend HS here in my district. I would like us to get on the same page because this is not about ME or YOU, this is about HER. It would be a great thing for her. Call me so we can discuss."
BM sends him a text.
"Sorry, she's not living there. If there is a bus and she is willing to travel for school, that's on her, but living? No."
LOL…BM lives in NY and we are in NJ. And we live 45 miles away from her. So in what land of cookooville she thinks that a BUS will cross state lines for a public school, I have no idea.
DH decides to text her back. His text went like this:
"We both know that you don't have acceptable living arrangements for her. She is 14 not 7. She needs her own space, she also needs better supervision. Here, the bus will pick her up in front of my house. She won't need to take a train or walk by herself in a a dangerous neighborhood. 2 and 3 times out of the week she sleeps in someone else's house, instead of being with you. At least here, we will always know where she is and what she is doing. Well, now that I know your answer I'll know what I have to do. I just wanted to give you a heads up so that you don't get taken by surprise. I want her here by the time she is done with Freshman year."
BM replies: NOPE. You didn't think about space when she (referring to me) kicked your son out of your house. That's REALLY funny! I spoke to SD14 and she changed her mind. So I'm not discussing this with her again and neither are you.
LOL…Then, I heard thru the grapevine that as SOON as she got that call from my DH she called my MIL and my SIL. They are her ride or dies and always have her back instead of my DH's which is why we don't have a relationship with them anymore. So there it is folks…the drama has been unleashed and this is gonna get REAL interesting. I shall keep you all updated!
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I agree that he should drop
I agree that he should drop it. His daughter, sadly, is BM's clone. Physically AND personality wise. She will bring a LOT of drama into my home if this happens. I prefer the reverse psychology role. "DH I am ALL FOR IT! Gung HO! Whatever you want!"
When in fact I'm praying he doesn't go thru with it but if he feels resistance from me, he will push harder. So for now, I'll play the supportive card and see what happens.
DH lasted 4 years without ANY
DH lasted 4 years without ANY contact with his family. He just recently started talking to his mother again because she is REALLY old and I pushed him to try and mend fences with HER. I know very well that if that old lady died while DH and her had unresolved issues it would blowback on our marriage. I want nothing to do with them and they are not welcome in our home but they have ALWAYS chosen that bum bitch BM over him. It disgusts me.
BM will NOT let go without a
BM will NOT let go without a fight. She lives off of unemployment and child support. If SD leaves, the 10k a year she gets from DH are GONE and she will be forced to find a job.
SD14 text me last night. She told me that she was stressed out and that how long does she have to make a decision. I told her that her dad was planning to file next week and that she shouldn't be stressed out because this is grown folks nonsense and she should just let them duke it out.
I asked her "I thought you were 100% sure this is what you wanted?"
She said "I'm 60/40 now."
Which honestly, blew me away cause for the last month ALL she has done is BEGGED us to get her out of there.
So curiosity got the best of me.
Me: "60/40? LOL…What changed?"
SD: "Mom told me that I always quit everything I start & that I never know what I want."
Me: "What are you quitting?"
SD: "My program."
Me: "What program?"
SD: "My police program."
Me: "What police program are you talking about SD, you've never mentioned this program before."
SD: "She is signing me up for it."
Ahhhhh…the light bulb went off. Here come the "gifts, the bribes, the shopping, the gadgets" typical BM move. She did it with SS too when he decided to move in with us.
So I am telling DH to not waste his time on this. I am going to show him SD's texts and tell him that his daughter is pulling a typical teen move trying to play one off the other and that we shouldn't invest any energy into this mess. Let's see what he says, he might not back down.
BM doesn't have rules. So in
BM doesn't have rules. So in a way it's kind of interesting that she would WANT to leave her. MY house has rules and LOTS OF THEM. So I'm not sure what's going thru her head at the moment.
LOL…At age 16, SS moved in
LOL…At age 16, SS moved in with us too. He stayed with us for 5 years. I kicked him out when at age 21 he flunked out of his first semester of college, couldn't hold a job and refused to follow ANY rules.
As far as her home not being suitable goes...
It really isn't. SD14 sleeps on the same bed with her mom. SS22 sleeps on the living room floor.
She won't get a lawyer, she refused counsel when he took her to court for SS.
