Kinda OT Inlaw drama... how its affecting MY parents.

So last time my dad was in town he and mom took me and Dh out for wings. We had a blast, dh just idolizes my dad and loves my mom (so do I)! But half way through the night FIL walked into the little legion where we were. I think he saw the message I left for dh at work, because he never goes out anymore. He met a couple friends and sat down fairly close to us. He never said a single word to us the whole night.
Now remember FIL believes my mother is a drug addict because the oxycotin she was prescribed reacted with another pill the doctor gave her, and she had to be rushed into a major hospital two hours away for OD like symptoms. FILs girlfriend told FIL that she has "Worked with people like that" (she ran a safe home for alchol and drug addicted teens)and that they never change.
So its wing night again and dad is home from work. They want us to go out again, but they don't want to go to the same place (even though myself, dh and dad are all legion members) because they were uncomfortable having FIL there ingnoring us. My parents do not believe family members should be "written off" for any reason so they don't really understand why me and DH are not trying to patch things up with his dad, who has told Dh that he will NOT be around me, even if that means never seeing his son. He also said that Dh should get rid of me before he's stuck with me, this was before I was pregnant. He also made a big deal about going behind Dh's back to try to get visitation of Sd, because he felt Dh was not bringing her over enough.
So I guess my question is, should FIL be allowed to influence where we go? Are my parents right in thinking that family can never do any serious harm, and should always be forgiven? If they are right how would we talk to FIL?

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Nothing?

Sorry i been

Sorry i been commuting...gimme a sec:)

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~

I'm feeling ignored today!

I am not up to par your

I am not up to par your whole sitch, but I will say this:

"Are my parents right in thinking that family can never do any serious harm, and should always be forgiven"

As a general comment, not everything can be forgiven. Some people, family or not, are like poison and will taint and ruin everything around them. Just because they are family doesn't mean you gotta drink their Jim Jones kool aid.

~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

Just because they are family

Just because they are family doesn't mean you gotta drink their Jim Jones kool aid.
rofl
I just hate the way it makes my parents feel out of place. I'm carrying his grandchild and my parents grandchild. They want a working family relationship with him....

oh boy...I might be a bad

oh boy...I might be a bad one to reply to this one bc I might let my own experience with family steer you wrong. ok, you've been fairly warned that this isn't necessarily the way you want to go...

I personally think that family can be written off for certain things. Personally, I think your FIL should be written off for his behavior toward you and his words to DH about you. AND the manipulative sneaky actions pulled w/SD visitation.

Just because a person is family doesn't mean they get free reign to just piss in your cornflakes as much as they want and get forgiven each and every time. NOPE...family only got a couple chances to pee in my cornflakes then they got written off. They had to come to ME in order to be given another chance otherwise,Icould have lived out my days happily without their meanness and manipulation.

i think your parents might come from a different family generation where you just always put family first and forgive and forget. And that's fine if you think you are able to do that. Doesn't mean they're right and you're wrong...they're just different in their thinking.

i DON'T think you should let FIL influence where you go though. i think you should go where you want, have a ball and let FIL see what a great family unit he's missing.

I can't advise on how to talk to FIL if that's the route you take in the end...I wouldn't talk to him if I were in the situation, he'd have to come to me after screwing up so many times. if I talked to him first I'd feel like I was pushing the relationship on him and throwing myself at him. So i wish i could help on that one...but i can't:(

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~

Thank you very much. I feel

Thank you very much. I feel very much the way you do. I just don't know if thats the way I "should" feel.

Told ya:) i'm a bad one to

Told ya:) i'm a bad one to give advice to the whole "cutting off family thing" but I thought I'd at least give you some perspective so you know you're not alone in how you feel at least...even if what we feel isn't what we should feel.

I could say, "Go ahead...eat that pride and talk to the FIL who wasn't interested in being the bigger person...give it a try and give him the power in the relationship by letting him know it bothers you guys and you want him in your life."

See? Even if I try to give good advice on it, I just can't bc I've been burned too many times by family and did the forgiveness route only to be jacked by them again.

I hope you come up with a solution that will work for you and DH. As long as you two can live with your choices and the people you let into your life that is all that matters.

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~

I agree. Family has bent me

I agree. Family has bent me over and made me f*ck my self in the ass too many times for me to be one saying to forgive. I am too jaded to it, like Barbie. Family can be the worst culprits because they always have the "But we're family!" thing to fall back on.

