OK - Gimme a sanity check here...(long-ish)
Alot of folks here have bona fide issues with bio-moms. I have issues with my ex as well. Let me illuminate...
She doesn't cook. Vegetables come from V-8 or Suddenly Salad. I don't think my kids see any fresh vegetables unless it's carrots with ranch dressing. Ugh!
But tops on my list - she's going to school full time and has been living off alimony and child support and not working. She maintains that she is a hard worker and that school is difficult. So difficult that she can't get a part-time job to bring in some extra $$$. BTW - this marks the 6th month in a row that she is a month late on a car payment. I am still on the loan because there is no way anyone is going to refinance her for anything - this is how I know.
But back to the working while going to school thing - I did it. Worked full-time on the third shift while going to school full time during the day. Now granted, I didn't have an 11yo and 9yo to raise, but there is time to work if you need to. Especially when they are in school.
Am I outta my tree in thinking that she should go to Starbucks or Walmart or something and find a gig? Is it unreasonable to think that she is being a sponge for not having worked and is living off of what I give her?
bitch session endeth
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College kids everywhere
College kids everywhere across the country work part time jobs will going to school full-time, many of which also have kids... Does she not have time to work when you have your visitation/custody of the kids??
Not sure. Is she
Not sure. Is she remarried?
I am home full time with my kids. I don't work outside the home. And my kids are all school-aged and above. My ex pays child support. But my husband makes plenty of money. There is no reason for me to work. And it benefits our family, including the kids we have together, for me to be at home full time.
She is not
She is not remarried...yet.
Let's add more stuff on top 'cuz I expect things are different in your house. The meal they eat the most over there - Instant Ramen Noodle Soup.
I have to remind her to get them haircuts. My son, who I am sending back to her tonight, doesn't need to be reminded that the clothes he has to wear back there need to be the ones he has there. Why this? Because the snaps on his jeans are popping at random intervals because he is growing out of them.
With maintenance and CS, she doesn't need to work and can cover a modest standard of living. It is not my job to keep her living high on the hog but that's obvious. But if she can't pay her bills and she's getting all of the money from me she is getting - well, then it's time to get to work.
I worked FT and attended
I worked FT and attended school FT with one son (custodial) and 2 skids (non-custodial) and my H - who is like a big kid himself.
If you REALLY want something, you will find a way to make it work.
Are you being unreasonable -
Are you being unreasonable - NO. Can we all sympathize with you - YES. What it really comes down to is what is within your power to fix and is fixing it worth any further risk to you.
You obviously can't control what she feed the kids while in her care, you can make suggestions, but....
You can't control what she spends her money or free time on regarless of how lazy, irrisponsible or ill thought of you think it is.
But the car loan is affecting you and possibly your credit.
Is the car in your name also? Is the agreement that she make the payment in your divorce decree? A signed divorce decree filed in the courts is nothing more than an agreement between two people. If she isn't holding up her end you have legal options.
You could approach her verbally first and then later followup with something written if needed that she has been late x number of months, that it's her responsibility to pay and that it is affecting your finances and credit. let her know that if she doesn't fix the situation you will take legal action to protect yourself.
If it's in her name I doubt you could force her to sell it without a court order. And judges will order such a thing. That allows you to clear the loan and prevent any further involvement from you. If she can't afford the payments then she has options of her own. Get employment to earn more so she can afford it. Sell it and buy something she can afford. Or go without.
Having said all that, my ex took me back to to court for not holding up some payments in our divorce. I was struggling and quickly going under and he had no sympathy. Going to court cost him thousands of dollars with no real solution when he could have just offered to make a friendly agreement with me to help out. I had every intention of living up to my obligations when I could.
People make tough choices - it's life.