SD would not be allowed to live with us if it was just by her choosing, without legal paperwork, I wouldn't allow it. BM's suggestion of SD traveling to our home for school is simply her way of saying "Sure, she can go to your school, as long as I have residential custody and I can keep getting your checks."
Honestly? I hope it all falls thru and she ends up staying with her mother. I could do without it.
I spoke to SD14 and she
I spoke to SD14 and she changed her mind.
Laid a guilt trip on her is probably more like it.
Absolutely and probably used
Absolutely and probably used the debacle between SS and myself as her template. "What, you wanna go live over there so UFR can boss you around and tell you what to do and then when you refuse she can throw you out like she did to your poor brother?"
I wish I had been a fly on that wall!!!
I agree
I agree
Well, hell. While I'm always
Well, hell. While I'm always on the lookout for a skid playing both ends against the middle (my own did that), in this case I think it's all BM. Her "never gonna happen" was instant and had nothing at all to do with SD or what was best for her. She didn't even want to entertain a conversation about what was good for SD - all she cared about was saying "no" and making it stick. Bleh.
For your sake, I hope BM keeps her. (Although for your SD's sake I hope your DH can get custody. I agree she'd be better off.)
Exactly, for MY sake it's
Exactly, for MY sake it's best if SD stays where she is. For SD's sake however, if I were to be COMPLETELY honest, she would be better off with us.
I'm going to show him my
I'm going to show him my convo with SD when I get home tonight. I want to see what he thinks about it. I will also explain to him how manipulative girls are and that this might very well be the first real taste of it with SD.
That is why she will fight
That is why she will fight tooth and nail to NOT let this happen. She needs her cash cow!
UFR you just can't catch a
UFR you just can't catch a break!
I'm sorry I hope everything pans out for the best. Buckle up
SS was afraid to speak at
SS was afraid to speak at court too. His mother laid on the guilt like no tomorrow. "Why are you doing this to me? Why do you wanna leave me alone? You're gonna LEAVE ME like your father did? You don't love me?"
SS was so shaken up that he started crying in the court room.
The judge appointed a GAL and SS spoke to her. She then told the courts that SS did in fact want to live with his father.
SD is different. She WILL choose whichever side GIVES her what she wants. If BM lets her roam free, buys her everything she wants (she's VERY materialistic) she will stay with her mother.
LMFAO!!!! I actually DO crack
LMFAO!!!! I actually DO crack the fuck up. That's why I am so entertained when all this shit pops off cause she's so fucking entertaining!!!!
You won't be able to UNSEE
You won't be able to UNSEE her. It's bad. Trust us.
Equal time wouldn't work with
Equal time wouldn't work with us because we live in 2 separate states. But yes, she is DEFINITELY buying SD's loyalty.
Tog, but you know he won
Tog, but you know he won before right? And all it took was $1500.00 for a lawyer, and 3 court visits, in a NYC family courtroom and he got SS16 immediately. It was SO obvious to the judge that the BM was a nutterbugger and it worked against her.
However, believe me, I KNOW what you are saying. BM will do anything it takes to make sure that CS does not leave her purse. Like I said, I'm going to have a chat with DH about SD's texts and see how he feels about it.
He never wavered but he was
He never wavered but he was afraid to speak up. She's almost 15, but she IS waffling because BM is laying on the guilt. This whole police program thing is utter bullshit. I honestly could give 2 shits, I would MUCH prefer for SD to stay with BM. However, I KNOW that as SD gets a little older, BM will be begging DH to take her because she won't be able to handle her and at THAT point, my answer will be ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOT.
The other factors that helped
The other factors that helped DH get SS were his school records. His attendance was atrocious as were his grades. When they sent ACS to do a site visit, the difference in homes was glaring. The schools were/are worlds apart.
With SD's school records alone, he'd have a shot. But I completely believe that no matter how well meaning we are, SD being wishy washy on the move will not bode well for DH.
I think I am going to suggest that he let the dust settle before he actually goes to file. Not sure if he'll listen to me though.
Isn't that just awful? I
Isn't that just awful? I can't understand how a mother wouldn't want what's best for their child. But I guess the power of the DICK is stronger than the power of motherly love.
Oh this is absolutely a
Oh this is absolutely a possibility.