~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

The only thing for Thetis is

The only thing for Thetis is that it seems that both her and DH are not quite at that completely and utterly fed up point yet. I just want to make sure that before they decide to completely walk away, they do it without a doubt in their heart and mind. Any doubts will make them go back at a later time, and could cause more resentment, hurt and issues later.

So,... in my thoughts.... Do what you have to do, to get to the point where you can say "I gave it a shot and now I'm done".

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Exactly...that's why I was

Exactly...that's why I was saying she needs to make sure whatever choice she makes, that it's something she and DH are prepared to live with.

It's tough call on what to do especially if you're not at the fed up point yet but then I wonder...why does it have to get to the "i'm ready to never look at these people again" point before people stop letting others abuse them? Why not just sit on it a bit and see if he comes around and THEN make the decision on whether or not to go to him once you see he isn't going to be the bigger person and make the first move to right the wrongs he has created.

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~

like I think I'm going to

*like*
I think I'm going to let DH read this and see how he feels about things. He can be just as stubborn and thickheaded as me, but I know it hurts him. And not to mention it leaves me with oodles of irrational fears.

Sorry Thetis... Just saw

Sorry Thetis... Just saw this.

I think you both are right - meaning your parents and you as well.

I think you need to figure out a compromise.

To prove a point? To who? Your FIL and his girlfriend that don't seem to want to get to know them or you?

So that's where I think they are right. I think that you are also correct in that family CAN definitely cause real damage in a relationship and to your psyche. Does that mean you should write them off? That's a tough call. That is completely up to you and to DH and to how you feel it will affect your child. If your FIL is going to treat your child poorly then why expose the baby to that? BUT, if you think it can be worked out, then go ahead and try.

Or, maybe try to speak to FIL and girlfriend, as a "we really did try this" go, and see where it leads.

If I were you and DH, I may have my husband go to his father and girlfriend and say this...

"I love you and want you in my life. If you are willing to cut me out of yours, that makes me sad, but I can't control what you do, any more than you can control what I do. I love Thetis, and I love her family. I wish you would give them a real chance. For me, for your grandchild. If you can't, I don't really understand, but asking me to give up my wife and family is not an option. So I am sorry. We both - Thetis and I - will always want you to be a part of our child's life and our life. Life in general is way too short for misunderstanding like this. So I am asking you to put aside old preconceptions and try to be a family for all of us. If we do anything, or Thetis' family does something to prove that you were right all along, then I will look at that. But until then, can't we try to at least please just get along. I will not turn my back on them. If you force me to choose, please know that I am doing what I think is best for me. They never asked me to separate from you, and you have treated them and Thetis very poorly. And they still stuck up for you. I'm sorry, but based on their actions, I am asking you to stay in my life. The choice is really yours. "

What do you think they would say?

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

If you parents are

If you parents are uncomfortable going to Wing Night at the Legion, but want to see you... then why make them uncomfortable this time? Can you split it up and go there with them sometimes but not others? I am sure it hurt their feelings to be treated this way, so why expose them to it?
See I think FIL just showed up there because he heard we were going out. We can totally pick a different place to go, but I think if FIL hears we're going somewhere else he'll go there instead. I don't want my parents to be uncomfortable, or hurt, but I was dumb and left the message at DH's work last time. His dad works for the same company so he probably saw the message on the board.

What do you think they would say?
This is what hurts. I loved my FIL. I really enjoyed his company and talking with him. Dh has tried to talk to him. FIL gave Dh the Ultimatum of "her or me" and DH said "her". But kept talking to him. It wasn't untill all the drama about the visitation where I was called a liar for telling Dh that FIL was going for visitation, even though it was on the answering machine clear as day for him to hear. I'm terrified to have this man near my child. Dh is heartbroken that his dad has abandoned him, to side with his girlfriend. But he is also angry that his dad is putting him through this.
I think if Dh tried to talk to FIL, FIL will tell him to leave me if he wants to be part of the family.

Then I am so sorry Thetis,

Then I am so sorry Thetis, but there is nothing you can do.

Your FIL already threw down the gauntlet of "her or me" and he picked you.

The fact that your FIL is still talking to your husband - to me - says that he is still trying to control and manipulate the situation, as well as your husband. Don't let it happen.

I think for your parents, if they are uncomfortable, go wherever they feel good. And then, if it happens again, they may get pissed or fed up and just feel like - whatever.... Or go to wing night and see if he's there. It's just in this case, I think whatever makes your parents feel good is what you should do - for them.

You know what they say - "The best revenge is living well".

