Finally I am done.....
So everyone that is telling me that I have a DH problem not a skid problem. You were right about that. Last night DH tells YSS to go to bed. YSS ignores him. I didn't say a word. He must have told him at least 4 times to go to bed but YSS still had the TV on blasting. Then all of the sudden I hear a door shut then open again a few minutes later. DH goes out to the kitchen and tells YSS that he doesn't want or need any drama.
I asked him what happened or what was he talking about he was totally trying to avoid the subject and kept saying there was no drama. After asking him twice he tells me that YSS had snuck back out to the living room and turned the TV back on.
I said why couldn't you just have told me that. He said I don't any drama or to hear you complain. He said that he doesn't care if YSS sleeps in the living room or not that it's me that cares. I said so you are just making him sleep in his own room because of me. I thought that we were on the same page and he thought that it was the right thing to do by making YSS sleep in his own room and to go to bed at a certain time.
So BM and him just do not care about parenting these kids. So I guess my only solution would to be to disengage and mask my emotions. I wrote him a letter telling him that I was going to disengage and try to stay out of things when it comes to BM and his kids. This includes doing anything for them at all and leaving it all up to him.
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DO NOT GIVE HIM THAT
DO NOT GIVE HIM THAT LETTER.
Just silently disengage. Take some pages out of Acra's book of how to disengage with a smile. But sweet jiminy, DO NOT GIVE HIM THAT LETTER.
I second this^^ Don't give
I second this^^
Don't give him a letter. Announcing "disengagement" rarely goes well. Your husband is going to take the letter as "proof you hate my kids" and an accusation of him being a BAD father. Now that may be true, but it's likely to go over like a lead balloon. It may cause an irreparable rift in your relationship with him.
I have been trying to tell you that what is bothering you about his kids isn't bothering HIM. He doesn't care if the kid sleeps on the couch. He's ok with the way his kids are... he thinks their behavior is just rambunctious boys. Your constant whining at him to FIX something he didn't think needs fixing caused constant drama. So.. when he DID do something it was to "shut you up"... not because he agreed with you. Basically even the stuff about BM... he probably never cared as much as you did about her antics..
So... just disengage. Stop taking care of his kids. Don't buy for them. Don't transport them. Don't watch them. Find other things to do and other places to be when they are around. If you want to sit in the living room and read quietly tell them to go to their room. Backtalk at that point can be responded to with "If you don't go to your room.. you may find your room very different when you DO finally get there".
If them sleeping in the living room bothers you... because they are there when you wake up.. simply wake them when you get up and send them to their room.. again.. if they don't go.. I would go directly to the room and start throwing away things like TV's and games etc...
Any peep from your DH can be met with.."I am a paying adult in this home. If I want to sit in the living room alone.. that is my right. If I want to make the kid vacate the couch in the AM.. that is my right. You want it done more nicely??? do it yourself first!"
When the kids try to talk to you about stuff.. just say Hmmm and walk away.
Stop interacting. Stop caring for them. Stop caring about them. But don't announce it.
If your DH says anything...well.. honey.. it seemed like you preferred I not be so worried and cause so much drama...so that's what I'm trying to do for you.
And I second this
And I second this ^^^^....please take Esmod's words of wisdom to heart, they are getting to the very heart of your matter...
All hail he great ESMOD, for
All hail he great ESMOD, for her advice is just and true!
Tank, read this and take it to heart. Stop being a doormat, and stop looking for permission. It's equally your home, so take it back for yourself. Kids should learn to accommodate the paying adults, not the other way around.
Absolutely correct!
Absolutely correct!
A letter will keep you true
A letter will keep you true to your word. Do what you have to to protect yourself. I hope this doesn't cause friction in your home.
Please have a fun and safe weekend!
So I should tear the letter
So I should tear the letter up and not say a word to him.
Yes. A letter would be
Yes. A letter would be overkill. Use it as therapy for yourself. Actions speak louder than words anyhow. I'm sure a letter would just make feelings worse between you 3.