Ah.....the battle for the
Ah.....the battle for the kid. Fun times right?
Here is a funny one for you. My SD14 lives with us full time. The mom let her live with us when we moved cuz she wanted to party. She did not care to much about CS because she was getting 885.00 a month in Alimony. And we had to pay for two tickets a year for SD to visit her mom. On the CO, they had 50/50 custody. With SD being able to pick where she wanted to live at 14.
(and believe me, I was hoping she would go back to mommy dearest)
Now fast forward to today. Hubby went to court a few months back for full with no visitations. Court took about 10 mins with him winning. She has a whole mess of issues.
So she called SD the other night telling her she is going to go back to get custody. Told her it was not fair the way the dad did it. Going for it when she was in 90 rehab, court case for stabbing someone and tons of DUIs. Just not fair. Oh, and homeless as well.
Bawhahahaha
We told SD, that is great she is going to go to court. That would mean she got her life together enough for a judge to grant her any kind of custody. Works for us. Then she can get her visitations back and she will have it together to buy your ticket. And, if she really has it together, and you want to, you can live with her and visit us.
That shocked SD. She did not know what to say back. Lol
Oh man.... you know how I
Oh man.... you know how I feel about this..
Does SD14 really and truly want to come and live with you guys for the RIGHT reasons? Does SHE really and truly want better for herself? Some of the things your DH is saying are word for word the things my DH was saying when SD14 moved in with us. He wanted better for her, our house was more stable, DH could keep better track of her, GBM never knew where she was 1/2 the time, she could have her own room that she could keep organized etc etc. That was all fine and dandy.. I get that DH wanted to try and help SD, but the bottom line was SD had zero desire to help SD. So she changed her location, but SHE didn't change. She was still failing school, still spending the night at friends 3-4 days a week, still running off to GBM/BM every chance she got, still living like a filthy slob. And of course she had BM and GBM whispering in her ear every chance they got about how I was so horrible, DH was so horrible, etc.
I know your DH feels like he has to try, but good Lord Almighty... I worry about YOU and what this will do to your home. :O
Oh I'm with you 100% Sue2. I
Oh I'm with you 100% Sue2. I have been his #1 champion all the way despite my TRUE feelings on the topic. I really believe that he has not only earned my support but it would be the death of my marriage if I didn't support him.
He has been my lifeline with BS17 and GB so of course I have to vibe with him here as well, even if deep down I'm dreading it.
My take on the convo was that BM is dangling carrots at SD so she can confuse her.
SD has NEVER spoken to any of us about any police program. Quite the contrary, she has always complained that her mom signs her up for things that she doesn't want to do and then never bothers to take her to these activities anyway.
Here is what I TRULY believe….
I feel that SD has seen what a God awful year my son had and that despite that, he has managed to trek forward. Being accepted into college and getting ready to graduate and go away to school. I think she wants that for herself. I truly believe she wants that and that she knows that the only way it is going to happen for her, is if she is with us. She knows her mom can't help her with HW (she's REALLY dumb) she knows her mom is too busy enjoying the single, care free, lets get piss dunk life to care about what is happening with SD.
She wants a shot at a good future. That is ONE part of her. The other part of her however, knows that it will not be easy and that she will have to come to grips with the rules and with the fact that in my home, I call the shots, not her. She is conflicted, she wants the GOOD parts, she doesn't want the hard parts.
In a couple of years I
In a couple of years I definitely don't want her in my home. A couple of years from now she'll be 18 and at THAT point I definitely don't want her in my house. She already does little passive aggressive things that I pretend not to notice because I am WAY better at the game than she is. If I give her a reaction, she will feel she has me where she wants me. Since I ignore her crap, she stops acting a fool.
It works like magic.
Little things like suggesting where we should go to dinner after I say where I wanna go. Trying to see if I'll get upset if DH decides to go with HER suggestion instead of mine. Instead, I always say "Oh ok, I'm cool with that." You can see the air wheezing out of the balloon when I don't put up a fight.
It's actually really funny to witness.
Tog - what teenager do YOU
Tog - what teenager do YOU know that can resist freedom, indulgence, lack of rules and guilt Disney parenting? THAT will win time and time again. By the time they realize that it was the WRONG choice, it'll be too late to do anything about it.