The School Bus Saga
SD11 has been living with us for a total of one week. Every single morning she begs one of us to drive her to school so she doesn't have to ride the bus, which literally picks her up about 4 houses down from us. At her mother's house, she rode the bus every day to and from school, but for some reason thinks that we have nothing better to do in the mornings.
Anyhow, I am trying to break her of this habit of literally begging us every morning to drive her to school. We are soon going to have a baby we need to take to day care in the mornings and when SD5 and SD10 come to live with us they will be going to a different school and I will not tolerate having them beg us also. By yesterday, SD11 had backed off a little from the constant begging and just asked me once, to which I replied "Nope."
So this morning I get to the office early to get some work done. I call my husband about 15 minutes after the bus should have picked up SD since he was asleep when I left the house. Of course he does not answer, which of course means he is probably driving her to school. This pisses me off. #1) This means we are not a united front. It teaches her that SM is mean and Daddy is nice. #2)She will continue to beg and beg because sometimes it works. #3) It's like he is doing it behind my back by not answering the phone.
I'm so frustrated. It's only been a week and we have all 3 of the stepmonsters this weekend. I need a vacation from my life.
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is she attending the same
is she attending the same school since moving in with you? don't get me wrong, i know how annoying this crap is, because sd19 pulled the same garbage when she lived with us, i'm just wondering if it's a new school, maybe she's uncomfortable on the bus because she doesn't really know anyone and if it's a packed bus, it can be overwhelming when you have to sit with someone because there's no empty seats, but you don't know how anyone will react if you sit with them. kids can be absolutely rotten. (i moved in 6th grade at 11, so this happened to me for the first few weeks until my newness wore off and the brats got bored with tormenting me).
It's a new school but the bus
It's a new school but the bus is empty since it picks up the kids outside the zone (the school in our zone is capped). She was also going to a new school at her mom's but her mother never drove her to school. She is testing her limits to see how "babied" she can be with us.
Ex: Her mother would sometimes not come home after work at all and when she did she would drink and pass out, leaving her to fend for herself. Here, she gets home around 4:30 and we get home around 5:30. From the moment she gets home until we get home, she calls and texts both of us asking when we will be home because she is "scared." We live in a quiet cul-de-sac in a gated community. It is by far not a new home that we just moved into.
Another example: She is supposed to work on her homework as soon as she gets home. She doesn't. She waits until we get home because she "needs help." She has already learned most of what this school is teaching at her old school but wants us to hold her hand. Don't get me wrong, I will help her if she really needs it but she won't even start it if we are not there because it is "too hard." DH is feeding right into it.
I am more annoyed with the
I am more annoyed with the situation. BM basically went bat shit crazy and so the move was unexpected for everyone. I think she is testing us to see how much we will coddle her, which I completely understand and I would probably do the same if I was in her shoes. I am more annoyed with my husband for giving in and teaching her bad habits.
The homework thing I don't mind too much since the window between us getting home and her getting home is short. I only mind when she says "it's too hard" because she is actually very smart and has made the mistake of telling us that they already learned the lesson she is currently on. I think she is hoping that we do it for her. The rule is just that she has to try and we will help her with the parts she is having trouble with and if she finishes before dinner we will go outside and play basketball or ride bikes with her.
The truth of the matter is that at her mother's dysfunctional house, she had to be more of an adult than was fair to her. She had to fend for herself for breakfast, lunch and dinner, she had to do all the laundry because her mother wouldn't wash or even buy detergent, she had to clean because her mother never cleaned. This was extreme. Right now, we are trying to find a middle ground of being responsible for her age and letting her be a child.
She's the new kid on the
She's the new kid on the block. The kids may be giving her a hard time.
Just because dad is willing to drive her, doesn't mean you have to. Saying no doesn't make you the bad guy.
I really don't think that's
I really don't think that's the case. She has been asking us since Day 1 and since DH gave in the first couple times, she learned that by begging, she will sometimes get her way. She actually has zero issue riding the bus home and has not asked once to be picked up from school. And she is one of those kids that has no problem telling us if someone was bullying her or if kids are mean to her.
I am trying to establish a routine that the other kids will easily fold into and taking SD11 to school will not work next year and then she will have an even bigger adjustment to make. I swear I am not trying to be mean, just trying to make it work for everyone involved.
Also, turns out my husband overslept and SD had to show herself out the door this morning. I think I would have preferred he drove her to school over making her get herself ready and out the door. Sigh.
She is home for one hour max
She is home for one hour max by herself, usually less since the bus drops her off at 4:35 and I am home most days by 5pm. In addition, my office is literally 2 minutes from the house so I can be there if there is an emergency. This is only until the end of this semester since she will be able to do after-school athletics in the Fall.
He talks to her every night when he tucks her in and she has already made some friends, but just dislikes going to school in general, like most 11 year olds. She isn't scared of riding the bus, she really does just like to be babied. I know this kid. If she was scared she would say she was scared. Also, when she asks me to take her she smirks when she asks as if it is some kind of ongoing joke. DH told her every now and then one of us would be able to take her and so she took that to mean that we would take her everyday.
This is exactly it. We are
This is exactly it. We are trying to establish a routine, so it is difficult on everyone, especially her. It's hard to find a good middle ground on what we can do to make her comfortable vs. forming good habits. For the most part, she is doing really well. She likes her school and is the happiest we have seen her in a long time. I think there are some deep seeded issues with her mother basically rejecting her by giving her up, but she doesn't seem as anxious as she used to be.
If the parent doesn't mind
If the parent doesn't mind doing something, the SP should just let it go.
There are things DF and I will never agree on when it comes to my son and his kids. Instead of fighting about it and trying to get the other person to bend, we just agree to let each parent handle it the way he\she sees fit.
I get that, but would still
I get that, but would still be a little more lenient in this case because the kid has had an awful lot of change in a short amount of time. Some fear and uncertainty is really normal. If it were my kid, I would ask why she doesn't want to take the bus and push her for specific reasons. If she's afraid of something, what is it? And then give her a firm date, like April 4. After that date, there will be no rides to school - her butt is on the bus no matter what. Then let the SP know and stick with it. The last part is the key - STICK WITH IT.
That's fine - if both the
That's fine - if both the parent lets the SP know that he's going to handle it his way. The problem isn't so much the kid taking the bus or not taking the bus (after only a week, I'd be inclined to give the kid a ride even though everyone thinks I'm a hardass) but the fact that the kid asked the SP a question, didn't like the answer and then asked the parent. That's just crap, and the parent and SP need to get on the same page before the kids get the idea that they can just keep asking around until they get the answer they want.
OP may not agree with taking the kid to school, but her parent doesn't mind. Okay, then the parent and SP should have (well, ideally should have ALREADY had) a discussion about how to the handle the issue since this isn't the first time it's come up. Then OP would know how the parent wanted to handle it and could give an answer consistent with the parent's wishes.