i'm at a crossroad with kaos
alright ladies, i need help with this one.
i have reached my limit. i am absolutely done with standing by and allowing my husband to be disrespected and screamed at by this kid. he's been on a roll for the last two days and my patience is GONE. i cant, i just cant, see it happen.
last night was argument/screaming/yelling b.s. all night until the kid finally sacked out, the final argument being when dh yanked the cord out of the xbox and told him to go the F to sleep - the kid went ape$#it. that was the most explosive i've ever heard from him. then this morning as i'm getting ready for work i hear them going at it again. every single thing is a challenge with this kid. dh was trying to make him get dressed, it was time go, and the kid was sqwaking about every.single.article of clothing in his closet or floor that dh picked up and told him to put on - "too small" "i dont weeeaaarrr that anymore" "too short" "it has a mark on it" "i dont like xyz part of it" "there's a mark on it" - and most of this was full volume screeching and screaming. dh said "i dont give a $#IT WHAT you wear, get dressed and get your A$$ in the CAR!"
when he got to the livingroom, i virtually hissed at him "if nothing he has in that f*cking room is good enough for his entitled a$$ i swear to GOD i will remove EVERYTHING in there and throw it right in the f*cking TRASH." dh responded through gritted teeth "i'm about effing at that point myself." (note- he wasnt being snotty to me, he was flaming pissed at kaos.) i said "and as far as his clothes go it's nobody's fault but his own that he's too f*cking lazy to wash the clothes that he likes to wear."
dh stepped outside for a smoke and to cool off. i finish taking care of the furbabies and start to grab my stuff to go. kaos must've found something to wear but had not yet brushed his teeth (again, dragging every step out just to be difficult). so he's brushing his teeth, making that disgusting sound he does. then i hear him spraying the freaking aerosol air freshener for like 45 straight seconds in the bathroom. he holds the button down and walks down the hallway to his room, then continues spraying for another 45 seconds.
i snapped. "really?" "whaaaaa?" "FINISH GETTING READY AND GET YOUR A$$ IN THE CAR LIKE YOUR FATHER TOLD YOU TO." he gave me a look like he wanted to spit on me, then went to put the air freshener back in the bathroom. then i hear it. one quick "shh" from the aerosol. I SAW RED. i grabbed my keys and left cuz if i had stepped towards the bathroom i would have shoved that aerosol can so far down his throat he'd fart floral for a month.
i am absolutely at my limit with letting go and disengaging. no one, and i mean NO ONE, will talk to my husband like that in front of me - i will NOT HAVE IT. he is my husband, my partner, we support eachother and take up for eachother. i'm sick of seeing it. and the attitude that is directed at me makes my head explode.
i was so livid all the way to work it took hours to cool down. i'm still in a foul mood, and it's gonna get worse since i highly doubt he's got anywhere else to go.
is this time to engage full-throttle? or do i need to find my zen and let them deal with eachother?
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Engage full throttle. Bag up
Engage full throttle. Bag up all of his shit in trash bags and toss them in the garage. Leave a mattress, sheet and blanket. Maybe a book. Buy him some white undershirts and khaki pants. Tell him hoodlums go to jail, if he wants to act like a hoodlum welcome to your own private jail.
kaos is 12 1/2. who has
kaos is 12 1/2. who has severe ADHD (and *i* think ODD). who lived most of his life as a momma's boy then got abandoned by her two and a half years ago.
That is the age that DSO and
That is the age that DSO and BM really had trouble with YSS, that they brought on by not getting him better counseling or being firm with him starting at age 2.
After YSS went to live with BM, her and her step dad called the cops every time YSS would get violent or belligerent. After a few times, they had to arrest him. 3 years in juvie and treatment centers for his ADHD and ODD, he was finally released 2 months ago today.
He is still the same and will probably be back in juvie soon.
I was about to say that it
I was about to say that it sounds like he has ODD
This is what I love about
This is what I love about steptalk, I get to learn about things before they happen to me.
I haven't witnessed a situation like this between my SO and any of his kiddos but with their age I know it is just a matter of time. I always wonder how to handle this situation if it happens in front of me because I am the same as OP, I think I would lose my shi* over it because no one is going to be ugly to him in front of me.
My sisters special needs child hits her all the time and when it happens in front of me I really have to walk away. I understand she is special needs but she is literally knocking the crap out of my sister and it does make me angry, and I do want to defend my sister against the person hitting her. It is a mixed up feeling that I imagine would be similar to witnessing what OP saw with DH.