YES, tear it up! This is not
YES, tear it up! This is not about him, this is what you are doing for yourself. Disengagement for the most part is for your sanity and peace of mind. It does affect the household but in a way that no longer makes you out to be one to blame. He does NOT need to know you are doing this because it will be misunderstood and will be used against you.
Don't announce your
Don't announce your disengagement, just do it.
Thank you guys...I knew that
Thank you guys...I knew that you would tell me the right thing to do.
It takes practice, especially
It takes practice, especially to not cross that line into passive aggressiveness. Again, disengagement is about you so don't turn it into punishing the SS or even your DH. It is a necessary tool so I encourage you to contemplate who you are, what your needs are, what boundaries you have in place or need to get in place, etc.
Esmod gave you some fine examples of how to react if you find that your personal boundaries are being crossed. I suggest you also envision how you will react to certain scenarios and work on leaving emotion out of it. Establish what you will and will not tolerate...your personal rights.
Insisting that ss sleep in
Insisting that ss sleep in his room is not a parenting issue. It is appropriate use of the common area of your home. Your desire not to have someone sleeping on the couch every night is sufficient reason to ban it. So yes DH should do it just because you say so.
This^^^ and if your husband
This^^^ and if your husband doesn't make sure SS sleeps in his room, instead of the couch, you have every right to enforce that rule.
Honestly, I would do
Honestly, I would do something to make the living room non-conducive to the child wanting to be there. One way would be to remove all video games from the TV set up. Let the boys have that in their room.
The problem Tank has is that her husband really doesn't care if his kid sleeps in the living room. All he gets is nag, nag, nag about it.. but it is not having the intended effect. All it is doing is make him aggravated with Tank for causing drama. I presume that the living room couch is not so special and fancy that people are probably already laying about on it and it was probably purchased with the knowledge of kids living in the home.
Tank really needs to let it go and not worry so much about the battle of "keeping the kid from sleeping there." Now, that is a separate issue from the kids MONOPOLIZING this space so others can't enjoy it. So, she should be able to calmly tell them to go elsewhere when she wants to enjoy it on her own. Like in the morning when she gets up and doesn't want to deal with the kids.. wake him and send him to bedroom.
The kids know their dad doesn't care about the things they do. They don't care that Tank has a problem with it. so, she needs to stop caring and worrying about their wellbeing too. Let mom and dad raise them. It doesn't mean she can't coexist peacefully in the home where they are sometimes. Disengaging doesn't mean you can't tell them to go to their room.
This is going to sound a
This is going to sound a little extreme, and I apologize as I am very grumpy this morning due to some work related issues, but I would light the damn couch on fire! At this point I would have it removed from the living room and purchase several bean bags before I would continue to allow a skid to monopolize the common space. I would make it the least inviting room in the house. Hell, I would even relocate the tv to my own room. You are entitled to a peaceful living space. This to me is the equivalent of a dog pissing on my stuff to mark it's territory. Tank, your dh is a ball-less wonder when it comes to this issue. And for that you have my sympathy. Again, I apologize for my grumpiness...
I would simply disengage but
I would simply disengage but maintain boundaries.... IE when skid is on the couch when you get up in the morning, ask once nicely to go to your bedroom. If skid doesn't, proceed to turn the TV on loud, make breakfast (bang pots and pans around) etc. until he leaves.
The first rule of
The first rule of disengagement is, nobody talks about disengagement.
Disengagement is an internal adjustment of philosophy. It's something you decide to do for yourself. Anouncing/threatening/warning your partner of your intent to disengage will only cause further upheaval as he will see it as a retaliatory measure and will likely escalate.
An ideal disengagement is where you gradually fade out of skid involvement (physically AND emotionally) and have been disengaged for a good while before your partner even realizes it. But it's different for each of us, and backsliding and briefly reengaging as needed are common.
However, I see disengagement as separate from having household rules and being the queen of your castle. That's just me. I wouldn't set myself up for frustration by waiting for my spineless, lazy husband to tell his kid to go to his room. I'd send the brat to his room forthwith, and ban him from the couch entirely.
Is the second rule of
Is the second rule of disengagement, nobody talks about disengagement??
Absolutely!
Absolutely!