Step-parenting has changed me
and not for the better. I could blame my harsh and negative attitude towards step-parenting on the hormones. But I think these times only intensify what I already feel. Lately, SO has been on a roller coaster of emotions regarding his impending court date which might mean him paying BM over $800 a month untill his loser daughter is 23. Shes almost 20 now. This bums him out.
The conversation started getting intense as I often find myself thinking, why am i putting in such effort into losers and such- seriously, i have more things to focus on, but the incessant bs never ends. At any rate, I was a bit of a douche today, we got onto the topic of loser daughter and discussing how the judge struck down his request into her income and present bank accounts,(SOs lawyer advised him that this would establish independence and would mean loser would no longer get CS). Loser worked 2 jobs, one was an alleged cash job bussing and the other was as a cashier. SO wants to F-up BM in taxes and he actually can because he wouldnt be lying.
My douche moment- I said to him well why dont you report your daughters cash job to the tax department- wrong thing to say I know. I told him that his daughter has no problem screwing you over,loser is deliberately taking and failing classes to delay her highschool graduation(loser has taken an extra 3 years to finish highschool- which sould be done in 4 years not 7) so SOs CS obligation will continue into her mid-20s, she showed up to court with BM, is colluding with BM, quit her job deliberately to establish Social Anxiety Disorder- she is trash- I didnt say to him she was trash, but boy I wanted too. I did however call him delusional.
I realized what I had said and in that moment I told him you know what, that was wrong. I need to distance myself from this situation because they induce such anger inside of me. I am wondering what the f I was thinking getting involved in this situation. It is a total nightmare.
But as usual blood is thicker than water, delusion is clearer than reality. Maybe I am even a bit delusional myself. In SOs words, "Loser is still his daughter".
This experience has changed me for the worse not better, Im not on the point of rage but I am daily hitting the imaginary "IDGAF" Button, because ive checked out. Obviously not enough because they still can incite such hostility inside me.
Seriously, its like this weird psychic energy whenever they call I get this anxious feeling, really uncomfortable, sure enough within a few hours or the next day, one of the trainwrecks call.
I have seriosuly contemplated ending things, we share a 3 year old- so it would be like being a single parent for the 2nd time again(having done it before, its not as bad) his children bring nothing but misery into the situation, he will always take their calls, or secret calls as he says, the only time they call is for money or when there is problem... other than that seriously we dont hear from them.
He doesnt treat me bad, but I dont want to live in delusion land with trainwrecks that never stop messing things up. Maybe im selfish, but I dont think I am meant to share someone with another family I share nothing with and are half evil because of the BM...it seems her side of the genes have prevailed.
Maybe things will get better but im getting the feeling things will never change and they will always be trainwrecks.
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Your vibe is usually correct
I am sorry you're in this situation. I can relate to the anxiety, anger, changed-self, and even psychic "spidey-sense" accurate premonition when some Skid b.s. is under way. I have that psychic fear now because SS18 is telling DH he hates it at BM's & wants to move back home (= here), he misses us and living here. I am proud of DH for staying strong & telling SS he has to "show us" he wants to live here by handling business, and not trying to talk me into that. I'm sure SS put on his full-blown poor little boy act. I dread living with SS again unless he has a Road to Damascus moment and does a 180 on the lying & laziness. SS brought his xbox to his BM's today so we'll see how the laziness thing goes. I really enjoy not living with either of those right now.
Keep breathing, writing, and taking the next right action.
I can relate
Chef still pays the Girhippo $800 a month for a 16 year old truant and a 20 year old who dropped out of community college and works part-time at a pizza place
I think pretty much all SMs
I think pretty much all SMs can relate to this: "He doesnt treat me bad, but I dont want to live in delusion land with trainwrecks that never stop messing things up. Maybe im selfish, but I dont think I am meant to share someone with another family I share nothing with and are half evil because of the BM...it seems her side of the genes have prevailed."
I think we we all need to learn is that we are NOT selfish just because we are looking out for ourselves, because, believe me, no one else will. When you are a SM, you have to do what works for you, because no matter what you do, everyone will immediately start to find fault with it. Even 17YO SS's GF of three months, for example, will be taken as a higher authority on step-parenting than any SM, despite that she has never even been a mother, much less SM, much less have any geniuine life experiences. Unfortunately, it seems to go with the label--SM. Pretty much everyone thinks everyone BUT a SM knows how to be a SM.
I wish more SMs realized before they get married or have children that when you marry a man with children from a previous relationship, you also marrying into whatever family conflicts have been going on. In some ways, this occurs when anyone gets married--some family argument your DH had going on with his family members years ago can get dragged up over and over. However, when you are talking about BM and bio-dad and their divorce and their children!!, that goes up about 20 fold. And, to make matters worse, with the SM label, you automatically become such a convenient scapegoat for everyone, even tho. this battle was going on (at least under the surface) for years and long before you even entered the picture.
I think when it comes to SKs, as hard as it may be to do, a good tact to take is to try to remove them from the equation as much as possible. For example, if your DH had a lengthy and expensive legal battle going on over property, for instance, would you feel the same, feel worse, or feel more understanding? It doesn’t work every time, but sometimes this does give you a different perspective and helps remove some of the PTSD flashbacks that can come and cloud the bigger picture when it comes to yet another SK-dilemma.
Wow. I coulda wrote this. I
Wow. I coulda wrote this. I've been thinking about this off and on for a long time.
Our BM planned the same outcome. Killjoy14 was to dropout of school and go on SSI, so BM could collect CS forever. But we got custody, so that didn't happen. I think that would have been the nail in the coffin for us.
And this: "He doesnt treat me bad, but I dont want to live in delusion land with trainwrecks that never stop messing things up. Maybe im selfish, but I dont think I am meant to share someone with another family I share nothing with and are half evil because of the BM...it seems her side of the genes have prevailed."
My DH is a prince. My soulmate. But I feel like my life is contaminated by toxic BM and Killjoys' existance. I don't want to hear about them or anything they say or do, but stuff still trickles in. And I need a shower from the stuff I know already. I feel terrible guilt because I want to leave. What the fock was DH thinking breeding with that awful monstrosity?
Case in point, this morning. Killjoy14 had the day off school, and so got picked up by BM early this morning for the day. BM has to return her by 5pm. I was chatting with DH, and he got another call. Our neighbor. I almost puked, thinking Pyscho BM was seen going inside our house. I keep waiting for that to happen. But it wasn't why our neighbor called.
Such is life with a psycho in it. It's probably only a matter of time before she does something heinous.