Part of me wants to suggest
Part of me wants to suggest you avoid them both while they fight because your DH is the reason his own son is disrespecting him like he is and he will have to be the one to fix it. Make yourself busy far away from their toxic spewing.
The other part of me says remove every little single thing from his room but his mattress, and basic clothes. No toys, no furniture, no electronics and leave him a note for when he gets home from school that his things will return when he decided to be grateful for the things he has and who paid for them. He might not like his dad but he needs to respect him anyway and if he can't even get himself together in the mornings then he doesn't needs any toys or entertainment above the 6year old level until he can learn those toddler skills again. Put in the note he has one week straight to prove he can get up and ready for school without the arguing and back talk and only then will he start accumulating his luxury items back.
And if this doesn't work or your DH doesn't follow through them have your DH put that kid in after school care until dinner time. The kid doesn't want to be around your DH, you don't want to be abound the kid and it sounds like your DH is full of it too so an after school program for a few hours everyday might be in everyone's best interest if your DH can't handle taking his things until he deserves them back. The kid will be able to blow off steam with other kids and your DH can pick him up right before dinner so all you have to bare is dinner and bedtime.
By the time you (or anyone)
By the time you (or anyone) is pissed off, things have gone too far.
You mention several problems.
Electronics.
Unwashed clothes.
Slow to go through morning routine.
Back-talk.
Negative attitude.
Air freshener abuse. (You're not innocent on this one, tuff. You admitted you had plans for that air freshener that the manufacturer never intended.)
Soo.....
Obviously kaos is so slow in the morning because he's up too late due to electronics. Also because he has too many clothes to choose from, even nicely arranged on the floor for primo viewing. He is just not able to handle the stress of late nights, electronics, and the bounty of clean clothes you guys have graced him with. Nor, clearly, can he handle air freshener.
Electronics - GONE.
Bedtime - 9pm
Clothes - GONE. A weeks' worth of undergarments and two of everything else left.
Air freshener - CONFISCATED.
If he has questions, explain that you can see how stressed-out he's become, so you and DH have decided to help him out. Once he shows you for a few weeks that he can handle his $hit in the mornings, and the rest of the time he's clearly more relaxed and less stressed, then you're open to making changes.
Beautiful idea.
Beautiful idea. }:)
A perfect plan.
A perfect plan.
Great idea. I like this.
Great idea. I like this. Makes you seem like good guy while enforce discipline.
We don't have teens yet but I am going to bookmark this for sd for later.
If I were tuff, I'd
If I were tuff, I'd confiscate that d@mn air freshener and follow kaos around. I mean, follow "Fresh" kaos around. Any bad smells, just spray a little. Spray it, don't say it. }:)
the thing that makes me even
the thing that makes me even question engaging is because i KNOW this type and nothing, i mean nothing is gonna change.
WOB's @$$ is nothing compared to my own brother. believe you me i saw that $#it firsthand. he is bad adhd and had serious issues due to mom. dad had custody of us. he did everything he could, he never stopped giving consequences. ever. right up to his very last moment at home.
bro wrote tens of thousands of sentences. he was grounded for looong spans of time (one time for a year). he had dish-duty for six straight months. he had everything removed from his room but his mattress and a bible. the first time dad kicked him out, he ended up in jail. he begged and pleaded and swore he'd walk the straight and narrow - dad said "one chance." he blew it, almost costing dad his job and our home - kicked out permanently at age 16. landed back in jail and sat there for a year until his time was served. mom and dad were done.
it took him another decade to straighten himself out.
there are some people that are just built like that and there's nothing in the world that's gonna change it. dad was relentless in handing out consequences and it didnt make a d@mn bit of difference.
i see the same stubbornness in kaos. i want to lose my $#it, but i know he'll dig his heels in no matter what i do and i'd only be stressing myself to no end.
in typing all this out, i'm leaning towards finding my zen and renewing my resolve to disengage. anything else is pointless. i see times where dh wants to disengage from him too (like WOB's dh) cuz he knows it's hopeless.
*sobs*
You just described YSS.
You just described YSS. Problem is, DSO nor BM hand out consequences. Even the Judge told him that he knew how to behave he chose not too.
DSO would allow YSS to burn the house down and not call the cops on the brat. Some scary stuff, that's for sure.
Maybe that is your situation.
Maybe that is your situation. Bottom line, you should trust your judgement on what to do. You're probably right.
I tend to be a bit Polly-anna-ish, and maybe normalize things that just aren't normal. I don't live in your shoes, so what I suggest is based on what little I understand from what you've said.
The way people learn/change most effectively is with rewards. But a lot of parenting and society is based on punishment.