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Dh stoped talking to FIL in

Dh stoped talking to FIL in Nov. It was a little while after the "her/me" ultimatium. I think Dh was just trying to make things work.
Thank you!

some one once asked

some one once asked me...(because my mil is satan) would you put sharks in your bath tub and swim with them? hell no is of course the answer, so this person said to me, well why would you surround your self with people like that. fil sounds like he is a piece of work just like my mil, i avoid being in the same place at all cost, also because its rubbing dh's nose in the fact that my family isnt a piece of shit like his. but my mil isnt the type that would have ignored us, she would have caused a scene, and she has threatened to assault me before so i am beyond uncomfortable around her and the only time ill do it is for ss.

any how, wouldnt it be better to be some where that he is not anyways? i see the point of not letting him ruin your plans, but for me id just rather not be around it...how will he know this time you are there

Hopefully this time he wont

Hopefully this time he wont know. I haven't been dumb and left any messages at work where he can see them so yea, I figure if we go out tonight and FIL is there then next time we go somewhere else because he obviously has just decided to start having a life.

I had to stop having contact

I had to stop having contact with some immediate family for a few years. Things have smoothed over now. It will never be what it was, but I am no longer allowing them to give opinions on my life. You do what you have to. I would still go to the restaurant, but continue to ignore him. He doesn't deserve to have a relationship right now. Maybe someday, but not now. Good luck.

Things have smoothed over

Things have smoothed over now.
Did they apologize or did things just kinda fade away? I know if people are fighting in my family they usually forget why before to long and are talking again.

Thetis your family sounds

Thetis your family sounds rather normal. Some families ARE JUST SICK. And mine is included. I'm not speaking to my sister right now because she disses me and my DH all the time and then denies it. You can't work with that. It was a struggle for me to cut off people because I was always the generous forgive and forget type. I genuinely love most people. And understand them which makes me feel sorry for their pitiful asses. But I just got sick of being bullied and abused. So don't tolerate it.

Remember, your FIL started this whole mess. And to give an ultimatum like that shows where his head is at. Father. Wife. Different relationships. He wants to control DH and is not happy that DH is with you and living his own life. Going out that night was strange, like he wanted to taunt you.

The only 'should' I believe in this situation is: I should not tolerate any abuse of myself or those I love. It's not good for the abuser either.

Good morning Thetis honey:)

Good morning Thetis honey:) I wanted to give you an example of why I'm icky toward family and how it's not always right or wrong...

My brother has some emotional issues and a learning disability. He has been taken care of and coddled his WHOLE life. So a while back, he asked me for money for a car. I had the money...I was going to give it to him but my condition was that he got out of the hell hole that he was living and came to live in my condo(it was empty at the time) I told him he could live there for free til he got on his feet and I'd help him with a car and a job and I'd help him try to get into a technical school to learn a trade so he could take care of himself. he's grossly overweight and I told him I'd help him get on track to lose weight so he could be healthy.

he turned around and said this: "You just want me to come there so you can take advantage of me and steal my money and run my life! I hate you! You never help me you just want to sit there w/your doctor husband and your practice and tell me what to do when all I wanted was 3k from you without any strings attached! I hate you!!"

So, I told him I was trying to help him get his life together before A.he ended up homeless B.he died from his severe weight problem C.he ended up in prison for not paying his child support.

now the only time he gets in touch with me is when he wants money. When I don't give it to him...he tells me I'm the worst sister in the world and he hopes I die.

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~

Wow... Yea thats gotta be

Wow... Yea thats gotta be tough to deal with.

Ok So update. We went to the

Ok So update.

We went to the legion last night with my parents and had a blast (my dad ordered 3 of every type of wing, since my little bro and his gf came too) No sign of FIL. Dh had soo much fun that even after I went home, he went and had a few more beer with my dad.

WOW thetis! That's really

WOW thetis! That's really great:) SO glad you had a drama free time! (((((((thetis)))))) happy for you honey!

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~

That's great Thetis!! I

That's great Thetis!! I was wondering how it went for you and DH. By the way, you both do have Family!! Don't forget that ... ok? FIL in being a dink ... But your family is being just what a family is supposed to be. I know it probably hurts your DH... Hopefully (prayers?) your FIL will come around ...

So happy for you both!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Thanks so much for all the

Thanks so much for all the advice and just listening to me vent. I'm soo happy that Dh had such a great time last night. He was off the wall excited about chatting with my dad and brother, then you throw in beer... and well he had a blast. It was honestly just fun for me watching them! Dads really warming up to DH, which makes me happy because "No one is good enough for MY little girl" has kinda been his mantra.

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Kinda OT Inlaw drama... how its affecting MY parents.

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