Trying to sleep on the couch again and I am still leaving when they are there...
This weekend was a skid weekend so YSS was trying to sleep on the couch again. He has been staying up all night long and sleeping all day since it's summer. Friday night he didn't make any noise but slept on the couch for most of the day Saturday. I left in the morning and was gone for most of the day. Then at around 5:30 am on Sunday I woke up to someone banging on a door and yelling. I woke DH up and told him so he got up and told YSS to go to bed and that this BS of being up all night stops now. DH told me Sunday afternoon you know my kids aren't going anywhere right? I said yes of course I know that. He said then why do you leave when they are here? I told him that is part of disengagement and until he realizes that his kids run all over him then I will continue to leave. He didn't say anything and just walked off. I hope he got the message this time!!
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Do you honestly think that
Do you honestly think that your DH doesn't realize his kids run all over him? As opposed to knowing but not caring or knowing but not having any idea how to fix it or not being willing to take the steps to fix it? I know bio parents often have blinders on when it comes to their kids, but with the way his kids are I would think he'd realize.
Maybe it is because he doesn
Maybe it is because he doesn't care I don't know but I am going to continue doing what I am doing for my sanity and health. I have been way more relaxed leaving for the day and making other plans.
My skids would try to do this
My skids would try to do this. Stay up too late and then sleep on the couch most of the day...nope. You don't get to inconvenience the entire household because you made poor life decisions.
I would always make breakfast really loudly, run the vacuum, turn the radio on...etc. My Saturday doesn't stop because you want to laze around.
DH would just force them to get up...
LOL yeah I do the same thing.
LOL yeah I do the same thing. One time the kid actually asked me if I could be more quiet when I went to work in the morning. I just laughed and told DH you deal with your kid because you do not want me to.
lol.
lol.
Um...no.
My skids would also sleep on their beds with no sheets - I noticed when it was too late...when they'd already ripped up the $80 mattress pads that I'd bought to make their beds comfier along with nice new sheets and bedding.
But, no. They slept directly on the beds without sheets, in their clothes, with the blankets piled in the corner like animals. So gross.
I say this with all the love, but
Tank, what are you getting from this relationship?
Your DH doesn't seem interested in seeing the reality of the situation or in changing. He's perfectly happy with his brats just as they are and appears to be growing more resentful of your disengaging. Why are you fighting so hard for this relationship?
I want it to work and I learn
I want it to work and I learn things the hard way I guess.
Oh Honey... I wish this wasn't so hard on you!
I know you want it to work. No one gets married to get divorced (or coupled so they can break up). But your H is telling you over and over that he can't be what you need him to be and you're just not listening.
You deserve to be respected and loved in your own home and this man won't/can't/doesn't do anything to make that happen because he's too busy kissing the asses of his spawn.
Thank you nengooseus.
Thank you nengooseus.
Couch sleeping drives me NUTS!
I specifically went and bought 2 brand new beds for the stepkids to sleep on. Due to SS's inappropriate touching of his sister, I deliberately put these in completely different rooms in the house, to keep them apart. Every damn weekend morning, however, I wake up to find the brats, both of them, sleeping on the couch in the living room. Blankets, clothes, underwear, plates, and glasses strewn all over my living room. Drives me insane. Am even considering buying new, uncomfortable furniture, 2-seaters instead of the 3-seaters, to stop this nonsense.
Is this still happening every
Is this still happening every weekend?
Not every weekend but too often
I have to actively manage this if I don't want to have them sleep there. I have to physically go and tell them to switch off the TV and go to their beds. If I am too tired or I forget to do this, lo and behold! Next morning two of them have destroyed the living room and are sleeping on the couches. Yes, I know, this should be their mom's job, but we're going through a bit of a rough patch and I don't want to add this to the list of issues between me and her.
You may be more relaxed by
You may be more relaxed by leaving for the day but how long do you want to keep that up?
I'd be damned if I would be run out of my own home because my husband and his kids had no respect for me or the home that I helped pay for.
And, what message do you want your husband to get? He knows that he lets his kids do whatever they want, he knows it bothers you.
I am also thinking that
I am also thinking that vacating the premesis every time the kids are there is probably not the optimal solution. The problem is that without you there.. zero progress is made on ANY improvement. The kids learn that you don't matter and you are driving a wedge in your relationship with your DH by being absent so much.
Of course, when things are intolerable.. it would be fine to go do something elsewhere. but it should be balanced.
You should be in that house telling the kids to "go outside and play".. I am going to be in the living room today. You can be direct with them while not "loosing your mind on them". And if dad won't tell them to chew with their mouths shut or sit down while eating.. just tell them and remind them.. it will take a lot because it sounds like neither parent does this.. but as long as you approach it with a calm and non-hysterical demeanor.. there is nothing wrong with you telling them to clear their plates. If your DH tries to defend and take their side.. all you do is nicely tell him if he wants to do the asking... and reminding.. he needs to do it and not let things slide all the time.
So you think I am sending
So you think I am sending those kids the message that they can run me out of my own house when they are there?
Of course!
They've run you out when they're there, which makes their lives immeasurably easier. Dad certainly isn't going to do anything to make them uncomfortable or change their behavior and now you're disengaged and not doing it either!
To me, disengagement is more complicated that just not participating in their BS. It's creating a bubble to protect you from their BS. If they're destroying your stuff, you don't just walk away and not care that your stuff's being destroyed, you stop them from destroying the stuff. Not because it will make them better people, but because you want your stuff.
Right now, you're just avoiding them, not stopping them from destroying your stuff.
Yeah.. basically they have
Yeah.. basically they have learned that they can get rid of you and carry on as they want. Disengagement doesn't mean necessarily avoiding the kids at all cost.. it doesn't necessarily mean that you go to run and hide the moment you see them. It means that sometimes you decide to do things out of the house because they are things you WANT to do and aren't going to let the fact that your DH has his kids that weekend ruin your ability to go out and have fun. BUT.. leaving JUST because they are in the house? no. The kids have TV's in their rooms.. I would make the living room TV off limits to kids 100% of the time. They have their tv's they can watch and play games in there... Shoot.. I might even take that TV and move it OUT of the house while the kids are there for the weekend.. in the garage.. not in use.. you can read books. etc.. or I'm guessing you have a TV in your room too you can watch.. make that living room an adult area.. not for the kid to lounge about on his game console.
I have to assume leaving the
I have to assume leaving the house when they are there is your last resort. You have tried engaging and now disengaging and nothing has worked.
Time to accept reality. This isn't the guy for you.
If it helps, there was a lot
If it helps, there was a lot of behavior skids did when I first moved in that I found intolerable. Not rinsing dishes after eating, just throwing the gross dirty dishes with food left on in the sink, no chores, walking into our bedroom with out knocking, eating whatever they wanted whenever. My SO is STUBBORN and takes every mention of skids as a criticism, and gets mad. So sometimes I just take things into my own hands. All of the above behaviors I mentioned are now long-gone. Of course other stuff has come up, but I address what I can myself, and sometimes enlist the help of SO (he usually fights it at first but ends up giving in eventually). It is the only thing that has made me be able to tolerate living in the house.
Have you tried making a "no sleeping on couch" rule? Or like others suggested, calmly correct behaviors? I don't leave it all to SO because he is more lenient than me and it would be chaos. It has worked for me- skids behavior has changed for the better. If not, I probably would have been long gone.