Rewards make certain behaviours more likely. Again, parenting and society tends to want to address the behaviours we want to STOP.
One technique is to add in competing behaviours, so that the unwanted behaviour can't be done. Like, if a kid has a bad habit of smacking their lips or biting their nails, get them to sing instead - can't use their mouth for lip-smacking or nail-biting while singing.
I obviously do not deal with anything like what you do. But there are times I've have gotten pretty frustrated with DD2. I've changed my approach to make things more 'positive' and rewards-based. It gives her a more positive attitude if she gets rewarded, rather than punished. Punishment is clearly demotivating!
I was so irritated at her gallivanting around instead of putting her jammies on, I told her that there would be no stories that night. So she stopped gallivanting, but of course there was anger and tears, and jammies didn't get on that much faster. Since why bother? No stories anyway. After that, I changed my approach. I now say, there's time for one story, but if you're fast getting your jammies on, we might be able to have two stories. If she's doing well, I compliment her and talk about how she's doing great at getting her jammies on and we'll have time for two (or three!) stories. If she's not, I say she's not going very fast, that's too bad, there's only time for one story.
I also start bedtime routine almost 20 minutes earlier, that has helped as well. I'm thinking of doing a sticker chart.... (JOKE, joke, calm down people!)
I will try to call you
I will try to call you tonight.
It almost seems like Kaos is
It almost seems like Kaos is looking to get a rise out of Dad and you. As hard as it is to do, maybe you both should not respond to him when he is like that. Stay calm and tell him to go to a room (minus toys or electronics) until he can be calm and respectful. When he is, then you can't talk.
I think once he realizes he can't the desired response of yelling from you, he'll give up.
this - this - this I have
this - this - this
I have been ignoring ASS for quite some time now and DH is finally doing the same.
I know it's hard to ignore the little effer, tuff, but you two HAVE to do it. He is the kind of kid where any engagement is a reward.
Not ready for school? he doesn't go and no one excuses him. No clean clothes? Better do some laundry little dude. Wanna smell like ass? Alrighty, then.
ya'll have given me some food
ya'll have given me some food for thought - thank you!
sorry i've been busy here at work, but i've got a long drive home so i can do some thinking.
and thanks WOB.
I say take a hammer to the
I say take a hammer to the XBOX. Make him watch while you destroy it. Then calmly explain that when you talkback to and disrespect the man I love there will be repercussions for that behavior.
Tuff, I deal with ADHD and
Tuff, I deal with ADHD and ODD. You and your DH need help. Handing a child with this combination is a nightmare. You cannot disengage with a full timer with these conditions. You don't have my luxury of actually disengaging and mostly walking away from the anger and aggression.
You are also in a situation where you cannot engage his bad behavior, raise your voice, get angry etc. You also cannot ignore it as this is a green light for him to continue even though it's not.
https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/oppositional-defiant-disorder-...
This truly sums up life with Chucky:
"A day with a child who has Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a series of battles in an undeclared war. It starts when they wake up, continues at breakfast, intensifies when they have to get dressed, and doesn’t end until they fight with you over bedtime."
Read up about it, use the tips. They really work and don't disengage. The less united you as a couple appear, the worse the defiance becomes. My DH and I made this mistake. I was "the hammer" and he was "Mr fun softy pants".
Chucky learnt to and still does ignore me. I literally ceased to exist in his world. You and your DH can do this united! Your DH cannot do it alone. If he is putting his foot down as well as parenting kaos, then he needs your support, love and commitment in launching this child.
Hi Tuff, No advice for you,
Hi Tuff,
No advice for you, but I'm following in your footsteps unfortunately. Sir Poos Alot is 10, so he's a bit younger. He has severe ADHD and he poops his pants and sits in it for hours. Then he sometimes hids his shit somewhere in the house. He's had every medical test under the sun and there's nothing physically wrong with him, it's behavoral. It may be a form of ODD, we don't know.
I do know that most consequences don't work for him. They make him suffer, but then he goes back to his odd behavior, kind of like a broken record.
We have found that he hates to be alone. So we'll take away all screens and send him to his room. That is the best consequence. It will stop the behavior for a week or so, and then he goes back to his old ways.
He used to do the same thing as your SKIDwith the clothing. In fact he had a full on tandrum the day we got married... he didn't want to put on his suit, lol! There were guests and DH was so embarrassed.Now, he just tries to wear the same outfit everyday. He will hamper dive if we put the clothes in the dirty. I've disengaged from his clothing situation.
I'm so sorry... these types of conditions are so hard..